Let’s Get it On!

Three U18 World Championships in a row and an U20 World Championship just wasn’t good enough for the ol’ U.S. of A.

We even won the World Inlines.  Imagine if the U.S. used their best athletes in hockey games, or their second best, or their third best, or their fourth best?  Canada would have to just quit and stop pretending they ever invented hockey.

Anyhoo, from the great casino that brought you beer pong on their main gambling floor, the kind Sirs at O’Shea’s Casino kindly provided opening odds on the Anze Cup Champion futures.  What better way to start off the power rankings?!?!  There are some interesting picks by these gentlemen, but they are very good at what they do, so lets take a look.

Super Sperm (8/1) – Probably the biggest group of “names” in the keeper stable and with high draft picks to boot. This will be a critical year for Rick Nash, as we will learn how valuable he really is, now being on a team with actual offense. GM Ryan Schauble is pretty good at screwing things up, but until that happens, the boys at O’Shea’s like this team to take it all.

Everett Silvertips (10/1) – Returning the youngest stable of keepers, and the only group of keepers where all players are on the first page of the Yahoo! O-rankings, with two first round and second round draft picks, this team has the potential to repeat.  Concern around the return of Ilya Kovalchuk casts a cloud over this team, but recent indications are Kovy will be back in action.  All signs indicate a strong year for all keepers, with the biggest question mark being whether or not Tuukka Rask can handle the role of the true #1 goalie.  GM Court Watson was asked to join the GMs with kids group within the league, but after hearing the non-stop whining and gay excuses they make related to their kids for poor fantasy hockey performance, he wanted none of it.  Excuses are for crossfitters losers.

Flowers in the Cage (15/1) – The Inglorious Backes and Co. return after a near miss. GM Cole Ballard has now finished runner up 17 times in this league. That has to be some sort of record. He probably would have won, had he not declined Seguin for Couture, but oh well, ya win so…wait, this team never wins, nevermind.  This team didn’t keep an NHL goalie, so Cole will have to find one in the draft or through trades.  Yes, I know Anderson is on the team, but I said NHL goalie.  Hey Cole, I think Brodeur is available.

Bizarrohawks (20/1) –  Like a ninja, this team snuck into the semifinals last year, which is fitting, because GM Scott Freeland is an actual ninja (party, if you are curious to the type of ninja).

   Party ninjas always sleep with their eyes open. Always.

This team’s keepers sound like they came from the island of misfit toys, but they all quietly produce, at least they did last year.  No first round picks will hurt this team, but like a Ninja, they should always be watched closely.

Crosby’s Concussions (30/1) – Anyone else on eggshells just talking about Crosby? All signs point to healthy, which is great for hockey, good for this team, and bad for all the other teams. A couple of interesting keepers, but a good year and this team can definitely compete. Not Steelers compete, I mean actually be good.

Kanucks (30/1) – Made a big push last year to win and fell short. It might cost them this year, with their first pick in the draft coming in the third round and 39th overall. Half the keepers are question marks, including both in net, but if they play to their ability this team will compete. Luckily, GM Dave Kitchen likes to espouse the same priorities as you would read in books like “What to Expect When You are a Gay Father who doesn’t watch or play sports” so I expect very little from this team beyond relying on sheer talent.

Pistol’s Hellcats (35/1) – Traded his best player for a goalie that just lost half of his defense. Can the Red Wings pull off their amazing magic again by finding hall of famers in the 7th round? Probably unlikely, which means last year’s trade rape will probably continue to be a disaster for this team. With the Sedins production falling off last year for the first time and Swedish players propensity to retire early, Iginla and Lundqvist being old, this team may be down to Ottawa Senators as its core nucleus by next year’s draft. Yes, you read that right. Okay, I will give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Jesse Loves Paymon (35/1) – Overrated: Ward, Thornton, Hossa. Old: Thornton, Hossa. Average: Lucic, Ward. See a trend here? GM Steve McIntyre recently decided to add a third child to his stable, which means he will have even less time to do any work on his team. He is technologically retarded, reads slow, and makes decisions even slower, which, given the time crunch, means he has no chance. Unless of course, he flukes out by drafting a team he thinks is awful and makes almost no moves, similar to what he did when he won the forever tainted* 2011 Anze Cup.

Texans (50/1) – A lot of uncertainty on this team. How will Parise do in Minnesota? Will Schneider get the bulk of the starts or time share? How the hell did Dustin Brown become a keeper? Ever? Will Eric Staal go gangbusters playing with his brother? Will Heatley finally just fall over and die on the ice from old age? All this uncertainty means the first overall pick will be huge, but the boys at O’Shea’s don’t think it will be enough.

Not Poodle!!! (60/1) – I wasn’t even sure that GM Matt Welsh even knew he had a team last year, and with the additional of this cute little miracle guy (btw, let me know if you need some clothes for him, my 4 month old is now in 12 mos + clothing), O’Shea’s sports book thinks this team doesn’t stand a chance. You will note that Andrew Ference did not agree to plant 50 trees for every goal scored by Patrice Bergeron, because that would mean almost no trees are planted. Good luck this year Fatty, and go fuck yourself.

Me So Vyborny (70/1) – A new job for GM Matt Meier where the previous person did nothing will keep him so busy he will be even more indecisive with his team. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either, and somewhere, GM Jesse Cook is throwing his hands up in exasperation. I am not wild about his keepers, nor am I really negative on them. O’Shea’s appears to be, and don’t like his chances.  We gave you a shot in the league Rudy, figure it out and prove that you earned it.

Captain Chinese (80/1) – Depending on who you talk to, either Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein declared compound interest to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.  Well, compound years of sucking at fantasy hockey is the Largest Blunder of the World.  Can someone tell me why offensive juggernaut Shea Weber wasn’t more sought after in last year’s draft?  In fairness, the keepers aren’t that bad, the boys at O’Sheas just expect Bert Fong to be Bert Fong and destroy this team somehow.

Dr. Hook (80/1) – This team needs to make a few more moves than the last 4 years combined. This team revolves around two players, and has repeatedly demonstrated that is not enough. GM Mike Gaunt is probably not aggressive enough to make any big changes, lets see if his New Year’s Resolution was to revamp his fantasy hockey team. I know it would be if I was him.

Anzoolander (90/1) – It takes GM Jesse Cook several months of wheeling and dealing to repair the damage done at the draft lead his team to first round exits, and with the shortened season, he won’t have enough time.  Anze Kopitar is looking to miss almost a quarter of the season with a knee injury, and Jamie Benn may choose to sit out until he has a contract in place.  The boys at O’Shea’s added another future to their books; 20/1 that he implodes into a hissy fit because he can’t figure out the rules of the league that haven’t been changed in years, and drops his fantasy team for Blackhawks plugs.

Yup, it is good to be back.

*Pistol’s Hellcats and Jesse Loves Paymon split the payout 50/50 between first and second, forever putting a black mark on that year.  I would expect it from a real estate agent, given the lack of ethics in that entire industry, but not from Steve.