And the Winners Are (And Draft Date, and House Cleaning, the Departed, and Newbie Intros and Whatever)

The votes are in and there were clear winners, losers, and sometimes both at the same time. Let's go through the award winners.

Jack Adams - Luke Mackinnon. Impressive first year, as this rookie GM turned a playoff team into, well, a playoff team. And did it by taking advantage of the dumbest Asian I have ever met. And a Crossfitter (which means even dumber than the dumb Asian). So the rest of us suck. So, this actually got kind of depressing. Good job, I guess.

Eugene Adams - Bert Fong. No surprise (see above). Also, this is a repeat win for the original Eugene Adams award winner, and the only GM to win this twice. Hats off, we are all dumber for having played in a league with you.

Andy Kordyban - Luke Mackinnon. Great win here as he took the award Jesse Cook generally owns (three of last four go to him). Luke did bring great energy, spastic, incoherent ramblings, laughed harder at his own jokes than anyone else, and has a head that kind of resembles a penis. Pretty sure this isn't the last we have seen of Luke in the running for this coveted award. By the way, if you haven't met Andy, but you are from the Lower Mainland, watch this video, and I assure you by the end you will be saying "oh shit, that guy..."

If you made it to the one minute mark, stick tap to you sir.

Now onto the draft.  If you haven't already seen the update on the league page, the draft is scheduled for 8:30 PST on September 30. Not everyone wanted to make it as this time, but it was the only time everyone COULD make it. Don't like it? Don't care. Rosters will be updated this week for off season trades (it takes time, I have a real job, and a wife, and a kid (all dumb decisions)). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ROSTER WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, NOT ME. I DON'T CARE IF YOU MARRIED A TEACHER AND BECAME A LIBERAL AND THEREFORE BELIEVE NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. STEVE.

Now some sad news; as some of you may know, we have had two GMs leave our league this offseason. 1.5 of them were fairly actively engaged and added value to the league banter. The other 0.5 was Fatty; go fuck yourself Fatty. David Dugan is leaving us, and I for one can say he will be missed. His value being he overvalued someone other than the Canucks and had more knowledge of the Eastern Conference than most, and anyone who is a fan of the League and It Is Always Sunny in Philadelphia is ok in my books. I give you his parting message:

"Dearest Joe,

It it with great sadness that I submit my resignation as General Manager of the Halifax Highlanders. It was not an easy decision, as I have tried for years to build a winning team. The surprise departure of Ninja last year (how appropriate) and being the only East Coast team made me realize that a franchise relocation would be best for everyone. I'm sure that the new GM will be less of a Ted and more of a Ruxin. Thank you for all your hard work over the past years. I will still be checking in on the blog and if the new guys wins with my team, I want 20%. To all my fellow GM's, Go Puck Yourself, especially you Jesse, that playoff loss will haunt me for years. 

Sincerely, That guy most of you never met.

Dave"

'sniff'.  A little dusty in here.

Luckily, it appears we have added two absolute dip shits to our league, so that should be fun. And honestly, fresh blood reinvigorates most things, just ask Syrian rebels. Tonight I proudly introduce our two new GMs.

Ryan Zupan

Second  greatest photo of the African continent ever

Taking over Fatty's team and now the Connor McSaviors, this picture pretty much says it all in terms of value he will bring. And that isn't even the reason I am excited he is joining our league. No, the reason I am excited is that he is a die hard Oiler fan. Die hards make bad fantasy hockey decisions, which means everyone else benefits. And supporting a team where talent goes to die? Absolute gold mine Jerry. But of course, he will tell you this year is going to be different, Connor McDavid is the real deal, things will turn around, blah blah blah blah, Devan Dubynk. Welcome to the big show, Mr. Zupan. By the way, after seeing that picture, I went to youtube to watch a video. Can you guess which one? I know at least 50% of you knew this was coming:

If you didn't get through this entire video, just quit the league now.

Todd Toothill

Taking over for Dugan, who had one of the best team names in the league and replacing it with Hatrick Sawyze, just awful insulting tradition like that. However, Todd is a personable, well dressed, well groomed and overall polished young man. He will be a fine addition to the league and we should all encourage him to do his best. I say all this, because Todd is mentally slow, as you will come to realize over time. Anyone who thinks Eli is better than Peyton has to be, amiright? I once saw him at a wedding get so befuddled giving a speech he just kept saying "aka, aka, aka" while his tiny brain worked in overtime. I just wanted to yell "Run Forrest!" and encourage him on, but he persevered. It was inspiring. Welcome to the league Todd, you are special and we are all supporting you.

In all seriousness, $50 says despite being semi-retarded he still easily beats Bert this year.

Let the games begin.

JM

2013-2014 Awards Voting

As we get ready for the 2014-2015 season (more on that later today), now is the perfect time to vote on the 2014-2015 award winners.  Some new faces as nominees in each category, so lets get straight to it.

Jack Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the best fantasy hockey GM in our league, as judged by his/her peers.  The nominees are:

Pete Shpak, Pistol’s Hellcats – The only thing you ever need on your resume is on his, the Anze Cup champion.  Has a solid team, made a few good moves, and had a bit of luck, and ended up on top.  Longevity of his team may be in doubt, but last year, he was the best.

Jesse Cook, Anzoolander – A good run that fell short in a predictable way; going with an old goalie late in the season.  One could argue trading for Miller got him to the finals, and one could argue it cost him the finals.  Either way, Jesse is one of the most active GMs in the league and his moves got him to final.  Of course, you could also argue he has to be active because he is terrible at drafting.  You decide.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Since joining Super Sperm as a GM, this team has consistently been one of the favorites.  While it has yet to win the big one, his ability to keep this team in the league elite has been impressive.

Eugene Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his/her team’s failure.  Quite a group of misfits we have this year:

Ryan Schauble, Super Sperm – insiders say the decisions made by Ryan are the sole reason that Super Sperm has never one the big one.  When you listen to him argue who is and isn’t a keeper (obv), it pretty much confirms this.  And he spells fuck wrong on a consistent basis, which further supports idiocy

Dave Kitchen, Kanucks – Like Jesse, one of the most active general managers in the league, however unlike Jesse, he can’t get out of the cellar.  His choices are bad.  I mean, seriously, all you do it watch people get good at exercising.  Figure out fantasy hockey.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – The level of mediocrity this team exhibits is nothing short of astounding.  Outsiders are hopeful moving to a hockey town will change this team’s prospects.  Matt has once described his strategy as follows; “when someone offers a trade to me, I ask what Cole (Ballard) and Court (Watson) think.  I always end up going with what Cole thinks.”  Explains everything.

Andy Kordyban award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Aptly named, and usually won by Jesse Cook.  Here are this year’s nominees:

Court Watson – After back to back championships, missed the playoffs with a loss in the final week.  All but disappeared from fantasy hockey, but still pretends like he knows what he talking about.  Embarrassing and terrible all at once

Jesse Cook – Nobody is more vocal about how good his team his before they actually are good, and gets everyone thoroughly laughing at him and not with him.  He is a two time recipient for a reason

Matt Welsh – If you recall the start of the season, he traded for people then dropped them, and gave away good players for plugs.  If his moves were so absurdly clownish, he would be up for Eugene Adams, but this year was so bad for him he not eligible for that award.

There you have it.  Please vote in the polls on the sidebar, and thank you for all that you do.

Not a New Champion

And that is the season folks, with the Everett Silvertips taking home their second in a row Anze Cup, after taking home their second in a row President’s Trophy.  I hope everyone appreciates the dynasty happening before our eyes.  This team made some tough decisions this year, and has even tougher decisions in the future.  But, good teams make tough decisions well, and bad teams are run by Matt Meier.

Big ups to Sean Stock for leading Super Sperm to the finals; impressive for a first year manager and great proof for future managers that may acquire an existing team that great skill can turn around the worst of teams.

There will be some sort of drunk fest over the break to discuss potential changes for the upcoming season and the next season’s draft.  Most likely, inflation will kick in, fees will go up, and that is about it.

Now on to one of my favorite parts of this blog; year end awards.  Let’s take a look at the finalists for each award.  Please take a moment to vote on each in the sidebar over on the right.

Jack Adams – awarded to the best general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Court Watson, Everett Silvertips – Back to back President’s Trophies, Back to Back Anze Cups.  Pretty much not more to say.  Made a bold move dealing Ilya Kovalchuk at the start of the year but it didn’t seem to hurt the team, all while giving this team another early pick in the draft.  Keepers on the team are pretty young, and this team could be a force for a while.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Led this team from near death in to the Anze Cup finals this year.  Hats off to a great first year effort, identifying the right talent to get this team from the disaster whatever-his-name managed it to to make this team a serious contender.

Scott Freeland, Bizarrohawks – How many of you know that this team has been in the semifinals in back to back years?  Like a ninja, Scott quietly does thoughtful analysis and puts his team in a position to win.  Like Flowers In the Cage, I root for this team because the GM has passion for this league.  Some of you jack fucks could take notes.

Eugene Adams – awarded to the worst general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Steve McIntyre, Jesse Loves Paymon – Started the year by exclaiming he had a championship team.  Then finished second last.  The exclaimed that he had more keepers than the league allowed.  WTF?  Audacity of hope?  More like audacity of nope.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – Last by a mile and too hesitant to make any moves that would shake up his roster.  Basically, if this team ever wants to get better, Matt needs to completely ignore his gut feeling. 

Mike Gaunt, Dr. Hook – Believes that holding on to Stamkos and Luongo can make this team great, only problem is they have already peaked and this team is still awful.  Good luck on this one.

Andy Kordyban – awarded to the biggest clown/idiot/douche/joker/homo/jew/circus act of the league.

Steve McIntyre – see above.  Had to be joking, but in all seriousness, wasn’t.

Jesse Cook – As always, an active participant, instilling passion in the league trying to become the best, all the while making others laugh at him, not with him.  Remember when he dropped Derek Stepan for Paul Bissonnette?  One lead the New York Rangers in points, the other was a pylon for the Phoenix Coyotes. 

Ryan Schauble – pretended he had any control whatsoever in this league and everyone played along and then talked about how little control he had when he wasn’t there.  Good times.

Voting is open for the next week or so, and coming up: a eulogy for Super Sperm and a message from the Anze Cup Champion, the Everett Silvertips.

A Duke Spotting

Managed to get the Duke in the broadcast today, and had him agree to an ongoing spot.  Pretty big news, he typically does leave his parents’ house…where he lives.

It can only get better.