Power Rankings: Week 2

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better.  With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists:  Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon.  Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist.  Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life.  One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it.  Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing.  Make ‘Merca great again.  Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong.  If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor.  I hate him.  Mess hates him.  Everyone hates Luke.  

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV.  Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993.  It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management.  Business is fucked, & so are we.  Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one.  Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around.  But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012.  If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong.  Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings.  A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core. 

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you.  This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender.  This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week.  I love Pete.  Pete is the greatest. 

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend.  Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train.  Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel?  More like, lead this GM out behind the stable.  Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders.  The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers.  The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf.  Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly?  To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page.  The greatest:

 

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read.  We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another.  Stay in school kids.  Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance.  You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese.  They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they?  You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster.  He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school.  Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall…  his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender.  Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind.  Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask.  For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13.  Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot.  I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor. 

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy.  Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed.  Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion.  Just fucking kill me already. 

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it.  That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake.  But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about.  Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand.  I am just fucking brutal.   

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Champion’s Message

Another year is in the books, and for the second time in league history, we have a back-to-back champion.  Well done to Anzoolader on this impressive feat, and well done to Philsopher King’s for getting worse.

Without further adieu, I present the final message of the season from Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook, the Anze Cup Champion:

What is better than one Cup? Two Cups obv.

Three Ane Cup Finals in a row and back-to-back Anze Cup Championships has solidified Anzoolander as one of the elite Fantasy Hockey GM's of all-time.

Who would of thought with no picks until the 4th round and Carey Price on the IR the entire season that there was even a chance to make the playoffs, let alone win? Well, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook did because his team is full of winners, including NHL All-Star Game MVP John Scott.

The core of Kopitar, Benn, Toews, Stamkos and Price will remain intact, however, it was the emergence of young superstars in Kuznetsov, Gallagher, Gibson and Panarin that paved the way for yet another Anze Cup.

There were some fantastic first round match-ups this year with most going down to the wire. If Hatrick Swayze GM Todd Toohill wasn't a retard and had kept Kris "with a mothafucking K" Letang instead of David "I'm old and terrible at hockey" Backes he might have upset the great Anzoolander. But he didn't.  And got smoked.

The semi finals were also close where Luke "I spend all day thinking about fantasy hockey and not working" Mackinnon lost to his boss, Chris "I have 20 of the first 22 picks and still almost missed the playoffs" Thomas. You gotta let your boss win, especially when he has 489 guns because he's aTexan.

Loko ran out of steam as the powerhouse that is Anzoolander flexed its muscle when needed and rolled into the finals the heavy favorite in the brother-in-law finals. Loko does have a very very very good shot at winning the Stanley Cup bet this year though....that team is stacked and I heart John Carlson.

Stamkos decided to make things interesting by intentionally having a blood clot to even the playing field in the finals. So, the newly picked up Silfverberg needed to remain hot and The Bread Man needed to keep up an insane pace. The match started off with a big Tuesday for Anzoolander, however the Texans were still close throughout the week until Anzoolander decided to lay the smack down on Saturday night with a monster evening which secured most categories. Still, Ghost Bear made it really interesting with a PPG to start the night off on Sunday but it was too little too late....goodnight Irene.

If you didn't make the playoffs you aren't worth mentioning as you are literally terrible human beings.

Some quick thoughts on the Top 8:

- Jesse Loves Paymon - you should spend less time on all fours taking it from Paymon and more time finding one goalie that isn't terrible.

- Kane and She was Abel...Hellcats!

- Philoph....terrible fucking name

- Hatrick Swayze...no clue what he is doing...its as if Stevie Wonder is running this team

- Lokomotiv....Carlson for your next 10 first rounders. Book it.

- Hellcats - The King is dead and your keepers are marginal at best.

- Texans - your team is the best of the losers.

Finally, thank you to Stupid Court for running such a fabulous league and pretending you spend zero time watching games when we all know you are full of shit. Also, thanks for making hilarious trades for marginal keepers such as Claude Giroux who you feel is better suited somewhere else and in his place, some guy I don't even know but hear he plays D for the Avs. Nice job. You suck. Burn.

The Anze Cup will remain in the hands of Anzoolander once again and located on a shelf much too high for Pete to reach even if he wanted to try and steal it.

Have a good summer lads, see you next season, and....Hellcats!

For those who don’t check Whatsapp and use an random email for yahoo, the draft order for the 2016-17 season is as follows:

 

1.	Me So Vyborny
2.	Kanucks
3.	Connor McSaviors
4.	ChingChong BingBongs
5.	Everett Silvertips
6.	Super Sperm
7.	Pistol's Hellcats
8.	Jesse Loves Paymon
9.	Hatrick Swayze
10.	Philosopher King
11.	Kane & she was Abel
12.	Lokomotiv 2138
13.	Texans
14.	Anzoolander

Order was set using Draftlotto.com and the probabilities specified in the league charter.   You can view results here.

Also, be on the lookout for voting on league awards this season, but in the mean time, please take the time to vote on the following league items that could impact the upcoming season and next year’s draft lottery”

• Revisiting the four starting d-men roster change; after a couple of years, a vote on whether we want to keep it long term
• Changing the draft for teams that finished 3-8 from a mini lottery to a fixed order based on finish, not considering consolation round, and a tie breaker for team eliminated in the same round being the overall regular season records
• Replacing PIMs with hits, as PIMs are really punitive to a team and shouldn’t count as an offensive category.

We need at least 11 GMs to vote on each issue, with a simple majority winning.  In the event of a tie, no change occurs.  I made both of those rules up right now, Schauble.

Changes would be effective this up coming season and the 2017-18 season draft lottery.

Thank you all for your spirited participation.

JM

Technorati Tags: Road to Anze Cup,Champion's Message. Jesse Rules League Vote

Power Rankings - Week 14

It is now 2016....hip hip whore-your're gay (Steve). It is only fitting that the 2015 Anze Cup Champion (Anzoolander) along with the only person who he has zero comebacks against (Texans) will write the first co-Power Rankings after the Holiday Season. With only a couple months before playoffs, we will look to review and predict with 100% accuracy the recent transactions that have took place as well as point and laugh at Court for being so absolutely terrible at Fantasy Hockey.

Finally, a shout out to my other brother (who the fuck is Anze Kopitar) for a solid 10 year, 80 million dollar contract. God is he good looking. Like an Adonis.

1) Anzoolander (1) -

Ranked no.1 is the tired new dad AnzePoooolander. Fortunately for this GM, every team he plays, the opposing goalies coward to his highly talented offence. His goalie stats are atrocious being bottom 6 in 4 of 5 statistical categories. Counteracting this goalie debacle is an offensive juggernaut that is top 4 in 7 of 11 offensive categories. Look out when Price returns as this team could look to repeat as the Anze Cup Champion. He will likely screw it up this year having to focus more of his time on his daughters pooh than hockey!

2) Texans (2) -

This team is overall one of the strongest top to bottom rosters of any in GPY, which is sad as this GM still has no clue what hockey is even though he lives in Canada. Everyone knows the Canucks lost a legit stud in Schneider, but Double D is proving to be a solid #2 tender for this squad. Johnny Hockey is the real deal, but he is so small he'll probably die soon so that won't be good. It is good to see the Texans decided to bench Kris with at K "Keeper Obv" Letang this week and that is already paying dividends with 2 apples on Monday. These terrible moves will make it next to impossible for this group of non-stars who collectively aren't a bad squad to make it to the top and claim the greatest trophy in sports. However, with yet another win against a big time opponent last week (Don't you know I'm Loko) this team could surprise everyone (including the GM) come playoff time. But probably not.

3) Lokomotiv 2138 (3) -

This team is older than Paymon's ball sack. If they don't die from old age or break their hips before the playoffs then this team can be pretty good. Not Great, see last weeks shit kicking by the second ranked team. The massive trade in the off season giving up Connor McDavid is paying huge in the short term. Time will tell how that pays off. Looking good so far.

4) Philosopher Kings (4) -

This is a very generous ranking after a terrible win against a bottom feeder last week. The Kings goalies are solid but 18 points is simply an offensive offense. 5 goals in 81 shots is on par with the % of chicks its GM picks up at a Las Vegas Night Club. This is not good considering every single female in Las Vegas is there to bang. All of them. God I love Vegas. While Connor McPussy will be back sometime soon, it might not add enough offense to take this team to the promised land. However, rest assured this GM will be looking to wheel and deal to make this squad better and in our opinion is ranked #1 in this category.

5) Kane and She was Abel (6) -

This team baffles me as to how he is ranked so high, then I scroll down the list of bad players and see Patrick Kane. He is worth at least 3 normal players on his own. His lackluster team can make up the rest of the point differential by being mediocre. In saying that, this team only has 4 players over 30 points this season and one is 20 cent Kane. With only 1 starter in net, this team is sure to fall.

6) Hatrick Swayze (5) -

Beating up on terrible teams in recent weeks has Hatrick Swayze's GM Todd Toothill overly confident for all the wrong reasons. This squad is one goalie deep, and unless Crosby has 10pts a week this lackluster squad has all the makings of a first round exit if they make the playoffs. This GM sees his team like a Victoria Secret Model when in fact it looks more like a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey like the ones he used to take down in the bathroom at Bimini's. To his defense these bangs were all consensual as the women were all sober thanks to round after round of milk & grenadine shots. Brilliant move, golf clap. I digress....this team is in shambles, just like Chubbs Peterson's hand, and his favorite Giants player Jason Pierre-Paul.

7) Jesse Loves Paymon (8) -

This team has given up on this season and may still make the playoffs. That says a ton about the teams ranked below this team. This GM's only hope of winning the Anze Cup again is to have more kids. Every time he has a kid, he pays less attention to his team thus making his team infinitely better. Way to be a great dad. I commend you for that. Go Portugal!

8) Super Sperm (10) -

The fact that this team isn't ranked 15th after losing to the lowly ChingChong BingBong's might have everyone scratching their heads, however, with Ovi this team can still squeak into the playoffs. It really is a one man show as both goalies are terrible, C's are awful, LW's and dreadful, D is embarrassing and don't get me started about the bench. It would be prudent for Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble to get off his ass, stop watching re-runs of Blind Date and make a move or two. A good start would be Michael Stone to Everett Silvertips for Tyler Seguin as this will somehow make mathematical sense to Court Watson...lol...what a terrible fucking fantasy GM!!!

9) Me So Vyborny (9) -

This team is bottom 6 in 8 of 11 statistical categories for his offence and bottom 3 in 3 of 5 goalie stats. Just Terrible. The recent trade will help a bit but not enough to make the playoffs. Better make some more trades. 10 should do the trick.

10) ChingChong BingBongs (13) -

This is a huge jump for ChingChong BingBong's GM Bert Fong after a solid thrashing of Super Sperm last week. This ranking is also due to the terrible display of GM'ing by Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson after the (horrible) trade heard around the world. I asked Bert Fong if he had any insight on this trade and he replied "I spoke to Me So Vyborny GM Matt 'Daniel' and he said he accidentally sent Court the trade with just Barrie and a pick but forgot to add Phil Kessel. He knew Court would auto-delete the deal and would simply re-send, but to his amazement Court accepted the deal which was fucking hilarious and Matt celebrated with hookers and blow all weekend!" Moving along, Bert's worst enemy is himself and this was once again on display by trading away a 4th pick and some bum for Colton Parayko (who???) who is awful and only has marginal points due to early injuries on the STL blue-line. Ruckiry for Bert, Hornqvist and Lack are lighting it the fuck up this season which makes the Eichel trade for him that much sweeter. Just kidding. You suck Bert.

11) Everett Silvertips (7)

No words.

12) Kanucks (12) -

When you have Brian "The Wall" Elliott you are a really really really bad franchise. Unless you play Anzoolander in which case he plays outside his mind which is a foreshadow to this weeks matchup where the Kanucks will somehow win. All the while Kanucks GM will not be spending time watching the match, rather, watching people who aren't good at sports wear hilarious clothes running around like Orangutang's. Business is good though, and for that I give GM Dave Kitchen much respect. His team on the other hand I have no respect for...an utter embarrassment to such a rich and historic league. Get your shit together.

13) Connor McSaviors (11) -

I am trying to find a positive about this team. 10 beers in and got it, this team has a couple of young decent players. That's it. Better luck next year. I raise another beer in your epic failure!

14) Pistol's Hellcats (14) -

It was funny at first to have Pistol's Hellcats GM Pete Shpak ranked #14 due to the fact his team picture did not represent his team name. In a very short time his team has tanked so far that it now deserves the cellar dweller blow job tag, especially after tying the Kanucks last week with 14 total points. Yes, Holtby should and will win the Vezina. Yes, Lundqvist is uncomfortably good looking. But no, these are not enough to carry such a bad team that not only Justin Williams IS on your team, but is carrying your offense. If you see a child throwing a tantrum at the Main and Terminal McDonald's this week, it is probably an under 6 foot Pistol Pete losing it in the bouncy castle as he tries to figure out how to right this sinking ship.

The End