Power Rankings: Week 18

Lot of trade activity happening as teams make a last big push for a playoff spot (where we saw last year that anything, literally anything, can happen).  Will be interesting to see if any more moves are made before the trade deadline on March 10.  Let’s take a look at the fictional, highly inaccurate and extremely bias power rankings this week.

1.  Super Sperm (4) – Can Pekka Rinne carry this team on his own?  It worked this week, but who knows how long that can last, or how long Jonas Hiller is out.  The offense looks solid, despite the moronic Forsberg waiver wire pick up.  Who knows how much GM Ryan Schauble would have complained if he hadn’t picked him up, since he a keeper, obv.  Classic.

2.  Not Poodle (7) – Stellar goaltending carried this team this week.  GM Matt Welsh completed a whopper of a trade but has yet to see a payoff on offense.  The goalies can’t be this hot every week and the offense will need to show up come playoffs.  Luckily, this team’s last three matchups are with team’s in the bottom half of the standings.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon (2) – Back to back ties, this team is just sputtering along and not doing anything to move up in the playoff seedings.  This week could be a potential Anze Cup finals preview and will set the expectation level for this team in the playoffs.  The loss of Matt Duchene the day after trading for him was a massive blow…and hilarious.

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Had enough to secure a tie this week, but the numbers weren’t all that spectacular.  Never big on a team starting three defensemen.

5.  Captain Chinese (8) – Week 17 showed this team is slowly deteriorating, but luckily, the offense came roaring back this week to mask the sub par goaltending.  Japanese GM Bert Fong has given the Japan Custom’s inspection approach to his goaltending issues.  Like customs will ignore fresh produce from other countries until it has gone bad, Bert has ignored his goaltenders until they suck.

6. Anzoolander (6) – Sheer dumb, blind luck that this team dealt Matt Duchene for Jonathan Toews right before Duchene had a season ending injury.  But with captain serious comes a serious run in the playoffs.

7.  Sultan HC (11) – Big trade to give it one last try to make the playoffs, and it might have paid off.  Huge win this week for this team as it sits just outside the playoffs.  Last three weeks look pretty favorable for this team, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them as the dark horse in the playoffs (reverse jinx!  reverse jinx!).

8.  Malkin in the Middle (3) – GM Dave Dugan has been trying to make this team a playoff contender.  Solid moves in picking up Thomas Vanek and a rejuvenated Stevie Mason, but ultimately this team needs Sidney Crosby back fast.

9.  Me So Vyborny (5) – The return of Marty Brodeur is desperately needed as this team tries to hold onto a playoff spot.  The inability of GM Matt Meier to deal Brodeur or Thomas for anything has left this team with aging goalies and suspect offense.  The team will most likely increase their chances of making a playoff spot if they play a full roster going forward, however the last three matchups are gonna be tough ones.

10.  Everett Silvertips (25) – Has slowly moved up and the final playoff spot is now in site.  The addition of a hot Alex Tanquay (12 points in last 10) will bolster what is arguably the hottest offense in the league.  Two weeks of strong goaltending have given this team a chance, but I don’t see those goalies getting enough time going forward to give this team a real shot at the playoffs.

11.  Kanucks (13) – This team is feast or famine on offense, and the crushing loss this week all but assured this team will be on the outside looking in come playoff time.  The trades made in the past two weeks by GM Dave Kitchen show that he is planning for the future; wondered if he has started to look at RESPs yet.

12.  This Space 4 Rent $5 (12) – Uh, this team is in serious trouble, and I don’t know what will fix it.

13.  Bizzarohawks (9) – I just feel bad for this team and GM Scott Freeland; has to be the most unlucky GM with nothing ever paying off.  No wonder Lebron left.  I envision somewhere in the cold, dark abyss known as Clevenland, somewhere Freeland looks something like this:

14.  Texans (10) – Decimated by injuries and suffering the worst loss of the season to one of the worst teams in the league, this team finds itself at the bottom of this list.  One can only hope that Optimus Reim can turn this team’s fortunes for the better.  I personally believe he can.

Quote of the week comes from last week, and is from Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre regarding the trade between Not Poodle!!! and Kanucks and the possibility of one friend helping out another in that deal:

“…three years ago Poodle broke Kanucks Taylor Made driver on the 18th hole at Northlands G&CC.  I saw it happen before my eyes filled up with tears from laughing so hard.  Poodle didn't reimburse Kanucks and Kanucks has been pissed ever since.  Perhaps Malkin is Russian for "I'm sorry for breaking your driver.”

Power Rankings: Week 16

I am drunk.  Great game today.  I have no idea what teams were previously ranked, but I know what I think right now.

1)  Pistol’s Hellcats – Great goaltending, great offense.   I still think this team will be similar to our President’s trophy winner of yesteryear and lose when the Canucks have a slow week, but right now, this is clearly the team to beat.

2)  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to give GM Steve McIntyre credit, but he hated this team after the draft, and has a total of 6 moves.  So really, the GM has nothing to do with this team’s success.

3)  Malkin in the Middle – Despite missing their best player who was raped in a few hits that resulted in a concussion, this team still put up the third most points of this week and raped their opponent offensively.  Crosby sounds like he will be back shortly and be able to rape his opponents again.  Question is, will GM Dave Dugan leverage his future to get that last missing piece he needs in net to rape opponents defensively?  A-Ben.  Rape.

4)  Super Sperm – Me wanted Nabokov..

5)  Me So Vyborny – Standings be damned, this team can compete.  For fucks sake, leverage one of your goalies for either future picks or better offense; no way you can keep them all.

6)  Anzoolander -  Beat titan this past week, another one this week…two wins in a row will make this team hard to ignore.  Sergei Kostitsyn is in, he’s out, he’s in!  He also has tits in his name, which is GM Jesse Cook’s lucky charm.

7)  Not Poodle – This team, to be honest, got lucky that their opponent had a slow week offensively.  I am not big on this team, and I don’t see GM Matt Welsh making any moves for a playoff run. 

8)  Captain Chinese – I said that Tibetian GM Bert Fong wouldn’t sell high and buy low on players outperforming on this team, and now he loses to a cellar dweller.  Way to suck at fantasy hockey.  This team is the Yang in fantasy hockey management to GM Pete Shpak’s Ying.  All energy in circular, and for every action there is an simultaneous, opposite and equal reaction.  GM Bert Fong should have know this, but, he sucks.

9)  Bizzarohawks – Looks like they are making some moves for the future, so lets hope something pays off.  GM Scott Freeland tries, but really can’t get a break.  Almost like he lives in Cleveland or something.  Oh, wait….

10)  Texans – I can’t remember who is on this team, nor do I even know who they played this week…that isn’t a good sign…

11)  Sultan HC – Even with the caps playing well, this team still isn’t very productive offensively.  That isn’t a good thing.  I think this team will miss the playoffs, and only has one real keeper.

12)  This Space 4 rent $5 – This team has one keeper.  And that isn’t good.

13)  Kanucks – Some nice offense this week.  Has one legitimate keeper, but pretends to have four.  At least the strong showings will help ensure a middle of the pack draft pick.  GM Dave Kitchen – congratulations.  I expect to see 7 posts and 797 comments regarding this congrats on Facebook shortly (if we really wanted to fuck with him, we could show how he only thinks he has control over social media, but he really doesn’t.  I started, but didn’t have the heart to do it).  Side note:  GM Dave Kitchen will be so preoccupied he will be even worse than he is now, if possible.

25)  Everett Silvertips -  Despite outscoring half the teams in this league, this team once again just got killed.  Why do they even show up?  Who knows.  This team is like Andy Kordyban at a nightclub that doesn’t allow minors in…no chance and out of its element.

Quote of the week comes from GM Matt Meier of Me So Vyborny:

“I was thinking I would keep Sharp before I would keep Hossa, I am not sure yet.”

I’ll give you Neidermeyer for Hossa.