The Polls are Open

That is right, it is time to vote for the prestigious awards bestowed by our league.  And unlike Barrack Obama, we won’t have Black Panther members sitting outside voting booths ready to beat the shit out of you if you vote the wrong way. 

Lets get to the nominees

Jack Adams Award

This award is given to the GM adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success. 

Cole Ballard is nominated only because he finds himself the owner of a team on an incredible run.  Cole Ballard attempts to make his case, and I am not sure if I get there: “I drafted Backstrom over Stamkos, kept Grabner instead of Backstrom (the goalie), drafted Brodeur over Quick, and traded away Semin for a bag of rocks.”  Voters will have to decide, should this award be for short term success or building a long term solid core?  This team arguably doesn’t have six keepers and may be looking to the draft for a lot, I mean A LOT, of help next year.  Luckily, GM Cole Ballard has got two first round picks in his back pocket.

Dave Kitchen has turned a bottom feeding team into a solid contender, but a team that didn’t have all the pieces to win it all.  Still, it was an impressive turnaround, though without a draft pick until the fourth round next year, I am having a tough time seeing this team back in the playoffs next year.

Court Watson led his team to a President’s Trophy and an Anze Cup finals appearance, his first since 2008.  The Everett Silvertips are the only team of all fourteen teams to never miss the playoffs, and in the process of building the team with the best record for the year, Court also has two draft picks in the first round and two draft picks in the second round of next season’s draft; the most of any team in the league.  One would think this would give this team every opportunity to be in the playoffs again next year, but Court is known to be horrible at drafting a team so that is really a crapshoot.

Eugene Adams Award

This award is given to the GM who had the least to do with his team's success, or made the biggest impact in preventing them from being successful. Named after Jack's retarded step brother who couldn't say no to a cool glass of antifreeze.

The first is Ryan Schauble, who took his team from first in the regular season standings to easily the worst team this league has ever seen.  Will one first round pick fix it?  I doubt it.  But, he held on to his keepers all season, so they should be back and finishing 14th again next year.   Well timed, aggressive moves this year.  Just awful

Pete Shpak or Pistol’s Hellcats traded away his best player for an average goalie behind a good, but aging hockey team.  He then lost four of five goalie categories on his way to a first round exit.  Pretty open and shut case.

Matt Meier had a team firing on all cylinders sitting atop of the standings.  His actions subsequent to that remind me of the worst coach in the NFL, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, in that he did exactly what Pete Carroll does in at the half way point and ensures an easy, embarassing lose; he made zero adjustments.  Meanwhile, the rest of the league adapted and evolved and as result, Me So Vyborny went from first to missing the playoffs.  Just terrible.

Andy Kordyban Award (a.k.a "The Duke of Fantasy Hockey trophy")

This prestigious award can be given out for several reasons, because like its namesake, this trophy covers so many areas.  Should it go to Jesse Cook or Bert Fong for their clusterfuck of trades that resulted in no real improvement in teams or draft picks?  Or maybe to Ryan Schauble for the most amazing job of destroying a fantasy team ever?  What about Crosby’s Concussions for the hilarious amount of injuries to a team that was actually pretty good, and the fact he trade raped the shit out of Pete Shpak?  My personal choice maybe Scott Freeland, who traveled to Phoenix during the semifinals to cheer on Mike Smith and Keith Yandle.  Why is that Duke like?  Because of on key reason; he went by himself, a classic Duke move.  The people shall decide.

Happy voting all.

On the Cusp of Immortality

This is it, what every team has worked towards, and only two teams get a shot at; the chance to hold the Anze Cup high above their heads, and celebrate a crowning achievement.  For most, winning the Anze Cup is considered the greatest day of their lives.

Before we look at the final match, lets do a quick recap of the the Anze Cup semifinal matches.

1. Everett Silvertips over 6. Bizzarohawks

It was a great run for the Bizzarohawks, but in the end, the team went cold at the worst time.  GM Scott Freeland even went to Phoenix, by himself, to cheer on his goaltender, insert generic name here, but it wouldn’t be enough.  Still, it was a great run of this upstart and has to be a positive note for a team that historically struggles in this league.

5.  Flowers in the Cage over 2.  Kanucks

Wow, what an upset.  I mean seriously, wow.  Despite the bad goaltending that was predicted, Flowers in the Cage had a mammoth week offensively, and it was enough to hold off another great performance by the Kanucks.  It looked like it was going to be Kanucks year, and GM Dave Kitchen would be able to hold his head high without name dropping Ryan Blair (who the fuck cares?) or perfecting the humblebrag.  When you say “not bragging, just saying” bragging is exactly what you are doing.  It is kinda like me saying I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I reported your Facebook account as spam.  I actually mean to be an asshole, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Here we are, but before we get to the final, a vignette of past Anze Cup winners and what it means to them:

What the Anze Cup means…

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Flowers In The Cage (Season series 17-12 for Everett Silvertips)

This is a Anze Cup of firsts.  It is the first time two of the original three teams have competed in the finals.   It is also the first time GM Cole Ballard has taken a team to the finals as his teams have always fallen short have finished third a record three times.  You have a team in Everett Silvertips that is struggling offensively and a team in Flowers in the Cage with awful goaltending.   I expect this matchup to be close.  Flowers in the Cage has more games to be played, but relies on fewer NHL teams to do so; a slow week for either team could hurt them.  On the other hand, Everett Silvertips decided to start 3 players from one of the lowest goal scoring teams in the league.  In deciding who wins, really the only thing to fall back on is the empirical data.  Both team’s offensive units have to turn around at some point, which would give the upper hand to the Silvertips.  Hell, it is the Anze Cup playoffs, and either team could win easily or scratch and claw one out.  That is why I love this game.

Prediction:  Everett Silvertips becomes the first President’s Trophy winner to hoist the Anze Cup since 2005, winning 7-5-4.

Good luck to both teams.  Glory awaits.

Where the Air is Crisp

Only four teams remain as we enter the semifinals.  As a testament to how difficult it is to get here we only need to compare the four teams to last year.  Only one team from last year’s final four made the final four this year, and the other three didn’t even make the playoffs at all last year.   Congrats gentlemen on making it this far and elevating yourselves above all others, where the air is crisp.

Let us look back on the first round matchups, on which my predictions where 2-2, though just barely, and were almost 4-0

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon

Steve giving some tips to his team before the games on Sunday

I predicted an upset, and if GM Steve McIntyre wasn’t the biggest idiot on the planet, that probably would have happened.  Leaving an empty starting roster spot is inexcusable, which is totally supported by Steve’s idiotic excuse;

“I was on vacation.”

This is an idiotic excuse for multiple reasons.  First, being on vacation means you have even more time to look at this while you drink your beverage of choice each evening (with Steve, I am guessing rye and Coke Zero).  Second, Steve owns a smartphone, and a smartphone built for idiots, so he could have set his lineup on his phone.  Third, he picked up a player to put in the roster spot while on vacation, which means he did actually have time, he was just an idiot.  Jussi Jokinen tore it up on Sunday, and his numbers would have given JLP the victory.  Instead, Steve is an idiot and the clear, CLEAR, front runner for the Eugene Adams award.

Somewhere, right now, Jesse Cook is thanking his lucky stars that his drafting Jimmy Howard on accident in the first round is being replaced as the stupidest move in this league’s history.

2. Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander

Really nothing to see here, other than I was off a tad; I predicted 10-4, it was 9-4.  Kanucks are still on fire and the clear front runner.  GM Jesse Cook failed to get out of the first round yet again, making it three years in a row.  I would recommend he change his team name to Zoolechkin, as it is probably better to compare himself to a loud-mouthed show-boater who can’t clutch up in the playoffs, versus a phenom who lets his play do all the talking.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 6. Bizarrohawks

I said this match would be close and Pistol’s Hellcats would come back to win on Sunday.  They didn’t.  Shitty goaltending let Pistol’s Hellcasts down.  With 17 seconds left in the final game for players on either team, and a tie score (with Pistol’s Hellcat’s holding the second tie breaker), David Legwand scored an empty net power play goal, and Pistol Hellcat’s fantasy season came to an end similar to how Taylor Hall’s actual season did:

Buh bye.

See you next year Pistol Taylor.

4. Clarence Swampton vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage

Another one I got right, Keeper Luongo failed miserably, and so did Clarence Swampton.  Ironically, a shutout by the Flower against Philly on the last day would have eliminated Flowers in the Cage, but that didn’t happen.  The hotter team prevailed.

Let us now turn the the similar finals on the road to the Anze Cup.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 6. Bizzarohawks (Season series: 20-6 for the Everett Silvertips)

Bizzarohawks are hot, but I don’t think they are hot enough.  Everett Silvertips led the league in scoring during the quarterfinals without real contributions from two key players, Tyler Seguin and Ilya Kovalchuk, and an injury to another, Taylor Hall.  Any life from either of those three makes this team hard to beat, and the Bizzarohawks goaltending has been suspect as of late.  It was good enough to win last week against a team with awful goaltending (Re: Jimmy’s Journey), but Mike Smith will have to step it up this week.

Prediction:  Like all playoff matches, this will be close, but the Silvertips advance, winning 8-5-3

2.  Kanucks vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage (Season series: 10-3 for Flowers in the Cage)

I was going to do a write up, but then was surprised how easy it was to find a video of a lamb being slaughtered, so I just linked to that:

Lamb = Flowers in the Cage

Prediction:  Kanucks keep steamrolling into the Anze Cup finals, 10-2-4.

Good luck gentlemen.

So It Begins

Why we are here.

 

We have four new teams this year in the playoffs, and the teams that won their conferences last year finished dead last and second dead last.  To those that made it, congratulations.  To those that did not.  You suck.  Seriously.  You are bad.  Let’s looks at the first round matchups.

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon (Season Series: 16-10 for the Everett Silvertips)

Everett Silvertips come in fresh off claiming the President’s Trophy while Jesse Loves Paymon sneaks in losing three of the last five weeks and with 8 players either DTD or on IR.  There are only five statistical categories that Jesse Loves Paymon outperformed the Everett Silvertips in this year.  Everything points to a certain first round victory for the Everett Silvertips, except for the curse of the dead presidents.  Yes, I just made that up.

The last time the President’s Trophy winner won this league was 2005.  The last time the President’s Trophy winner got out of the first round alive was 2008, and that was because it was a bye (though later, Everett Silvertips’ GM Court Watson’s old franchise, Ottawa HC would lose in the final).  There is no reason, besides logic, which means nothing, to assume it won’t happen again.

Prediction:  JLP moves on in a Cinderella victory, 7-6-3.

2.  Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander (Season Series: 18-9 for the Kanucks)

If anyone witnessed what happened this week, the Kanucks put up arguably the best single week performance in the season, if not in league history.  They are firing on all cylinders like the 2007 New England Patriots, and Anzoolander is going to have to come out firing to keep up.  It looks like Jonathan Toews may come back just in time to tee it up with the rest of Anzoolander after this coming week. 

Prediction:  Kanucks continue the torrid pace and are the clear Anze Cup favorite, winning handily 10-4-2.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 8.  Bizarrohawks (Season Series: 13-13)

This will be an interesting matchup and the winner will almost assuredly be decided by goaltending, with each team struggling in that area as of late.  Big concern for Pistol’s Hellcats is that they may live and die by the Ottawa Senators.  A slow week, and the offense might struggle.  This will be an interesting matchup to watch, as the winner is a toss up and either team can make a long run in the playoffs.  In the end, I think I like Pistol’s Hellcats’ goaltending better, and they move on to the next round.

Prediction:  Pistol’s Hellcats come back on Sunday to win 8-5-3.

4.  Clarence Swampton vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage (Season Series: 15-12 for Clarence Swampton)

It is the the real life Flower in the cage versus the team Flowers in the Cage.   Their teams line up eerily similar, even down to the pair of French-Canadian goalies.  Flowers in the Cage in the hotter team, and I like them to move on in this matchup.

Prediction:  Martin Brodeur finally fucks Clarence Swampton, and Flowers in the Cage moves on 9-3-4.

If anyone has any questions of tie breakers or reseeding, don’t waste your time asking me, I have no fucking idea.  Good luck gentlemen.

Power Rankings: Week 21

The most unique thing about this year?  It is the first year where the playoff picture isn’t in flux daily.  Maybe the 9th or 10th seed can sneak in, but it isn’t nearly as close as last year.  Keep an eye on Jesse Loves Paymon, Flowers in the Cage and Me So Vyborny, as they will be fighting over the last two playoff spots.  Lets look at who is looking good heading into the playoffs and who might potentially be making trades prior to the deadline to give themselves a better chance at immortality.

1. Kanucks (3) – Team continues to role benefiting from the trade rape mentioned last week.  Has to be the frontrunner come playoff time.

2. Bizzarohawks (9) – Huge week last week to vault into the top four in the standings.  I said I liked the direction of this team a few weeks ago, and I for one would not want to seem them in the first round.

3. Everett Silvertips (2) – This team seems to meander along without any dominating performances, and lost a key part of this team in Tuukka Rask to injury for all the playoffs.  I fully expect to see this all but certain President’s Trophy winner making a first round exit in the tradition we have become accustomed to.

4. Clarence Swampton (7) – Big win when it was needed.  Other teams should be worried about seeing this team in the playoffs if the goalies are hot.

5. Anzoolander (12) – Got screwed out of a win last week, and is holding on for dear life.  With Toews and Downie banged up and Ryan Miller a mental liability, I don’t know if this team will get past their franchise best first round of the playoffs.  GM Jesse Cook is managing like rookie using the active roster for players on IR.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Anyone else watching Howard getting hurt every few weeks and wondering if this team has any resiliency whatsoever?  Heaven help this team in the first round if Carey Price has a good week.

7. Flowers in the Cage (4) – Bad loss this past week after Cole Ballard touted himself as a Jack Adams candidate for his comeback, lets see if he jinxed himself enough to get knocked out of the playoffs completely.

8. Me So Vyborny (5) – Impressive last week.  Can’t recall seeing that much offense being offset so well by that bad of goaltending to lose.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Not only did this team lose when it needed to win, it lose with awful numbers.   If this team sneaks into the playoffs, it may be like a bye round for its opponent.

10. Not Poodle (8) – Making a last ditch run at making the playoffs, but it may be to little to late.  What surprised me most about this team is that it had made the playoffs before.

11. Captain Chinese (10) – How has this team ever made the playoffs?

12. Texans (11) – I guess it really doesn’t make sense for a bunch of Texans to be in the playoffs.  They can’t even skate.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13) – For anyone who forgot about this, www.kateuptondancing.com cures all fantasy blues, even being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs with the regular season still in process.

14. Super Sperm (14) – Also mathematically eliminated, and overall, a depressing year for this defending President’s Trophy team.  Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson hopes this isn’t the start of a new tradition, but then starts laughing and realizes it is because Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble is awful at Fantasy Hockey.

Playoff predictions next week.  Good luck gentlemen.

JM