A new Anze Cup Champion

First, happy Easter;

She has such a great personality

What a Cup.  It came down the last day, and as seems to be the recurring trend, the oldest goaltender in the final took a break mentally the last week and completely fucked over its team.  This year, it was Anzoolander on the losing end.  Pistol’s Hellcats, in it’s second finals in four years, took home it’s first Anze Cup and showed that this team is a continuing force to reckon with, and not one of the loser teams who have never won a cup. 

And now, a note from Pistol’s Hellcats GM Pete Shpak, on his win:

As the 2014 champion of the coveted Anze Cup, I am humbled and honored.  I would like to take this moment to thank employee #250822 for all you do to make this league what it is...I would also like to say you suck; Not only did you not make the playoffs, you went 0-3 in picking the outcome of the all mighty Hellcats. I would also like to thank my opponent for a valiant match.and for trading me the player that provided me with a shutout this final week...that must sting a little.  Miller really fucked you. 

I respect all of you greatly for the continued support of this elite league and I will treat the cup like the brother I never had over the next year. 

And I will store it on a low shelf so I can reach it easily. 

Thank you gentlemen.

Thanks all for a great season.  As a reminder, everyone can now trade to their hearts content in the offseason (pending commissioner approval, of course) and look for the draft lottery results and awards nominations coming out in the next couple of weeks.

Also, for future seasons, I strongly recommend you don’t get a crew from China to give you fantasy hockey strategy; they don’t have much hockey there and unlike intellectual property, you can’t steal the Anze Cup.  Nice Chandler Bing smile.

Until next time.

JM

It All Comes Down to This

Here we are.  The Anze Cup Finals.  The holy grail of fantasy sports.  Coveted by all, obtained by so few.  Last week saw a shocking turn of events, with the Blackhawks looking like they were in the finals as we went to bed Sunday night (some of us, named Jesse, with Paymon) only to have a STAT CORRECTION CHANGE A MATCH SO DRAMATICALLY THAT PISTOL’S HELLCATS MADE THE FINALS.  I don’t know about anyone else, but the first thing I thought when I saw on Monday that Blackhawks had been eliminated was “holy shit.”

Which brings us to a conversation had between two GMs in this league on March 19, 2014;

Pete Shpak:  Stop the league, I win.

Court Watson:  I think Cook will win actually.  Did they have enough booster seats at the restaurant so that you were able to get one and sit at the same height as normal sized people?

And now, here we are, Anzoolander versus Pistol Hellcats.  Jesse Cook versus the guy who has hero-worshipped Cook since he first gazed at Cook’s massive chin at the Boathouse, Pete Shpak.   Let’s take a look at the matchup:

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 4.  Anzoolander – The Hellcat’s snuck into the finals by the skin of their teeth, and really didn’t have a significant challenge on the road to the Cup.  Anzoolander had what was expected to be a battle this past week, but a dominating performance coupled with some managerial mistakes by Super Sperm made for a bit of a yawner.    Due to the Hellcat’s not expecting to be in the finals, they failed to make a roster change, which was moving their hottest player into the active roster.  This could be key, as the Hellcat’s offense was asleep last week.  That, coupled with an active roster spot being used on a player sitting out the remainder of the season, and absolutely terrible goaltenders, makes Pistol’s Hellcats the heavy underdog in this matchup.  

When you look at this matchup in detail, the first thing that jumps out at you is that the Hellcats have no players whose teams are on the playoff bubble and will be playing with wild abandon to make the playoffs.  On the other hand, Columbus, Dallas and Detroit are all fighting for the last playoff spots in their conferences, and Anzoolander has 4 active players from those teams.  In my mind, that will be the difference maker, and that will push Anzoolander and GM Jesse Cook into immortality as an Anze Cup Champion.  That, and his team is way more talented than Pistol’s Hellcats.

Prediction:  Anzoolander loses its Anze Cup virginity the right way, with a win, and Pistol Hellcat’s goes home after being abused for a sloppy second time.  Anzoolander wins, 8-4.  But don’t worry, the shrine with Jesse, with voodoo dolls and all, will still go up at Pete’s new place at Canvas by Omni (it was a non-negotiable part of his recent engagement, from what I am told).

Good luck gentlemen, and god speed.

JM

The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.