The Playoffs!

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs.  Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck.  Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it.  One trade for very little.  Hashtag rebuild.  By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons.  Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it).  My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied.  If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey.  Wild boar hunting season starts early this year.  Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau.  You the man.  The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in.  If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere.  So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off.  With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets): 

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats.  Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close.   I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well.  I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction:  Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday).  Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs.  Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs.  The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill.  For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad.  Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible.  This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run.  In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process.  The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball.  In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs.  Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through.  Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey.  Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.  

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 7

Before we get to power rankings, just a reminder that league fees are due by December 1.  I don’t care how much you owe, even it is $1.88, if payment is not received, you will be locked out of team management. 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

Now, this week’s power rankings are being brought you from Texans GM, Chris Thomas, disproving the stereotype that people from Texas can neither read or write (but not disproving the stereotype that Texas is full of only steers and queers):

1.  Anzoolander (2) - This team has done a great job of using the waiver wire and (Kills me to say) drafting. There is a potent talent level here with unbelievable scoring ability. Getting lucky with a rookie who must love date raping girls to be able to keep up with Kane, and a veteran finally living up to his ability in Montreal. Unfortunately Gallagher will be out with a broken hand that requires surgery (waaaaaahh). If the goaltending can keep up, look out, this could be on the path to repeat.

(GM Jesse Cook after championship #2, which won’t happen)

2.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

This team is not surprisingly ranked number two because of the consistency. With only 1 player with 20 points, but 10 players with 15 or more points, should keep this train moving. Average goal tending could derail this team for the Anze Cup, but there is no doubt they will make the playoffs. Looks like selling Connor for this years’ cup may pay off.

3.  Philospoher King (10) - This team is only ranked number three out of pity. His team is over-performing from the norm and with the injury to his young super star, this could get ugly quick. There is a load of young talent who will no doubt keep this team great for years to come as long as the GM can keep a level head. Now that his trading partners have nothing, and I mean nothing to give, he will have to look for other avenues to improve his team.

4.  Texans (4) - This team has been very consistent with an unlucky schedule. The mediocre drafting could be the demise. Also, great Defense seems to be a problem with the best worst +/- at Minus 40. If this team stays healthy, could make a run for the cup. Inevitably this GM will find a way to screw up this years’ team with some corroboration of bertmetrics. (Had to keep this picture going)

5.  Pistol’s Hellcats (7) - This team has great goaltending…. And nothing else!

Trending Down but will still make the playoffs because of a super easy schedule!

6.  Super Sperm (3) - Wow, this team could be so good. Arguably the best keepers in the league. Arguably the worst management though. Bad drafting has kept this team at arm’s reach from the top. I suggest a big trade or two will push you closer to the top.

7.  Jesse Loves Paymon (5) - Lucky for this team Evgeni Malkin might have woken up. GM Steve McIntyre also uses the preferred method of trading (bertmetrics). Average goaltending and poor play from most of his team is why this team ends up in the seven spot. Should he find some suitors for a big trade (which he won’t) he might have a team to compete.  Here is your trading partner:

8.  Kane & She Was Abel (6) - This team is aptly named as the only good player he has is leading the league in points. Luckily this works out to two decent players on other teams. The only reason this team is doing so well in the rankings is because each week the team playing him has an off week. This will change, unlike the behavior of his top player:

9.  Hatrick Swayze (12) - With one player above 15 points and bad goaltending, it’s easy to see why this team remains in the lower middle. Might want to think about changing your picture. Cut and paste should work for you. If you still don’t understand why your team is here, actually look at it! (JM:  This team is on pace to defy statistics.  There is a high correlation between shots and points, and this team is defying that correlation.  Top of the league in shots, bottom in points, it is actually amazing to watch.  Maybe this team does have AIDS.)

10.  Everett Silvertips (11) - This team continues to baffle me as to why they keep losing with the keepers they have… Oh wait, terrible goaltending and mismanagement. It is unbelievable how good the original keepers are but won’t produce on this team. The lack of depth is obvious another red flag. Speaking of flags, GM Court Watson might want to waive this around.

11.  Kanucks (8) - This team is good, oh wait, that is another team. The good news for GM Dave is that he is used to being in this spot. There might be one player you can trade (JM:  Nope). Third lowest in points scored but second in PIMS is a good thing right! Just like something else I have heard of.

12.  Connor McSaviors (9) - This team got a raw deal coming into the league with a bad team. Rookie GM Ryan Zupan had the chance to get things going with some good picks in the draft and chose Drouin with his FIRST pick. What were you thinking GM Zoops, your future is at the bottom, welcome to the best league around (JM: ever)!

I know you like posting these types of pics!

13.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) - This team is really good at being bad. Fortunately there is one team worse. There are 3 players with over 15 points, and that is it. You should have a good shot at 1^st pick next year.

14.  Me So Vyborny (14) - If hockey’s greatest players were on the second line, this team would be awesome. As most of us know, it is the top line that does most of the scoring hence why this team has hardly any points. Maybe a 3 or 4 for 1 trade could be in the works for a playoff team needing depth. Just saying. It’s an idea! Good luck!

Good job Tex.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Here's this week's power rankings brought to you by poo-litzer prize winning investigatory journalist, Rick Shaw (Editor’s note: Actually, it is Bert Fong).

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)



What a week.  What a season.  Lokomotiv 2138 is looking more like the juggernaut it should be instead of the usual jugger-not that it is.  With the exception of Week 3, this team has been kicking ass and taking names not losing more than 4 categories while winning no less than 10.  Who knew a "Cole" powered choo-choo could be so unstoppable.

2. Anzoolander (2)

Through 4 weeks, this team still remains undefeated and could be the closest team that could stop Lokomotiv. He's been just as dominating as Lokomotiv (with the exception of Week 3 as well).  I asked what Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook attributed his fantasy hockey prowess to and he responded, "PBJ.  I have it 2, maybe 3, times a day."  When I asked why he has peanut butter and jelly so many times a day, he replied, "Peanut butter and jelly?! I was referring to Paymon's Ball Juice."

3.  Super Sperm (4)

This team looks as though it's been getting better each week.  There hasn't been one week where he's scored less than 20 points and while some of his keepers (i.e. Nash and Perry) have been struggling, his draftees (i.e. Yakupov, Seabrook, Suter) have been picking up the slack, but time will tell if they can maintain this.  If his goaltending comes around, he could be a real contender.

4. Texans (5)

This team can go far, but an early face-off (and drubbing) against Lokomotiv stalled what could still be a banner year for the Texans

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (6)

With 2 keepers on the IR, JLP GM Steve McIntyre has had to rely on the bench to fill in the void which he's managed to do with some success.  With news of Datsyuk possibly returning to the lineup this week, the outlook for this team is looking brighter.  Now if only he could do something about his goaltending...

 

6. Kane And She Was Abel (7)

How in the world is this team where it is in the standings? Seems as though GM Mike Gaunt is looking to do what that girl wasn't able to do: ride Patrick Kane to a big payday.  Not sure how that will play out for him, but it seems to be working for the moment, so why not just keep on going?


7. Pistol's Hellcats (3)

I have no idea how this team is in first.  Oh wait, having 3 bye weeks in the first 5 weeks will do that for you.  This team hasn't broken the 20 point plateau since Week 2 and if they keep trending in this direction, this ranking could be generous.  When asked what he thought about his detractors saying he was all flash, no finish, he replied, "Firstly, I don;t have tractors.  I'm a real estate agent, not a farmer.  B, of course I have no Finnish.  I'm Canadian."  Like Laser Luke said last week, "No one loves this team more than its own GM."  Hellcats GM Pete Shpak could be the new FIGJAM.

  

8. Kanucks (12) Seems to be doing something right, but it's Dave and he will inevitably do something to eff it all up.

9. Connor McSaviors (11)

Bertmetrics applauds the addition of Clayton Stoner.



10. Philosopher Kings (9)

This team was moving along just nicely until Connor McDavid broke his collarbone.  Don't worry though, I'm sure ChingChong BingBongs will let you "trade Kane" them again.

11. Everett Silvertips (10)

This is an unusual spot to see this team that is used to being in the top eight.  However, I'm sure Silvertips GM Court Watson's penchant for spreadsheets and statistical norms (hehe, I said testicles) will surely bring this team back up from the depths of the cellar.

12. Hatrick Swayze (8)

With only 6 players whose rankings have improved since the season started, the odds of this team improving (unless Sidney Crosby turns it around) is about as good as GM Todd Toothill going the rest of the season in men's league hockey without getting another penalty.

13. Me So Vyborny (13)

Showed some promise at the beginning, but then so is going to the prom with the second sluttiest girl in school only to be ditched while she gives it up to Timmy Konowalchuk under the bleachers on the football field because he swiped some peppermint schnapps from his dad's liquor cabinet.  I digress.  Vyborny GM, Matt Meier is getting some decent production from his keepers, but it's his bench and his goaltending that's letting him down.  It's still early in the season so things can still turn around.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (14)

I don't think there is anything more you could say about this team. Other than "It. Is, Hall-Eeee-Bow." It is clear to all, that the bad trades during the season last year and the following off season, why CCBB GM Bert Fong is the first and ONLY person to win the Eugene Adams Award twice and this season could make it a three-peat.  I tried to get an interview with him after his unprecedented accomplishment, but he was speechless, so all I was able to get was this picture.  A picture is worth a thousand words.

Power Rankings: Week 4

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape.  Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think).  Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon.  As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team.  After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league.  #AllinOrBust

2.  Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it.  I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds.  He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price.  The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM.  His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long.  Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble.  #WhereIsTheDepth

3.  Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM.  With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay.  We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'.  If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling.  #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated 

4.  Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league.  He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe.  All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe.  I tend to like this team.  #MovingOnUp

5.  Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one.  Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs.  #HeadedToTheTop

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end.  #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7.  Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits.  "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?"  Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law.  Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist.  #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8.   Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks.  It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year.  The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for.  A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on.  Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs?  This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value.  I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though.  Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9.  Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10.  Everett Silvertips  (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long.  Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league.  And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?".  I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day.  #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11.  Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation.  An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs.  I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round.  Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past.  Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12.  Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen.  For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it.  Its painful to watch.  Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week.  The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved.  #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13.  Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes.  I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...?  I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!!  Why are they so bad.  Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some."  Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt.  I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note:  and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl.  #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here: 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something).  All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com.  All payments in USD.  All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees.  Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends.  Payment is due by Nov. 1.  After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay.  Got it?  Don’t care.  Figure it out.

JM

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM

And the Winners Are (And Draft Date, and House Cleaning, the Departed, and Newbie Intros and Whatever)

The votes are in and there were clear winners, losers, and sometimes both at the same time. Let's go through the award winners.

Jack Adams - Luke Mackinnon. Impressive first year, as this rookie GM turned a playoff team into, well, a playoff team. And did it by taking advantage of the dumbest Asian I have ever met. And a Crossfitter (which means even dumber than the dumb Asian). So the rest of us suck. So, this actually got kind of depressing. Good job, I guess.

Eugene Adams - Bert Fong. No surprise (see above). Also, this is a repeat win for the original Eugene Adams award winner, and the only GM to win this twice. Hats off, we are all dumber for having played in a league with you.

Andy Kordyban - Luke Mackinnon. Great win here as he took the award Jesse Cook generally owns (three of last four go to him). Luke did bring great energy, spastic, incoherent ramblings, laughed harder at his own jokes than anyone else, and has a head that kind of resembles a penis. Pretty sure this isn't the last we have seen of Luke in the running for this coveted award. By the way, if you haven't met Andy, but you are from the Lower Mainland, watch this video, and I assure you by the end you will be saying "oh shit, that guy..."

If you made it to the one minute mark, stick tap to you sir.

Now onto the draft.  If you haven't already seen the update on the league page, the draft is scheduled for 8:30 PST on September 30. Not everyone wanted to make it as this time, but it was the only time everyone COULD make it. Don't like it? Don't care. Rosters will be updated this week for off season trades (it takes time, I have a real job, and a wife, and a kid (all dumb decisions)). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ROSTER WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, NOT ME. I DON'T CARE IF YOU MARRIED A TEACHER AND BECAME A LIBERAL AND THEREFORE BELIEVE NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. STEVE.

Now some sad news; as some of you may know, we have had two GMs leave our league this offseason. 1.5 of them were fairly actively engaged and added value to the league banter. The other 0.5 was Fatty; go fuck yourself Fatty. David Dugan is leaving us, and I for one can say he will be missed. His value being he overvalued someone other than the Canucks and had more knowledge of the Eastern Conference than most, and anyone who is a fan of the League and It Is Always Sunny in Philadelphia is ok in my books. I give you his parting message:

"Dearest Joe,

It it with great sadness that I submit my resignation as General Manager of the Halifax Highlanders. It was not an easy decision, as I have tried for years to build a winning team. The surprise departure of Ninja last year (how appropriate) and being the only East Coast team made me realize that a franchise relocation would be best for everyone. I'm sure that the new GM will be less of a Ted and more of a Ruxin. Thank you for all your hard work over the past years. I will still be checking in on the blog and if the new guys wins with my team, I want 20%. To all my fellow GM's, Go Puck Yourself, especially you Jesse, that playoff loss will haunt me for years. 

Sincerely, That guy most of you never met.

Dave"

'sniff'.  A little dusty in here.

Luckily, it appears we have added two absolute dip shits to our league, so that should be fun. And honestly, fresh blood reinvigorates most things, just ask Syrian rebels. Tonight I proudly introduce our two new GMs.

Ryan Zupan

Second  greatest photo of the African continent ever

Taking over Fatty's team and now the Connor McSaviors, this picture pretty much says it all in terms of value he will bring. And that isn't even the reason I am excited he is joining our league. No, the reason I am excited is that he is a die hard Oiler fan. Die hards make bad fantasy hockey decisions, which means everyone else benefits. And supporting a team where talent goes to die? Absolute gold mine Jerry. But of course, he will tell you this year is going to be different, Connor McDavid is the real deal, things will turn around, blah blah blah blah, Devan Dubynk. Welcome to the big show, Mr. Zupan. By the way, after seeing that picture, I went to youtube to watch a video. Can you guess which one? I know at least 50% of you knew this was coming:

If you didn't get through this entire video, just quit the league now.

Todd Toothill

Taking over for Dugan, who had one of the best team names in the league and replacing it with Hatrick Sawyze, just awful insulting tradition like that. However, Todd is a personable, well dressed, well groomed and overall polished young man. He will be a fine addition to the league and we should all encourage him to do his best. I say all this, because Todd is mentally slow, as you will come to realize over time. Anyone who thinks Eli is better than Peyton has to be, amiright? I once saw him at a wedding get so befuddled giving a speech he just kept saying "aka, aka, aka" while his tiny brain worked in overtime. I just wanted to yell "Run Forrest!" and encourage him on, but he persevered. It was inspiring. Welcome to the league Todd, you are special and we are all supporting you.

In all seriousness, $50 says despite being semi-retarded he still easily beats Bert this year.

Let the games begin.

JM

The New Fight of the Century

Some people like to think the “Thrilla in Manilla” was the greatest fight of the three bout series between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  While that was a good one, the first fight was coined the “Fight of the Century” for a reason.  That fight is a fitting analogy to one of the best fantasy hockey playoff matchups I have seen in a while, mainly because in both the playoff match and the fight, a gorilla prevailed (not because he was black, because that was Ali’s nickname for Frazier, you racist).

It all came down to the last day in this “epic” match (side note: I use epic in quotation marks because the Bubonic Plague was epic, the Crusades were Epic.  Your fantasy hockey matchup, or your workout, are not), right down to the last two minutes of the last two games.  A game winning goal for the Halifax Highlanders, a very real possibility in both games, and they win.  You could almost hear Burt Lancaster scream “The tension, and the excitement here, is monumental!”  In fact, lets just watch that to get everyone pumped up.

What a finish.

In the end, Captain Serious sealed the deal for Anzoolander.  When Jesse Cook was told that Toews just had a game winning goal to save his team, Cook responded, “he didn’t save my team, he just iced the match.  So serious.”

For all the other matchups, the losers were either outmanaged, outmatched, outplayed, or all three.  Pick one.  There were some windows closing on some good teams this season if they couldn’t pull off an Anze Cup, and those windows slammed shut.

With that, lets look at this week’s playoff matchups.

1.  Bizarrohawks vs. 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 20-9 for Bizarrohawks)

Everett Silvertips came back to life after a few quiet weeks, leading the entire league in points for the 5th time in the last 7 weeks, easily dominating his opponent.  Still, the weakness here is in net, especially that terrible, god awful goalie for the Canucks, and that will be an uncertainty for however long this team lasts (which won’t be long).  Bizarrohawks on the other hand, put up an awful performance, barely eeking out a win against a team that had its two best players on IR.  So bad is this team playing in fact, that only 2 of the starting offense this made it into the top 300 over the last seven days.

But isn’t that how it works?  Great teams find a way to win even when not playing their best, and this team continues to do so.  This may be a bit closer of a matchup, and Everett Silvertips enters the week as healthy as they have ever been, but I still like Bizarrohawks to advance.  This match is going to come down to goaltending and ancillary stats, like short handed goals.

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks sneaks by 6-5-5, and makes its first appearance in the Anze Cup Finals.

3.  Anzoolander versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 20-7 for Anzoolander)

Here was have the hottest team from last week versus the team with the most uninspiring victory.  I applaud JLP GM Steve McIntyre for going for it at the trade deadline, but he really didn’t get that much out of his trades, and his team looked awful.  Maybe it is just his shiny head that looks awful, I don’t know. 

But the best part of this matchup isn’t the teams, it is the long tenured relationship of the GMs themselves.  Brothers from another mother, born 20 days apart, been through thick and thin.  One hooked up with the other’s sister, and one drew all over the other’s face (not really a fair trade, but I laughed at both). 

I am looking forward to good banter on the Smack Talk feature on the league page (quietly the most underrated new feature), and can see Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook hunched over his computer like a gorilla slamming the desk when things go wrong, with Steve McIntyre watching StatTracker 10 miles away with a beverage in hand with the same incredulous “Are you kidding me?!?!?” as when he would get runner runner eliminated from a sit-and-go.  This game will come down to one player; Carey Price.  He could literally stand beside the net and allow all shots in for the rest of the season and still win the Vezina.  What a season he has had.  Bert, you are an idiot.   There is no other way to put it.

Prediction:  Anzoolander makes its second Anze Cup Finals appearance in a row, winning 8-4-4.

Good luck to all teams still in it, and God speed.

The Playoffs!!!

We are finally here.  What a thrill ride this weekend was.  So many ups and downs, so close for both the President’s Trophy and the last few playoffs spots each with the teams switching multiple times on Saturday and Sunday (well, maybe Saturday, I was drinking for more than 20 hours of that day (true story) and couldn’t really see anything).

First, congrats to Pete Shpak for making it back to the playoffs to defend the Anze Cup.  And for joining the dumbest club on the planet this weekend.  At least it was super fun.

To Luke, congrats on winning the President’s Trophy.  Personally, I think it is the harder accolade to win, and you had an impressive season having Bert give away his best players to you make strategic moves.  That reminds me, remember when I talked about Bertmetrics in the fourth ever blog post for this league?  Good times.

And to Cole, for finishing ninth in an absolutely spectacular way; losing 13-0 to the then worst team in the league, including losing the goalie categories because you didn’t have enough appearances (that super high bar of “2”).  This is just for you:

9th.

With that, lets take a look at the first round matchups.  Those of you that remember my picks last year, I went 7-0 in matchup picks (prove me wrong).

1.  Bizarrohawks versus 8. 3rd and Luongo to Go (regular season winner – 16-11 for Bizarrohawks)

I don’t see this being close.  3rd and Luongo’s loss of Kane (pick one) is just too much to do much against a fairly healthy Bizarrohawks.  I think goaltending categories will be close, but it just won’t be enough, and Bizarrohawks easily advances. 

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks wins easily, 10-4-2

2.  Super Sperm versus 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 8-2 for Super Sperm)

This matchup is going to come down to two things; the Wall and how many players get hurt for the Everett Silvertips this week.  While 3 of the 4 who sat last week because they were all injured the week before that have returned, Everett Silvertips is a bruised and battered team.  Super Sperm on the other hand has been a model of consistency and the team’s workhorses have continually performed and all have 3 or more games this week.  Looking back at prior weeks and matching up totals, these teams are often close when healthy, and while the Everett Silvertips is the only team with two players currently sitting top ten in scoring, Super Sperm has gotten better production from the depth players overall.

Prediction:  Super Sperm eeks this one out, 8-7-1

3.  Anzoolander versus 6.  Halifax Highlanders (regular season winner – 8-6 for Halifax Highlanders)

I think it would be hard to argue there is a hotter team in the league than the Halifax Highlanders, and initially I thought the upset would be a walk in the park.  If anyone has been watching closely, Anzoolander has slowed down a bit, primarily as goals and shots fall in line with what they should be (3rd in goals, 8th in shots is a deviation from the mean).  Anzoolander’s goaltenders have been dynamite though, but so have the crew for Halifax Highlanders. 

And then tonight happened.  What a night for Anzoolander, probably the best night he could put up with 11 points from seven players.  But here is the thing, after that performance, Anzoolander is still tied with the Halifax Highlanders.  This matchup is in my mind could be the best match up of the playoffs, the Gatti Ward of this year’s Anze Cup playoffs.  I am looking forward to pouring myself a full glass of scotch, putting stattracker on the big screen and watching it unfold while I chirp both of the GMs.

Prediction:  Heroic KO in the 7th round, and Anzoolander has a big Sunday to comeback and win 8-4-4

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 13-9 for Pistol’s Hellcats)

Pistol’s Hellcats is limping into the playoffs as this team attempts to defend the Anze Cup.    Meanwhile, the last time Jesse Love Paymon beat one of teams in the playoffs was week 10 (3rd and Luongo got in on a technicality).  Both teams are already off to mediocre starts offensively, and both have goalies with no real history of success outperforming expectations this week.  Not sure I get the logic of having Skinner in over Duchene while Duchene is on a little bit of a hot streak, but oh well. Should be fun to watch!   Like watching wet cement into a side walk.  At some point, one of their no name goalies has to give, it is just a question of who is first. 

Prediction:  Hammond gives first, Double D stays strong.  Jesse Loves Paymon wins, 7-6-3

Good luck gentlemen.

Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!

Power Rankings: Week 2

Anyone else stare at stattracker like it is seductive naked temptress?  Here we go.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1):  Team keeps plugging along though there might be some warning signs in net.  As Bryzgalov tires, will his performance deteriorate similar to Crossfit North Vancouver’s profit as the supply curve shifts to the right?  Probably, but I don’t think we are there yet (for both).

2.  Crosby’s Concussions (5) – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre said that Thomas Vanek was riding Luke Adam’s coattails and that was the reason for his success.  Given last week’s performance, the league has begun to understand why Steve didn’t win GM of the year last year and his championship was a fluke. 

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Yes, this team beat the worst team in the league, but still put up decent numbers doing so.  Phil Kessel continues to light it up.  The concern on this team may be Al Montoya, who despite his clear Vezina candidacy, may see more of a time share with Evgeni Nabokov.

4.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Average offense hidden by stellar goaltending.  Hopefully the introduction of Martin Havlat, who seems to be gelling with Couture and Clowe quite nicely in his two games since returning from injury, can spark the offense.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Big win and an upgrade on defense this week (more on that later).  Starting Brian “The Wall” Elliot is always suspect though.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – As usual, tagging right along behind Jesse, his favorite spot.  Let’s see if he can finally rise above his idol mancrush dream lover hero friend.

7.  Texans (11) – Goaltending covered weak offense.  Waiting for this team to warm up, which is kind of scary since they are third overall.

8.  Super Sperm (7) – This team needs Phil Kessel.  Sergei Bobby is not the solution.

9.  Captain Chinese (4) – Holy shit, even before the Andrew Brunette debacle, this team set a near record for lowest points in a week.   Many of you noticed the trade this past week, in which Anzoolander stole an offensive defender in Christian Ehrhoff and dumped Andrew Brunette.  Here is how I envisioned it in GM Bert Fong’s little Japanese mind using the tried and true Bertmetrics:

“If I can get a LW slated to be the 301 best player in the league, and he is playing as though he is the 276^th player, is 38 years old, and he is only eligible for LW, and I have 4 others eligible for that position that are playing better, 2 others on IR that are forecasted to be better, giving me a total of 7 options at LW, and all I have to give up is an elite defender with offensive talent and will probably have more points this season than the LW’s best season of his 16 year career, and my third defender is great, but is also 36 and played 50 games last year, should I take that deal?

In a fucking heart beat.”

When I reached out to Bert to corroborate the thought process, he corrected one thing:

“Heartbeat is one word.”

And guess what, Pronger is now hurt.  Well played Bert.  You suck.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (14) – Stevie Franchise is no longer Stevie Franchise.  Fatty called it.  Duncan Keith is his best player.  That is sad.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – The only team in the league that has a keeper playing on the fourth line.

12.  Clarence Swampton (10) – Luongo sucks.  This team sucks.

13.  Bizzarohawks (12) – C’mon god, give this team a break.  Sounds like Max Pacioretty got dinged pretty bad and will be out for some time.

14.  Flowers in The Cage (13) – I can’t say it any better than GM Cole Ballard: “What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole team is this?”

Everyone has paid except Dave Kitchen and Fatty.  Rosters lock November 1 for you two clowns.