We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner. You suck. Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video). Actually, maybe your team is worse.
1. Kanucks (2)
2. Super Sperm (3)
3. Bizzarohawks (1)
4. Captain Chinese (8)
5. Anzoolander (7)
6. Everett Silvertips (4)
7. Not Poodle!!! (10)
8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)
9. Texans (9)
10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)
11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)
12. Dr. Hook (12)
13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)
14. Me So Vyborny (14)
Some thoughts:
1. Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week. The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins. I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.
2. Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.
3. Like redhead muff stank.
4. Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season. Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?
5. GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:
6. Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:
7. Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey. Bad. Bad. Bad.
8. This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy. GM Court Watson is not happy about this. Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.
9. Except the Everett Silvertips last year. Court is feeling a bit better now.
10. Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.
11. Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson
12. The lowest seed to ever win? The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.
13. True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey. In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove. That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old. Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001. The person on that ID? Phineas Page. Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with? Phineas Page. Coincidence? Yes. Fantasy Hockey implications? Absolutely.
14. If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun. WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league? Watch baseball? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
15. If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.
16. After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.
17. Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP. Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.
18. Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.
19. For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.
20. Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.
21. Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page. Halak and Elliot are both terrible. Madness.
22. With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup. I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right. We are in for a perfect storm.
23. Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup. Unfucking berievabre.
24. A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years. I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects. I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome. Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.
25. There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.
26. Like last year, it probably won’t. The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.
27. Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists. He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters. The team is imploding at the wrong time. Craig Anderson really needs to come back.
28. I still believe Cole, I still believe.
29. The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.
30. Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.
No comments:
Post a Comment