Champion’s Message

As is the tradition, every year we feature a message from the new champion.  With that, I present this year’s current champion, Jesse Dean Cook.

Your 2014/15 Anze Cup Champion - Anzoolander

In the wise words of Cole Ballard, "who the fuck is Anze Kopitar?" Well, he has just captained the greatest fantasy hockey team of all time to win The Anze Cup. All hail Anze (which in Slovenian means 'Great Handsome Man'), who is truly the King.

I'd first like to thank my worthy opponent in the finals, the Bizarrohawks for a valiant effort and a great season winning the President’s Trophy. It is a grind to win the regular season, however, the true test is beating three good teams in a row to win the Cup as opposed to God awful teams such as Not Poodle, Kanucks and the ChingChing BingBongs. Losing to those teams is like losing to Stevie Wonder in a game of rock, paper, scissors...just embarrassing.

I will also give Luke credit for encouraging more trades this year and we need even more next season. As my #1 selling bumper sticker says, "You win some, you lose some and you ChingChong Bingbong some." Looking at how Anzoolander made it to the top; I made some good trades and bad trades but the key is I made them. Stop being pussies and worry what other people think next season...we will make fun of you no matter how good or shitty the trade is. I expect the same back.

Great: James van Riemsdyk, Kari Lehtonen and my 2nd for Carey Price and CCBB 10th.

Awful: Devan Dubnyk, Chris Krieder AND my #1 for Pavel Datsyuk and Texans #6.

It would've been amazing to ride the DD 39 straight start train but I fucked that up and traded him a day before he caught fire. It's as if I listened to JLP to buy high on an aging has-been who will ultimately be injured 1/2 the remaining games. You suck Steve. Thanks for nothing. 

Now, back to the Cup Final. A Legend was born and the Art Ross will be handed out to the stud of all Fantasy studs, Jamie "10 pts in 3 games" Benn.

Starting Benn was a no brainer, but where my skill is at a higher level than all of you losers put together is starting Cam "Clutch" Atkinson over Steven "Sniper" Stamkos. Then, having the foresight and confidence to start Drew Stafford (9% owned) and Yannick "The Bomb" Weber (7% owned) in the biggest week of the season while I sat back and watched them collect a combined 4 goals (the 2 PPG by Weber less than 2 minutes apart from the same spot was amazing....to everyone but me). 

The last 3 Stanley Cup Champion Team Captains were: Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. The current Art Ross winner is Jamie Benn. The favorite to win both the Vezina and the Hart trophies is Carey Price. And these players are ALL ON THE SAME TEAM?! What great management. Simply outstanding. Top shelf. Anzoolander simply cannot be stopped.

Pistol's Hellcats (GM Pete Shpak) are now the former champ and will have no more nights like these alone thinking to himself while sipping from The Cup "God Anze is so damn good looking, and tall." 

Finally, thank you Stupid Court for running such a great league. I would give you higher praise, however, you just got back from a week at The Masters without me so you can just go fuck yourself. 

The End. Your Hero. Anze Cook

Playoff Eulogy: The Bizarrohawks

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the seventh in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to the Bizarrohawks.

Bizarrohawks – RIP 2015

This team finished first loser.  Not bad.

I am not sure what to make of this team, nor the rookie GM, Luke Mackinnon.  Certainly he showed his time in the other JV leagues he is in has given him some skills, but what skills are those?    It isn’t like he inherited a bad team, with Tarasenko, Giordano, Bishop, Crawford, Zetterberg and Pacioretty all handed to him on a silver platter.  He made some great trades along the way, but were they great trades, or is he the beneficiary of the new guy phenomenon?  He certainly used his newness to take advantage of Bert, trading Pacioretty for Getzlaf and Pacioretty.  One wonders if those kind of trades will be available to him in the future (knowing Bert, the answer is probably yes). 

One just has to look at Luke’s active posting on the message board and emails exchanged with GMs in trade negotiations and they quickly get this image in their heads:

Maybe his best skill is sitting right beside a guy who is also in this league and working the hard sale all season long on someone with maybe a bit less knowledge of fantasy hockey (side note, Luke made zero trades with any team in the playoffs).  Having a boss in this league who allows you to spend as much time running hypothetical trade scenarios as Luke does is a great thing.  Maybe he can keep this up, taking advantage of those teams at the bottom.  Maybe Fatty will set his lineup one day.  Solid maybes.  Except the last one.  Quit Fatty.

Regardless, winning the President’s Trophy and Anze Cup is the same year is an amazing feat.  A feat that Luke failed to accomplish (it has only happened once, ahem, thank you).  But I enjoyed his passion, his random bizarre posts when he was off his ADHD medication, and his lengthier rants when he was on it.  While Scott Freeland may be have been quiet, he still spent a lot of time on this league, so I wouldn’t say having Luke is better, it is just different.  And maybe in a good way, because fantasy leagues all have expiry dates; they run their course over time.  New blood can help keep them going, similar to machines keeping a technically dead person alive in a comatose state.  Jesus, that was a horribly depressing analogy. 

Speaking of horribly depressing, the performance by Bizarrohawks in the finals was about as bad as it gets in a championship.  Like Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl bad.  The only logical conclusion from watching that match is that Luke was horribly out managed by Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook.  It was like a Shaolin Master teaching his pupil by beating him with a stick.  I hope Luke took notes and learned something from that embarrassment.  Blaming injuries of guys on the bench?  Just sad. 

Better luck next year.  Looking forward to seeing you in action again.

Court

Playoff Eulogy: Jesse Loves Paymon

n honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the sixth in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to the Jesse Loves Paymon.

Jesse Loves Paymon - RIP

As the saying goes, "you are only as good as your weakest link." In this case the weakest link of Jesse Loves Paymon (JLP) is clearly its GM, Stephen Ronald McIntyre.

Stephen's propensity to over-value older players in the twilight of their careers is well known. Players like: Kelser, Malkin, Bergeron, Lupul, Suter and Dubinsky all faltered down the stretch due to having such old balls. You would think anyone with 1/100th of a brain could figure this out...but obviously Stephen could not. Perhaps Stephen should have this guy take over his team next season.

While I will give JLP credit for some decent trades before the stretch run, it was a case of too little too late. I was amazed he actually traded Cam "I was last good in 2006" Ward for an actual starter (all hail DD). Why JLP didn't pull the trigger on that faster is anyone's guess as clearly Bobrovksy was losing cases all season long and Jimmy Howard looked more like Timmy Howard.

This will be a tough off-season for JLP as coming in 4th place is really really really bad. JLP was simply out-classed in the semi finals by eventual Anze Cup winner Anzoolander. Then, JLP got jack-hammered in the back alley by the Everett Silvertips in the Consolation Final (aka who gives a shit final). 

I'll leave you with an actual photo of JLP watching the semi-finals when he realized his team full of losers would not go thru to the Finals. No idea who the broad is...but she also looks upset...probably because you ate all of the popcorn you selfish bastard!

Playoff Eulogy: Everett Silvertips

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the Third in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Bizarrohawks’ new GM Luke Mackinnon pays his respects to the Everett Silvertips.

Everett Silvertips – RIP 2015

Everett Silvertips, led by GM Court Watson, put forth a disappointing week that ends the dream in returning to glory.  A fading star, perennial winner Watson put together an inconsistent, streaky team that was lucky to make it to the playoffs. Riddled with injuries, we take a closer look at this team’s fall from grace.

Armed with arguably the best keepers in the game, this was a team that missed the playoffs last year  and almost again this year.  If either of the two other teams trying to make it in could have scored even 4 wins on the final week, I wouldn't be giving this eulogy. Something is wrong with the home computer and system... has to be with these past results... time for an upgrade.

The downfall starts early with one of the worst trades of the year, as Nikita Kucherov, both LW/RW eligible, gets shipped out of town for a d-man that ends the season with -19, and a goalie who doesn't play.  Kucherov ends the season with a Yahoo rank of 25th overall. The next trade was a bold move that took balls, trading one of the best ranked goalies in the league in Quick (2nd most starts/6th in wins) and Backes, for Giroux and the injured for the year Miller.  An unlucky injury, as Giroux is a beast and the best player in the trade. These trades lead us to the point that the Tips still have all of their draft picks in tact for next year.  Refusing to move to improve, one has to wonder if GM Watson even believed in his own team... a constant pessimist, and belligerent abuser to his own team, I doubt it.  

One look at the risky blue line and you would think there was room for improvement - but I'm sure the spreadsheet said that these were the guys who were going to get it done for the Tips, so they stuck with the plan.  In the end, Bizarrohawks defense outscore them 13-6 in points (I'm sure there will be some sort of push not to see 4 D slots next year).  Joe MaGrath nailed his outlook saying that ancillary stats would win this week out for the Bizarrohawks.  1 SHG, 1 SHA, 1 GWG, 1 SO, were enough to make that come true.  Although history did repeat itself, as in week 21, the same 11-4 result took place.  If were looking into past weeks, we should also make note that the Everett Silvertips were the only team to legitimately go 0-12, not scoring a point in week 17. Just downright embarrassing.

In a combination with this embarrassing stat, and in all honesty the amazing job you do to run what has to be one of the very best hockey pools out there today... I know we all give you a huge round of applause and massive thank you for your energy, and want to give you this cup (see pic), because you deserve something for your work.  The outlook is good for you Court... with a new computer, armed with those keepers, and all your picks in tact; this is a team that will surely be feared next year... at least until you screw it up... again... 

Playoff Eulogy: Halifax Highlanders

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan pays his respects to, well, himself.

Halifax Highlanders – RIP 2015

In a playoff loss that will go down as one of the greatest first round matchups ever, the Halifax Highlanders season ended in the same heartbreaking fashion that the Pittsburgh Penguins season will in a couple of weeks.

Halifax GM David Dugan made quite a splash early in the season when he sent Claude Giroux and Ryan Miller to the Everett Silvertips for Jonathan Quick and David Backes. GM David Dugan thought that having Sidney Crosby and Jonathan Quick would be cornerstones to build on for years to come.  In reality, he hasn’t yet realized that he needs to start more than just 2 positions to win in this league.

This offseason, Dugan plans to reflect on mistakes made as well as reject all the trade requests for Sidney Crosby. At least some GM’s (I’m looking at you Luke Dawg) have the decency to write a few paragraphs trying to explain why Getzlaf for Sid is a good trade for everyone.

Fuck you all I’m still bitter, my team was so hot going into the playoffs.

On the Cusp of Greatness

This is it.  What we all worked for.  What we sweated over.  What we forgo time with loved ones for.  What we ostracize ourselves at pool parties in Palm Springs talking about.  The Anze Cup Finals.  One of the two teams left will take home the Anze Cup. One of these two teams will become immortal.

And second place?  Well, lets get things kicked off this week with a commercial Versus television network made specifically for our league.

Second is the first loser

Lets look at the finals matchup.

1.  Bizzarohawks versus 3.  Anzoolander  (regular season series – 18-7 for Anzoolander)

Based on the Yahoo! ranking, between these two teams, the total number of players in the top 25 from last week is exactly two.  It gets to four over the past 14 days, though Bizarrohawks still keeps its one fringe spot (side note:  if Texans had made the playoffs, they may have crushed everyone).

So what does that mean?  Nothing.  Because in weeks like this, there is no underdog.  There is no favorite.  Passion triumphs logic.  Heart beats the mind.  You have two very well rounded teams and it should be a fun match.  If I had to go just off paper, I like Anzoolander in the match.  They are healthier, they are deeper, they have more games.  Goalie games don’t matter (Bizarrohawks showed that last week) as long as you get two and those two starts put up solid numbers. 

But none of that matters, because a Mika Zibanejed might forever be immortalized with a massive week, Drew Stafford might rekindle his sniper ways for just one week.  You just don’t know.  There is no can’t.  Or won’t.  Or impossible.  If you believe, impossible is nothing. 

Good luck this week gentlemen.  Immortality awaits.

Playoff Eulogy: 3rd and Luongo to go

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to 3rd and Luongo to go.

3rd and Luongo to go – RIP 2015

These eulogies are about real people losing real things.  But how can you do a eulogy for a team run by this….thing:

This team is basically on auto pilot; every week, the line combination with the most games played is started.  Never respond to trade offers, never respond to banter, auto post a random league comment to convince us the team is not run by the Borg.  Somehow, with that strategy, this team made the playoffs.  Which means almost half the league did worse than an idiot simple formula.   Actually, when I put it that way, surprised this team didn’t do better.

This really isn’t a eulogy in my mind, it is a celebration of the fact that some real humans can beat the machine.  A few years ago, that wasn’t as certain, as this team made the Anze Cup finals.  Can you imagine that?  If this team had won, what would even be the point in playing?

Somewhere deep inside that machination above is GM Mike Gaunt, who is really only in the league so he has something to do between the NFL and MLB seasons, because NASCAR and the PGA Tour are only half the week, and his fantasy NBA team is looked at in the morning.  So basically, he is a compulsive gambler.   I applaud his style, and his propensity towards minority NHL players.  It helps the rest of us feel like silicon valley millionaire liberal elitists with free consciences.  Keep it up.  I look forward to how much you will over value Roberto Luongo next year.

Playoff Eulogy: Super Sperm

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre pays his respects to Super Sperm.

Super Sperm – RIP 2015

This weeks performance by Super Sperm was outright embarrassing.  The #2 seed was a clear favorite despite what that prick Joe MaGrath recently predicted.  

Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble built quite an impressive team this season.  It was loaded with multiple 30 goal scorers and soon to be 70 point players.  Schauble was even active at the trade deadline, securing goaltending depth to support his hopeful run towards Lord Anze.  His first round result?  An 11-2 drubbing at the hands of the Everett Silvertips.  

This match was never close.  Super Sperm was shooting blanks.  It was as though Tips GM Court Watson performed a 7 day vasectomy on Schauble and it wasn't using today’s no scalpel, no needle procedure.  Watson chose to do things the old fashion way, leaving Schauble with a limp dick, multiple stitches and a scrotum that'll be black and blue for weeks.  Watson will be watching this year’s Masters tournament live from Augusta National.  Schauble will be watching it on TV from his couch while wearing an athletic supporter to hold his ice pack in place.  And since he shoots blanks, he won’t need the cup.  Which is good, because he still doesn’t have one.  A cup, that is.

Good luck with your recovery, Schauble.  Perhaps you should consider a name change for next season.

JLP