Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs. Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck. Let's quickly address those teams:
Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it. One trade for very little. Hashtag rebuild. By 2024.
Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves
Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons. Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it). My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied. If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.
Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey. Wild boar hunting season starts early this year. Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.
Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.
ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau. You the man. The Chinaman.
Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in. If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere. So it won't.
Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off. With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets):
1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)
Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats. Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.
Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5
2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)
I think this match will be really close. I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well. I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.
Prediction: Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday). Advances winning 8-7-1
3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)
Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs. Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs. The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill. For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad. Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible. This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.
Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1
4.
Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)
Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run. In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process. The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball. In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs. Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through. Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.
Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey. Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.
Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.
