The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well. Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen. Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching. So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.
Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up. I am never wrong.
Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort. In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates. This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it. The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)). One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer. To live. He is super old. Prediction: Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.
Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net. While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet). Don’t think this year will be pretty. Prediction: 13th, also know as second last.
Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:
From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed. Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade. Prediction: 12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen
Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively. Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team. It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses. Prediction: 11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.
Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age. Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark. Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual. Prediction: In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th. Also a career best finish.
Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete. Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM. You suck Court. Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.
ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team. I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate. Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year. That would sum up this team. Prediction: 8th. Eeeks into playoffs. Promptly loses.
Pistol’s Hellcats – Old. And mediocre. No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year). This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done. How about Cory Conacher. Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team. Well done Pete (and Steve). Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst. See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much. Prediction: 7th. Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.
Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team. Pretty far actually. Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive. Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce. Prediction: 6th. Still not very good, but great for Fatty.
Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year. However, I think that strategy backfired this year. While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league. There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec. The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg. PEG CITY. Prediction: 5th. Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.
Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense. Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up. Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start. Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well. Prediction: 4th. Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.
Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season. Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie. Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good. However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season. Prediction: 3rd. Howard fucks this team, eventually.
Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns! Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida. Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly. Prediction: 2nd. Annoying everyone.
Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year. Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season. Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup. Prediction: 1st. Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.
Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters. Also, remember to pay. If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.
