And the Winners Are (And Draft Date, and House Cleaning, the Departed, and Newbie Intros and Whatever)

The votes are in and there were clear winners, losers, and sometimes both at the same time. Let's go through the award winners.

Jack Adams - Luke Mackinnon. Impressive first year, as this rookie GM turned a playoff team into, well, a playoff team. And did it by taking advantage of the dumbest Asian I have ever met. And a Crossfitter (which means even dumber than the dumb Asian). So the rest of us suck. So, this actually got kind of depressing. Good job, I guess.

Eugene Adams - Bert Fong. No surprise (see above). Also, this is a repeat win for the original Eugene Adams award winner, and the only GM to win this twice. Hats off, we are all dumber for having played in a league with you.

Andy Kordyban - Luke Mackinnon. Great win here as he took the award Jesse Cook generally owns (three of last four go to him). Luke did bring great energy, spastic, incoherent ramblings, laughed harder at his own jokes than anyone else, and has a head that kind of resembles a penis. Pretty sure this isn't the last we have seen of Luke in the running for this coveted award. By the way, if you haven't met Andy, but you are from the Lower Mainland, watch this video, and I assure you by the end you will be saying "oh shit, that guy..."

If you made it to the one minute mark, stick tap to you sir.

Now onto the draft.  If you haven't already seen the update on the league page, the draft is scheduled for 8:30 PST on September 30. Not everyone wanted to make it as this time, but it was the only time everyone COULD make it. Don't like it? Don't care. Rosters will be updated this week for off season trades (it takes time, I have a real job, and a wife, and a kid (all dumb decisions)). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ROSTER WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, NOT ME. I DON'T CARE IF YOU MARRIED A TEACHER AND BECAME A LIBERAL AND THEREFORE BELIEVE NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. STEVE.

Now some sad news; as some of you may know, we have had two GMs leave our league this offseason. 1.5 of them were fairly actively engaged and added value to the league banter. The other 0.5 was Fatty; go fuck yourself Fatty. David Dugan is leaving us, and I for one can say he will be missed. His value being he overvalued someone other than the Canucks and had more knowledge of the Eastern Conference than most, and anyone who is a fan of the League and It Is Always Sunny in Philadelphia is ok in my books. I give you his parting message:

"Dearest Joe,

It it with great sadness that I submit my resignation as General Manager of the Halifax Highlanders. It was not an easy decision, as I have tried for years to build a winning team. The surprise departure of Ninja last year (how appropriate) and being the only East Coast team made me realize that a franchise relocation would be best for everyone. I'm sure that the new GM will be less of a Ted and more of a Ruxin. Thank you for all your hard work over the past years. I will still be checking in on the blog and if the new guys wins with my team, I want 20%. To all my fellow GM's, Go Puck Yourself, especially you Jesse, that playoff loss will haunt me for years. 

Sincerely, That guy most of you never met.

Dave"

'sniff'.  A little dusty in here.

Luckily, it appears we have added two absolute dip shits to our league, so that should be fun. And honestly, fresh blood reinvigorates most things, just ask Syrian rebels. Tonight I proudly introduce our two new GMs.

Ryan Zupan

Second  greatest photo of the African continent ever

Taking over Fatty's team and now the Connor McSaviors, this picture pretty much says it all in terms of value he will bring. And that isn't even the reason I am excited he is joining our league. No, the reason I am excited is that he is a die hard Oiler fan. Die hards make bad fantasy hockey decisions, which means everyone else benefits. And supporting a team where talent goes to die? Absolute gold mine Jerry. But of course, he will tell you this year is going to be different, Connor McDavid is the real deal, things will turn around, blah blah blah blah, Devan Dubynk. Welcome to the big show, Mr. Zupan. By the way, after seeing that picture, I went to youtube to watch a video. Can you guess which one? I know at least 50% of you knew this was coming:

If you didn't get through this entire video, just quit the league now.

Todd Toothill

Taking over for Dugan, who had one of the best team names in the league and replacing it with Hatrick Sawyze, just awful insulting tradition like that. However, Todd is a personable, well dressed, well groomed and overall polished young man. He will be a fine addition to the league and we should all encourage him to do his best. I say all this, because Todd is mentally slow, as you will come to realize over time. Anyone who thinks Eli is better than Peyton has to be, amiright? I once saw him at a wedding get so befuddled giving a speech he just kept saying "aka, aka, aka" while his tiny brain worked in overtime. I just wanted to yell "Run Forrest!" and encourage him on, but he persevered. It was inspiring. Welcome to the league Todd, you are special and we are all supporting you.

In all seriousness, $50 says despite being semi-retarded he still easily beats Bert this year.

Let the games begin.

JM

Annual Awards and Choosing the Draft Date

Welcome back sheepfuckers!



How has your summer been?  From what I hear, everyone has been busy, usually as a result of their stupid mistakes (drinking, marriage, kids, home ownership).  I am really excited to hear all about it.¹

Alright, first things first; awards voting!  Every year, we award three awards to well deserving recipients.  Lets revisit each of the awards and what they represent.

Jack Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s success

Eugene Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s failure

Andy Kordyban award – awarded annually the to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Named after this clown:



The Uniduke

Let's look at the nominees:

Jack Adams award:  Luke Mackinnon, Jesse Cook and Court Watson - The two teams in the Anze Cup Finals last year, and the team that went from out of the playoffs to third place.  Luke took over the team early in the season and turned it into an instant contender, though that may have been the result of being new and therefore being able to fuck the shit out of Bert Fong over and over in a series of trades (He traded away Max Pacioretty and in return received Max Pacioretty and Ryan Getzlaf...what the fuck?!?!?).  So maybe it was a fluke.  Mr. Cook did a fine job last season in his first Anze Cup win, but leveraged his team's future significantly in the process, will be interesting to see what he will do.  Court is just here because I needed three.  He sucks and deserves no votes, (and neither does anyone else in the league).

Eugene Adams award:  Bert Fong, Dave Kitchen and Matt Welsh - Perennially and consistently, the worst three teams in the league.  In standings, in roster management, in trades, in playing hurt players, in life, in everything.  Somehow amazingly, all three made the playoffs in 2011-12.  Since then, now they are known as Tres Descansos Semanales.²

Andy Kordyban award:  Jesse Cook, Luke Mackinnon, and Matt Welsh.  Spends an inordinate amount of time on fantasy hockey, vocal, bit of a loudmouth know-it-all but still funny, ultimately fucks things up.  Gotta admit, got a bit nostalgic when Luke joined this league, almost thought Kordyban was with us.  God bless him.

Get your votes in on the side bar at right.

Now onto the draft.  We need to pick a date.  This is arguably my favorite part of the season.  The complaining, the accusations, the basic dumbfuckery.  Some people don't want weekends, some people don't want weekdays.  Some people want earlier, some people want later.  Some people are on the east coast, some people aren't.  No time is perfect, suck it up.  With that in mind, Here are some dates I am throwing out there:

Thursday, September 17 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Friday, September 18 at 9 PM PST/12:00 AM EST
Wednesday, September 30 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Saturday, October 3 at 1:30 PM PST/4:30 PM EST

PLEASE RESPOND VIA EMAIL WHAT YOUR PREFERENCE IS, IN ORDER.  DO NOT SEND ME ONE DATE.  For example.  Here is an actual email from a moron:

"18th works"

Here is an email from a value added member of society:

"1. 18th, 2. 17th, 3. 30th, 4. 3rd.  Headed to college football game on the 3rd, so I would miss"

Inevitably, someone will miss the draft.  Unless they are a winner, like Jesse, who managed to do the draft WHILE ATTENDING THE BALLET.  If he can do it then, you can do it while doing whatever the fuck you are doing.  I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit about the draft times not being to your liking, so save it.³

I await all your responses.  Also, you may see your roster from the end of last year.  It will be updated over next week or so to reflect trades in the offseason.  Be patient.  Again, I don't get paid enough.⁴

Let's get this season rolling.  Put the women and children to bed, and lets go hunting for dinner.  At Jack In the Box, preferably.  And don't kill a famous lion; makes life awkward.

JM

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1 I couldn't care less^↩
2 Three Weekly Byes (I think)^↩
3 I get paid nothing. FML.^↩
4 Still nothing. Still FML.^↩