The Playoffs!

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs.  Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck.  Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it.  One trade for very little.  Hashtag rebuild.  By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons.  Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it).  My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied.  If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey.  Wild boar hunting season starts early this year.  Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau.  You the man.  The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in.  If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere.  So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off.  With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets): 

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats.  Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close.   I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well.  I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction:  Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday).  Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs.  Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs.  The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill.  For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad.  Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible.  This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run.  In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process.  The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball.  In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs.  Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through.  Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey.  Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.  

Power Rankings: Week 2

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better.  With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists:  Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon.  Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist.  Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life.  One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it.  Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing.  Make ‘Merca great again.  Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong.  If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor.  I hate him.  Mess hates him.  Everyone hates Luke.  

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV.  Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993.  It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management.  Business is fucked, & so are we.  Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one.  Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around.  But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012.  If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong.  Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings.  A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core. 

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you.  This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender.  This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week.  I love Pete.  Pete is the greatest. 

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend.  Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train.  Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel?  More like, lead this GM out behind the stable.  Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders.  The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers.  The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf.  Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly?  To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page.  The greatest:

 

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read.  We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another.  Stay in school kids.  Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance.  You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese.  They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they?  You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster.  He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school.  Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall…  his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender.  Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind.  Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask.  For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13.  Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot.  I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor. 

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy.  Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed.  Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion.  Just fucking kill me already. 

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it.  That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake.  But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about.  Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand.  I am just fucking brutal.   

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 8

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase.  Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season?  Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better?  Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good?  Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward?  Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things.  And by interesting, I mean stupid.  Example include:  Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage).  All teachable, laughable moments.  You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed.  Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1.  Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league.  That is this team.  Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano).  Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2.  Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans.  Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy.  No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey.  Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top.  Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3.  Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on.  While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time.  There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break.  Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola.  Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4.  Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league.  That came out of nowhere.  This is probably one of the  best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5.  Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team.  Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before.  You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off.  Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6.  Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist.  By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes.  The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S.  Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch.  Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes.  That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada.  Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7.  Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up.  Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically.  For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories).  This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic.  Either way, I am excited to watch.

8.  Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league.  Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week.  Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9.  Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less.  Well done.

10.  Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad.  Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11.  Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion.  Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12.  Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13.  Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck.  Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic.  You suck Zooperpylon.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is.  You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all.  And thank you Ron Swanson.  JM.

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM