The Draft

And the number one pick is…Loui Eriksson!

In the spirit of the season, with kids and teachers headed back to school, lets look at how the teams did in the draft and grade them accordingly. By the way, is there anything more annoying than facebook status updates from teachers complaining about having to go back to work after the summer off? The people with merit-based real jobs don’t want to hear that shit.

1. Texans (Previous: 4) – Really like where this team is headed. Lots of depth with plenty of players that are eligible at multiple positions, and a good chunk of talent. If this team stays healthy, it could be a title run. I can’t wait for GM Chris Thomas to rub the Anze Cup in brother-in-law and Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook’s face. Draft Grade: A

2. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) – A smart draft, not an exciting one and got some gems, some of them way later than I expected, especially Seabrook. Took a flyer on Jonas Hiller that I think will pay off. Wouldn’t be surprised if this team returned to the Anze Cup Finals. Draft Grade: B+

3. Anzoolander (5) – Very solid draft from Mr. Cook, a first for him. RW is a potential liability but with five players who could have great years you have to figure two of them will pan out. Draft Grade: A

4. Flowers in the Cage (6) – Very well rounded team talent wise, but a bit of concern as far as too many players on only a few teams. Also, not one goalie comes from a team that made the playoffs last year, with two of them absolutely awful. Hopefully those teams make a turnaround this year. Draft: B

5. Pistol’s Hellcats (2) – Not having a pick in the first 12 rounds really hurt this team. I think I see four players I would consider starting in this league (Sedin, Sedin, Lundqvist, and Iginla), and 7 guys who have been around so long I can see them retiring as a result of being fragile, old or sucking (Smyth, Cole, Williams, Corvo, Stoll, Timmonen and Roloson). Lets see what magic Jack Adams recipient Pete Shpak can do this year..should be fun to watch. Anyone see anyone on his team you want in a trade other than his keepers? Grade: C-

6. Super Sperm (1) – what the fuck was that train wreck of a draft strategy? Grade: F

7. Everett Silvertips (9) – Another young team with a starting lineup projected to be all ranked in the top 100, so look for this entire team to be ranked around 400 one month into the season. Better goalies than this team has had in years though (which isn’t saying much) and some new players, this team is a crapshoot. Grade: B-

8. Clarence Swampton (7) – Solid goalies, solid players, could be better though, could be worse. A lot of wait and sees (especially Nabakov). Grade: B-

9. Bizzarohawks (11) – The first pick will be remembered for sometime. As Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook put it “I still cannot get over Loui Ericksson….maybe Baio want’s to bone him just like Steve always enjoys a good boning from Paymon.” Other than that, I think there were a lot of good picks, and I hope this team can turn it around after nothing but depression since the league was founded. Grade: B-

10. Crosby’s Concussions (8) – Some potential talent, but very heavy on a few teams, which could be problematic. Crosby is obviously a huge question mark. The sooner he gets back, the better. Grade: C

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – I like a lot of this team, but I think health will be a concern. Expect Frolik to have a big year if lined up with Bolland; would almost think this it the team with the GM who loves the Blackhawks looking at the roster. Grade: C+

12. Captain Chinese (10) – You suck Bert Grade: C-

13. Kanucks (14) – If the Dave Kitchen wasn’t so bad at fantasy hockey, I would rank this team a lot higher. I expect this team to be a pretty good contender this season. Grade: B

14. Not Poodle!!! (13) – I feel like half the guys GM Matt Welsh drafted are staples on his fantasy teams, and since historically they have sucked, I am gonna continue to believe nothing will change. Grade: C

Welcome Back

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer, I know I didn’t. Without Fantasy Hockey, it was just plain boring. Lets start the season by doing a pre-draft power rankings, based solely on keepers and draft picks. Looking forward to another year of this, as I know all the GMs are. In fact, I believe Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland summed it up nicely back in 2009:

“The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Jonah, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.”

1) Super Sperm – After a stellar regular season and President’s Trophy, this team was stunned with an early, embarrassing, comical first round playoff exit. The keepers for this team are second to none, led by none other than Pekka Rinne, the best fantasy goalie of this upcoming year. Had to give up Tim Thomas, which apparently GM Ryan Schauble barely figured out at the end of the off season, while everyone else knew it was an inevitability and ignored his trade pleas.

2) Pistol’s Hellcats – Pete Shpak returns with the strongest set of keepers in the league, though he starts off the new season with a much uglier team photo. The keepers are some of the best, but also some of the oldest, and with his first two picks at #27 and #55, this team may struggle with depth. In the short term however, the strength of the keepers should make this a competitor.

3) Jesse Loves Paymon – Great mix of young and juggernauts, with 3 picks in the first two rounds. Look for this team to deepen the roster and could definitely repeat as the Anze Cup Champion in 2012.

4) Texans – A great stable of keepers if they can stay healthy. Walked into a great situation with Vokoun going to the Capitals. Little movement during last season and offseason has left this team with picks in every round. Hopefully GM Chris Thomas has grown one year wiser and can build his team in the draft.

5) Anzoolander – Why say anything when I can let GM Jesse Cook do all the talking (in which he trashes the entire league, the city of Milwaukee, and Andy Kordyban’s sister all in one glorious drunken voicemail in March of 2009)?

6) The Meat Whistles – Not bad, definitely some fire power in his keepers, could have been even better if he considered heavily lopsided trades in his favor, but, it prevents him from seriously competing for the title, so benefits the rest of us.

7) Clarence Swampton – Any team with Stamkos is in good shape, and Luongo will be the second best regular season goalie this year (and worst playoff goalie of all time). One of his keepers may never pan out, but I like the risk taken.

8) Crosby’s Concussions – Would be higher, but a lingering concussion to his best player keeps him middle of the pack. On a positive note, doctors today said that Crosby has one of the best vestibular system in the world. They also said that is why he isn’t returning to hockey just yet. Okay then.

9) Everett Silvertips – Talent is too young for the most part, this won’t be the year for his keepers. With five picks in the first three rounds, GM Court Watson better draft well.

10) Captain Chinese – The keepers on this team are actually pretty good, but somehow Bert-metrics will fuck it up.

11) Bizzarohawks – Something has to go right for this team at some point, doesn’t it? I mean, it can’t all be downhill all the time, can it?

12) Me So Vyborny – I disagree with almost every keeper choice he made. Good luck Matthew.

13) Not Poodle!!! – Not a lot going on with this team, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind the keepers…GM Jesse Cook had it pretty much summed up in his voicemail from two years ago above…and nothing has changed.

14) Kanucks – In case you have blocked Dave’s Facebook status updates as spam already (which I assume all of you have, as well as Pistol’s, unless you are in the market for a new house), Dave is the proud father of a baby girl, Grace. Congratulations (and you forgot to announce her two week birthday on Facebook, you jerk). What does this mean to the already helicopter parent? An even shittier team this year.

League Dues

Once again, league fees are $20 USD, with additional amounts for transactions from last year. Just like last year, transactions are $0.25 each, with $5 for a name change after Week 1. Amounts owed can be found on the league finance page.

To pay, you can either use credit card on PayPal (courtwatson at hotmail dot com), Interac email payment, or USD cash or cheque. Please contact me prior to making payment, especially Interac email in CAD so as to get the correct FX rates.

Just like last year, late payments will be penalized with roster freezes. Dues and prior year outstanding balances not received by October 1 will result in the inability to add or drop players from free agency. If amounts continue to be outstanding as of October 15, teams will lose the ability to adjust their starting lineups.

The draft is scheduled for Monday, September 26, 7:00 PM PST. Make sure you load it up early to make sure you get in before it starts. Good luck gentlemen. In the words of Clay Morrow of Sons of Anarchy, let’s make it ghetto, make it gangsta.

JM