Power Rankings: Week 16

I have never watched or attended an awards show that I wasn’t either a lock to win or a heavy favorite to win one of the biggest awards.  The last time that happened I was seven and the awards show was held at PJ’s All Star café.  That our society as a whole wastes so much time watching Hollywood celebrities, who are the modern day version of the monkeys on the street with the cymbals in hand, is just depressing. 

1.  Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Flower’s In the Cage (4)

3. Kanucks (7)

4. Everett Silvertips (6)

5. Anzoolander (5)

6.  Crosby’s Concussions (3)

7. Captain Chinese (12)

8.  Texans (8)

9.  Super Sperm (9)

10. Not Poodle!!! (2)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (10)

13.  Me So Vyborny (14)

14. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Loves Paymon might be the worst fantasy hockey team I have ever seen.

2.  They are building quite a stable of defensemen, making sure some are filing active roster spots while on IR, because, you know, that is what great teams usually do.

3.  Since the draft of the 2009-10 season, when GM Steve McIntyre wished he could redraft (and then subsequently won that year’s Anze Cup), Jesse Loves Paymon has made a total of 21 moves and rapidly descended into shit.  Meanwhile, the Everett Silvertips have made 95 and appear to be a dynasty in the making.  This further shows that GM Steve McIntyre knows almost nothing about fantasy hockey beyond perfunctory actions and his Anze Cup title was a fluke.

4.  Jesse Loves Paymon is entertaining all offers.  I have a feeling, given how little this team has to offer, blow jibbers from the GM are on the table as well.  On Mondays, GM Steve McIntyre gives them for free.

5.  Today is Monday.

6.  Speaking of few moves and an awful team, go fuck yourself Fatty.

7.  It killed me to put Captain Chinese at 7.  That means 7 of you are currently worse than a team run by a moron.  Shape up.

8.  I just know this year Captain Chinese will somehow win, and I will spend the offseason figuring out what the hell else could go wrong with this world.

9.  After trying out one Nashville Predators former backup, GM Cole Ballard traded for another one in Anders Lindback.  Keep throwing your line into the pond, eventually you will catch something better than a old gumboot.

10.  Have you ever seen Cole Ballard do an imitation of WDarrell Hammond imitating Sean Connery?  It is delightful.

11.  As NHL teams start rounding into form, so do the better teams in this league.  I imagine the playoff picture should be pretty set within the next couple of weeks.

12.  GM Court Watson is going to miss the Anze Cup.  That is, if he isn’t able to take it home for a second straight year.

13.  The Anze Cup has been well used this year.  So much in fact that it is rumored if you just fill it with water and let it sit over night, you will get drunk of that water the next day.

14.  Putting the Anze Cup is the dishwasher is a offense worthy of execution, for future reference.

15.  I am kinda excited to see GM Scott Freeland lead the Bizzarohawks to an Anze Cup; he puts in a good effort despite being all alone in hell Cleveland, with some critical spreadsheets rationalizing his moves, and I like to see that type of effort rewarded. 

16.  Plus, Scott has jam.

17.  Cory Conacher and Vladimir Tarasenko have slowed rapidly and are on two fantasy teams that suck with GMs that think they know what they are doing.  They don’t, and this is the perfect example why.

18.  Dr. Hook:  please read this and do something.  Anything.

19.  Sometimes it is fun to go back and look at old message boards and blog posts.  This week,  noticed that in 2010, Jesse Cook offered Dave Kitchen a 16th round in three years for Craig Anderson.  Man, how far Mr. Anderson has come.

20.  Then I look at the trades between Jesse and Bert Fong last year, and realize some of us have gotten dumber.

21.  The guy beside me on the plane just ordered a double vodka coke as his complimentary beverage.  Vodka is made from potatoes.  Potatoes are vegetables.  Vegetables are good for you.  You’re welcome.

22.  No seriously, it is 6:30 AM.  Hats off to this guy.

23.  Travel points are never worth the travel required to earn them.

24.  Unless they are convertible to lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino.

25.  Someone actually picked up the Khabibulin Wall.  I thought this league was better.

26.  I always weep a little inside when the real Wall, Brian Elliot, isn’t playing up to snuff.

27.  If you are asking how he got the nickname, he had 3 shutouts in one week for the Texans when playing Anzoolander a few years back.  Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook lost his shit and dropped his entire team for Blackhawks plugs, and proclaimed Brian Elliot as the greatest goaltender that ever lived.

28.  The Islanders are probably the best team in the East.  Brad Boyes is this year’s P.A. Parenteau; marginally above average, racking up points beside Jon Tavares, the best player in the league presently.

29.  Imagine if your oldest keeper was 22 and the best player in the league?  You would be sitting pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

30.  Finally, let the Jonathan Drouin sweepstakes begin!

Power Rankings: Week 14

Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog;  In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole).  This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law.  After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).

1.  Bizzarohawks (4)

2.  Not Poodle!!! (10)

3.  Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)

4.  Flower’s In the Cage (3)

5.  Anzoolander (14)

6.  Everett Silvertips (2)

7.  Kanucks (T-5)

8.  Texans (9)

9.  Super Sperm (1)

10.  Dr. Hook (13)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)

12.  Captain Chinese (12)

13.  Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)

14.  Me So Vyborny (11)

1.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea.  There is a reason why this team is bad.

2.  The team with the most points is in last.  Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.

3.  Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior.  GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.

4.  Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other.   Oddly, neither of them have noticed.  Somehow, neither of them are last.  God have mercy on us all.

5.  Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.

6.  Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs.  Expect some selling, and soon.

7.  15% of all statistics are made up.

8.  If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it.  This is first class.  Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.

9.  Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference.  Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.

10.  Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan.  Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.

11.  Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.

12.  Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena.  I love karma.

13.  The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week.  There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now.  Right this second.

14.  Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful.  Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris.  Vaginal hubris.

15.  You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong.  Instead, they looked brutal.  I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19. 

16.  Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo.  Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie.  Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.

17.  The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means.  Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.

18.  Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).

Forging elite fitness.

19.  Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?

20.  What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on?  He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup.  Fuck that Leland Irving clown.  Go Giants.

21.  Best pickup of the waivers so far this year?  Mikkel Boedker by the Texans.  Well done sir.

22.  God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies.  The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.

23.  Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid?  I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short.  We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.

24.  When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.

25.  GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout.  Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:

But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.

26.  The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.

27.  Islanders.  Playoffs.  Guaranteed.