Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to the first official power rankings of the 2015-16 season.  These are usually the most accurate power rankings you will ever read, I am rarely wrong, and mostly right.  With that disclaimer, lets get right into it.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 – This train has started out of the gates at top speed, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say I cannot wait for it to crash and burn in a fiery death.  A convincing win last week without its top netminder over a team that put up a pretty solid effort.  You might think Zetterberg and Plekanec are flukes (they are) but I am assuming Cole has learned not to listen to himself, will deal one of them, and the other can be replaced by Backstrom, who is back.  Should be a fun year to watch Cole second guess himself all season long.  Pressure is on big guy.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Might be top ranked if they hadn’t had a bye week last week.  Impressive performance, but it was like making a 1 foot putt on a hole the size of a basketball hoop.  Another bye week this week will help this team cruise to week 3.    The glaring weakness in this team is clearly Henrik Lundqvist, who is old balls, and GM Pete Shpak knows it, picking up a career backup on a terrible team has his handcuff (looks at transaction wire again, confirms that is what happens, shakes head in amazement).  Good luck with that, and Jagr playing a full season, and Parise shooting at a career high shooting percentage, and Max Domi doing whatever he is doing for much longer (it is Arizona for the love of god).

3.  Philosopher King – Martin Jones.  Is he this year’s Dominik Hasek (1993) or is he this year’s Darcy Kuemper (2014)?  My guess is the later, since it happens oh, every year, versus Hasek happening once in a lifetime (and Jones’ is Canadian, which means he isn’t as good as people think).  This has to be keeping Luke up at night as he looks for reliable third goalies in the likes of Thomas Greiss and Anton Khudobin.  Luke likes to talk about his inside track at San Jose, not realizing he is just pointing out he has confirmation bias.  Good luck with that.

4.  Super Sperm – Solid team, but probably won’t win the Anze Cup.  This team’s window, like the Canucks, is gone.  Very questionable management moves; how you put a offensive talent who is paired with Tavares on the powerplay on the bench for a guy playing with Martin Hanzal is beyond me.  But hey, hashtag no cups.

5.  Anzoolander - Everyone thought this team was screwed with no draft picks, but who needs picks when you have Carey Price and Jamie Benn?  They can beat half the teams in the league on their own.  Stamkos helps too.  Abdelkader won’t shoot .500 for much longer, but if the ancillary pieces can contribute periodically, this core is going to go deep, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see this team back in the Anze Cup finals.

6.  Kane and she was Abel – As long as Patrick Kane isn’t in jail, I think this team competes week in and week out.  Goaltending will always be a risk with the goalies this team has, but there will be weeks where goaltending will carry them to victory in a blaze of glory.

7.  Texans – Great offense, bad goaltending.  Why Bernier ever started a game for this team is beyond me.    Hopefully Dubynk comes around and plays out of his mind again, versus staying at, you know, his career average.  Oh wait, maybe the term regress to the mean actually means something.  There is a ton of young talent on this team, with players from Calgary going to kill this team in plus minus because their puck possession is as bad as last year and is finally catching up with them.  It will be fun to watch this team each week, and scary for competitors if the goalies come around.

8.  Me So Vyborny – I like a lot of things going on with this team.  There is a lot of young talent on offense.  The goalies on the other hand, all three are in jeopardy of getting consistent playing time going forward.  GM Matt Meier has going to have to be a little more aggressive this year versus, well, ever.  Hopefully, he doesn’t listen to Cole.

9.  Everett Silvertips – Wow.  Which team has awful goaltending?  This team.  I don’t think this team has much of a shot unless something magical happens (someone gives him a great starting goalie, the Boston Bruins figure out how to play defense, Court becomes single and not boring, etc).  Great young talent on offense will probably get this team into the playoffs, but as of right now, it has no shot on winning it all.

10.  Connor McSaviors – I think this team has more wins this season already than all of last year.  A testament to Ryan’s work effort so far, the only direction this team can go is up.  That, and they played a horribly managed team.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Who is on the case when the detective IS the missing person?  Hopefully, Steve will stop making that awful joke; it wasn’t funny when they did it on Sportscenter (yeah, I spelled it correctly) and it really isn’t funny when Steve does it.  Besides that clown in net, is there anyone on this team you get super excited for other than Karlsson?  Me neither.

12.  Hatrick Swayze – We are really rooting for Todd, it would be great to see someone like him win in this league, but he is already mismanaging his roster, getting zero points out of Crosby.  The best part is Todd talking about how a guy who plays for Toronto is good.  Haha (I am laughing with you, I swear).  At least his d-men are productive, for now.  I actually think Quick will bounce back and so will this team a little bit, despite what Todd does.

13.  Kanucks – Bye week #2.  I give Dave credit for being active, but that doesn’t mean this team is very good.  Don’t see this team moving from the slot anytime soon.

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs – The original bye week.  Going to take something special to get out of this position.

Just an FYI, you all owe money, but I need to figure out how much.  Also, as a reminder, especially for newbies, all transactions are $.50 each.  Eventually I will get around to billing you.

JM

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM