And We Are Back. Probably Not.

In what is the first, and probably last blog post of this season, I wanted to let all of you know that the draft has been configured and the keepers have been inserted.  It is your responsibility to view your keepers and picks in the draft to ensure that any traded picks have been recorded correctly.  You can view the draft order here.

The draft will be Monday, October 1 at 7 pm.  I tried to cancel it until a season happens, but Yahoo! won’t let me, so you might as well show up to do it right.  Hell, it might be the only hockey fun we have for a while.  For the most accurate update on the lockout I have seen, this video covers just about everything.

Owners have parties in their box every game.

Bert Fong says support him in his adult hockey league, but would be like watching the CFL.  Painful.

If the lockout is super long, looks like we can reset everything and start over, so we may put that option into place. 

A couple people couldn’t make Tuesday night, and all the people with kids, who, like anyone with kids, thinks they know it all, couldn’t have more differing opinions on which time is better on Sunday (from “10 AM on a Sunday is the dumbest idea I have ever heard, trust me, you will realize this when you are a parent” to “There couldn’t be a better time than 10 AM on a Sunday”).  Once again proving the old adage that kids make you dumber.

How will the lockout impact Yahoo! Fantasy Hockey?  Why, you can read that here.

Some of you have awful keepers, so the lockout may be a blessing in disguise, or delaying a gruesome death, either or.  Either way, this lockout has me feeling like Cole Ballard does all the time, and I am not looking forward to spending the winter and spring with my only entertainment being two month old YouTube videos being sent to me by Jesse Cook because he finally left his Blackberry and got a phone that works.

Shoot me in the left nut and kick the right one at the same time.  I hate my life.

JM

The Draft on the Draft

Hello all, I hope you have been well.  Today we announce the draft order for the upcoming season, a fitting day, as this is the big day of the NHL, also known as the more boring version of fantasy hockey league.

The draft order was obtained using the probabilities as stated in the League Charter.  Draft order was witnessed by two Commissioners, one Relief Commissioner and one league GM.  All were very drunk at the time.  Without further adieu, I present the 2012 Puck You 2012 Fantasy Hockey Draft first round draft order:

1	Texans
2	Not Poodle!!!
3	Super Sperm
4	Everett Silvertips (from Crosby's Concussions)
5	Me So Vyborny
6	Captain Chinese
7	Clarence Swampton
8	Pistol's Hellcats
9	Jesse Loves Paymon
10	Anzoolander
11	Flowers In the Cage (from Kanucks)
12	Crosby's Concussions (from Bizzarohawks)
13	Flowers In The Cage
14	Everett Silvertips

You can view final rosters and draft picks on the Trades and Transactions page, so don’t ask where you can find it 2 months from now, Schauble.  All trades must go through Commissioner review.  Complete draft order will be updated once fantasy hockey opens up again on Yahoo!  Remember, you can keep up to 6 players and 1 additional player who qualified as a rookie in the most recent season to replace your third round pick. If you choose to keep less, you will have additional picks in the final 6 rounds of the drafts were your keeper players would have been added.  Keepers are to be submitted one week prior to the fantasy hockey draft.

May your summer be full of booze, sunshine, and full frontal nudity.

JM

An Annual Tradition: A Letter from our Champion

It is my favorite post of the year, a post from the League Champion and Anze Cup winner.  We have had some great renditions in the past.  I now present this year’s Anze Cup champion, Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips:

First, I would like to commend Cole Ballard on a tremendous season and postseason run.  He should be proud of the way he actively managed his team to the Anze Cup finals.  Cole cares about winning the Anze Cup, and it is great to have a GM like him in our league.  I am glad he finally was able to see the Everett Silvertips win anything.

When I first found out I won the Anze Cup, I was thrilled, and I didn’t know how I should celebrate.  Do I get my excitement out by planking somewhere? 

Or maybe Landeskoging? 

I felt like neither of those were the right fit.  How do I celebrate such a monumental, yet often reoccurring event?

I took a break after for a bit and did some soul searching , as I knew I wasn’t going to do something as stupid as joining a Crossfit gym and paying $200/month to workout on $110 worth of gym equipment next to topless men:

The year was a crazy year, in the sense that I wasn’t first the entire year, just most of it.  I don’t really remember what anyone else did, nor do I really care.  I was supposed to win, and I won, and all is right in the world.

Does anyone remember when I offered Tyler Seguin and my first round pick to Flowers in the Cage for Logan Couture and a third rounder at the start of the season?  I do.  It was turned down, and somewhere Cole is banging his head on his desk, but even Logan wishes things had been different:

He knows a winner when he sees one.  And he saw me.

As we head into next year, some of you may be thinking, “Court, it was so great to see you win, but oh no! now that you won you might have a late draft pick and we won’t be able to bask in your what seems like half-dozenth championship.  What are we to do?”

Well one, it would be my fifth title, but who is counting?  And B, luckily, I traded Thomas Vanek to Crosby’s Concussions at the end of last year for his first round pick this coming year.  That means I have a 24%, or second best, chance of having the first overall pick.  I know.  You can breathe easy now.

And so with that, I hope all of you have a great summer, recounting my championship and the valor with which it was won.  A break over the summer from Jesse’s fantastic instruction and guidance on how to manage a fantasy team to be eliminated in the first round will be missed during the offseason, but I am looking forward to it once again this coming fall.

As I sign off, I realize exactly how this championship should be celebrated.  Not by imitating or copying another pose, but by creating my own pose.  I call it the Watson, and I leave you with this lasting image to motivate all of you, my fans, and give you something to look forward to next season.

I thank you all, and god bless.

Court

And with that, another year is in the books.  Looking forward to another great season next year.

JM

A New Old Champion

It came down to the last day, but we finally saw the curse of the dead presidents broken, as President’s Trophy winner Everett Silvertips hoisted the Anze Cup.  I don’t know about you, but the new Anze Cup with all 14 teams on it looks real nice, Clark. 

 

In the end, the depth of the Everett Silvertips carried them to the Cup, despite a remarkable run by Flowers in the Cage.  The parity of this league is remarkable, and I look forward to the Champion’s Message from SIlvertips GM Court Watson in the near future.  Actually, not really, because he is the most boring person I know.

Let’s hand out some awards.

Jack Adams Award

The year for accolades continues for Court, as he takes home the Jack Adams Award for GM of the year, tallying 69% of the votes from his peers.  Said Court upon acceptance of the award, “while the goal is always to win the Cup, this is a nice accolade to receive from my peers.”

Eugene Adams Award

Taking 54% of the vote, this award goes to GM Pete Shpak of Pistol’s Hellcats, primarily for the trade rape that occurred and how he argued the player that he acquired that was just as good as the player he dealt single-handedly knocked him out of the first round.  The former Jack Adams award winner had this to say about the award; “You have made me second guess myself more than any other time in my life.  I hate you all.  Except you Jesse.  I love you in an uncomfortable way.”

Andy Kordyban Award

We have a first two time award winner!  That is right, Jesse Cook of Anzoolander is the first ever in our league to be the Duke of Fantasy Hockey at least two years, and it is two years in a row no less!  The race was close, but Jesse took home 46% of the vote.  A defiant Jesse commented, “I have no idea how the Everett Silvertips won the Anze Cup.”  It is pretty clear, based on the votes, that your peers know EXACTLY why you have no clue!

Offseason Notes

Remaining balances can be viewed on the Trades and Transactions tab above.  All balances will be rolled forward and will be settled upon payment of the next season’s entry fees.

Rosters will be posted to that same workbook for offseason trades.  Keep in mind all trades still require commissioner review and approval.

Keepers will be selected and remaining rosters will be released into free agency approximately two weeks before next season’s draft.  Stay tuned for actual dates for the draft, which are yet to be determined, but plan for some time in December.

The draft order will be decided the weekend of April 21-22 at the sorta annual some of the GMs and Commissioners Meeting.  There will be heavy drinking and some furious wheeling and dealing, but enough witnesses to certify the draft.

Thank you all for your participation.  Except you Fatty, three transactions is pathetic.  Go fuck yourself.

The Polls are Open

That is right, it is time to vote for the prestigious awards bestowed by our league.  And unlike Barrack Obama, we won’t have Black Panther members sitting outside voting booths ready to beat the shit out of you if you vote the wrong way. 

Lets get to the nominees

Jack Adams Award

This award is given to the GM adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success. 

Cole Ballard is nominated only because he finds himself the owner of a team on an incredible run.  Cole Ballard attempts to make his case, and I am not sure if I get there: “I drafted Backstrom over Stamkos, kept Grabner instead of Backstrom (the goalie), drafted Brodeur over Quick, and traded away Semin for a bag of rocks.”  Voters will have to decide, should this award be for short term success or building a long term solid core?  This team arguably doesn’t have six keepers and may be looking to the draft for a lot, I mean A LOT, of help next year.  Luckily, GM Cole Ballard has got two first round picks in his back pocket.

Dave Kitchen has turned a bottom feeding team into a solid contender, but a team that didn’t have all the pieces to win it all.  Still, it was an impressive turnaround, though without a draft pick until the fourth round next year, I am having a tough time seeing this team back in the playoffs next year.

Court Watson led his team to a President’s Trophy and an Anze Cup finals appearance, his first since 2008.  The Everett Silvertips are the only team of all fourteen teams to never miss the playoffs, and in the process of building the team with the best record for the year, Court also has two draft picks in the first round and two draft picks in the second round of next season’s draft; the most of any team in the league.  One would think this would give this team every opportunity to be in the playoffs again next year, but Court is known to be horrible at drafting a team so that is really a crapshoot.

Eugene Adams Award

This award is given to the GM who had the least to do with his team's success, or made the biggest impact in preventing them from being successful. Named after Jack's retarded step brother who couldn't say no to a cool glass of antifreeze.

The first is Ryan Schauble, who took his team from first in the regular season standings to easily the worst team this league has ever seen.  Will one first round pick fix it?  I doubt it.  But, he held on to his keepers all season, so they should be back and finishing 14th again next year.   Well timed, aggressive moves this year.  Just awful

Pete Shpak or Pistol’s Hellcats traded away his best player for an average goalie behind a good, but aging hockey team.  He then lost four of five goalie categories on his way to a first round exit.  Pretty open and shut case.

Matt Meier had a team firing on all cylinders sitting atop of the standings.  His actions subsequent to that remind me of the worst coach in the NFL, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, in that he did exactly what Pete Carroll does in at the half way point and ensures an easy, embarassing lose; he made zero adjustments.  Meanwhile, the rest of the league adapted and evolved and as result, Me So Vyborny went from first to missing the playoffs.  Just terrible.

Andy Kordyban Award (a.k.a "The Duke of Fantasy Hockey trophy")

This prestigious award can be given out for several reasons, because like its namesake, this trophy covers so many areas.  Should it go to Jesse Cook or Bert Fong for their clusterfuck of trades that resulted in no real improvement in teams or draft picks?  Or maybe to Ryan Schauble for the most amazing job of destroying a fantasy team ever?  What about Crosby’s Concussions for the hilarious amount of injuries to a team that was actually pretty good, and the fact he trade raped the shit out of Pete Shpak?  My personal choice maybe Scott Freeland, who traveled to Phoenix during the semifinals to cheer on Mike Smith and Keith Yandle.  Why is that Duke like?  Because of on key reason; he went by himself, a classic Duke move.  The people shall decide.

Happy voting all.

On the Cusp of Immortality

This is it, what every team has worked towards, and only two teams get a shot at; the chance to hold the Anze Cup high above their heads, and celebrate a crowning achievement.  For most, winning the Anze Cup is considered the greatest day of their lives.

Before we look at the final match, lets do a quick recap of the the Anze Cup semifinal matches.

1. Everett Silvertips over 6. Bizzarohawks

It was a great run for the Bizzarohawks, but in the end, the team went cold at the worst time.  GM Scott Freeland even went to Phoenix, by himself, to cheer on his goaltender, insert generic name here, but it wouldn’t be enough.  Still, it was a great run of this upstart and has to be a positive note for a team that historically struggles in this league.

5.  Flowers in the Cage over 2.  Kanucks

Wow, what an upset.  I mean seriously, wow.  Despite the bad goaltending that was predicted, Flowers in the Cage had a mammoth week offensively, and it was enough to hold off another great performance by the Kanucks.  It looked like it was going to be Kanucks year, and GM Dave Kitchen would be able to hold his head high without name dropping Ryan Blair (who the fuck cares?) or perfecting the humblebrag.  When you say “not bragging, just saying” bragging is exactly what you are doing.  It is kinda like me saying I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I reported your Facebook account as spam.  I actually mean to be an asshole, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Here we are, but before we get to the final, a vignette of past Anze Cup winners and what it means to them:

What the Anze Cup means…

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Flowers In The Cage (Season series 17-12 for Everett Silvertips)

This is a Anze Cup of firsts.  It is the first time two of the original three teams have competed in the finals.   It is also the first time GM Cole Ballard has taken a team to the finals as his teams have always fallen short have finished third a record three times.  You have a team in Everett Silvertips that is struggling offensively and a team in Flowers in the Cage with awful goaltending.   I expect this matchup to be close.  Flowers in the Cage has more games to be played, but relies on fewer NHL teams to do so; a slow week for either team could hurt them.  On the other hand, Everett Silvertips decided to start 3 players from one of the lowest goal scoring teams in the league.  In deciding who wins, really the only thing to fall back on is the empirical data.  Both team’s offensive units have to turn around at some point, which would give the upper hand to the Silvertips.  Hell, it is the Anze Cup playoffs, and either team could win easily or scratch and claw one out.  That is why I love this game.

Prediction:  Everett Silvertips becomes the first President’s Trophy winner to hoist the Anze Cup since 2005, winning 7-5-4.

Good luck to both teams.  Glory awaits.

Where the Air is Crisp

Only four teams remain as we enter the semifinals.  As a testament to how difficult it is to get here we only need to compare the four teams to last year.  Only one team from last year’s final four made the final four this year, and the other three didn’t even make the playoffs at all last year.   Congrats gentlemen on making it this far and elevating yourselves above all others, where the air is crisp.

Let us look back on the first round matchups, on which my predictions where 2-2, though just barely, and were almost 4-0

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon

Steve giving some tips to his team before the games on Sunday

I predicted an upset, and if GM Steve McIntyre wasn’t the biggest idiot on the planet, that probably would have happened.  Leaving an empty starting roster spot is inexcusable, which is totally supported by Steve’s idiotic excuse;

“I was on vacation.”

This is an idiotic excuse for multiple reasons.  First, being on vacation means you have even more time to look at this while you drink your beverage of choice each evening (with Steve, I am guessing rye and Coke Zero).  Second, Steve owns a smartphone, and a smartphone built for idiots, so he could have set his lineup on his phone.  Third, he picked up a player to put in the roster spot while on vacation, which means he did actually have time, he was just an idiot.  Jussi Jokinen tore it up on Sunday, and his numbers would have given JLP the victory.  Instead, Steve is an idiot and the clear, CLEAR, front runner for the Eugene Adams award.

Somewhere, right now, Jesse Cook is thanking his lucky stars that his drafting Jimmy Howard on accident in the first round is being replaced as the stupidest move in this league’s history.

2. Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander

Really nothing to see here, other than I was off a tad; I predicted 10-4, it was 9-4.  Kanucks are still on fire and the clear front runner.  GM Jesse Cook failed to get out of the first round yet again, making it three years in a row.  I would recommend he change his team name to Zoolechkin, as it is probably better to compare himself to a loud-mouthed show-boater who can’t clutch up in the playoffs, versus a phenom who lets his play do all the talking.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 6. Bizarrohawks

I said this match would be close and Pistol’s Hellcats would come back to win on Sunday.  They didn’t.  Shitty goaltending let Pistol’s Hellcasts down.  With 17 seconds left in the final game for players on either team, and a tie score (with Pistol’s Hellcat’s holding the second tie breaker), David Legwand scored an empty net power play goal, and Pistol Hellcat’s fantasy season came to an end similar to how Taylor Hall’s actual season did:

Buh bye.

See you next year Pistol Taylor.

4. Clarence Swampton vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage

Another one I got right, Keeper Luongo failed miserably, and so did Clarence Swampton.  Ironically, a shutout by the Flower against Philly on the last day would have eliminated Flowers in the Cage, but that didn’t happen.  The hotter team prevailed.

Let us now turn the the similar finals on the road to the Anze Cup.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 6. Bizzarohawks (Season series: 20-6 for the Everett Silvertips)

Bizzarohawks are hot, but I don’t think they are hot enough.  Everett Silvertips led the league in scoring during the quarterfinals without real contributions from two key players, Tyler Seguin and Ilya Kovalchuk, and an injury to another, Taylor Hall.  Any life from either of those three makes this team hard to beat, and the Bizzarohawks goaltending has been suspect as of late.  It was good enough to win last week against a team with awful goaltending (Re: Jimmy’s Journey), but Mike Smith will have to step it up this week.

Prediction:  Like all playoff matches, this will be close, but the Silvertips advance, winning 8-5-3

2.  Kanucks vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage (Season series: 10-3 for Flowers in the Cage)

I was going to do a write up, but then was surprised how easy it was to find a video of a lamb being slaughtered, so I just linked to that:

Lamb = Flowers in the Cage

Prediction:  Kanucks keep steamrolling into the Anze Cup finals, 10-2-4.

Good luck gentlemen.

So It Begins

Why we are here.

 

We have four new teams this year in the playoffs, and the teams that won their conferences last year finished dead last and second dead last.  To those that made it, congratulations.  To those that did not.  You suck.  Seriously.  You are bad.  Let’s looks at the first round matchups.

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon (Season Series: 16-10 for the Everett Silvertips)

Everett Silvertips come in fresh off claiming the President’s Trophy while Jesse Loves Paymon sneaks in losing three of the last five weeks and with 8 players either DTD or on IR.  There are only five statistical categories that Jesse Loves Paymon outperformed the Everett Silvertips in this year.  Everything points to a certain first round victory for the Everett Silvertips, except for the curse of the dead presidents.  Yes, I just made that up.

The last time the President’s Trophy winner won this league was 2005.  The last time the President’s Trophy winner got out of the first round alive was 2008, and that was because it was a bye (though later, Everett Silvertips’ GM Court Watson’s old franchise, Ottawa HC would lose in the final).  There is no reason, besides logic, which means nothing, to assume it won’t happen again.

Prediction:  JLP moves on in a Cinderella victory, 7-6-3.

2.  Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander (Season Series: 18-9 for the Kanucks)

If anyone witnessed what happened this week, the Kanucks put up arguably the best single week performance in the season, if not in league history.  They are firing on all cylinders like the 2007 New England Patriots, and Anzoolander is going to have to come out firing to keep up.  It looks like Jonathan Toews may come back just in time to tee it up with the rest of Anzoolander after this coming week. 

Prediction:  Kanucks continue the torrid pace and are the clear Anze Cup favorite, winning handily 10-4-2.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 8.  Bizarrohawks (Season Series: 13-13)

This will be an interesting matchup and the winner will almost assuredly be decided by goaltending, with each team struggling in that area as of late.  Big concern for Pistol’s Hellcats is that they may live and die by the Ottawa Senators.  A slow week, and the offense might struggle.  This will be an interesting matchup to watch, as the winner is a toss up and either team can make a long run in the playoffs.  In the end, I think I like Pistol’s Hellcats’ goaltending better, and they move on to the next round.

Prediction:  Pistol’s Hellcats come back on Sunday to win 8-5-3.

4.  Clarence Swampton vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage (Season Series: 15-12 for Clarence Swampton)

It is the the real life Flower in the cage versus the team Flowers in the Cage.   Their teams line up eerily similar, even down to the pair of French-Canadian goalies.  Flowers in the Cage in the hotter team, and I like them to move on in this matchup.

Prediction:  Martin Brodeur finally fucks Clarence Swampton, and Flowers in the Cage moves on 9-3-4.

If anyone has any questions of tie breakers or reseeding, don’t waste your time asking me, I have no fucking idea.  Good luck gentlemen.

Power Rankings: Week 21

The most unique thing about this year?  It is the first year where the playoff picture isn’t in flux daily.  Maybe the 9th or 10th seed can sneak in, but it isn’t nearly as close as last year.  Keep an eye on Jesse Loves Paymon, Flowers in the Cage and Me So Vyborny, as they will be fighting over the last two playoff spots.  Lets look at who is looking good heading into the playoffs and who might potentially be making trades prior to the deadline to give themselves a better chance at immortality.

1. Kanucks (3) – Team continues to role benefiting from the trade rape mentioned last week.  Has to be the frontrunner come playoff time.

2. Bizzarohawks (9) – Huge week last week to vault into the top four in the standings.  I said I liked the direction of this team a few weeks ago, and I for one would not want to seem them in the first round.

3. Everett Silvertips (2) – This team seems to meander along without any dominating performances, and lost a key part of this team in Tuukka Rask to injury for all the playoffs.  I fully expect to see this all but certain President’s Trophy winner making a first round exit in the tradition we have become accustomed to.

4. Clarence Swampton (7) – Big win when it was needed.  Other teams should be worried about seeing this team in the playoffs if the goalies are hot.

5. Anzoolander (12) – Got screwed out of a win last week, and is holding on for dear life.  With Toews and Downie banged up and Ryan Miller a mental liability, I don’t know if this team will get past their franchise best first round of the playoffs.  GM Jesse Cook is managing like rookie using the active roster for players on IR.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Anyone else watching Howard getting hurt every few weeks and wondering if this team has any resiliency whatsoever?  Heaven help this team in the first round if Carey Price has a good week.

7. Flowers in the Cage (4) – Bad loss this past week after Cole Ballard touted himself as a Jack Adams candidate for his comeback, lets see if he jinxed himself enough to get knocked out of the playoffs completely.

8. Me So Vyborny (5) – Impressive last week.  Can’t recall seeing that much offense being offset so well by that bad of goaltending to lose.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Not only did this team lose when it needed to win, it lose with awful numbers.   If this team sneaks into the playoffs, it may be like a bye round for its opponent.

10. Not Poodle (8) – Making a last ditch run at making the playoffs, but it may be to little to late.  What surprised me most about this team is that it had made the playoffs before.

11. Captain Chinese (10) – How has this team ever made the playoffs?

12. Texans (11) – I guess it really doesn’t make sense for a bunch of Texans to be in the playoffs.  They can’t even skate.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13) – For anyone who forgot about this, www.kateuptondancing.com cures all fantasy blues, even being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs with the regular season still in process.

14. Super Sperm (14) – Also mathematically eliminated, and overall, a depressing year for this defending President’s Trophy team.  Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson hopes this isn’t the start of a new tradition, but then starts laughing and realizes it is because Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble is awful at Fantasy Hockey.

Playoff predictions next week.  Good luck gentlemen.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 18

The difference between 6th place and 11th place is seven points.  Man do I love the final few weeks and the race to make the playoffs.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (Previous: 14) – Because it is Peter’s birthday, this is my gift to you.  The curse of first place in the power rankings.  Detroit is showing Jimmy Howard is a plug and not a keeper doing awesome with Joey Mcdonald in net.

2.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Even in bad weeks this team still gets a tie.  Unfortunately on good weeks that also happens.

3.  Kanucks (3) – Team is on fire, and trade raped the shit out of Super Sperm this week, at Super Sperm’s request.

4. Flowers in the Cage (2) – Continues to move up the standings, but sits precariously on the bubble.

5. Me So Vyborny (12) – The manager comes back from the dead, and so does the team. Though maybe it was because they played Team Awful.

6. Jesse Loves Paymon (4) – Couldn’t beat a team battling injuries, a bit of a hiccup for this team’s playoff run.

7. Clarence Swampton (5) – Continues to at least threaten, at least until this week started.

8. Not Poodle (6) – Three straight wins.  All against bad teams, but still.

9. Bizzarohawks (8) – Lost last week, but I actually like the direction of this team and see them as a spoiler.

10. Captain Chinese (9) – Who the fuck is Byron Bitz and why is he on your team?

11. Texans (11) – I can’t remember the last time I looked at this team, it just baffles me they aren’t better.

12. Anzoolander (10) – Team Awful.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13) – Does www.kateuptondancing.com cheer up your fantasy blues?  It did for me, and I wasn’t even sad.

14. Super Sperm (7) – Two people liked his status when he said he was at Vancouver International Airport. That is because they were glad he is leaving.  Way to sell the farm for 11th and 13th roster spots (also known as 4th and 5th round picks next year).

New Rule Change – UPDATE

A revision to the new rookie rule will be that if you no longer have your fourth pick, you may elect to use any pick earlier than than the fourth round that you have still retained.  The pick used must be yours originally and cannot be a pick acquired from another team in a trade.  Make sense, well let me put it another go fuck yourself.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 15

If you click on the advertisement at the right of this column, the fantasy gods will shower you with role players careering it through the rest of the season.

If there was ever a season that clearly showed you are never guaranteed a playoff spot, nor do you have no shot at making it, this is it. There have been some dramatic reversals of fortune in this league and I am willing to bet the teams that are most active prior to the trade deadline will be in the hunt for the Anze Cup come the spring. Let’s take a look at the teams and how they rank this week.

1. Everett Silvertips (2) – I doubt this will last, this team caught the plague of injuries from being so close to Crosby’s Concussions all week long. Says GM Court Watson of the voodoo curse of being placed #1 in the power rankings, “oh shit….”

2. Flowers in the Cage (3) – Hoping nobody really notices, this team is creeping up into a playoff spot, and doing it by beating 3 of the top 4 teams in the league (in standings, not in power rankings). Teetering on the edge of the playoff picture with a soft schedule, this team could easily see an Anze Cup finals appearance if they get hot. Annnnnnddddd there is the jinx.

3. Kanucks (4) – Players slowly coming back off IR has benefited this team that is poised to make a run down the stretch. Only thing between this team and certain victory is their GM.

Sidenote: ask his father-in-law about Dave’s fantasy hockey skills; you will learn where Steve gets his silent laugh from.

4. Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – And just like that, this team is in the current playoff picture. The benefactor of playing teams decimated by injuries to be sure, but the performances were still marginally strong, and strong enough to move from last to in the hunt.

5. Clarence Swampton (9) – The hottest team in the league…be afraid.

6. Not Poodle (13.b) – I don’t really care what I rank the teams between 6 and 13, they are all equally close to as bad as 14.

7. Super Sperm (13.a) – Blames his team on his kids..what a loser.

8. Bizzarohawks (8) – Back to losing. To the last place team (cue the sound they play when you lose in the Price is Right, and the crowd groaning).

9. Captain Chinese (6) – You suck Bert. Your team sucks. You also suck. How did those moves last week work out for you?

10. Anzoolander (Previous: 1) – Decimated by injuries, and not nice ones. The curse of #1 in the power rankings is still going strong.

11. Texans (10) – I can’t remember the last time I looked at this team, it just baffles me they aren’t better.

12. Me So Vyborny (5) – Wheels are not flying off for this team, they are exploding, just like those tires that used to be on Ford Trucks. Has lost 7 of the last 8 weeks including the past 6 straight. Here is a tip to GM Matt Meier: if you want to passively manage something, get a retirement fund.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13.c) – Does a picture better define a team in this league than this one?

14. Pistol Hellcats (14) – Hahahaha, look at this roster; a bunch of sell highs that have cooled off (Smyth, Weiss, Michalek) and a bunch of sell highs now before they suck balls again return to historic means (Gustavsson, Bertuzzi, Williams, Bolland, Cole). Of course GM Pete Shpak sold Daniel Sedin when he was high for low, which made everyone laugh. Meanwhile, Peter Mueller is like a golfer with a new driver and everything is sweet; until his brain turns to Jell-O again from a faint breeze hitting him.

New Rule Change

With a vote of 8-5 for, the rookie rule has passed and will be effective for the upcoming (2012-13) season. Keep this in mind; if you trade away your fourth pick, you don’t get to keep a rookie. If you have two fourth picks, you only get to keep one rookie. Also, you don’t have to keep a rookie if you don’t want to.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 14

If you click on the advertisement at the right of this column, the fantasy gods will shower you with short handed points.

1.  Anzoolander (Previous: 1) – Offense is churning while goaltending is starting to heat up.  Injuries are starting to be concern, as this team has picked up players GM Jesse Cook used to laugh at (“Benoit Pouliot…LOL, you suck Court”).  Toughest decision this team faces on a weekly basis is to start the Wall or Jaroslav Halak.  I think based on the nicknames alone, that decision is super easy.

2.  Everett Silvertips (2) – First in goaltending, third in offense, young, and relatively unscathed by the injury bug as this team heads into the weaker side of the schedule.  This team has all the makings of a President’s Trophy and the shitty side of a first round upset against….

3. Flowers in the Cage (7) – That’s right!  This team dealt Everett Silvertips just their third loss of the year thanks to some timely PIMs by James Neal (is there any question he is more valuable when Crosby is hurt)?  This team has quietly put up a strong showing since the halfway point, going 42-35 and moving within 8 points of a playoff spot.  Additionally, this team has leapfrogged over 5 teams when looking at average ranking in all league scoring categories.  This week will be a good barometer of future successes.  Congratulations GM Cole Ballard, on winning the Lucky Lager (I wish they were on sponsor) Team of the Week this week .

4. Kanucks (4) – If the top teams right below this one didn’t look so goddamn awful, I would have put the Cuntfaces Kanucks lower.  Needed a miraculous night from a player to tie a team currently not even in the playoffs is sad.

5.  Me So Vyborny (3) – Way to must 6 points last week.  Any team that can only put up six points with ten players over 20 or so hockey games should never be considered good.  Ever.  Use your IR roster spot and pick up someone or something to make up for Sharp hurting his back carrying this sorry bunch.

6.  Captain Chinese (5) – You suck Bert.  Your team sucks.  You also suck.  Congratulations on a new baby boy, who is already better at fantasy hockey than you.  Those free agency moves are totally not an absurd over reactionary move after getting rocked…it is almost like you are the U.S. Government.

7. Jesse Loves Paymon (10) – Quietly moving in the right direction, only losing once since week 10 and only by one category.  Big matchup this weekend against Anzoolander, in which JLP GM Steve McIntyre prophesized, “(Jesse Cook) is going down faster than (he) does on Paymon.”  That was pretty good, but not as good as Mr. Cook’s response; “Steve is pregnant with Paymon’s child.”  Looking at Steve, I am guessing he is at 28 weeks or so.  In all seriousness, did you know your brother-in-law owns an aerobic studio?  Also, good look on picking up and starting Ryan Suter.

8. Bizzarohawks (11) – A win!  A win!  Hopefully this stops the downward spiral.

9. Clarence Swampton (8) – You don’t move up for beating a team that has more people hurt than healthy.

10. Texans (7) – This is what is supposed to happen every week for this team.  Let’s see them do it against a better team, but I am not counting this team out.

13.a. Super Sperm (12) – Awful.  You suck.

13.b. Not Poodle (9) – So do you.

13.c.  Crosby’s Concussions (9) – At what point does GM Dave Dugan realize d-men are virtually worthless when compared to each other, are interchangeable and drops the four he has filling up his roster that don’t play a single game?

14.  Pistol Hellcats (14) – Dropped out of the top three in offense for the first time since week 7, and fell even further behind the team in front of him in goaltending categories.  The slide into withdrawal and depression as a result of receiving a hard trade rape has already begun.  I made a deal with GM Pete Shpak to only pick on teams that are at the bottom of the league, which is an odd deal for him to propose since he is right there.  What an idoit idiot, Pete.

Proposed Rule Change

As Super Sperm sucks something mighty and are obviously not going to make an impact the rest of this season, GM Ryan Schauble proposed a new rule, “The Rookie Rule” that the league will be voting on to implement next year.

The rule is pretty simple.  Each team, at the end of the season, may designate a player who will be a rookie going into next year or has just completed their rookie season in the NHL.  If a team choses to designate a player as such, they will be allowed to keep a seventh player but will forfeit their fourth round draft pick in the 2012-13 draft (and third round draft pick in 2013-14 and beyond).  This rule can be beneficial if you have someone like Tyler Seguin of last year, where his performance last year was poor, but the potential was there.

Some of you, especially those in the United States, might wonder what signifies a player’s “rookie year” as in the NHL, the first year you play might not actually constitute a rookie season. 

The NHL’s definition of a rookie is a player who has not played 25 games in any single preceding season nor six or more games in each of any two preceding seasons in any major professional league.  Also, the player must not be older than 26 years before September 15 of the season in question.

So, as an example, if Anzoolander wanted to keep Adam Henrique, who is in his first season in the NHL and has played over 25 games, GM Jesse Cook could implement the Rookie Rule for next season, but after that, he would have to use one of his six keeper spots for Henrique.  If another team were to pick up someone like Jonathan Huberdeau, who was drafted the same year of Henrique but currently in the minors, they could use the Rookie Rule for Huberdeau not only after this season but every season until he loses his status as  Rookie.  Make sense?  Of course it does.

Now for a league vote.  Please submit whether you are for or against the Rookie Rule to puckyourself at live dot com as soon as possible.

JM

Jimmy’s Journey: From an accidental 1st round draft pick to the subject of trade rape

How do I know when I have done my job related to this blog?  Fuck you, I don’t have to do anything.

Anyway, always glad to see contributions from League GMs.  Here is Crosby’s Concussion’s GM Dave Dugan reminiscing about his time with Jimmy Howard during his lunch hour.  He told me writing this got his creative juices flowing, felt refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day.  See what contributing can do?  And I let you do it for free.

“I felt compelled to blog about Jimmy Howard, who has been on my team since 2009. Jimmy has been the catalyst for some of the biggest news in Go Puck Yourself history, so here goes:

Jimmy Howard burst onto the Go Puck Yourself scene in 2009, when he was “accidentally” drafted #9 overall by GM Jesse Cook. Accident or not, Steve McIntyre summed it up best “that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. How he can make fun of me for not knowing how to use a computer after that stunt is beyond me. Jesse is a joke, or an idiot, or both. Yeah, he is a joke idiot.” Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for GM Jesse Cook in 2009, he drops Jimmy Howard, right before he becomes a star goaltender, for Brian Elliot (Editor’s note:  Please always refer to Elliot by his proper nickname, the Wall).  Mr. Howard was picked up off waivers by GM David Dugan. GM Jesse Cook’s drafting and dropping of Jimmy Howard were considered the #1 and #3 worst moves in fantasy hockey in 2009 as voted on by the committee, which consists of one egotistical maniac in Seattle (Editor’s note: we had a real vote with real GMs.  Those moves were awful.  Also, get it right; I am an egotistical asshole). 

As we entered the 2010 GPY draft the GM’s all watched with abated breath as GM Jesse Cook drafted #5 overall…….Henrik Sedin.  Nobody criticized that pick quite like Howard in 2009. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back by GM David Dugan who drafted him #30 overall; he fell 21 picks from 2009. Ironically enough, the #9 overall pick in 2010 was Daniel Sedin.

2011 ushered in new beginning in GPY history as the idea of keepers was introduced. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back as a keeper by GM David Dugan who entered the season a clear underdog thanks to Sidney Crosby’s concussion. On January 7^th , 2011 the trade heard round the world (at very least the trade heard about by 14 guys scattered throughout Western Canada, Seattle, Cleveland and Pittsburgh) occurred when Jimmy Howard was sent packing to Pistol’s Hellcats in return for Daniel Sedin. Jimmy Howard leads the league in wins (24), has a .924 save% and a 2.05 GAA. Howard is the Red Wing’s MVP so far and has blossomed into one of the best goaltenders in the NHL.  Daniel Sedin has 18 Goals, 29 Assists, a +15 rating and is on pace for 273 shots on goal and could be a contender for league MVP. Time will only tell how rapey this trade truly is (Editor’s note: super rapey).

GM David Dugan is sad to see Jimmy Howard go, as he was once thought to one of the building blocks of his team for years to come. GM David Dugan wishes Mr. Howard the best of luck in all of his future endeavors and would like to welcome Daniel Sedin, who along with Sid Crosby (when healthy) could be a powerful 1-2 punch in the years to come.”

Still laughing at the Joke Idiot.

Power Rankings: Week 13

There have been many famous rapes in history.  Britney Spears singing “I Love Rock and Roll” in Crossroads, Jesse Cook being bent over by Paymon..wait, that was consensual.  Anyway, the list goes on and on, and this week we get to add another rape to the list.  A trade rape.

Daniel Sedin is not even at his peak, he has a long career ahead of him.  He is the #1 ranked player in fantasy hockey.  You would think that any competent manager could trade him for almost anyone and get another player or two or improve a future draft.  At the very least, a fair trade is straight up for anyone. 

Instead, GM Pete Shpak dealt a crushing blow to the Hellcat’s and swapped him for Jimmy Howard.  On top of that, he GAVE AWAY a bag of marbles.  I am not kidding, Neuvirth is Czech for bag and Roloson is Ukrainian for marbles.  I looked it up.  It is true.

So this is a clearly a trade rape, but we will argue for minutes what kind of trade rape is it.  Is it a trade rape to protect the team and make everyone stronger like Mary MacGregor taking it in Rob Roy?  Or is it a trade like Bijou Phillips in Havoc with Anne Hathaway watching, where you almost think she did it for fun?  The argument may be never ending, but trade rape is still trade rape, and Pistol got trade raped.  Hard.

Let’s take a look at the power rankings this week, including what each manager said they would have given up for Daniel Sedin if GM Pete Shpak had not been shooting for the Eugene Adams award.  As always, these are actual quotes from actual GMs.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) - “I hate Vancouver, but I can’t say no to the best player in fantasy,  I would have given up Henrique, Benn and Halak for him, all keepers obv.”

2.  Everett Silvertips (4) - “Quick, Bernier and Mike Richards for Sedin.”

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) - “Patrick Sharp.  Wait, what?   Patrick Sharp is old and hurt?  Shoot, I don’t know then, how do I look at my team?  Do I still have Kessel?”

4.  Kanucks (6) - “Malkin and Lehtonen.  And a free crossfit foundation course.”  Ok, I made that last sentence up.

5.  Captain Chinese (5) – I didn’t ask GM Bert Fong, because there is nothing of value on this team.

6.  Not Poodle (9) – “Niemi and Keith, only because I am getting tired about Duncan talking about how Court is his best friend.”

7.  Flowers in the Cage (12) – “I would give up every Capital I have for Sedin, that is how desperate I am.  With my luck Sedin would blow out his knee first game I had him.”  Ahh, Eeyore.

8.  Clarence Swampton (11) – “Luongo and Schenn.”

9.  Crosby’s Concussions (9) – “Have you ever seen Scott Freeland when he wins and hand in Poker or sees extreme violence on television and laughs hysterically like a complete asshole?  I have done that at least once a day since this trade happened.”

10.  Jesse Loves Paymon (13) – “Ward and Marchand.  Maybe swap my 2nd for his 5th if he rejects the first offer.”

11.  Bizzarohawks (10) – “Lupul and Mike Smith.  Like I know what the fuck I am doing.”

12.  Super Sperm (14) – “I would give up Ovie, maybe swap some picks.  That trade was focking ghey.”

13.  Texans (7) – “Heatley and Vokoun.” 

14.  Pistol Hellcats (3) - “Pass the Vaseline, please.”

I just might turn off commenting so Pete can’t get the last word (drives him nuts). 

Side note: sucked in to all the teams that got dinged on pretty significant injuries this week, there were some doozies:

Me So Vyborny (Patrick Sharp, upper body, indefinite)

Everett Silvertips (Jeff Carter, separated shoulder, 4-6 weeks)

Jesse Loves Paymon (Marchand, suspended 5 games)

Captain Chinese (Eberle, knee, unknown)

Flowers In The Cage (James Neal, Foot, indefinite)

Not Poodle (Jordan Staal, Knee, 4-6 weeks)

Ouch.

Power Rankings: Week 12

Canada lost tonight because they suck.  Similar to Jesse Loves Paymon.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) – I am keeping this team here just to jinx them.  Is there anyone who thinks they actually belong here?  I thought so.  The team went to shit when GM Jesse Cook let his emotions get the best of him and dealt Eberle for Kane.  Boom.  Roasted.

2.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Just keeps churning along.  I don’t know what will stop them.  I wonder if GM Matt Meier knows his team is doing so well?

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (3) – I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I put this team any higher, because I strive to be as deadly accurate as I can on this list.  Also, know what team only has two games the first week of Puck You’s playoffs?  Yup, the Vancouver Canucks.  Pistol’s Hellcats, please exit stage left, and you are paying for the pole stains.

4.  Everett Silvertips (6) – This team might have alligator blood.  Statistically, not a very good team, but keeps either winning or keeping matches close.  The Carter trade hasn’t worked out, and GM Court Watson has considered taking the Black for his betrayal of his Grace, Joffrey (1% of you will get that).

5. Captain Chinese (4) – Other teams should be scared of this team, but only if they are in the top 6 in the power rankings.  Why?  Captain Chinese is 4-1 against the other 5 in the top 6.  If only this wasn’t a shitty team that loses to bottom feeders regularly, it might have an actual chance.

6. Kanucks (5) – Silvertips GM Court Watson tried to give Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen a heads up on how to use IR.  Said Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble, “Your job is to police collusion, not stupidity.”  Good point, nice Kessel trade, idiot.

7.  Texans (8) – I can’t tell if Texans GM Chris Thomas gets the nod as the Taco of this league.

8.  Crosby’s Concussions (10) – When Crosby is out Bylsma still makes his team a winner…what the fuck is your excuse?

9. Not Poodle (9) – GM Matt Welsh is my favorite right now for the Taco of this league.

10. Bizzarohawks (7) – Has taken a battering as of late as this team goes through the top teams in the league.  Not sure what this team can do to turn it around, but it definitely needs an offensive spark.

11. Clarence Swamption (14) – Watch this team, I am a little nervous about how they are quietly coming back.

12. Flowers In The Cage (12) – Took advantage of an injured team last week, looks to be holding its own this week against another good team. Dare I say comeback? I dare not.

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – GM Steve McIntyre loves his iPhone so much he doesn’t call it a phone, just an iPhone.  He had the following conversation with his iPhone’s voice assistance app, Siri, this past weekend.

Steve:  “What does my fantasy hockey team look like this week?”

Siri: “I don’t know, I have gone blind from looking at it it is so ugly”

Steve: “What can I do to fix it?”

Siri: “How can you fix a fantasy hockey team that looks as bad as Team Canada at the World Juniors.  What the fuck are you, the modern day sphinx?  What kind of riddle was that?”

Steve: “Good day, Siri.”

Siri: “Has anyone told you how ugly you are today. Mr. McIntyre?  Well, let me be the first.”

14.  Super Sperm (13) – Now statistically the worst team in the league.  Proving the regular season run of last year was a total and complete fluke.  P.S. Nice six week losing streak.