We Are Live

Hello all!  The league is officially back.  If you didn’t get the invite email, well, it went to the email you have registered with Yahoo!  So check that email.  Idiot.

The trades and transactions and draft order have been updated here so you can see who has which picks and how trades during the year impacted draft order.  PLEASE REMEMBER IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE THE ACCURACY OF THE DRAFT ORDER AFTER ADJUSTING FOR TRADES.  IF YOU DON’T LOOK AT IT AND IT TURNS OUT WRONG BUT IS TOO LATE TO CHANGE, WELL THEN FUCK YOU.

You can see the updated draft order and trade listing here.

You will note there are now two more rounds in the draft.  As discussed, this is because two more starting Defensemen positions have been added.

Here are the five times that the draft may be scheduled (all in Pacific Standard Time). 

Friday, October 3 at 5 am

Friday, October 3 at 9 pm

Saturday, October 4 at 5 am

Saturday, October 4 at 9 pm

Sunday, October 5 at 5 am

Please email me at puckyourself at live dot com with your ranking of the times from most preferred to least preferred.   You must email by Thursday, September 25 with your list of times or you have no say.  Also, realize that no time is perfect for everyone, so I don’t care about your feedback on the times available.  At all.  Ah, compromise, like when 10 people draw a horse and it ends up looking more like a camel.  Just stop fucking complaining, poor yourself a drink, sit on your left hand to numb it, then jerk off with that hand while you draft so you get the delight of drafting your fantasy hockey team while giving yourself the ‘Stranger’.

Also, new this year is the ability to set your keepers directly in Yahoo!  The date to declare keepers will be 3 days before the date that is ultimately decided to be the draft.  I don’t really totally know how this is going to work yet, but fuck it, lets roll with it.  Once submitted I can set the final draft in the system (I hope).  Don’t get cute and try to keep more than allowed, for the love of god.

Below is what is owed for league dues this year.  This includes outstanding amounts from last year (either due to transactions, or you had a credit from winning something last year).  Payment is due by October 8, 2014.  Failure to pay means you won’t be able to adjust your roster.  Failure to pay by November 1 means your team is seized by the league and given to someone else who is on our league waiting list.   All payments should go through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com, amounts owed are in USD and payer is responsible for any transaction fees.

Anzoolander	65.09
Bizarrohawks	62.00
Captain Chinese	66.00
Dr. Hook	61.11
Everett Silvertips	72.00
Flowers In The Cage	69.50
Halifax Highlanders	60.00
Jesse loves Paymon	65.00
Kanucks	65.00
Me So Vyborny	65.50
Not Poodle!!!	62.50
Pistol's Hellcats	16.53
Super Sperm	43.77
Texans	66.00

We already have two trades approved this week, excited to see the action getting started again.

JM

The Future is Now!

Welcome to the 2013-2014 season of Puck Yourself.

Think about when the movie came out…was ahead of its time.

We will be activating the league shortly, and I don’t know about you, but I am excited to get things under way.  The draft order has been revised for trades from the prior year, and you can see the full landscape on the Trades and Transactions tab on the blog.  PLEASE CHECK THE REVISED DRAFT TO ENSURE THAT THE PICKS SWAPPED ARE CONSISTENT WITH THE TRADES IN THE SEASON.  If they end up being wrong and you said nothing, that is your own fault.

In the commissioner deliberations over the last few weeks, the commissioners have decided to increase the league dues for this season.  Annual league fees are now $40, with a transaction fee of $0.50.  This change is a result of the increase in the price of fuel and the new healthcare law passed in the United States.  If you decide this is too rich for your blood and want to release your franchise in the greatest fantasy hockey league in the history of man, please let me know so we can transition your team to a new owner.  Once confirmed, I will let you know the amount owed for the current year (which will include any credit or debit you had carry over from last year).

I will provide an email for all managers in the league so that you may reach out to each other for any trades you wish to pursue.  You can take a look at the league rosters from the prior year by going to our league home site on yahoo, switching to prior season and selecting “Rosters”.  Trades will be allowed up to one week before the draft, at which time keepers are due for draft setup.  I will be sending out some times proposed for the draft, so be on the lookout for that as well.

Start preparing, the future is now.  God speed.

JM.

Thoughts on the Draft

It is Thursday night, I am in an airport, and I have had a few…too many.  Perfect time to share some thoughts on the draft.

1.  Bert Fong is the worst general manager of any organization, real or fantasy, I have ever seen.  Nobody can submarine an organization like he can.  It is so bad it I am actually impressed.

2.  Chris Thomas almost one upped his brother in law, GM Jesse Cook, by drafting Anton Khudobin in the third round.  You may recall the great draft of 2009.  I say almost, because Thomas didn’t select him 9th overall.  Lets see if he continues in his brother-in-laws footsteps by trading Khudobin for peanuts one day before Tuukka Rask goes down with an case of European pussiness.

3.  The 1st overall pick in the actual NHL draft continues to be drafted in our league in my mind, way, way to early.  Factoring in how much later the 2nd overall pick has gone, those players are a bargain (Hall, 6th, Seguin, 13th in 2010.  RNH, 1st, Landeskog, 11th).  Bad GMs are paying quite a premium in the draft, and it isn’t really paying off.

4.  GM Court Watson, who has drafted the 2nd overall NHL pick the last two years, continued that trend by drafting the 2nd forward taken in the 2012 draft in Alex Galchenyuk in the 8th round.  It will be interesting to see who performs better between Yakupov and Galchenyuk in relation to where they went in the draft, as critics believe Galchenyuk is physically the most ready for the NHL (similar to the opinion on Landeskog).

5.  The first trade has already happened, and involved a heavyweight.  The Bizarrohawks are clearly making a run this year, though they may lack the goaltenders to make it far.   You got jam Ninja.  The Everett Silvertips could no longer use the rookie rule on Landeskog, which means something had to give, and trading a forward with D-man minutes entering his 30s isn’t the worst move.  Both teams might benefit from this.

6.  GM Jesse Cook really likes his team.  This is no different than the last 4 years, where Anzoolander’s best performance has been a 1st round exit, and required multiple moves during the season to make the team half decent.  Awful.

7.  Ryan Schauble only complained about the time of the draft 76 times, a new low for him.  This was probably due to the fact he only realized what time the draft was the day before, despite it being on the fantasy home page, posted on the blog, and sent to him in the form of a calendar invite.  Baby steps I guess.

8.  ‘Dr. Hook’ once again autodrafted and will probably beat half the teams in the league, just like every other year.  That would normally prove that the draft is a fluke, except this team beats the same teams every year, which shows some people are super bad at fantasy hockey.

9.  The stewardess on my plane could probably lose a few lbs.

10.  And serve drinks faster.

11.  And get in the kitchen.

12.  If you are offended by the term stewardess and think they should be called flight attendant and I am sexist, I disagree.  I call all the employees in the cabin stewardesses, because regardless of gender, they are still a vagina.  And if you are offended, so are you.

13.  Seriously, Bert Fong is awful at Fantasy Hockey.  Like as bad as this car crash.

This is awful and tragic, but I did laugh at the title.

14.  The team that is the scariest is Crosby’s Concussions.  A very solid draft, and I am expecting big things from this team this year.  Varlamov will be more valuable than Kiprusoff, and might replace Letang as a keeper on this team.  You heard it hear first.  Don’t fuck it up Dave.

15.  For multiple reasons, farting on a plane is hilarious.

16.  The best value pick in the draft was David Perron in the ninth.  Unless Bernier gets traded and becomes a starter.  Then it was that pick in the 12th.

17.  The Islanders will make the playoffs because they are awesome.  Hockey with heart.

18.  A nine week fantasy season means any team can win.  If Captain Chinese wins, I will shut down the league and destroy the Anze Cup.

19.  The Anze Cup has aged nicely this season and is excited for its new home.  Even defending champion and GM Court Watson acknowledges it might have a new home, guessing “two inches from where it currently rests.”

20.  This isn’t the year Matt Meier becomes an inspirational story like Rudy and wins it all.  This is the year where his story is like the guy that accomplished nothing and nobody knows about.

21.  That Notre Dame football player and Jesse Cook share something in common; they made up a girl that nobody else ever saw.  Jesse met his in Australia.  Sure you did buddy.  Also, they share something else; they made it up to keep hiding in the closet.

22.  Bryan Little should be required to be on Pistol’s Hellcats.  He looks like GM Pete Shpak, is the same height (5’11”) and his last name is little, which makes me chuckle pretty good. 

23.  The heartwarming story of the draft is BFFs Duncan Keith and Court Watson reunited (and it feels so goooooooood).

24.  I just saw that Vincent Lecavalier went in the second round…wtf?!?!?

25.  Who is fatter?  Lucic or Byfuglien?  Both will be liabilities to their respective fantasy teams.

26.  Ryan Schauble had the best set of keepers in the league and came dead last.  He sucks at this.  So, he brought in a co-manager to help him run his team.  Everyone, Sean Stock.  I like to think of this as being as stupid as the co-dependency between Mayim Bialik and her kids.  I can only imagine who sucks on who’s tits.  I don’t know who Sean is, so that means I hate him, but Steve says he is easy to trade rape, so of course, he is welcome.

27.  I just got cut off by the stewardess, I am done.

And We’re Back

The NHLPA finally realized realized that business, unlike  government, is guided by simple math and basic economic theory, and verbally agreed to a tentative agreement.  Since the season may potentially start January 15, it can only be done one day.  And the most massive whiners are playing bush league hockey that night, so we adjusted the time to partially accommodate them, probably to screw over others, so blame Jesse, Bert and Pete.  The draft will be held Monday, January 15th, at 6:00 pm PST.  The draft order and designated keepers can be seen here.  You are responsible for verifying the accuracy of your keeper selections as well as the draft order.  Please let me know if you feel there is an inaccuracy.  I probably don’t care, but you never know.

In the event that a keeper decides the NHL is gay (like most of the U.S.A.), and decides to stay in another league, you will have the option of choosing another keeper from your final roster in the previous season.  Should that player come back to the NHL midseason, you will be allowed to retain that player on your roster, in exchange for the keeper you designated as his replacement.  For example, if Kris Letang decides to stay in the KHL after he signed with a team this past Friday, Crosby’s Concussions could decide to swap out Letang with Tim Connolly.  If a month from now, Letang decides he wants to come back to the NHL, Crosby’s Concussions would have right of first refusal, and if that team decides they want Letang, they would have to drop Tim Connolly to retain Letang.  If Connolly was no longer on Crosby’s Concussions when Letang returns, then the team would have to select a different keeper to drop to retain Letang.

League dues are posted here and should be paid ASAP.  All payments should be in USD, and I accept either check or Paypal (I don’t accept cheques).  Brief instructions for Paypal:

1) sign into your account

2) select “send money”

3) the email address is puckyourself at live dot com

4) amount should be denominated in USD dollars

5) Select “Personal” and “Payment owed”

6) Choose your method of payment and select “I will pay the fee.”  The league does not pay any transaction fees

7)  Send the money

Pretty simple.  Payment is due by January 31st, 2013.  The following penalties will be incurred for not paying in a timely manner

No payment prior to January 31st, 2013 – Manager is unable to edit weekly starting lineup

No Payment prior to February 15th, 2013 – Manager is unable to add or drop players

No Payment prior to February 28th, 2013 – Manager loses team ownership and team becomes property of first person on league waitlist (yes, we have a waitlist, and there are about six guys on it)

Welcome back.

The Draft on the Draft

Hello all, I hope you have been well.  Today we announce the draft order for the upcoming season, a fitting day, as this is the big day of the NHL, also known as the more boring version of fantasy hockey league.

The draft order was obtained using the probabilities as stated in the League Charter.  Draft order was witnessed by two Commissioners, one Relief Commissioner and one league GM.  All were very drunk at the time.  Without further adieu, I present the 2012 Puck You 2012 Fantasy Hockey Draft first round draft order:

1	Texans
2	Not Poodle!!!
3	Super Sperm
4	Everett Silvertips (from Crosby's Concussions)
5	Me So Vyborny
6	Captain Chinese
7	Clarence Swampton
8	Pistol's Hellcats
9	Jesse Loves Paymon
10	Anzoolander
11	Flowers In the Cage (from Kanucks)
12	Crosby's Concussions (from Bizzarohawks)
13	Flowers In The Cage
14	Everett Silvertips

You can view final rosters and draft picks on the Trades and Transactions page, so don’t ask where you can find it 2 months from now, Schauble.  All trades must go through Commissioner review.  Complete draft order will be updated once fantasy hockey opens up again on Yahoo!  Remember, you can keep up to 6 players and 1 additional player who qualified as a rookie in the most recent season to replace your third round pick. If you choose to keep less, you will have additional picks in the final 6 rounds of the drafts were your keeper players would have been added.  Keepers are to be submitted one week prior to the fantasy hockey draft.

May your summer be full of booze, sunshine, and full frontal nudity.

JM

Welcome Back

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer, I know I didn’t. Without Fantasy Hockey, it was just plain boring. Lets start the season by doing a pre-draft power rankings, based solely on keepers and draft picks. Looking forward to another year of this, as I know all the GMs are. In fact, I believe Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland summed it up nicely back in 2009:

“The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Jonah, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.”

1) Super Sperm – After a stellar regular season and President’s Trophy, this team was stunned with an early, embarrassing, comical first round playoff exit. The keepers for this team are second to none, led by none other than Pekka Rinne, the best fantasy goalie of this upcoming year. Had to give up Tim Thomas, which apparently GM Ryan Schauble barely figured out at the end of the off season, while everyone else knew it was an inevitability and ignored his trade pleas.

2) Pistol’s Hellcats – Pete Shpak returns with the strongest set of keepers in the league, though he starts off the new season with a much uglier team photo. The keepers are some of the best, but also some of the oldest, and with his first two picks at #27 and #55, this team may struggle with depth. In the short term however, the strength of the keepers should make this a competitor.

3) Jesse Loves Paymon – Great mix of young and juggernauts, with 3 picks in the first two rounds. Look for this team to deepen the roster and could definitely repeat as the Anze Cup Champion in 2012.

4) Texans – A great stable of keepers if they can stay healthy. Walked into a great situation with Vokoun going to the Capitals. Little movement during last season and offseason has left this team with picks in every round. Hopefully GM Chris Thomas has grown one year wiser and can build his team in the draft.

5) Anzoolander – Why say anything when I can let GM Jesse Cook do all the talking (in which he trashes the entire league, the city of Milwaukee, and Andy Kordyban’s sister all in one glorious drunken voicemail in March of 2009)?

6) The Meat Whistles – Not bad, definitely some fire power in his keepers, could have been even better if he considered heavily lopsided trades in his favor, but, it prevents him from seriously competing for the title, so benefits the rest of us.

7) Clarence Swampton – Any team with Stamkos is in good shape, and Luongo will be the second best regular season goalie this year (and worst playoff goalie of all time). One of his keepers may never pan out, but I like the risk taken.

8) Crosby’s Concussions – Would be higher, but a lingering concussion to his best player keeps him middle of the pack. On a positive note, doctors today said that Crosby has one of the best vestibular system in the world. They also said that is why he isn’t returning to hockey just yet. Okay then.

9) Everett Silvertips – Talent is too young for the most part, this won’t be the year for his keepers. With five picks in the first three rounds, GM Court Watson better draft well.

10) Captain Chinese – The keepers on this team are actually pretty good, but somehow Bert-metrics will fuck it up.

11) Bizzarohawks – Something has to go right for this team at some point, doesn’t it? I mean, it can’t all be downhill all the time, can it?

12) Me So Vyborny – I disagree with almost every keeper choice he made. Good luck Matthew.

13) Not Poodle!!! – Not a lot going on with this team, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind the keepers…GM Jesse Cook had it pretty much summed up in his voicemail from two years ago above…and nothing has changed.

14) Kanucks – In case you have blocked Dave’s Facebook status updates as spam already (which I assume all of you have, as well as Pistol’s, unless you are in the market for a new house), Dave is the proud father of a baby girl, Grace. Congratulations (and you forgot to announce her two week birthday on Facebook, you jerk). What does this mean to the already helicopter parent? An even shittier team this year.

League Dues

Once again, league fees are $20 USD, with additional amounts for transactions from last year. Just like last year, transactions are $0.25 each, with $5 for a name change after Week 1. Amounts owed can be found on the league finance page.

To pay, you can either use credit card on PayPal (courtwatson at hotmail dot com), Interac email payment, or USD cash or cheque. Please contact me prior to making payment, especially Interac email in CAD so as to get the correct FX rates.

Just like last year, late payments will be penalized with roster freezes. Dues and prior year outstanding balances not received by October 1 will result in the inability to add or drop players from free agency. If amounts continue to be outstanding as of October 15, teams will lose the ability to adjust their starting lineups.

The draft is scheduled for Monday, September 26, 7:00 PM PST. Make sure you load it up early to make sure you get in before it starts. Good luck gentlemen. In the words of Clay Morrow of Sons of Anarchy, let’s make it ghetto, make it gangsta.

JM