Champion’s Message

As is the tradition, every year we feature a message from the new champion.  With that, I present this year’s current champion, Jesse Dean Cook.

Your 2014/15 Anze Cup Champion - Anzoolander

In the wise words of Cole Ballard, "who the fuck is Anze Kopitar?" Well, he has just captained the greatest fantasy hockey team of all time to win The Anze Cup. All hail Anze (which in Slovenian means 'Great Handsome Man'), who is truly the King.

I'd first like to thank my worthy opponent in the finals, the Bizarrohawks for a valiant effort and a great season winning the President’s Trophy. It is a grind to win the regular season, however, the true test is beating three good teams in a row to win the Cup as opposed to God awful teams such as Not Poodle, Kanucks and the ChingChing BingBongs. Losing to those teams is like losing to Stevie Wonder in a game of rock, paper, scissors...just embarrassing.

I will also give Luke credit for encouraging more trades this year and we need even more next season. As my #1 selling bumper sticker says, "You win some, you lose some and you ChingChong Bingbong some." Looking at how Anzoolander made it to the top; I made some good trades and bad trades but the key is I made them. Stop being pussies and worry what other people think next season...we will make fun of you no matter how good or shitty the trade is. I expect the same back.

Great: James van Riemsdyk, Kari Lehtonen and my 2nd for Carey Price and CCBB 10th.

Awful: Devan Dubnyk, Chris Krieder AND my #1 for Pavel Datsyuk and Texans #6.

It would've been amazing to ride the DD 39 straight start train but I fucked that up and traded him a day before he caught fire. It's as if I listened to JLP to buy high on an aging has-been who will ultimately be injured 1/2 the remaining games. You suck Steve. Thanks for nothing. 

Now, back to the Cup Final. A Legend was born and the Art Ross will be handed out to the stud of all Fantasy studs, Jamie "10 pts in 3 games" Benn.

Starting Benn was a no brainer, but where my skill is at a higher level than all of you losers put together is starting Cam "Clutch" Atkinson over Steven "Sniper" Stamkos. Then, having the foresight and confidence to start Drew Stafford (9% owned) and Yannick "The Bomb" Weber (7% owned) in the biggest week of the season while I sat back and watched them collect a combined 4 goals (the 2 PPG by Weber less than 2 minutes apart from the same spot was amazing....to everyone but me). 

The last 3 Stanley Cup Champion Team Captains were: Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. The current Art Ross winner is Jamie Benn. The favorite to win both the Vezina and the Hart trophies is Carey Price. And these players are ALL ON THE SAME TEAM?! What great management. Simply outstanding. Top shelf. Anzoolander simply cannot be stopped.

Pistol's Hellcats (GM Pete Shpak) are now the former champ and will have no more nights like these alone thinking to himself while sipping from The Cup "God Anze is so damn good looking, and tall." 

Finally, thank you Stupid Court for running such a great league. I would give you higher praise, however, you just got back from a week at The Masters without me so you can just go fuck yourself. 

The End. Your Hero. Anze Cook