Power Rankings: Week 7

Holy shit, we are a third of the way into the season.  Time sure does fly when you are having fun, huh?  Well, see you later.

But seriously, lets first take a moment to acknowledge a GM who departed the league this year; Scott Freeland (worth the watch, brings back lots of memories) of the Bizarrohawks.  One of the Original 3 in this league, he will be missed.  Perhaps he is best remember for his periodic rants, which include awesome thoughts such as this:

The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Joe, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.

We will miss you Scott, and I leave you with some poetry from the greatest rapper of all time (how is east coast west coast even a debate?).  This song and video are basically how Scott and I grew up on the streets of Richmond:

I will miss you.

Once you have wiped the tears away, please welcome our newest GM, taking over the Bizarrohawks (and keeping the team name out of respect, which is instant good karma), I introduce Luke MacKinnon.  Luke also became a man on the streets of Richmond, which was much harder to do back then before all the rub and tugs showed up on No. 3 road.  If anything, Luke has renewed a sense of passion and urgency in this league, even if it was through posting wildly inaccurate power rankings.  He is even trying to spread the good word on the league.  Here he is talking to two people, not realizing that fantasy hockey is like your golf game or your kids; nobody but you really cares.


Literally, in this picture you see Luke talking about his fantasy hockey team, two guys who could not care less about anything Luke is saying, and then the guy in the foreground trying to get Paymon to fuck him.

Without further adieu, I bring you the power rankings for this week.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – This team is on a blistering pace on offense, largely given to GM Pete Shpak’s amazing amount of free time because he is a realtor ability to quickly pick up players at the start of their hot streak.  Then having Filip Forsberg come out of nowhere, and the likes of Nick Bjugstad (wtf?) has helped keep this team’s offense roaring.  But probably the best thing to happen to this team is the absolute gift of Jeff Skinner and Matt Duchene acquired in a trade from the Kanucks.  What a mind-boggling trade, that gave this team two players who will fight for individual trophies for years to come for…I can’t even remember who the fuck they were traded for.  That kind of luck only comes once in a blue moon, and I can only assume it is to offset Pete’s recent bad luck (side note: “congratulations” on getting engaged and joining the dumbest club on the planet.).  The weakness on this team is goalies.  Lundqvist is overplayed, and Holtby really isn’t that good.  They will let this team down come playoff time.  Write that down.

2.  Anzoolander – After years of being fucked by Brian “The Wall” Elliot, GM Jesse Cook may have finally gotten his big break, as the Wall went down tonight and Jake Allen may be the starter for the forseeable future.  Ignore the fact his numbers have been awful as of late, this may be the goalie this team needs to get it back into the Anze Cup finals.  This team is fairly solid in its starting lineup, but quite shallow on offense given the stable of goalies being held by this team.  I think we might see a trade or two before the deadline from this team, as this team needs something to avoid getting booted early from the playoffs.

3.  Super Sperm – Once again this team sits at or near the top of the standings, and this team is solid again, but is it any better than the team the last couple of years that consistently falls short?  I think it might be worse, especially when I look at goalies.  Beyond Rinne, this is easily the worst group of goalies on any team (check out last 14 days on these clowns…awful).  Team management has always been an issue for this team, and you can usually tell when Sean Stock is managing the team versus Ryan Schauble (hint:  the team is winning), but some curious lineup changes tend to hurt this team.  Case in point, Reilly Smith, with no points and minus 5 in the last 14 days is starting while Alex Galchenyuk has 6 points in the same time frame.  Both are playing two games this week, but Galchenyuk is playing Buffalo, which is a terrible team.  Seems odd.  And dumb (yes I realize Galchenyuk is not RW eligible but just put Pavelski in at RW and Galchenyuk in at C).  Morale of the story:  Schauble will sabotage his own team somehow.

4.  Flowers in the Cage – Riding super hot goalies (finally, the Jets realized Pavelec is not a starting NHL goaltender and got someone in there with talent), this team could be a force, if it fixes its roster of benched goalies who look like the island of misfit toys.

Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.

5.  3rd and Luongo to Go – First, big hats off to GM Mike Gaunt, and being a cancer survivor for two years now.  You can donate to his Movember campaign here.   This team is under the radar, but a lot of these players are consistent, and consistent is great in the playoffs.  Also, it will be fun to watch Luongo put up stats just like the last time he was in Florida, and this team will win in starts, get crushed in wins and GAA, and win in save percentage as Luongo just gets shelled on a nightly basis.  Luckily, this team also has soon to be permanent starter for the Buffalo Sabres, Jonas Enroth, who is in an even worse situation than Luongo.  So there is that.

6.  Everett Silvertips – Some big moves by this team in an effort to shake things up and not repeat last season.  Dealing the best goalie in the league was a sign this team means business, but GM Court Watson made the fatal mistake of getting a goalie in return that is goddamn awful and plays for a shitty team.  A lot of moves haven’t paid off, with 3 of the 4 starting d-men starting the season on PP1 and being relegated to PP2 or off the powerplay entirely, and some of his keepers look like they might not pan out.  There is a ton of talent on this team still, the question is whether or not the streakiness will kill their chances of making the playoffs.

7.  Bizarrohawks – Current position in the standings is primarily driven by playing the bottom of the league the last four weeks.  Against top talent, this team wilted, and was crushed in one of the worst losses by any team this season.  This team has been led by the stellar performance of Vladimir Tarasenko and Mark Giordano, as well as solid goaltending play.  Tarasenko is quickly becoming known for his highlight real goals, like this one:

Real nice, Clark.

However, if highlight reel goals mattered, Linus Omark would be fought over.

So good, yet so bad.

The bigger concern should be regression to the mean.  Case in point, Tarasenko himself

May be time to sell high on that and shore up your team a bit.  Maybe ask the Everett Silvertips or Super Sperm what they want for him, since one drafted him his rookie season and the other held on to him for way to long while he did dick all season (but neither is bitter right now).

8.  Kanucks – I am sure GM Dave Kitchen received some sort of stupid medal from Yahoo! for “wheeling and dealing” or something moronic like that, but some his of trades have destroyed what initially started out as a very good team.   Looks like all that crossfitting has introduced Dave’s brain to Uncle Rhabdo.  Also, why are so many crossfitters fat?  What the hell is the point of working out if you are still fat?  Who the fuck needs functional strength in this day and age, are you carrying a moose out of the bush to put food on your table?  You wear a suit, you sit at a desk, shut the fuck up about your functional strength.

9.  Texans – Congrats to GM Chris Thomas on having a cool little kid (with a penis!  boys rule!) recently.  Expect this team to go to shit.  Also, Cory Schneider plays way too much and John Gibson doesn’t play enough (and when he does, he is a bandaid).  Goalies will plague this team, potentially for years to come.

10.  Halifax Highlanders – This team in theory has arguably the best player and arguably the best goalie in the NHL, but sits second to last.  Injury and lack of depth account for that.  Also, the hope that Semyon Varlamov could put up the absurd numbers he did last year with such horrible puck possession stats from the team in front of him was a reach, and it doesn’t look good so far this year.  There are some talented names on this roster and I don’t really know the answer.  When in doubt, tinker until you find something that works.

11.  Me So Vyborny – Has made some decent moves in the offseason and during the season, and currently has two players sitting in the top ten in scoring.  The issue is that after that, not much else is happening with this team on offense, and the goalies aren’t very good.  Considering what this team finished off with last year, they are improved for sure, but it will be a few years of solid drafting and trading before this team competes consistently.

12.  Jesse Loves Paymon – When you consistently over value your own players and refuse to sell high, you end up terrible.  Like this team!  Similar to not trading Cory Conacher when hot (is he even still in the league?) he now holds onto player who started out hot and is now dead cold in Andre Burakovsky.  Also drastically over values his goalies, two of whom replaced as starter in the next 3 years, and his old broken players (Ryan Kesler) because of unfounded biases deep with GM Steve McIntyre’s tiny brain.  Good luck this season.

13.  Not Poodle!!! – The players on the bench are outperforming the players in the starting lineup (Lucic is awful, btw).  Didn’t help this team was late to pay and had their roster locked for a few weeks.  Maybe set a calendar reminder to set your roster for the upcoming week each Friday afternoon?  Do that and I would guarantee a jump in the standings of at least 3 spots, this team is not that bad.  Except for Mike Smith.  He is really bad, and Double D is taking his starting job.

14.  ChingChong Bing Bong – The reason this team sits here is that they are last in scoring by a country mile.  Awful.  Though oddly, I think this team has some really good young talent, just not enough of it and not deep enough.  I do think this team will bounce back a bit going forward.
Best of luck going forward.  I have no idea when I will have time again to do this.  I love all of you.

Power Rankings: Week 6

Hello all!  I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season.  My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.

Lets get right to it.  As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team.  Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll!  Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!

2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.

3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.

4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.

Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.

5.  Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department.  Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason.  And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do.  As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….

6.  Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body!  There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate).  My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season.  Write that down.

7.  Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories.  Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts.  Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S”  You suck Court.

8.  Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring.  Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.

9.  The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone?  When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.

10.  Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying.  I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before.  Okay, I lied.  I haven’t.

11.  Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason.  Idiot.

12.  Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off.  When your first born is in high school, but still.

13.  Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off.  GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).

14.  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it.  Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression.  Case in point:  Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton.  At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild.  Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.

Power Rankings: Week 8

First, apologies to all for the lack of posts; hopefully things should pick up after the exam next weekend, CFA Level 1.  Not, not Crossfit Foundation Asshole Level 1, but Chartered Financial Analyst Level 1; the same exam I will probably take in June.

Luckily, we have a guest contributor who is helping out and I must say it is one of the finest posts this blog has offered.  I am pretty sure you will be able to figure it out who posted it, and all content, other than spelling and minor grammar, has not been modified.

“It is embarrassing how boring some of you are. This is a $20 pool based on bragging rights and trash talking...multiple cuts will occur to those of you who continue to hide behind your vagina's. I have faith in all of you...the same faith that Steve has in Paymon's cock being in Steve's anus every single week.

1) Me So Vyborny (Previous week: 1) – With Thomas and Crawford playing lights out, and a very well spread out offense, this is the type of team Ruxin would love to rub one out on:

(Editor’s note: if you haven’t seen “The League” on FX, do yourself a favor and watch season 1 and 2 in one sitting.  If you have, two words: vinegar strokes.)

2) Anzoolander (3) – This teams offense just continues to shit kick his opponents due to the Fantasy greatness that GM Jesse Cook possesses. The goalie situation could be worse if not for picking up the single greatest NHL goalie to ever strap on the pads---Brian "The Wall" Elliot. The Wall's so good he makes you wanna sing and dance!

3) Bizzarohawks (5) – Never once has Freeland been even close to the top of any Fantasy Rankings. Something smells odd...so when I received this text from his baby boy Sam it all makes sense. "Dear Uncle Jesse, as you can probably tell I am now the GM of Bizzarohawks, as after I saw Dad bend himself over with the first pick in the draft I had to take action. While he is great at running long distances, he is a fucking disgrace to NHL Fantasy hockey----fuck me if I ever have to be part of a basement dweller as long as I shall live. I look forward to meeting you soon, and want to dominate the Commodore in the future. 70's suits, Parachutes and Slewts. Your protégé, Sam.”

4) Kanucks (2) – This team could win with almost any GM. When GM Anzoolander commented last Saturday "wow---great match" the reply was "I haven't been able to check---I'm sick." This is why God (a man) invented apps for your iPhone (we know you have one) so you can check Fantasy Hockey and porn on a hand held device. I guess I'd be sick if I had to teach this though....

 

(Editor’s note:  Dave also has an Maxipad is his ass iPad.)

5) Everett Silvertips (8) – Thank you, Court for finally picking a fucking team and sticking with them---albiet the shittiest team in the league with no hope of making the playoffs. The league should know that the GM Anzoolander, Jesse Cook, will be $50 richer at the end of the season when the Isles fail to make the playoffs. This will most likely be by February....thank you in advance. By the way, did you cheat on your wife? This kid IS yours...

(Editor’s note:  Reached out to GM Court Watson for comment; “I have no words, I can only hope my son is half the man this kid is.”)

6) Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – Pretty solid overall team, but like most GM's is leaning on one stud goalie and relying on miracles by his 2nd/3rd terrible netminders to hold the fort. Curtis Sanford put up Vezina worthy numbers this week, but with the team in front of him how can this last? It's time for some trades to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Daniel Sedin for Taylor Hall-----I like it!  What...Hall is out with a shoulder injury? Oh, in that case sucked in Court!

(Editor’s note: best looking jersey around.)

7) Captain Chinese (14) – With by far the biggest leap of the week, GM Bert Fong has relied on pure ruck to get this team back in contention. Everyone else below you should most likely quit right now----seriously. For the out-of-towners in our league who may not know what Bert looks like, you bunch of fuck-ups are losing to this fucking guy:

(Editor’s note: ‘nodding head in agreement’)

8) Super Sperm (12) – This team is a bubble franchise at best (thanks to no Kessel keeper obv), and Brandon Dubinsky (Anzoolander's sloppy seconds) is not the answer (what the hell is wrong with this guy this season?). With Ryan Miller's return unknown, Enroth will help SS in the interim, but once Miller comes back SS will be back to 1 starter, 1 back-up and 1 AHL back-up. PS - is this guy gonna stop doing ads every 5 seconds and score a fucking goal?

9) Jesse Loves Paymon (4) – This entire team has Vertigo----Hiller----lol lol lol. When you are relying on your two Util players to make up for the lack of production of one of the best offensive teams on paper (in 2008), you are putting your team in the hands of pure evil.

10) Texans (10) – This ranking has nothing to do with hockey. First you marry my sister (rendering burns on you useless), then you go ahead and buy my dream truck. You've been shunned (nice truck though).

11) Crosby’s Concussions (13) – All you have is Crosby, and with him you have an actual chance to squeak thru to the payoffs----fuck me is he amazing (8 points in 4 games)!  He is the reason why Canada will always be better than the U.S. (remember this?):

(Editor’s note: well played sir.)

12) Not Poodle (7) – Better week by this sad sack of losers. I'd rather watch this movie one thousand times more than hang out with Fatty.

13) Flowers In The Cage (11) – In the battle of the bottom feeders you won, so you are not the worst, just 2nd worst. It is interesting how the curse of Anze has plummeted your team into the depths of despair. It is like you have a concussion that will never go away---fogging your thoughts like your brother, Peter Mueller. Please get better----we miss you.

14) Clarence Swamptown (9) – When you state " Anze may have the moves, but Clarence is Tappin that Kathryn Tappen," you must realize that she is a 5.5 at best (see below), a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey, and Anze takes down only the finest models the world has to offer. You "Tappin" this disgrace basically sums up your year this far...you'll drink 34 shots of Jack Daniels then manage an NHL Fantasy team/take home whatever is left in the bar. Luongo/Nabokov coming back won't help you, having shit players won't help you, not making trades won't help you....you're in trouble....you're in the Swamp.

(Editor’s note:  Well done, and I strongly encourage all of you to submit content anytime; you will find it to be almost therapeutic and actually kind of fun.)