Hello all! I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season. My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.
Lets get right to it. As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.
1. Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team. Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll! Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!
2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.
3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.
4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.
Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.
5. Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department. Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason. And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do. As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….
6. Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body! There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate). My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season. Write that down.
7. Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories. Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts. Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S” You suck Court.
8. Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring. Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.
9. The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone? When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.
10. Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying. I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before. Okay, I lied. I haven’t.
11. Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason. Idiot.
12. Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off. When your first born is in high school, but still.
13. Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off. GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).
14. Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it. Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression. Case in point: Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton. At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild. Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.
