Power Rankings: Week 2

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better.  With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists:  Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon.  Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist.  Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life.  One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it.  Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing.  Make ‘Merca great again.  Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong.  If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor.  I hate him.  Mess hates him.  Everyone hates Luke.  

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV.  Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993.  It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management.  Business is fucked, & so are we.  Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one.  Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around.  But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012.  If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong.  Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings.  A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core. 

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you.  This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender.  This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week.  I love Pete.  Pete is the greatest. 

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend.  Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train.  Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel?  More like, lead this GM out behind the stable.  Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders.  The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers.  The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf.  Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly?  To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page.  The greatest:

 

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read.  We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another.  Stay in school kids.  Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance.  You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese.  They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they?  You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster.  He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school.  Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall…  his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender.  Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind.  Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask.  For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13.  Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot.  I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor. 

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy.  Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed.  Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion.  Just fucking kill me already. 

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it.  That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake.  But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about.  Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand.  I am just fucking brutal.   

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 8

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase.  Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season?  Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better?  Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good?  Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward?  Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things.  And by interesting, I mean stupid.  Example include:  Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage).  All teachable, laughable moments.  You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed.  Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1.  Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league.  That is this team.  Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano).  Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2.  Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans.  Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy.  No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey.  Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top.  Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3.  Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on.  While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time.  There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break.  Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola.  Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4.  Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league.  That came out of nowhere.  This is probably one of the  best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5.  Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team.  Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before.  You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off.  Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6.  Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist.  By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes.  The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S.  Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch.  Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes.  That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada.  Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7.  Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up.  Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically.  For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories).  This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic.  Either way, I am excited to watch.

8.  Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league.  Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week.  Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9.  Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less.  Well done.

10.  Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad.  Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11.  Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion.  Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12.  Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13.  Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck.  Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic.  You suck Zooperpylon.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is.  You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all.  And thank you Ron Swanson.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 4

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape.  Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think).  Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon.  As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team.  After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league.  #AllinOrBust

2.  Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it.  I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds.  He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price.  The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM.  His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long.  Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble.  #WhereIsTheDepth

3.  Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM.  With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay.  We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'.  If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling.  #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated 

4.  Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league.  He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe.  All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe.  I tend to like this team.  #MovingOnUp

5.  Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one.  Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs.  #HeadedToTheTop

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end.  #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7.  Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits.  "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?"  Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law.  Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist.  #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8.   Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks.  It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year.  The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for.  A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on.  Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs?  This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value.  I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though.  Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9.  Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10.  Everett Silvertips  (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long.  Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league.  And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?".  I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day.  #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11.  Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation.  An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs.  I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round.  Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past.  Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12.  Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen.  For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it.  Its painful to watch.  Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week.  The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved.  #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13.  Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes.  I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...?  I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!!  Why are they so bad.  Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some."  Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt.  I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note:  and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl.  #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here: 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something).  All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com.  All payments in USD.  All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees.  Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends.  Payment is due by Nov. 1.  After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay.  Got it?  Don’t care.  Figure it out.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to the first official power rankings of the 2015-16 season.  These are usually the most accurate power rankings you will ever read, I am rarely wrong, and mostly right.  With that disclaimer, lets get right into it.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 – This train has started out of the gates at top speed, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say I cannot wait for it to crash and burn in a fiery death.  A convincing win last week without its top netminder over a team that put up a pretty solid effort.  You might think Zetterberg and Plekanec are flukes (they are) but I am assuming Cole has learned not to listen to himself, will deal one of them, and the other can be replaced by Backstrom, who is back.  Should be a fun year to watch Cole second guess himself all season long.  Pressure is on big guy.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Might be top ranked if they hadn’t had a bye week last week.  Impressive performance, but it was like making a 1 foot putt on a hole the size of a basketball hoop.  Another bye week this week will help this team cruise to week 3.    The glaring weakness in this team is clearly Henrik Lundqvist, who is old balls, and GM Pete Shpak knows it, picking up a career backup on a terrible team has his handcuff (looks at transaction wire again, confirms that is what happens, shakes head in amazement).  Good luck with that, and Jagr playing a full season, and Parise shooting at a career high shooting percentage, and Max Domi doing whatever he is doing for much longer (it is Arizona for the love of god).

3.  Philosopher King – Martin Jones.  Is he this year’s Dominik Hasek (1993) or is he this year’s Darcy Kuemper (2014)?  My guess is the later, since it happens oh, every year, versus Hasek happening once in a lifetime (and Jones’ is Canadian, which means he isn’t as good as people think).  This has to be keeping Luke up at night as he looks for reliable third goalies in the likes of Thomas Greiss and Anton Khudobin.  Luke likes to talk about his inside track at San Jose, not realizing he is just pointing out he has confirmation bias.  Good luck with that.

4.  Super Sperm – Solid team, but probably won’t win the Anze Cup.  This team’s window, like the Canucks, is gone.  Very questionable management moves; how you put a offensive talent who is paired with Tavares on the powerplay on the bench for a guy playing with Martin Hanzal is beyond me.  But hey, hashtag no cups.

5.  Anzoolander - Everyone thought this team was screwed with no draft picks, but who needs picks when you have Carey Price and Jamie Benn?  They can beat half the teams in the league on their own.  Stamkos helps too.  Abdelkader won’t shoot .500 for much longer, but if the ancillary pieces can contribute periodically, this core is going to go deep, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see this team back in the Anze Cup finals.

6.  Kane and she was Abel – As long as Patrick Kane isn’t in jail, I think this team competes week in and week out.  Goaltending will always be a risk with the goalies this team has, but there will be weeks where goaltending will carry them to victory in a blaze of glory.

7.  Texans – Great offense, bad goaltending.  Why Bernier ever started a game for this team is beyond me.    Hopefully Dubynk comes around and plays out of his mind again, versus staying at, you know, his career average.  Oh wait, maybe the term regress to the mean actually means something.  There is a ton of young talent on this team, with players from Calgary going to kill this team in plus minus because their puck possession is as bad as last year and is finally catching up with them.  It will be fun to watch this team each week, and scary for competitors if the goalies come around.

8.  Me So Vyborny – I like a lot of things going on with this team.  There is a lot of young talent on offense.  The goalies on the other hand, all three are in jeopardy of getting consistent playing time going forward.  GM Matt Meier has going to have to be a little more aggressive this year versus, well, ever.  Hopefully, he doesn’t listen to Cole.

9.  Everett Silvertips – Wow.  Which team has awful goaltending?  This team.  I don’t think this team has much of a shot unless something magical happens (someone gives him a great starting goalie, the Boston Bruins figure out how to play defense, Court becomes single and not boring, etc).  Great young talent on offense will probably get this team into the playoffs, but as of right now, it has no shot on winning it all.

10.  Connor McSaviors – I think this team has more wins this season already than all of last year.  A testament to Ryan’s work effort so far, the only direction this team can go is up.  That, and they played a horribly managed team.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Who is on the case when the detective IS the missing person?  Hopefully, Steve will stop making that awful joke; it wasn’t funny when they did it on Sportscenter (yeah, I spelled it correctly) and it really isn’t funny when Steve does it.  Besides that clown in net, is there anyone on this team you get super excited for other than Karlsson?  Me neither.

12.  Hatrick Swayze – We are really rooting for Todd, it would be great to see someone like him win in this league, but he is already mismanaging his roster, getting zero points out of Crosby.  The best part is Todd talking about how a guy who plays for Toronto is good.  Haha (I am laughing with you, I swear).  At least his d-men are productive, for now.  I actually think Quick will bounce back and so will this team a little bit, despite what Todd does.

13.  Kanucks – Bye week #2.  I give Dave credit for being active, but that doesn’t mean this team is very good.  Don’t see this team moving from the slot anytime soon.

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs – The original bye week.  Going to take something special to get out of this position.

Just an FYI, you all owe money, but I need to figure out how much.  Also, as a reminder, especially for newbies, all transactions are $.50 each.  Eventually I will get around to billing you.

JM

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM

Annual Awards and Choosing the Draft Date

Welcome back sheepfuckers!



How has your summer been?  From what I hear, everyone has been busy, usually as a result of their stupid mistakes (drinking, marriage, kids, home ownership).  I am really excited to hear all about it.¹

Alright, first things first; awards voting!  Every year, we award three awards to well deserving recipients.  Lets revisit each of the awards and what they represent.

Jack Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s success

Eugene Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s failure

Andy Kordyban award – awarded annually the to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Named after this clown:



The Uniduke

Let's look at the nominees:

Jack Adams award:  Luke Mackinnon, Jesse Cook and Court Watson - The two teams in the Anze Cup Finals last year, and the team that went from out of the playoffs to third place.  Luke took over the team early in the season and turned it into an instant contender, though that may have been the result of being new and therefore being able to fuck the shit out of Bert Fong over and over in a series of trades (He traded away Max Pacioretty and in return received Max Pacioretty and Ryan Getzlaf...what the fuck?!?!?).  So maybe it was a fluke.  Mr. Cook did a fine job last season in his first Anze Cup win, but leveraged his team's future significantly in the process, will be interesting to see what he will do.  Court is just here because I needed three.  He sucks and deserves no votes, (and neither does anyone else in the league).

Eugene Adams award:  Bert Fong, Dave Kitchen and Matt Welsh - Perennially and consistently, the worst three teams in the league.  In standings, in roster management, in trades, in playing hurt players, in life, in everything.  Somehow amazingly, all three made the playoffs in 2011-12.  Since then, now they are known as Tres Descansos Semanales.²

Andy Kordyban award:  Jesse Cook, Luke Mackinnon, and Matt Welsh.  Spends an inordinate amount of time on fantasy hockey, vocal, bit of a loudmouth know-it-all but still funny, ultimately fucks things up.  Gotta admit, got a bit nostalgic when Luke joined this league, almost thought Kordyban was with us.  God bless him.

Get your votes in on the side bar at right.

Now onto the draft.  We need to pick a date.  This is arguably my favorite part of the season.  The complaining, the accusations, the basic dumbfuckery.  Some people don't want weekends, some people don't want weekdays.  Some people want earlier, some people want later.  Some people are on the east coast, some people aren't.  No time is perfect, suck it up.  With that in mind, Here are some dates I am throwing out there:

Thursday, September 17 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Friday, September 18 at 9 PM PST/12:00 AM EST
Wednesday, September 30 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Saturday, October 3 at 1:30 PM PST/4:30 PM EST

PLEASE RESPOND VIA EMAIL WHAT YOUR PREFERENCE IS, IN ORDER.  DO NOT SEND ME ONE DATE.  For example.  Here is an actual email from a moron:

"18th works"

Here is an email from a value added member of society:

"1. 18th, 2. 17th, 3. 30th, 4. 3rd.  Headed to college football game on the 3rd, so I would miss"

Inevitably, someone will miss the draft.  Unless they are a winner, like Jesse, who managed to do the draft WHILE ATTENDING THE BALLET.  If he can do it then, you can do it while doing whatever the fuck you are doing.  I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit about the draft times not being to your liking, so save it.³

I await all your responses.  Also, you may see your roster from the end of last year.  It will be updated over next week or so to reflect trades in the offseason.  Be patient.  Again, I don't get paid enough.⁴

Let's get this season rolling.  Put the women and children to bed, and lets go hunting for dinner.  At Jack In the Box, preferably.  And don't kill a famous lion; makes life awkward.

JM

---

1 I couldn't care less^↩
2 Three Weekly Byes (I think)^↩
3 I get paid nothing. FML.^↩
4 Still nothing. Still FML.^↩

Power Rankings: Week 20

Hello all.  Since it is the NHL trade deadline, I thought now would be as good a time as any to do another power rankings.  The race for the President’s Trophy has come down to a three pony race (at least non-mathematically, in my head), and unlike previous years where there were 6 or 7 teams competing for the last 3 playoff spots, it is looking like only a couple of teams will be competing to sneak into the playoffs and destroy the hopes and dreams of a top seed.

If there is one thing completely out of a GM’s control that has a significant impact on the quest for the Anze Cup, it is injuries.  You know what else is completely out of control?  Hashtags.  They are for fuck twats.  Who Crossfit.  So just Dave Kitchen.  And ISIS.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Strong goaltending and solid offense puts this team atop the standings, though weary rests the head that holds the crown; relying on someone named Andrew Hammond is never a good idea and will most likely explode in Pete’s face like a money shot from Peter North.  Despite losing Lundqvist, this team statistically still has the best goalies in the league (with an average ranking of 1.2 across scoring categories in out league this season).  Hopefully, King Henrik will be back just in time for the playoffs. #don’tdoitstaysingle

2. Super Sperm (3) – Was the beneficiary of shitty team management by Cole Ballard of Flowers In the Cage and as a result, now sits atop the standings.  This team has the most potent offense in the league, but as good as the offense is, the goaltending is that bad.  #Pavelecisn’ttheanswer

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – Sergei Bobrovsky comes back for the final regular season push and into the playoffs.  This team has quietly put up some pretty good numbers and appear to be clicking at the right time.  #pityrankingstevewillfuckitup

4. Bizzarohawks (7)– Despite being the healthiest team in the league, this team has failed to impress the last little while and has cooled down significantly.  However, great teams hold on while in a slump, and this team appears to be doing so.  The question is, is this a slump, or are the absurdities of this roster early on (the standard deviation was off the charts) returning to normal levels?  Bizzarohawks and Anzoolander share the top spot statistically across all league offensive scoring categories, so this will be interesting to watch. #aslongasbertisaroundyouhavesomeonetogiveyouhotplayersfornothing

5. Everett Silvertips (6) – In mid February of last season, this team lost its top scorer, then #2 in the NHL, for the rest of the season.  In mid February of this season, this team lost its top scorer, #1 in the NHL, 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, this season, another player on this team has stepped up and now sits tied for #1 in scoring.  After getting absolutely soul crushed three weeks ago, losing 12-0 and its best player, this team has lead the entire league in scoring each of the last two weeks (outscoring the next best team by 10 points a week ago), and walked away with an easy victory against Anzoolander despite Anzoolander having 12 more games played during the week.  The goalies suck so this team really has no chance, but I wouldn’t want to play them in a the first round.  I would say the loss of Ryan Miller is the loss of an elite goaltender, but the word elite associated with the Vancouver Canucks is completely inappropriate.  What a shitty, shitty franchise. #lackluster

6.  Flowers In The Cage (4) – GM Cole Ballard must sit in his office and modify his roster eleventy times every Monday before the first puck drops and the roster is locked.  I have to assume the reason why Cole left Michael Hutchinson on the bench was because in a panicked haste he googled the goalie to get the latest info and to his shock found out he was dead (and used to be the lead signer for INXS):

FYI, it is Hutchinson, not Huchence.

I imagine he was even more shocked to see Hutch have a dynamite week on his bench while his starters didn’t get enough starts for any goalie category to be eligible.  As Pete Shpak of the Hellcat’s said, “Flowers in the Cage not getting enough goalie starts is going to fuck me.”  Not as much as it is going to fuck Cole, Pete.

Side note:  The last time I did the Power Rankings, I made this comment:

“Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.”

This still stands. #forfucksakeslearnfromyourmistakeshahathatrhymes

7.  Anzoolander (2) – This team’s offense has gone all but silent.  Putting up multiple 1 and 2 point nights with negative +/- was just embarrassing.  This team is relying solely on goaltending at this point, and it isn’t enough.  Typically number of shots taken is indicative of goals, and when you are ninth in shots and third in goals, something has to correct itself.  Says GM Jesse Cook on the team’s woes, “It is all good, Phaneuf had a game winning goal the other night, so I am in good shape.”  I can see all of you spitting out your Frosted Flakes as you read that wondering what the fuck a Phaneuf GWG on the bench has to do with a terribly cold offense. #youranzecupwindowisn’tclosingitisslammedshut

Side note:  Speaking of Phaneuf, lets look at pictures of his wife:

Avery blazed the trail

She is no Charlotte McKinney, but she’ll do.  Aw fuck it, lets look at Charlotte, she is like Kate Upton, only not fat:

8.  3rd and Luongo (5) – Before you look at the this team and the next, you may want to look at the stat line for last week’s matchup.  Are you back?  Yeah, it took until Saturday for this team to crack 10 points for the week.  Some key injuries have just crushed this team, and totally exposed a lack of depth.  What an exciting matchup that was to watch on stat tracker, watching shots increase periodically #barnburner

9.  Texans (9) – your goalies are phenomenal, even the ones on the bench.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, YOUR OFFENSE IS AENEMIC.  If this team can do something before Go Puck Yourself’s trade deadline (even though it can be easily found on the league site, Luke and Ryan, it is March 19, 2015).  #dubynkforvezina

10.  Halifax Highlanders (10) – Across all scoring categories, this team actually sits inside the playoffs when looking at pure totals.  Not really sure why this team sits outside the playoffs, but it does.   Maybe it has to do with its star player, Sidney Crosby, being terrible, at least by Crosby’s standards.  Oh wait, I just looked at the player rankings from for this team for the entire season.   It is a complete lack of depth that is hurting this team #isiteversunnyinpittsburgh?

11.  Me So Vyborny (11) – Well, my hats off the GM Matt Meier; still in the playoff hunt this late in the season, even though this is your fourth favorite sport (third actually, because soccer is not a real sport).  More than I can say for the Kanucks.  #atleastyougotthatgoingforyouwhichisnice

12.  ChingChong BingBongs (14) – I mean, I guess I could put this team in last, seeing as how GM Bert Fong gave away the team’s two best players for each other (yeah, figure that one out).  Maybe the league ought to vote and just restrict Bert from making any trades during a season.  We do live in the time of Obama and social engineering now being acceptable so that seems reasonable #worstpresidentever

13.  Kanucks (8) – Thinks were looking bizzaro world at the start of the season as the Kanucks looked like a force to be reckoned with.  Then, GM Dave Kitchen got involved and assumed that running a fantasy hockey team was a mindless as running a crossfit work out session and everything is back to where it has been the last 4 years #shirtlessmenyellingandusingastopwatch

14.  Not Poodle (13) – Do something.  Anything. #theworst

Season Preview

The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well.  Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen.  Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching.  So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.

Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up.  I am never wrong.

Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort.  In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates.  This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it.  The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)).  One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer.  To live.  He is super old.  Prediction:  Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.

Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net.  While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet).  Don’t think this year will be pretty.  Prediction:  13th, also know as second last.

Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:

wobble wobble

From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed.  Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade.  Prediction:  12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen

Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively.  Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team.  It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses.  Prediction:  11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.

Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age.  Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark.  Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual.  Prediction:  In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th.  Also a career best finish.

Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete.  Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM.  You suck Court.  Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.

ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team.  I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate.  Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year.  That would sum up this team.  Prediction:  8th.  Eeeks into playoffs.  Promptly loses.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Old.  And mediocre.  No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year).  This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done.  How about Cory Conacher.  Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team.  Well done Pete (and Steve).  Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst.  See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much.  Prediction:  7th.  Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.

Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team.  Pretty far actually.  Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive.  Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce.  Prediction: 6th.  Still not very good, but great for Fatty.

Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year.   However, I think that strategy backfired this year.  While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league.  There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec.  The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg.  PEG CITY.  Prediction:  5th.  Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.

Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense.  Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up.  Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start.  Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well.  Prediction:  4th.  Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.

Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season.  Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie.  Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good.  However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season.  Prediction:  3rd.  Howard fucks this team, eventually.

Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns!  Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida.  Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly.  Prediction:  2nd.  Annoying everyone.

Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year.  Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup.  Prediction:  1st.  Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.

Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters.  Also, remember to pay.  If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.

2013-2014 Awards Voting

As we get ready for the 2014-2015 season (more on that later today), now is the perfect time to vote on the 2014-2015 award winners.  Some new faces as nominees in each category, so lets get straight to it.

Jack Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the best fantasy hockey GM in our league, as judged by his/her peers.  The nominees are:

Pete Shpak, Pistol’s Hellcats – The only thing you ever need on your resume is on his, the Anze Cup champion.  Has a solid team, made a few good moves, and had a bit of luck, and ended up on top.  Longevity of his team may be in doubt, but last year, he was the best.

Jesse Cook, Anzoolander – A good run that fell short in a predictable way; going with an old goalie late in the season.  One could argue trading for Miller got him to the finals, and one could argue it cost him the finals.  Either way, Jesse is one of the most active GMs in the league and his moves got him to final.  Of course, you could also argue he has to be active because he is terrible at drafting.  You decide.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Since joining Super Sperm as a GM, this team has consistently been one of the favorites.  While it has yet to win the big one, his ability to keep this team in the league elite has been impressive.

Eugene Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his/her team’s failure.  Quite a group of misfits we have this year:

Ryan Schauble, Super Sperm – insiders say the decisions made by Ryan are the sole reason that Super Sperm has never one the big one.  When you listen to him argue who is and isn’t a keeper (obv), it pretty much confirms this.  And he spells fuck wrong on a consistent basis, which further supports idiocy

Dave Kitchen, Kanucks – Like Jesse, one of the most active general managers in the league, however unlike Jesse, he can’t get out of the cellar.  His choices are bad.  I mean, seriously, all you do it watch people get good at exercising.  Figure out fantasy hockey.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – The level of mediocrity this team exhibits is nothing short of astounding.  Outsiders are hopeful moving to a hockey town will change this team’s prospects.  Matt has once described his strategy as follows; “when someone offers a trade to me, I ask what Cole (Ballard) and Court (Watson) think.  I always end up going with what Cole thinks.”  Explains everything.

Andy Kordyban award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Aptly named, and usually won by Jesse Cook.  Here are this year’s nominees:

Court Watson – After back to back championships, missed the playoffs with a loss in the final week.  All but disappeared from fantasy hockey, but still pretends like he knows what he talking about.  Embarrassing and terrible all at once

Jesse Cook – Nobody is more vocal about how good his team his before they actually are good, and gets everyone thoroughly laughing at him and not with him.  He is a two time recipient for a reason

Matt Welsh – If you recall the start of the season, he traded for people then dropped them, and gave away good players for plugs.  If his moves were so absurdly clownish, he would be up for Eugene Adams, but this year was so bad for him he not eligible for that award.

There you have it.  Please vote in the polls on the sidebar, and thank you for all that you do.

Playoffs!

Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work.  I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire.  The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.

That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.

First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck.  Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing.  To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management.  You suck.  Bad.  Hashtag awful.

Now lets move onto the matchups.  If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.

1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself.  The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses.  Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.”   Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him.  Also, Cam Ward sucks.  Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks.  The numbers don’t’ lie.  Wives do.

Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.

2.  Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off.  Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster.  Well played, idiot.  When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose.  If you don’t lose, you should still lose.  Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them.  So, each team has handicapped itself for this week.  Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive.  I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.

Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes.  I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats.  The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game.  Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers.  Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals.  So just idiots.

Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory.  Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.

4.  Anzoolander vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):

“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”

It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22.  Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:

“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”

This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get.  On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time.  Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well?  Are you ignorant?).  This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.

Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.

Good luck to all, and lick my balls.

JM