Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog; In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole). This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law. After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).
1. Bizzarohawks (4)
2. Not Poodle!!! (10)
3. Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)
4. Flower’s In the Cage (3)
5. Anzoolander (14)
6. Everett Silvertips (2)
7. Kanucks (T-5)
8. Texans (9)
9. Super Sperm (1)
10. Dr. Hook (13)
11. Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)
12. Captain Chinese (12)
13. Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)
14. Me So Vyborny (11)
1. GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea. There is a reason why this team is bad.
2. The team with the most points is in last. Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.
3. Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior. GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.
4. Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other. Oddly, neither of them have noticed. Somehow, neither of them are last. God have mercy on us all.
5. Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.
6. Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs. Expect some selling, and soon.
7. 15% of all statistics are made up.
8. If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it. This is first class. Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.
9. Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference. Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.
10. Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan. Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.
11. Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.
12. Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena. I love karma.
13. The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week. There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now. Right this second.
14. Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful. Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris. Vaginal hubris.
15. You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong. Instead, they looked brutal. I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19.
16. Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo. Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie. Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.
17. The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means. Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.
18. Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).
19. Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?
20. What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on? He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup. Fuck that Leland Irving clown. Go Giants.
21. Best pickup of the waivers so far this year? Mikkel Boedker by the Texans. Well done sir.
22. God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies. The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.
23. Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid? I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short. We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.
24. When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.
25. GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout. Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:
But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.
26. The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.
27. Islanders. Playoffs. Guaranteed.
Jeff Harvey is the next Patrick Roy and is the key to my championship run.
ReplyDelete100% of all people in first class are assholes 98% of the time.
I usually drop a little nugget off on my way through first class for everyone to enjoy on my way back to row 32.
Coach rules!