Periodically we are fortunate enough to have a league general manager dabble a little too much in the moon shine and give his thoughts on the current status of the league.
Last night happened to be one of these nights, and I thought quick break down of GM Jesse Cook’s drunken chirping was in order. No grammar or spelling has been corrected (as you will clearly see).
1. On his own matchup: “Fuck me losing to Fatty is like like losing to Steve at The Wild Coyote----Im terrible i should kill myself.”
As any teenager from Richmond in the late 90s would know, the Wild Coyote was a lower tier “nightclub” on the south border of Vancouver that was full of slutty, easy girls. You could literally be dead, and still take a girl home from that place. Steve never did, because standing in the corner talking to no one is apparently not the best strategy for getting laid, just the best strategy for having some alone time later to pound the meat whistle.
2. On the Everett Silvertip vs. Texans matchup: “2 gamers dont make a right.”
On the surface, this refers to the fact that both Silvertips’ GM Court Watson and Texans’ GM Chris Thomas own an Xbox 360 and entertain themselves playing it while they wait for their wives to get ready for outings. A psychiatrist would say this is Jesse hiding the inadequacies he feels in dealing in the modern era of technology, as newer devices don’t lend themselves to the hands, and brain, of a semi-retarded gorilla.
While we are on this subject, can someone tell me why some guys complain when their significant other takes forever to get ready? Are you an idiot? Do you actually want to go to wherever you are supposed to be? 99% of the time it isn’t front row seats to a sporting event, it is probably to either 1) hang out with her friends, 2) hang out with other couples, which is also boring or 3) go to something super stupid, like the Juno awards or a Michael Buble concert. I always encourage my wife to take as much time as she needs and try on as many outfits as possible, because, yes, those jeans do make your ass look huge.
3. On the Flowers in the Cage vs. Jesse Loves Paymon matchup: “You both are terrible at Fantasy--just awful.”
This one is actually on point, pretty lucid based on how drunk Cook seems.
4. On the Pistol Hellcat’s vs. Crosby’s Concussions matchup: “What is the negro grimacing at? Grimace?”
This refers to Crosby’s Concussions team picture. I would like the think the negro is grimacing as a result of brain freeze from eating chilled watermelon. If you think that is racist, you should see Santa:
5. On Super Sperm vs. Me So Vyborny matchup: “Boy Schwabbs ur twins have taken the shit out of our anus an dturned you into the worst fuck ever.”
I am honestly at a loss here. I think it has something to do with Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble having kids and not having enough time to pound the shit out of Jesse’s anus, which is most likely what Jesse was getting at.
6. On Captain Chinese versus Bizzarohawks matchup: “bad bad bad bad.”
(nodding head in agreement)
7. On Clarence Swampton vs. Kanucks matchup: “2 losers don’t make it a win.”
They do if it is these two, at least for the rest of us:
I imagine Cook’s wife was both angry and impressed when she woke up to find Jesse looking like this (the Gorilla exhibited adaptive thinking!):
I strongly encourage all of you to get drunk more often and share your thoughts on the league openly.
