The Champion’s Message, Finally.

Every year, as is tradition, the champion of our league addresses all the losers. Our current champion, Hatrick Swayze’s Todd Toothill, did as much as that in April. However, I am have been tardy in posting it, because I don’t have time and have lost interest in this blog and league. So, without further adieu, here is Todd’s deep thoughts:

Sweet Victory indeed. Each and every one of you should be very proud of your accomplishment this year. You battled hard all year, and in the end, was a very successful season.

I’m of course talking to the players on the Championship roster of Hatrick Swayze, and not you loser GMs. You guys are terrible.

As I reflect on the year it was, the path to winning pretty much followed my path in life. That is, do the absolute least to get the absolute most. The definition of Value Based Success:

• Overtake the Chumps in the final week of the season for First place; Just enough.
• Nudge out the Silverchips in round 1 with an 8-6 victory, losing G,A,P,+/-,PPG,PPA; Just enough.
• Beat Anzepoolander on the final day of the semis 8-5, losing every goalie category except starts; Just enough.
• And in the finals, inching by on meaningless categories to secure victory 8-4;

Just enough.

Imagine if I put any time and effort into this thing at all, what we could accomplish? 9-3! 10-2! Sky’s the limit I say, but please GMs, continue doing what you’re doing as I much prefer to win in the style I’ve become accustomed to. And by the way, I know what you’re thinking. Thinking of calling me the “L” word. But you’re wrong, it’s not lazy, it’s selective participation.

As I was looking for inspiration in writing this Champion’s Message, I happened to take a gander at last year’s message. As I waded through the grammar inconsistencies and lack of parallel structure, I happened across this little nugget:

“*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning” 

The answer, Luke, is Under. The fastest GM victory in the history of Puck Yourself from start date (not including the first 4 years of the league of course). Suck on that, and for fuck sakes, can you please find yourself a good team name. How about this one:

And, as I make my way off the parade float, some parting shots to a few of my fellow Puck Yourself combatants:

ChingChongBingBong: Hey! Look at you! You made your first post season appearance in a decade (or more??)! Thanks to that stellar couple of weeks that Markstrom got you, you made it in. And if I recall correctly, that was a trade that you and I made. So while other GM’s (Luke) take advantage of the meek, your champion boosts them up. You’re welcome, Bert, for helping you achieve your goals. And you’re also welcome, rest of league, for creating parity.

Everett Silvertips: Thanks for all you do in running this great league. Kudos on a job…done.

Hellcunts: Jesus what happened to you. No really, what happened. You used to be fun. Now you’re just, done.

Philosopher Mcdavid Chumps: Somebody help this team find a name. Anybody. Can’t wait for the lunch. Where in Vancouver can you get Wagyu Steak again?

Anzepoolander: Ape.

All jokes aside, thanks for letting me be part of this league, it’s a ton of fun with awesome owners, and I look forward to doing next to nothing next year whilst sipping from the Anze Cup!!

Swayze out.

Great stuff.

JM

The Season Starts Now

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser.  The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality.  Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close.  Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner.  Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips.  Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot.  The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure.  They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league.  Sad.

Prediction:  Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4.  Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on.  None of that matters, wanna know why?  Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan.  If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose.  This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset.  Or is that the oil sands.  Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week.  I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously.  Nice President’s Trophy collapse).  I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist.  That would be justice.  Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw).  Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still.  The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing.  I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road.  I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one.  Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl.  Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls.  Except you Jody, welcome.  Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future.  For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year.  YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM.  Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place.   On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league.  As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick Team Dues Owed 1 Super Sperm (had 19 balls) $71.50 USD 2 2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls) $62.80 USD 3 Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls) $85.05 USD 4 Hellcunts (had 29 balls) $101.00 USD 5 Fresh Action (had 9 balls) $63.00 USD 6 Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls) $64.50 USD Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs. JM