Power Rankings: Week 15

If you click on the advertisement at the right of this column, the fantasy gods will shower you with role players careering it through the rest of the season.

If there was ever a season that clearly showed you are never guaranteed a playoff spot, nor do you have no shot at making it, this is it. There have been some dramatic reversals of fortune in this league and I am willing to bet the teams that are most active prior to the trade deadline will be in the hunt for the Anze Cup come the spring. Let’s take a look at the teams and how they rank this week.

1. Everett Silvertips (2) – I doubt this will last, this team caught the plague of injuries from being so close to Crosby’s Concussions all week long. Says GM Court Watson of the voodoo curse of being placed #1 in the power rankings, “oh shit….”

2. Flowers in the Cage (3) – Hoping nobody really notices, this team is creeping up into a playoff spot, and doing it by beating 3 of the top 4 teams in the league (in standings, not in power rankings). Teetering on the edge of the playoff picture with a soft schedule, this team could easily see an Anze Cup finals appearance if they get hot. Annnnnnddddd there is the jinx.

3. Kanucks (4) – Players slowly coming back off IR has benefited this team that is poised to make a run down the stretch. Only thing between this team and certain victory is their GM.

Sidenote: ask his father-in-law about Dave’s fantasy hockey skills; you will learn where Steve gets his silent laugh from.

4. Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – And just like that, this team is in the current playoff picture. The benefactor of playing teams decimated by injuries to be sure, but the performances were still marginally strong, and strong enough to move from last to in the hunt.

5. Clarence Swampton (9) – The hottest team in the league…be afraid.

6. Not Poodle (13.b) – I don’t really care what I rank the teams between 6 and 13, they are all equally close to as bad as 14.

7. Super Sperm (13.a) – Blames his team on his kids..what a loser.

8. Bizzarohawks (8) – Back to losing. To the last place team (cue the sound they play when you lose in the Price is Right, and the crowd groaning).

9. Captain Chinese (6) – You suck Bert. Your team sucks. You also suck. How did those moves last week work out for you?

10. Anzoolander (Previous: 1) – Decimated by injuries, and not nice ones. The curse of #1 in the power rankings is still going strong.

11. Texans (10) – I can’t remember the last time I looked at this team, it just baffles me they aren’t better.

12. Me So Vyborny (5) – Wheels are not flying off for this team, they are exploding, just like those tires that used to be on Ford Trucks. Has lost 7 of the last 8 weeks including the past 6 straight. Here is a tip to GM Matt Meier: if you want to passively manage something, get a retirement fund.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13.c) – Does a picture better define a team in this league than this one?

14. Pistol Hellcats (14) – Hahahaha, look at this roster; a bunch of sell highs that have cooled off (Smyth, Weiss, Michalek) and a bunch of sell highs now before they suck balls again return to historic means (Gustavsson, Bertuzzi, Williams, Bolland, Cole). Of course GM Pete Shpak sold Daniel Sedin when he was high for low, which made everyone laugh. Meanwhile, Peter Mueller is like a golfer with a new driver and everything is sweet; until his brain turns to Jell-O again from a faint breeze hitting him.

New Rule Change

With a vote of 8-5 for, the rookie rule has passed and will be effective for the upcoming (2012-13) season. Keep this in mind; if you trade away your fourth pick, you don’t get to keep a rookie. If you have two fourth picks, you only get to keep one rookie. Also, you don’t have to keep a rookie if you don’t want to.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 14

If you click on the advertisement at the right of this column, the fantasy gods will shower you with short handed points.

1.  Anzoolander (Previous: 1) – Offense is churning while goaltending is starting to heat up.  Injuries are starting to be concern, as this team has picked up players GM Jesse Cook used to laugh at (“Benoit Pouliot…LOL, you suck Court”).  Toughest decision this team faces on a weekly basis is to start the Wall or Jaroslav Halak.  I think based on the nicknames alone, that decision is super easy.

2.  Everett Silvertips (2) – First in goaltending, third in offense, young, and relatively unscathed by the injury bug as this team heads into the weaker side of the schedule.  This team has all the makings of a President’s Trophy and the shitty side of a first round upset against….

3. Flowers in the Cage (7) – That’s right!  This team dealt Everett Silvertips just their third loss of the year thanks to some timely PIMs by James Neal (is there any question he is more valuable when Crosby is hurt)?  This team has quietly put up a strong showing since the halfway point, going 42-35 and moving within 8 points of a playoff spot.  Additionally, this team has leapfrogged over 5 teams when looking at average ranking in all league scoring categories.  This week will be a good barometer of future successes.  Congratulations GM Cole Ballard, on winning the Lucky Lager (I wish they were on sponsor) Team of the Week this week .

4. Kanucks (4) – If the top teams right below this one didn’t look so goddamn awful, I would have put the Cuntfaces Kanucks lower.  Needed a miraculous night from a player to tie a team currently not even in the playoffs is sad.

5.  Me So Vyborny (3) – Way to must 6 points last week.  Any team that can only put up six points with ten players over 20 or so hockey games should never be considered good.  Ever.  Use your IR roster spot and pick up someone or something to make up for Sharp hurting his back carrying this sorry bunch.

6.  Captain Chinese (5) – You suck Bert.  Your team sucks.  You also suck.  Congratulations on a new baby boy, who is already better at fantasy hockey than you.  Those free agency moves are totally not an absurd over reactionary move after getting rocked…it is almost like you are the U.S. Government.

7. Jesse Loves Paymon (10) – Quietly moving in the right direction, only losing once since week 10 and only by one category.  Big matchup this weekend against Anzoolander, in which JLP GM Steve McIntyre prophesized, “(Jesse Cook) is going down faster than (he) does on Paymon.”  That was pretty good, but not as good as Mr. Cook’s response; “Steve is pregnant with Paymon’s child.”  Looking at Steve, I am guessing he is at 28 weeks or so.  In all seriousness, did you know your brother-in-law owns an aerobic studio?  Also, good look on picking up and starting Ryan Suter.

8. Bizzarohawks (11) – A win!  A win!  Hopefully this stops the downward spiral.

9. Clarence Swampton (8) – You don’t move up for beating a team that has more people hurt than healthy.

10. Texans (7) – This is what is supposed to happen every week for this team.  Let’s see them do it against a better team, but I am not counting this team out.

13.a. Super Sperm (12) – Awful.  You suck.

13.b. Not Poodle (9) – So do you.

13.c.  Crosby’s Concussions (9) – At what point does GM Dave Dugan realize d-men are virtually worthless when compared to each other, are interchangeable and drops the four he has filling up his roster that don’t play a single game?

14.  Pistol Hellcats (14) – Dropped out of the top three in offense for the first time since week 7, and fell even further behind the team in front of him in goaltending categories.  The slide into withdrawal and depression as a result of receiving a hard trade rape has already begun.  I made a deal with GM Pete Shpak to only pick on teams that are at the bottom of the league, which is an odd deal for him to propose since he is right there.  What an idoit idiot, Pete.

Proposed Rule Change

As Super Sperm sucks something mighty and are obviously not going to make an impact the rest of this season, GM Ryan Schauble proposed a new rule, “The Rookie Rule” that the league will be voting on to implement next year.

The rule is pretty simple.  Each team, at the end of the season, may designate a player who will be a rookie going into next year or has just completed their rookie season in the NHL.  If a team choses to designate a player as such, they will be allowed to keep a seventh player but will forfeit their fourth round draft pick in the 2012-13 draft (and third round draft pick in 2013-14 and beyond).  This rule can be beneficial if you have someone like Tyler Seguin of last year, where his performance last year was poor, but the potential was there.

Some of you, especially those in the United States, might wonder what signifies a player’s “rookie year” as in the NHL, the first year you play might not actually constitute a rookie season. 

The NHL’s definition of a rookie is a player who has not played 25 games in any single preceding season nor six or more games in each of any two preceding seasons in any major professional league.  Also, the player must not be older than 26 years before September 15 of the season in question.

So, as an example, if Anzoolander wanted to keep Adam Henrique, who is in his first season in the NHL and has played over 25 games, GM Jesse Cook could implement the Rookie Rule for next season, but after that, he would have to use one of his six keeper spots for Henrique.  If another team were to pick up someone like Jonathan Huberdeau, who was drafted the same year of Henrique but currently in the minors, they could use the Rookie Rule for Huberdeau not only after this season but every season until he loses his status as  Rookie.  Make sense?  Of course it does.

Now for a league vote.  Please submit whether you are for or against the Rookie Rule to puckyourself at live dot com as soon as possible.

JM

Jimmy’s Journey: From an accidental 1st round draft pick to the subject of trade rape

How do I know when I have done my job related to this blog?  Fuck you, I don’t have to do anything.

Anyway, always glad to see contributions from League GMs.  Here is Crosby’s Concussion’s GM Dave Dugan reminiscing about his time with Jimmy Howard during his lunch hour.  He told me writing this got his creative juices flowing, felt refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day.  See what contributing can do?  And I let you do it for free.

“I felt compelled to blog about Jimmy Howard, who has been on my team since 2009. Jimmy has been the catalyst for some of the biggest news in Go Puck Yourself history, so here goes:

Jimmy Howard burst onto the Go Puck Yourself scene in 2009, when he was “accidentally” drafted #9 overall by GM Jesse Cook. Accident or not, Steve McIntyre summed it up best “that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. How he can make fun of me for not knowing how to use a computer after that stunt is beyond me. Jesse is a joke, or an idiot, or both. Yeah, he is a joke idiot.” Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for GM Jesse Cook in 2009, he drops Jimmy Howard, right before he becomes a star goaltender, for Brian Elliot (Editor’s note:  Please always refer to Elliot by his proper nickname, the Wall).  Mr. Howard was picked up off waivers by GM David Dugan. GM Jesse Cook’s drafting and dropping of Jimmy Howard were considered the #1 and #3 worst moves in fantasy hockey in 2009 as voted on by the committee, which consists of one egotistical maniac in Seattle (Editor’s note: we had a real vote with real GMs.  Those moves were awful.  Also, get it right; I am an egotistical asshole). 

As we entered the 2010 GPY draft the GM’s all watched with abated breath as GM Jesse Cook drafted #5 overall…….Henrik Sedin.  Nobody criticized that pick quite like Howard in 2009. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back by GM David Dugan who drafted him #30 overall; he fell 21 picks from 2009. Ironically enough, the #9 overall pick in 2010 was Daniel Sedin.

2011 ushered in new beginning in GPY history as the idea of keepers was introduced. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back as a keeper by GM David Dugan who entered the season a clear underdog thanks to Sidney Crosby’s concussion. On January 7^th , 2011 the trade heard round the world (at very least the trade heard about by 14 guys scattered throughout Western Canada, Seattle, Cleveland and Pittsburgh) occurred when Jimmy Howard was sent packing to Pistol’s Hellcats in return for Daniel Sedin. Jimmy Howard leads the league in wins (24), has a .924 save% and a 2.05 GAA. Howard is the Red Wing’s MVP so far and has blossomed into one of the best goaltenders in the NHL.  Daniel Sedin has 18 Goals, 29 Assists, a +15 rating and is on pace for 273 shots on goal and could be a contender for league MVP. Time will only tell how rapey this trade truly is (Editor’s note: super rapey).

GM David Dugan is sad to see Jimmy Howard go, as he was once thought to one of the building blocks of his team for years to come. GM David Dugan wishes Mr. Howard the best of luck in all of his future endeavors and would like to welcome Daniel Sedin, who along with Sid Crosby (when healthy) could be a powerful 1-2 punch in the years to come.”

Still laughing at the Joke Idiot.

Power Rankings: Week 13

There have been many famous rapes in history.  Britney Spears singing “I Love Rock and Roll” in Crossroads, Jesse Cook being bent over by Paymon..wait, that was consensual.  Anyway, the list goes on and on, and this week we get to add another rape to the list.  A trade rape.

Daniel Sedin is not even at his peak, he has a long career ahead of him.  He is the #1 ranked player in fantasy hockey.  You would think that any competent manager could trade him for almost anyone and get another player or two or improve a future draft.  At the very least, a fair trade is straight up for anyone. 

Instead, GM Pete Shpak dealt a crushing blow to the Hellcat’s and swapped him for Jimmy Howard.  On top of that, he GAVE AWAY a bag of marbles.  I am not kidding, Neuvirth is Czech for bag and Roloson is Ukrainian for marbles.  I looked it up.  It is true.

So this is a clearly a trade rape, but we will argue for minutes what kind of trade rape is it.  Is it a trade rape to protect the team and make everyone stronger like Mary MacGregor taking it in Rob Roy?  Or is it a trade like Bijou Phillips in Havoc with Anne Hathaway watching, where you almost think she did it for fun?  The argument may be never ending, but trade rape is still trade rape, and Pistol got trade raped.  Hard.

Let’s take a look at the power rankings this week, including what each manager said they would have given up for Daniel Sedin if GM Pete Shpak had not been shooting for the Eugene Adams award.  As always, these are actual quotes from actual GMs.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) - “I hate Vancouver, but I can’t say no to the best player in fantasy,  I would have given up Henrique, Benn and Halak for him, all keepers obv.”

2.  Everett Silvertips (4) - “Quick, Bernier and Mike Richards for Sedin.”

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) - “Patrick Sharp.  Wait, what?   Patrick Sharp is old and hurt?  Shoot, I don’t know then, how do I look at my team?  Do I still have Kessel?”

4.  Kanucks (6) - “Malkin and Lehtonen.  And a free crossfit foundation course.”  Ok, I made that last sentence up.

5.  Captain Chinese (5) – I didn’t ask GM Bert Fong, because there is nothing of value on this team.

6.  Not Poodle (9) – “Niemi and Keith, only because I am getting tired about Duncan talking about how Court is his best friend.”

7.  Flowers in the Cage (12) – “I would give up every Capital I have for Sedin, that is how desperate I am.  With my luck Sedin would blow out his knee first game I had him.”  Ahh, Eeyore.

8.  Clarence Swampton (11) – “Luongo and Schenn.”

9.  Crosby’s Concussions (9) – “Have you ever seen Scott Freeland when he wins and hand in Poker or sees extreme violence on television and laughs hysterically like a complete asshole?  I have done that at least once a day since this trade happened.”

10.  Jesse Loves Paymon (13) – “Ward and Marchand.  Maybe swap my 2nd for his 5th if he rejects the first offer.”

11.  Bizzarohawks (10) – “Lupul and Mike Smith.  Like I know what the fuck I am doing.”

12.  Super Sperm (14) – “I would give up Ovie, maybe swap some picks.  That trade was focking ghey.”

13.  Texans (7) – “Heatley and Vokoun.” 

14.  Pistol Hellcats (3) - “Pass the Vaseline, please.”

I just might turn off commenting so Pete can’t get the last word (drives him nuts). 

Side note: sucked in to all the teams that got dinged on pretty significant injuries this week, there were some doozies:

Me So Vyborny (Patrick Sharp, upper body, indefinite)

Everett Silvertips (Jeff Carter, separated shoulder, 4-6 weeks)

Jesse Loves Paymon (Marchand, suspended 5 games)

Captain Chinese (Eberle, knee, unknown)

Flowers In The Cage (James Neal, Foot, indefinite)

Not Poodle (Jordan Staal, Knee, 4-6 weeks)

Ouch.

Power Rankings: Week 12

Canada lost tonight because they suck.  Similar to Jesse Loves Paymon.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) – I am keeping this team here just to jinx them.  Is there anyone who thinks they actually belong here?  I thought so.  The team went to shit when GM Jesse Cook let his emotions get the best of him and dealt Eberle for Kane.  Boom.  Roasted.

2.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Just keeps churning along.  I don’t know what will stop them.  I wonder if GM Matt Meier knows his team is doing so well?

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (3) – I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I put this team any higher, because I strive to be as deadly accurate as I can on this list.  Also, know what team only has two games the first week of Puck You’s playoffs?  Yup, the Vancouver Canucks.  Pistol’s Hellcats, please exit stage left, and you are paying for the pole stains.

4.  Everett Silvertips (6) – This team might have alligator blood.  Statistically, not a very good team, but keeps either winning or keeping matches close.  The Carter trade hasn’t worked out, and GM Court Watson has considered taking the Black for his betrayal of his Grace, Joffrey (1% of you will get that).

5. Captain Chinese (4) – Other teams should be scared of this team, but only if they are in the top 6 in the power rankings.  Why?  Captain Chinese is 4-1 against the other 5 in the top 6.  If only this wasn’t a shitty team that loses to bottom feeders regularly, it might have an actual chance.

6. Kanucks (5) – Silvertips GM Court Watson tried to give Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen a heads up on how to use IR.  Said Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble, “Your job is to police collusion, not stupidity.”  Good point, nice Kessel trade, idiot.

7.  Texans (8) – I can’t tell if Texans GM Chris Thomas gets the nod as the Taco of this league.

8.  Crosby’s Concussions (10) – When Crosby is out Bylsma still makes his team a winner…what the fuck is your excuse?

9. Not Poodle (9) – GM Matt Welsh is my favorite right now for the Taco of this league.

10. Bizzarohawks (7) – Has taken a battering as of late as this team goes through the top teams in the league.  Not sure what this team can do to turn it around, but it definitely needs an offensive spark.

11. Clarence Swamption (14) – Watch this team, I am a little nervous about how they are quietly coming back.

12. Flowers In The Cage (12) – Took advantage of an injured team last week, looks to be holding its own this week against another good team. Dare I say comeback? I dare not.

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – GM Steve McIntyre loves his iPhone so much he doesn’t call it a phone, just an iPhone.  He had the following conversation with his iPhone’s voice assistance app, Siri, this past weekend.

Steve:  “What does my fantasy hockey team look like this week?”

Siri: “I don’t know, I have gone blind from looking at it it is so ugly”

Steve: “What can I do to fix it?”

Siri: “How can you fix a fantasy hockey team that looks as bad as Team Canada at the World Juniors.  What the fuck are you, the modern day sphinx?  What kind of riddle was that?”

Steve: “Good day, Siri.”

Siri: “Has anyone told you how ugly you are today. Mr. McIntyre?  Well, let me be the first.”

14.  Super Sperm (13) – Now statistically the worst team in the league.  Proving the regular season run of last year was a total and complete fluke.  P.S. Nice six week losing streak.