The draft is just a few hours away and already the air is electric, like my personality. We have had one of the busier off-seasons in league history, primarily because the entire league doesn’t want Milton Icehawks GM Court Watson to win again. And he licks balls.
Some of the trades this offseason have been good, some have been hilariously bad. Lets take a look at the teams this year and a prediction of the year to come.
Milton Icehawks – Last year’s roster brings back a very young core of keepers and has four picks in the first two rounds to build out the rest of the team. The key to success last year was picking up players coming off down years in the draft, but that is going to be harder this year as more GMs appear to finally be paying attention to this league. GM Court Watson is still a huge dick, so nothing is new there. On hearing that he licks balls, Court logically replied, “I may lick balls, but at least I don’t hunt dick.”
Prediction: Given the competitive nature of this league and the general jealousy malice directed toward this specific team and GM, I don’t believe they have a realistic shot at a three peat, and will be on the losing end of a first round playoff route.
Super Sperm – Co-managed by Sean Stock last year, this team went from horrible to decent under the new management. Problem is, that management is gone, similar to Pekka Rinne’s shine. It is always enjoyable seeing what GM Ryan Schauble will do given his blatant biases that only he doesn’t realize he has. Kudos on his first trade of the season, ditching Jeff Carter for a draft pick. A draft pick, I might add, that is about two rounds higher than players with similar output to Jeff Carter will go for in this year’s draft.
Prediction: This team will start strong out of the gates, but with a combination of conservatism and confirmation bias, this team will fizzle come playoff time with a exit in the Anze Cup semifinals.
Bizzarohawks – After a promising season last year, kicked off this season with the following correspondence from GM Scott Freeland:
“How do I see my fucking roster again?”
And before I can respond:
“Never mind I found the fucking button.”
If this is his first correspondence, I cannot tell you how excited I am. Nobody can entertain with angry rants like Scott can, and they have been absent for too long.
There was when he made this famous rant, which isn’t even his best.
“I started the season in last place and somehow remained there and despite trades, picking up, and dropping players, it really didn’t seem to matter! I figured the reigning league champion was right there next to me so it’s not all bad. Well, after a few key trades and religiously watching stat tracker like a complete loser last year's champ, Court “Bill Nye” Watson, made his way to the top while I sat in the cellar wondering how my team could suck ass week in and week out.”
I like the effort Scott has put in, I like that it is starting to pay off, and I like he kicked off the season with a stupid fucking trade. Welcome back Mr. Freeland.
Prediction: Another year with a big run, and this year it almost pays off. A loss in the Anze Cup finals leads to a epic Freeland tirade and we all live happily ever after.
Captain Chinese – I had to actually call Yahoo! support when I saw this team finished fourth last year. I think this team is terrible, and that is already considering this year’s draft, because GM Bert Fong is horrible at this.
Prediction: Captain Chinese exits in the first round after somehow backing into the playoffs and continuing to defy logic.
Flowers In The Cage – Finished fifth, and even though GM Cole Ballard is one of the three original GMs, he was flummoxed at the draft process, which hasn’t changed in three years. Not a great omen for this season. Hopefully this team competes this year, but I think the current team as is is in the sunset of its career; Cole tends to manage his team like it is a fantasy football team, which means few trades until the last ditch playoff push, and holds on to the juggernauts too long. Might work in fantasy football, where one trade happens per year and the outcome of the league is pretty much set at the draft because it is stupid (my team sucks and I am bitter, FYI), but it doesn’t work here.
Prediction: Flowers In The Cage is golfing come late March.
Kanucks – Congratulations to GM Dave Kitchen on have a healthy baby girl this month, this league will be that much harder with two kids I am told. I would make jokes about Dave and doubling his odds of being a grandpa in the next 14 years, but he has more estrogen in him than a serial killer and gets easily offended and fails to understand where the joke is directed, so I won’t. This team benefited mightily from the great sell-off of 2013 by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, and has a roster full of young talent that, with a couple of good draft picks, could almost make up for the fact that this team has no goalies, even though goalies account for 35% of all points.
Prediction: Kanucks take the President’s Trophy, make it to the Anze Cup semifinals, and lose convincingly.
Not Poodle!!! – Matt Welsh made arguably the worst trade I have ever seen in my life this offseason. He traded two draft picks for old balls and mediocre balls. Then he tried to drop one of the people he traded for, after the deadline. I think we already have our Eugene Adams award winner. Well done.
Prediction: Has this team ever made the playoffs before? Seems like nobody would even notice. This year, they finish first last.
Anzoolander – GM Jesse Cook is desperate to win at something, anything, as he thinks it might no longer be cool to talk Burnett possible (it stopped being cool 2 years after he graduated). Made a deadly move in acquiring Steven Stamkos, but gave up some talent to do so. However, in giving up talent, he diversified his team among more real NHL teams, which is rule #42.a in Court Watson’s guide to dominate fantasy hockey (kept under lock and key at all times, except when Court is taking a shit, then it is being read). The draft will be key for this team, as they desperately need a goalie that isn’t awful or on an awful team. Right now this team has one goalie who is both awful and on an awful team. Luckily, Jesse is a realtor, and like his days as a model, so far it is pro bono and he has tons of free time, so he will be focused on this league six hours a day.
Prediction: This is the year. He might sell his entire team in the future, but Cook gets the goalie he needs to allow him to lift the Anze Cup.
Texans – Another year, another first overall pick. What a Jew GM Chris Thomas is. Lets see if he screws it up and drafts Mackinnon. This team has keepers whose names everyone recognizes, but I can’t see wanting any of them. I can’t explain it, I like each player, but for some reason fantasy wise they just aren’t as valuable.
Prediction – Somehow this team makes the playoffs and gets the first overall pick, despite that being technically impossible.
Halifax Highlanders – Love the new team name, and like the team. I think a good draft can push this team into the upper echelons of the league and be a force to reckon with. This team even has a spoke person who did a rant on how the Halifax Highlanders are going to lay the beat down on all teams in the league based out of Vancouver (in weather metaphors, naturally)
Prediction – A promising season is cut short in the first round of the playoffs. Sad face.
Pistol’s Hellcats – Rumor is GM Pete Shpak is going to draft only goalies and force others to trade. That has been Chicago Blackhawks strategy since they joined the league. Has worked out well for them.
Prediction - If Pete is that dumb, which I don’t think he is, then this team misses the playoffs. If Pete is smart, this team could make a run for the Cup. I go with the former.
Jesse Loves Paymon – When someone hands you a gift, despite every attempt to fuck it up, it is pretty hard to fuck it up. GM Steve McIntyre laughed hysterically at Not Poodle!!! after robbing them, and laughed even more at Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook going ape shit, dumbfounded by the trade even existing. I admit, I chuckled a bit at that too.
Prediction – Playoffs. Just Kidding.
Chicago Blackhawks – Like a public university, this team is taking on lessor talent because they of their racial profile. While I applaud dealing Stamkos finally in hopes of getting better, I would have expected several additional picks in the upcoming draft to turn one player into two or three, instead of turning two players into two players who, combined, will have relatively the same output.
Prediction: There is no affirmative action in this league and therefore you will not advance based on the color of your team. Maybe Tiger Woods will give this team some lessons.
Me So Vyborny – The worst team by record, and second worst by management (JLP takes first worst there). Going to need a couple drafts to make an impact, and to not listen to Cole anymore.
Prediction – Will be solely focused on real hockey come the end of our regular season.
Good luck tonight gentlemen. Test your systems to make sure they work now.
