Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better. With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:
I've got alotta problems with you people....
Let's begin this week by talking about rapists: Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon. Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.
1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)
Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist. Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life. One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it. Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing. Make ‘Merca great again. Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong. If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.
Solid team & he has Connor. I hate him. Mess hates him. Everyone hates Luke.
2. Anzoomander (11)
On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV. Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993. It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management. Business is fucked, & so are we. Mike Green for the win.
3. Super Perm (7)
The perm is strong with this one. Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around. But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012. If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.
Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?
4. Me So Vyborny (4)
Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong. Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings. A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core.
My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.
5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)
If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you. This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender. This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.
6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)
Pete was actually going to be 8th but sent me 5 deals this week. I love Pete. Pete is the greatest.
7. Texans (9)
In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend. Here is a pic:
8. Lokomotiv (6)
All aboard the Cole Train. Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.
9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)
Kane & She Was Abel? More like, lead this GM out behind the stable. Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders. The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers. The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf. Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.
10. Hatrick Swayze (5)
How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly? To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick. I strongly encourage you to do the same. There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page. The greatest:
I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read. We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another. Stay in school kids. Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance. You’ll all be fine.
11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)
I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese. They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork…
These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster. He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school. Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall… his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.
12. Silvertits (13)
Court is one goaltender away from being a contender. Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind. Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask. For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.
13. Kanucks (12)
Brian Elliot. I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor.
14. McSaviors (10)
Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy. Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed. Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion. Just fucking kill me already.
This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it. That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake. But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about. Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand. I am just fucking brutal.
Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.
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