Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Annual Awards and Choosing the Draft Date

Welcome back sheepfuckers!



How has your summer been?  From what I hear, everyone has been busy, usually as a result of their stupid mistakes (drinking, marriage, kids, home ownership).  I am really excited to hear all about it.¹

Alright, first things first; awards voting!  Every year, we award three awards to well deserving recipients.  Lets revisit each of the awards and what they represent.

Jack Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s success

Eugene Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s failure

Andy Kordyban award – awarded annually the to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Named after this clown:



The Uniduke

Let's look at the nominees:

Jack Adams award:  Luke Mackinnon, Jesse Cook and Court Watson - The two teams in the Anze Cup Finals last year, and the team that went from out of the playoffs to third place.  Luke took over the team early in the season and turned it into an instant contender, though that may have been the result of being new and therefore being able to fuck the shit out of Bert Fong over and over in a series of trades (He traded away Max Pacioretty and in return received Max Pacioretty and Ryan Getzlaf...what the fuck?!?!?).  So maybe it was a fluke.  Mr. Cook did a fine job last season in his first Anze Cup win, but leveraged his team's future significantly in the process, will be interesting to see what he will do.  Court is just here because I needed three.  He sucks and deserves no votes, (and neither does anyone else in the league).

Eugene Adams award:  Bert Fong, Dave Kitchen and Matt Welsh - Perennially and consistently, the worst three teams in the league.  In standings, in roster management, in trades, in playing hurt players, in life, in everything.  Somehow amazingly, all three made the playoffs in 2011-12.  Since then, now they are known as Tres Descansos Semanales.²

Andy Kordyban award:  Jesse Cook, Luke Mackinnon, and Matt Welsh.  Spends an inordinate amount of time on fantasy hockey, vocal, bit of a loudmouth know-it-all but still funny, ultimately fucks things up.  Gotta admit, got a bit nostalgic when Luke joined this league, almost thought Kordyban was with us.  God bless him.

Get your votes in on the side bar at right.

Now onto the draft.  We need to pick a date.  This is arguably my favorite part of the season.  The complaining, the accusations, the basic dumbfuckery.  Some people don't want weekends, some people don't want weekdays.  Some people want earlier, some people want later.  Some people are on the east coast, some people aren't.  No time is perfect, suck it up.  With that in mind, Here are some dates I am throwing out there:

Thursday, September 17 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Friday, September 18 at 9 PM PST/12:00 AM EST
Wednesday, September 30 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Saturday, October 3 at 1:30 PM PST/4:30 PM EST

PLEASE RESPOND VIA EMAIL WHAT YOUR PREFERENCE IS, IN ORDER.  DO NOT SEND ME ONE DATE.  For example.  Here is an actual email from a moron:

"18th works"

Here is an email from a value added member of society:

"1. 18th, 2. 17th, 3. 30th, 4. 3rd.  Headed to college football game on the 3rd, so I would miss"

Inevitably, someone will miss the draft.  Unless they are a winner, like Jesse, who managed to do the draft WHILE ATTENDING THE BALLET.  If he can do it then, you can do it while doing whatever the fuck you are doing.  I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit about the draft times not being to your liking, so save it.³

I await all your responses.  Also, you may see your roster from the end of last year.  It will be updated over next week or so to reflect trades in the offseason.  Be patient.  Again, I don't get paid enough.⁴

Let's get this season rolling.  Put the women and children to bed, and lets go hunting for dinner.  At Jack In the Box, preferably.  And don't kill a famous lion; makes life awkward.

JM

---

1 I couldn't care less^↩
2 Three Weekly Byes (I think)^↩
3 I get paid nothing. FML.^↩
4 Still nothing. Still FML.^↩

Power Rankings: Week 20

Hello all.  Since it is the NHL trade deadline, I thought now would be as good a time as any to do another power rankings.  The race for the President’s Trophy has come down to a three pony race (at least non-mathematically, in my head), and unlike previous years where there were 6 or 7 teams competing for the last 3 playoff spots, it is looking like only a couple of teams will be competing to sneak into the playoffs and destroy the hopes and dreams of a top seed.

If there is one thing completely out of a GM’s control that has a significant impact on the quest for the Anze Cup, it is injuries.  You know what else is completely out of control?  Hashtags.  They are for fuck twats.  Who Crossfit.  So just Dave Kitchen.  And ISIS.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Strong goaltending and solid offense puts this team atop the standings, though weary rests the head that holds the crown; relying on someone named Andrew Hammond is never a good idea and will most likely explode in Pete’s face like a money shot from Peter North.  Despite losing Lundqvist, this team statistically still has the best goalies in the league (with an average ranking of 1.2 across scoring categories in out league this season).  Hopefully, King Henrik will be back just in time for the playoffs. #don’tdoitstaysingle

2. Super Sperm (3) – Was the beneficiary of shitty team management by Cole Ballard of Flowers In the Cage and as a result, now sits atop the standings.  This team has the most potent offense in the league, but as good as the offense is, the goaltending is that bad.  #Pavelecisn’ttheanswer

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – Sergei Bobrovsky comes back for the final regular season push and into the playoffs.  This team has quietly put up some pretty good numbers and appear to be clicking at the right time.  #pityrankingstevewillfuckitup

4. Bizzarohawks (7)– Despite being the healthiest team in the league, this team has failed to impress the last little while and has cooled down significantly.  However, great teams hold on while in a slump, and this team appears to be doing so.  The question is, is this a slump, or are the absurdities of this roster early on (the standard deviation was off the charts) returning to normal levels?  Bizzarohawks and Anzoolander share the top spot statistically across all league offensive scoring categories, so this will be interesting to watch. #aslongasbertisaroundyouhavesomeonetogiveyouhotplayersfornothing

5. Everett Silvertips (6) – In mid February of last season, this team lost its top scorer, then #2 in the NHL, for the rest of the season.  In mid February of this season, this team lost its top scorer, #1 in the NHL, 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, this season, another player on this team has stepped up and now sits tied for #1 in scoring.  After getting absolutely soul crushed three weeks ago, losing 12-0 and its best player, this team has lead the entire league in scoring each of the last two weeks (outscoring the next best team by 10 points a week ago), and walked away with an easy victory against Anzoolander despite Anzoolander having 12 more games played during the week.  The goalies suck so this team really has no chance, but I wouldn’t want to play them in a the first round.  I would say the loss of Ryan Miller is the loss of an elite goaltender, but the word elite associated with the Vancouver Canucks is completely inappropriate.  What a shitty, shitty franchise. #lackluster

6.  Flowers In The Cage (4) – GM Cole Ballard must sit in his office and modify his roster eleventy times every Monday before the first puck drops and the roster is locked.  I have to assume the reason why Cole left Michael Hutchinson on the bench was because in a panicked haste he googled the goalie to get the latest info and to his shock found out he was dead (and used to be the lead signer for INXS):

FYI, it is Hutchinson, not Huchence.

I imagine he was even more shocked to see Hutch have a dynamite week on his bench while his starters didn’t get enough starts for any goalie category to be eligible.  As Pete Shpak of the Hellcat’s said, “Flowers in the Cage not getting enough goalie starts is going to fuck me.”  Not as much as it is going to fuck Cole, Pete.

Side note:  The last time I did the Power Rankings, I made this comment:

“Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.”

This still stands. #forfucksakeslearnfromyourmistakeshahathatrhymes

7.  Anzoolander (2) – This team’s offense has gone all but silent.  Putting up multiple 1 and 2 point nights with negative +/- was just embarrassing.  This team is relying solely on goaltending at this point, and it isn’t enough.  Typically number of shots taken is indicative of goals, and when you are ninth in shots and third in goals, something has to correct itself.  Says GM Jesse Cook on the team’s woes, “It is all good, Phaneuf had a game winning goal the other night, so I am in good shape.”  I can see all of you spitting out your Frosted Flakes as you read that wondering what the fuck a Phaneuf GWG on the bench has to do with a terribly cold offense. #youranzecupwindowisn’tclosingitisslammedshut

Side note:  Speaking of Phaneuf, lets look at pictures of his wife:

Avery blazed the trail

She is no Charlotte McKinney, but she’ll do.  Aw fuck it, lets look at Charlotte, she is like Kate Upton, only not fat:

8.  3rd and Luongo (5) – Before you look at the this team and the next, you may want to look at the stat line for last week’s matchup.  Are you back?  Yeah, it took until Saturday for this team to crack 10 points for the week.  Some key injuries have just crushed this team, and totally exposed a lack of depth.  What an exciting matchup that was to watch on stat tracker, watching shots increase periodically #barnburner

9.  Texans (9) – your goalies are phenomenal, even the ones on the bench.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, YOUR OFFENSE IS AENEMIC.  If this team can do something before Go Puck Yourself’s trade deadline (even though it can be easily found on the league site, Luke and Ryan, it is March 19, 2015).  #dubynkforvezina

10.  Halifax Highlanders (10) – Across all scoring categories, this team actually sits inside the playoffs when looking at pure totals.  Not really sure why this team sits outside the playoffs, but it does.   Maybe it has to do with its star player, Sidney Crosby, being terrible, at least by Crosby’s standards.  Oh wait, I just looked at the player rankings from for this team for the entire season.   It is a complete lack of depth that is hurting this team #isiteversunnyinpittsburgh?

11.  Me So Vyborny (11) – Well, my hats off the GM Matt Meier; still in the playoff hunt this late in the season, even though this is your fourth favorite sport (third actually, because soccer is not a real sport).  More than I can say for the Kanucks.  #atleastyougotthatgoingforyouwhichisnice

12.  ChingChong BingBongs (14) – I mean, I guess I could put this team in last, seeing as how GM Bert Fong gave away the team’s two best players for each other (yeah, figure that one out).  Maybe the league ought to vote and just restrict Bert from making any trades during a season.  We do live in the time of Obama and social engineering now being acceptable so that seems reasonable #worstpresidentever

13.  Kanucks (8) – Thinks were looking bizzaro world at the start of the season as the Kanucks looked like a force to be reckoned with.  Then, GM Dave Kitchen got involved and assumed that running a fantasy hockey team was a mindless as running a crossfit work out session and everything is back to where it has been the last 4 years #shirtlessmenyellingandusingastopwatch

14.  Not Poodle (13) – Do something.  Anything. #theworst

Season Preview

The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well.  Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen.  Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching.  So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.

Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up.  I am never wrong.

Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort.  In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates.  This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it.  The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)).  One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer.  To live.  He is super old.  Prediction:  Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.

Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net.  While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet).  Don’t think this year will be pretty.  Prediction:  13th, also know as second last.

Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:

wobble wobble

From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed.  Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade.  Prediction:  12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen

Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively.  Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team.  It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses.  Prediction:  11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.

Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age.  Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark.  Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual.  Prediction:  In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th.  Also a career best finish.

Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete.  Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM.  You suck Court.  Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.

ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team.  I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate.  Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year.  That would sum up this team.  Prediction:  8th.  Eeeks into playoffs.  Promptly loses.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Old.  And mediocre.  No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year).  This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done.  How about Cory Conacher.  Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team.  Well done Pete (and Steve).  Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst.  See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much.  Prediction:  7th.  Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.

Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team.  Pretty far actually.  Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive.  Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce.  Prediction: 6th.  Still not very good, but great for Fatty.

Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year.   However, I think that strategy backfired this year.  While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league.  There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec.  The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg.  PEG CITY.  Prediction:  5th.  Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.

Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense.  Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up.  Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start.  Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well.  Prediction:  4th.  Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.

Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season.  Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie.  Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good.  However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season.  Prediction:  3rd.  Howard fucks this team, eventually.

Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns!  Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida.  Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly.  Prediction:  2nd.  Annoying everyone.

Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year.  Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup.  Prediction:  1st.  Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.

Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters.  Also, remember to pay.  If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.

Power Rankings: Week 6

Hello all!  I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season.  My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.

Lets get right to it.  As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team.  Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll!  Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!

2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.

3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.

4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.

Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.

5.  Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department.  Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason.  And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do.  As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….

6.  Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body!  There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate).  My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season.  Write that down.

7.  Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories.  Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts.  Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S”  You suck Court.

8.  Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring.  Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.

9.  The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone?  When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.

10.  Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying.  I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before.  Okay, I lied.  I haven’t.

11.  Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason.  Idiot.

12.  Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off.  When your first born is in high school, but still.

13.  Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off.  GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).

14.  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it.  Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression.  Case in point:  Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton.  At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild.  Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.

Awards and The Draft Lottery

Hello all, hope your summer so far has bee….actually, I don’t care.

Lets talk about the offseason hardware general managers have taken home

Jack Adams – Another year of GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips being overwhelmingly viewed as the best GM by his peers, taking 85% of the vote.  In accepting the award, Court was stunned to find out he had peers.

Eugene Adams – From the Anze Cup champion to arguably the worst team in the league and trading away his best players, GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is a disaster, taking home 71% of the voting as the worst GM.  Keep it up, the league loves the donation

Andy Kordyban – As long as you have been to www.jessedeancook.com, the winner of this award, for the third consecutive year with 71% of the vote, needs no explanation.  Well done.

The draft lottery was completed today, and there was a stunning turn of events.  Despite having just a 5% chance of landing the first pick, the Texans were the lucky team.  The draft order, prior to adjustments from trades, is as follows each round.

Pick	Team
1	Texans
2	Me So Vyborny
3	Jesse Loves Paymon
4	Dr. Hook
5	Crosby's Concussions
6	Pistol's Hellcats
7	Not Poodle
8	Kanucks
9	Anzoolander
10	Captain Chinese
11	Bizarrohawks
12	Flowers In The Cage
13	Super Sperm
14	Everett Silvetips

‘But wait!’ you say, who was the witness?  Well folks, that is the beauty of technology.  I present to you the full draft lottery recorded in real time.  Seven minutes and twenty nine seconds of fascinating stuff (it gets super boring after sixteen seconds).

Great stuff, huh?  Trades and impact on draft picks can be seen on the trades and transactions tab of this blog (select the 2012-2013 trades tab of the Excel workbook embedded on that page, or just download it into Excel).  Hopefully people start making some trades as we get closer to the season start (32 days!).  Once Yahoo! opens up the new league registration, we will nail down a draft time.  As a reminder, all trades must go through commissioner approval.  We have had two off season trades so far as teams rebuild, here is to hoping there is a lot more.

Power Rankings: Week 14

Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog;  In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole).  This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law.  After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).

1.  Bizzarohawks (4)

2.  Not Poodle!!! (10)

3.  Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)

4.  Flower’s In the Cage (3)

5.  Anzoolander (14)

6.  Everett Silvertips (2)

7.  Kanucks (T-5)

8.  Texans (9)

9.  Super Sperm (1)

10.  Dr. Hook (13)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)

12.  Captain Chinese (12)

13.  Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)

14.  Me So Vyborny (11)

1.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea.  There is a reason why this team is bad.

2.  The team with the most points is in last.  Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.

3.  Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior.  GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.

4.  Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other.   Oddly, neither of them have noticed.  Somehow, neither of them are last.  God have mercy on us all.

5.  Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.

6.  Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs.  Expect some selling, and soon.

7.  15% of all statistics are made up.

8.  If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it.  This is first class.  Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.

9.  Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference.  Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.

10.  Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan.  Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.

11.  Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.

12.  Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena.  I love karma.

13.  The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week.  There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now.  Right this second.

14.  Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful.  Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris.  Vaginal hubris.

15.  You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong.  Instead, they looked brutal.  I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19. 

16.  Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo.  Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie.  Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.

17.  The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means.  Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.

18.  Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).

Forging elite fitness.

19.  Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?

20.  What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on?  He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup.  Fuck that Leland Irving clown.  Go Giants.

21.  Best pickup of the waivers so far this year?  Mikkel Boedker by the Texans.  Well done sir.

22.  God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies.  The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.

23.  Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid?  I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short.  We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.

24.  When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.

25.  GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout.  Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:

But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.

26.  The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.

27.  Islanders.  Playoffs.  Guaranteed.

Let’s Get it On!

Three U18 World Championships in a row and an U20 World Championship just wasn’t good enough for the ol’ U.S. of A.

We even won the World Inlines.  Imagine if the U.S. used their best athletes in hockey games, or their second best, or their third best, or their fourth best?  Canada would have to just quit and stop pretending they ever invented hockey.

Anyhoo, from the great casino that brought you beer pong on their main gambling floor, the kind Sirs at O’Shea’s Casino kindly provided opening odds on the Anze Cup Champion futures.  What better way to start off the power rankings?!?!  There are some interesting picks by these gentlemen, but they are very good at what they do, so lets take a look.

Super Sperm (8/1) – Probably the biggest group of “names” in the keeper stable and with high draft picks to boot. This will be a critical year for Rick Nash, as we will learn how valuable he really is, now being on a team with actual offense. GM Ryan Schauble is pretty good at screwing things up, but until that happens, the boys at O’Shea’s like this team to take it all.

Everett Silvertips (10/1) – Returning the youngest stable of keepers, and the only group of keepers where all players are on the first page of the Yahoo! O-rankings, with two first round and second round draft picks, this team has the potential to repeat.  Concern around the return of Ilya Kovalchuk casts a cloud over this team, but recent indications are Kovy will be back in action.  All signs indicate a strong year for all keepers, with the biggest question mark being whether or not Tuukka Rask can handle the role of the true #1 goalie.  GM Court Watson was asked to join the GMs with kids group within the league, but after hearing the non-stop whining and gay excuses they make related to their kids for poor fantasy hockey performance, he wanted none of it.  Excuses are for crossfitters losers.

Flowers in the Cage (15/1) – The Inglorious Backes and Co. return after a near miss. GM Cole Ballard has now finished runner up 17 times in this league. That has to be some sort of record. He probably would have won, had he not declined Seguin for Couture, but oh well, ya win so…wait, this team never wins, nevermind.  This team didn’t keep an NHL goalie, so Cole will have to find one in the draft or through trades.  Yes, I know Anderson is on the team, but I said NHL goalie.  Hey Cole, I think Brodeur is available.

Bizarrohawks (20/1) –  Like a ninja, this team snuck into the semifinals last year, which is fitting, because GM Scott Freeland is an actual ninja (party, if you are curious to the type of ninja).

   Party ninjas always sleep with their eyes open. Always.

This team’s keepers sound like they came from the island of misfit toys, but they all quietly produce, at least they did last year.  No first round picks will hurt this team, but like a Ninja, they should always be watched closely.

Crosby’s Concussions (30/1) – Anyone else on eggshells just talking about Crosby? All signs point to healthy, which is great for hockey, good for this team, and bad for all the other teams. A couple of interesting keepers, but a good year and this team can definitely compete. Not Steelers compete, I mean actually be good.

Kanucks (30/1) – Made a big push last year to win and fell short. It might cost them this year, with their first pick in the draft coming in the third round and 39th overall. Half the keepers are question marks, including both in net, but if they play to their ability this team will compete. Luckily, GM Dave Kitchen likes to espouse the same priorities as you would read in books like “What to Expect When You are a Gay Father who doesn’t watch or play sports” so I expect very little from this team beyond relying on sheer talent.

Pistol’s Hellcats (35/1) – Traded his best player for a goalie that just lost half of his defense. Can the Red Wings pull off their amazing magic again by finding hall of famers in the 7th round? Probably unlikely, which means last year’s trade rape will probably continue to be a disaster for this team. With the Sedins production falling off last year for the first time and Swedish players propensity to retire early, Iginla and Lundqvist being old, this team may be down to Ottawa Senators as its core nucleus by next year’s draft. Yes, you read that right. Okay, I will give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Jesse Loves Paymon (35/1) – Overrated: Ward, Thornton, Hossa. Old: Thornton, Hossa. Average: Lucic, Ward. See a trend here? GM Steve McIntyre recently decided to add a third child to his stable, which means he will have even less time to do any work on his team. He is technologically retarded, reads slow, and makes decisions even slower, which, given the time crunch, means he has no chance. Unless of course, he flukes out by drafting a team he thinks is awful and makes almost no moves, similar to what he did when he won the forever tainted* 2011 Anze Cup.

Texans (50/1) – A lot of uncertainty on this team. How will Parise do in Minnesota? Will Schneider get the bulk of the starts or time share? How the hell did Dustin Brown become a keeper? Ever? Will Eric Staal go gangbusters playing with his brother? Will Heatley finally just fall over and die on the ice from old age? All this uncertainty means the first overall pick will be huge, but the boys at O’Shea’s don’t think it will be enough.

Not Poodle!!! (60/1) – I wasn’t even sure that GM Matt Welsh even knew he had a team last year, and with the additional of this cute little miracle guy (btw, let me know if you need some clothes for him, my 4 month old is now in 12 mos + clothing), O’Shea’s sports book thinks this team doesn’t stand a chance. You will note that Andrew Ference did not agree to plant 50 trees for every goal scored by Patrice Bergeron, because that would mean almost no trees are planted. Good luck this year Fatty, and go fuck yourself.

Me So Vyborny (70/1) – A new job for GM Matt Meier where the previous person did nothing will keep him so busy he will be even more indecisive with his team. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either, and somewhere, GM Jesse Cook is throwing his hands up in exasperation. I am not wild about his keepers, nor am I really negative on them. O’Shea’s appears to be, and don’t like his chances.  We gave you a shot in the league Rudy, figure it out and prove that you earned it.

Captain Chinese (80/1) – Depending on who you talk to, either Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein declared compound interest to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.  Well, compound years of sucking at fantasy hockey is the Largest Blunder of the World.  Can someone tell me why offensive juggernaut Shea Weber wasn’t more sought after in last year’s draft?  In fairness, the keepers aren’t that bad, the boys at O’Sheas just expect Bert Fong to be Bert Fong and destroy this team somehow.

Dr. Hook (80/1) – This team needs to make a few more moves than the last 4 years combined. This team revolves around two players, and has repeatedly demonstrated that is not enough. GM Mike Gaunt is probably not aggressive enough to make any big changes, lets see if his New Year’s Resolution was to revamp his fantasy hockey team. I know it would be if I was him.

Anzoolander (90/1) – It takes GM Jesse Cook several months of wheeling and dealing to repair the damage done at the draft lead his team to first round exits, and with the shortened season, he won’t have enough time.  Anze Kopitar is looking to miss almost a quarter of the season with a knee injury, and Jamie Benn may choose to sit out until he has a contract in place.  The boys at O’Shea’s added another future to their books; 20/1 that he implodes into a hissy fit because he can’t figure out the rules of the league that haven’t been changed in years, and drops his fantasy team for Blackhawks plugs.

Yup, it is good to be back.

*Pistol’s Hellcats and Jesse Loves Paymon split the payout 50/50 between first and second, forever putting a black mark on that year.  I would expect it from a real estate agent, given the lack of ethics in that entire industry, but not from Steve.

And We Are Back. Probably Not.

In what is the first, and probably last blog post of this season, I wanted to let all of you know that the draft has been configured and the keepers have been inserted.  It is your responsibility to view your keepers and picks in the draft to ensure that any traded picks have been recorded correctly.  You can view the draft order here.

The draft will be Monday, October 1 at 7 pm.  I tried to cancel it until a season happens, but Yahoo! won’t let me, so you might as well show up to do it right.  Hell, it might be the only hockey fun we have for a while.  For the most accurate update on the lockout I have seen, this video covers just about everything.

Owners have parties in their box every game.

Bert Fong says support him in his adult hockey league, but would be like watching the CFL.  Painful.

If the lockout is super long, looks like we can reset everything and start over, so we may put that option into place. 

A couple people couldn’t make Tuesday night, and all the people with kids, who, like anyone with kids, thinks they know it all, couldn’t have more differing opinions on which time is better on Sunday (from “10 AM on a Sunday is the dumbest idea I have ever heard, trust me, you will realize this when you are a parent” to “There couldn’t be a better time than 10 AM on a Sunday”).  Once again proving the old adage that kids make you dumber.

How will the lockout impact Yahoo! Fantasy Hockey?  Why, you can read that here.

Some of you have awful keepers, so the lockout may be a blessing in disguise, or delaying a gruesome death, either or.  Either way, this lockout has me feeling like Cole Ballard does all the time, and I am not looking forward to spending the winter and spring with my only entertainment being two month old YouTube videos being sent to me by Jesse Cook because he finally left his Blackberry and got a phone that works.

Shoot me in the left nut and kick the right one at the same time.  I hate my life.

JM

An Annual Tradition: A Letter from our Champion

It is my favorite post of the year, a post from the League Champion and Anze Cup winner.  We have had some great renditions in the past.  I now present this year’s Anze Cup champion, Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips:

First, I would like to commend Cole Ballard on a tremendous season and postseason run.  He should be proud of the way he actively managed his team to the Anze Cup finals.  Cole cares about winning the Anze Cup, and it is great to have a GM like him in our league.  I am glad he finally was able to see the Everett Silvertips win anything.

When I first found out I won the Anze Cup, I was thrilled, and I didn’t know how I should celebrate.  Do I get my excitement out by planking somewhere? 

Or maybe Landeskoging? 

I felt like neither of those were the right fit.  How do I celebrate such a monumental, yet often reoccurring event?

I took a break after for a bit and did some soul searching , as I knew I wasn’t going to do something as stupid as joining a Crossfit gym and paying $200/month to workout on $110 worth of gym equipment next to topless men:

The year was a crazy year, in the sense that I wasn’t first the entire year, just most of it.  I don’t really remember what anyone else did, nor do I really care.  I was supposed to win, and I won, and all is right in the world.

Does anyone remember when I offered Tyler Seguin and my first round pick to Flowers in the Cage for Logan Couture and a third rounder at the start of the season?  I do.  It was turned down, and somewhere Cole is banging his head on his desk, but even Logan wishes things had been different:

He knows a winner when he sees one.  And he saw me.

As we head into next year, some of you may be thinking, “Court, it was so great to see you win, but oh no! now that you won you might have a late draft pick and we won’t be able to bask in your what seems like half-dozenth championship.  What are we to do?”

Well one, it would be my fifth title, but who is counting?  And B, luckily, I traded Thomas Vanek to Crosby’s Concussions at the end of last year for his first round pick this coming year.  That means I have a 24%, or second best, chance of having the first overall pick.  I know.  You can breathe easy now.

And so with that, I hope all of you have a great summer, recounting my championship and the valor with which it was won.  A break over the summer from Jesse’s fantastic instruction and guidance on how to manage a fantasy team to be eliminated in the first round will be missed during the offseason, but I am looking forward to it once again this coming fall.

As I sign off, I realize exactly how this championship should be celebrated.  Not by imitating or copying another pose, but by creating my own pose.  I call it the Watson, and I leave you with this lasting image to motivate all of you, my fans, and give you something to look forward to next season.

I thank you all, and god bless.

Court

And with that, another year is in the books.  Looking forward to another great season next year.

JM

Where the Air is Crisp

Only four teams remain as we enter the semifinals.  As a testament to how difficult it is to get here we only need to compare the four teams to last year.  Only one team from last year’s final four made the final four this year, and the other three didn’t even make the playoffs at all last year.   Congrats gentlemen on making it this far and elevating yourselves above all others, where the air is crisp.

Let us look back on the first round matchups, on which my predictions where 2-2, though just barely, and were almost 4-0

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon

Steve giving some tips to his team before the games on Sunday

I predicted an upset, and if GM Steve McIntyre wasn’t the biggest idiot on the planet, that probably would have happened.  Leaving an empty starting roster spot is inexcusable, which is totally supported by Steve’s idiotic excuse;

“I was on vacation.”

This is an idiotic excuse for multiple reasons.  First, being on vacation means you have even more time to look at this while you drink your beverage of choice each evening (with Steve, I am guessing rye and Coke Zero).  Second, Steve owns a smartphone, and a smartphone built for idiots, so he could have set his lineup on his phone.  Third, he picked up a player to put in the roster spot while on vacation, which means he did actually have time, he was just an idiot.  Jussi Jokinen tore it up on Sunday, and his numbers would have given JLP the victory.  Instead, Steve is an idiot and the clear, CLEAR, front runner for the Eugene Adams award.

Somewhere, right now, Jesse Cook is thanking his lucky stars that his drafting Jimmy Howard on accident in the first round is being replaced as the stupidest move in this league’s history.

2. Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander

Really nothing to see here, other than I was off a tad; I predicted 10-4, it was 9-4.  Kanucks are still on fire and the clear front runner.  GM Jesse Cook failed to get out of the first round yet again, making it three years in a row.  I would recommend he change his team name to Zoolechkin, as it is probably better to compare himself to a loud-mouthed show-boater who can’t clutch up in the playoffs, versus a phenom who lets his play do all the talking.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 6. Bizarrohawks

I said this match would be close and Pistol’s Hellcats would come back to win on Sunday.  They didn’t.  Shitty goaltending let Pistol’s Hellcasts down.  With 17 seconds left in the final game for players on either team, and a tie score (with Pistol’s Hellcat’s holding the second tie breaker), David Legwand scored an empty net power play goal, and Pistol Hellcat’s fantasy season came to an end similar to how Taylor Hall’s actual season did:

Buh bye.

See you next year Pistol Taylor.

4. Clarence Swampton vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage

Another one I got right, Keeper Luongo failed miserably, and so did Clarence Swampton.  Ironically, a shutout by the Flower against Philly on the last day would have eliminated Flowers in the Cage, but that didn’t happen.  The hotter team prevailed.

Let us now turn the the similar finals on the road to the Anze Cup.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 6. Bizzarohawks (Season series: 20-6 for the Everett Silvertips)

Bizzarohawks are hot, but I don’t think they are hot enough.  Everett Silvertips led the league in scoring during the quarterfinals without real contributions from two key players, Tyler Seguin and Ilya Kovalchuk, and an injury to another, Taylor Hall.  Any life from either of those three makes this team hard to beat, and the Bizzarohawks goaltending has been suspect as of late.  It was good enough to win last week against a team with awful goaltending (Re: Jimmy’s Journey), but Mike Smith will have to step it up this week.

Prediction:  Like all playoff matches, this will be close, but the Silvertips advance, winning 8-5-3

2.  Kanucks vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage (Season series: 10-3 for Flowers in the Cage)

I was going to do a write up, but then was surprised how easy it was to find a video of a lamb being slaughtered, so I just linked to that:

Lamb = Flowers in the Cage

Prediction:  Kanucks keep steamrolling into the Anze Cup finals, 10-2-4.

Good luck gentlemen.

Power Rankings: Week 18

The difference between 6th place and 11th place is seven points.  Man do I love the final few weeks and the race to make the playoffs.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (Previous: 14) – Because it is Peter’s birthday, this is my gift to you.  The curse of first place in the power rankings.  Detroit is showing Jimmy Howard is a plug and not a keeper doing awesome with Joey Mcdonald in net.

2.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Even in bad weeks this team still gets a tie.  Unfortunately on good weeks that also happens.

3.  Kanucks (3) – Team is on fire, and trade raped the shit out of Super Sperm this week, at Super Sperm’s request.

4. Flowers in the Cage (2) – Continues to move up the standings, but sits precariously on the bubble.

5. Me So Vyborny (12) – The manager comes back from the dead, and so does the team. Though maybe it was because they played Team Awful.

6. Jesse Loves Paymon (4) – Couldn’t beat a team battling injuries, a bit of a hiccup for this team’s playoff run.

7. Clarence Swampton (5) – Continues to at least threaten, at least until this week started.

8. Not Poodle (6) – Three straight wins.  All against bad teams, but still.

9. Bizzarohawks (8) – Lost last week, but I actually like the direction of this team and see them as a spoiler.

10. Captain Chinese (9) – Who the fuck is Byron Bitz and why is he on your team?

11. Texans (11) – I can’t remember the last time I looked at this team, it just baffles me they aren’t better.

12. Anzoolander (10) – Team Awful.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13) – Does www.kateuptondancing.com cheer up your fantasy blues?  It did for me, and I wasn’t even sad.

14. Super Sperm (7) – Two people liked his status when he said he was at Vancouver International Airport. That is because they were glad he is leaving.  Way to sell the farm for 11th and 13th roster spots (also known as 4th and 5th round picks next year).

New Rule Change – UPDATE

A revision to the new rookie rule will be that if you no longer have your fourth pick, you may elect to use any pick earlier than than the fourth round that you have still retained.  The pick used must be yours originally and cannot be a pick acquired from another team in a trade.  Make sense, well let me put it another go fuck yourself.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 15

If you click on the advertisement at the right of this column, the fantasy gods will shower you with role players careering it through the rest of the season.

If there was ever a season that clearly showed you are never guaranteed a playoff spot, nor do you have no shot at making it, this is it. There have been some dramatic reversals of fortune in this league and I am willing to bet the teams that are most active prior to the trade deadline will be in the hunt for the Anze Cup come the spring. Let’s take a look at the teams and how they rank this week.

1. Everett Silvertips (2) – I doubt this will last, this team caught the plague of injuries from being so close to Crosby’s Concussions all week long. Says GM Court Watson of the voodoo curse of being placed #1 in the power rankings, “oh shit….”

2. Flowers in the Cage (3) – Hoping nobody really notices, this team is creeping up into a playoff spot, and doing it by beating 3 of the top 4 teams in the league (in standings, not in power rankings). Teetering on the edge of the playoff picture with a soft schedule, this team could easily see an Anze Cup finals appearance if they get hot. Annnnnnddddd there is the jinx.

3. Kanucks (4) – Players slowly coming back off IR has benefited this team that is poised to make a run down the stretch. Only thing between this team and certain victory is their GM.

Sidenote: ask his father-in-law about Dave’s fantasy hockey skills; you will learn where Steve gets his silent laugh from.

4. Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – And just like that, this team is in the current playoff picture. The benefactor of playing teams decimated by injuries to be sure, but the performances were still marginally strong, and strong enough to move from last to in the hunt.

5. Clarence Swampton (9) – The hottest team in the league…be afraid.

6. Not Poodle (13.b) – I don’t really care what I rank the teams between 6 and 13, they are all equally close to as bad as 14.

7. Super Sperm (13.a) – Blames his team on his kids..what a loser.

8. Bizzarohawks (8) – Back to losing. To the last place team (cue the sound they play when you lose in the Price is Right, and the crowd groaning).

9. Captain Chinese (6) – You suck Bert. Your team sucks. You also suck. How did those moves last week work out for you?

10. Anzoolander (Previous: 1) – Decimated by injuries, and not nice ones. The curse of #1 in the power rankings is still going strong.

11. Texans (10) – I can’t remember the last time I looked at this team, it just baffles me they aren’t better.

12. Me So Vyborny (5) – Wheels are not flying off for this team, they are exploding, just like those tires that used to be on Ford Trucks. Has lost 7 of the last 8 weeks including the past 6 straight. Here is a tip to GM Matt Meier: if you want to passively manage something, get a retirement fund.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13.c) – Does a picture better define a team in this league than this one?

14. Pistol Hellcats (14) – Hahahaha, look at this roster; a bunch of sell highs that have cooled off (Smyth, Weiss, Michalek) and a bunch of sell highs now before they suck balls again return to historic means (Gustavsson, Bertuzzi, Williams, Bolland, Cole). Of course GM Pete Shpak sold Daniel Sedin when he was high for low, which made everyone laugh. Meanwhile, Peter Mueller is like a golfer with a new driver and everything is sweet; until his brain turns to Jell-O again from a faint breeze hitting him.

New Rule Change

With a vote of 8-5 for, the rookie rule has passed and will be effective for the upcoming (2012-13) season. Keep this in mind; if you trade away your fourth pick, you don’t get to keep a rookie. If you have two fourth picks, you only get to keep one rookie. Also, you don’t have to keep a rookie if you don’t want to.

JM

Smack Talk. Drunk.

Periodically we are fortunate enough to have a league general manager dabble a little too much in the moon shine and give his thoughts on the current status of the league. 
Last night happened to be one of these nights, and I thought  quick break down of GM Jesse Cook’s drunken chirping was in order.  No grammar or spelling has been corrected (as you will clearly see).

1.  On his own matchup: “Fuck me losing to Fatty is like like losing to Steve at The Wild Coyote----Im terrible i should kill myself.”

As any teenager from Richmond in the late 90s would know, the Wild Coyote was a lower tier “nightclub” on the south border of Vancouver that was full of slutty, easy girls.  You could literally be dead, and still take a girl home from that place.  Steve never did, because standing in the corner talking to no one is apparently not the best strategy for getting laid, just the best strategy for having some alone time later to pound the meat whistle.

2.  On the Everett Silvertip vs. Texans matchup: “2 gamers dont make a right.” 

On the surface, this refers to the fact that both Silvertips’ GM Court Watson and Texans’ GM Chris Thomas own an Xbox 360 and entertain themselves playing it while they wait for their wives to get ready for outings.  A psychiatrist would say this is Jesse hiding the inadequacies he feels in dealing in the modern era of technology, as newer devices don’t lend themselves to the hands, and brain, of a semi-retarded gorilla.

While we are on this subject, can someone tell me why some guys complain when their significant other takes forever to get ready?  Are you an idiot?  Do you actually want to go to wherever you are supposed to be?  99% of the time it isn’t front row seats to a sporting event, it is probably to either 1) hang out with her friends, 2) hang out with other couples, which is also boring or 3) go to something super stupid, like the Juno awards or a Michael Buble concert.  I always encourage my wife to take as much time as she needs and try on as many outfits as possible, because, yes, those jeans do make your ass look huge.

3.  On the Flowers in the Cage vs. Jesse Loves Paymon matchup: “You both are terrible at Fantasy--just awful.” 

This one is actually on point, pretty lucid based on how drunk Cook seems.

4.  On the Pistol Hellcat’s vs. Crosby’s Concussions matchup: “What is the negro grimacing at? Grimace?” 

This refers to Crosby’s Concussions team picture.  I would like the think the negro is grimacing as a result of brain freeze from eating chilled watermelon.  If you think that is racist, you should see Santa:

Merry Fucking Christmas. Except you, Miguel.

5.  On Super Sperm vs. Me So Vyborny matchup:  “Boy Schwabbs ur twins have taken the shit out of our anus an dturned you into the worst fuck ever.” 

I am honestly at a loss here.  I think it has something to do with Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble having kids and not having enough time to pound the shit out of Jesse’s anus, which is most likely what Jesse was getting at.

6.  On Captain Chinese versus Bizzarohawks matchup: “bad bad bad bad.”

(nodding head in agreement)

7.  On Clarence Swampton vs. Kanucks matchup: “2 losers don’t make it a win.” 

They do if it is these two, at least for the rest of us:

Yay for losers.

I imagine Cook’s wife was both angry and impressed when she woke up to find Jesse looking like this (the Gorilla exhibited adaptive thinking!):

I strongly encourage all of you to get drunk more often and share your thoughts on the league openly.