Another New GM in the Halls of Greatness

Two juggernauts enter the Anze Cup finals this week, Jesse Loves Paymon squeaking by in a closer than it looked matchup, and Pistol’s Hellcats continuing to dominate.  Once again, a league virgin is in the playoffs, congratulations to GM Pete Shpak.  Just like in real life,  it took GM Steve McIntyre a ridiculously long time to lose his virginity; this time, it is fantasy hockey playoff virginity, as he takes his first playoff appearance ever into the finals.  The Anze Cup is being cleaned as we speak so that the winner will get to notice how much better beer tastes out of the Anze Cup versus a regular glass (hint: a lot).   This matchup is pretty evenly matched and will come down to one thing:  Pistol’s Hellcats has 60% of their offense from two teams.  If those teams go into a slump, the Anze Cup will be raised by Jesse Loves Paymon.  If they go gangbusters this week, GM Pete Shpak will be holding the Anze Cup high above his head (and at our eye level).  I love the final week of March.  The Anze Cup will be crowned, March Madness will come to an end, the Masters is one week away, and the Bigger Dance is about to start.  Prediciton:  Canucks and Red Wings have a slow week, and Jesse Loves Paymon raises the Anze Cup out of Pete Shpak's reach.  Best of luck, gentlemen.

For the most part, the 2011-12 draft has been figured out, and you can see it on the league transactions and trades workbook (see sidebar).  Changes to draft order as a result of trades have been referenced as applicable.  GMs are responsible for ensuring changes in draft order are correct.

As the year winds down, it is time to vote on a couple of awards.  Lets take a look at the awards and the nominees.

Jack Adams Award

This award is given to the GM adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success.  This year we have two nominees, Anze Cup finalist Pistol Hellcat's and the playoff dark horse and semifinalist Everett Silvertips.  Pete Shpak of Pistol's Hellcats deftly assembled a powerhouse through trades and waiver acquisitions.  The question is, did he overpay for a championship year and sacrifice his long term future?  With only two picks in the first four rounds next year, this team might be a little to reliant on too few players for years to come.  Meanwhile, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips made many moves that led to constant mockery and some pitiful statistics, but he stuck to his vision and ended up with a team that was top 3 in scoring in the last eight weeks of the league.   Juggling of plugs in net became an issue (but, ironically, did not lead to this team's downfall), but, with Hall and Tavares and half of this team's draft picks next year in the first four rounds, has Watson put this team in position to be a long term powerhouse?

[polldaddy poll=4805089]

Eugene Adams Award

This award is given to the GM who had the least to do with his team's success, or made the biggest impact in preventing them from being successful.  Named after Jack's retarded step brother who couldn't say no to a cool glass of antifreeze.  The first nominee, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon,  thought his team sucked at the draft, and wanted a redo.  He then made 8 moves.  So he had a shitty team (so he thought) and then did nothing about it, and is in the finals.  The other is Siberian Bert Fong of Captain Chinese, who sat on two overperforming goalies with decent (and by decent, I mean shitty) offense, and instead of selling high on either, did nothing and had a quick exit in the first round (Bert was last seen building a railroad in northern Canada).

[polldaddy poll=4805130]

Andy Kordyban Award (a.k.a "The Duke of Fantasy Hockey trophy")

This prestigious award can be given out for several reasons, because like its namesake, this trophy covers so many areas.  Should it go to Scott Freeland for incredible bad luck?  Should it go to Cole Ballard for his Eeyore like mentality?  Should it go to Ryan Schauble for studying the numbers like the Duke studies Hasting Park handicap and walking away still lacking any clue whatsoever?  Dave Kitchen for his complete lack of comedic timing or funny bone?  Or, should it go to Jesse Cook for his well timed humour at the expense of others (even though, like the Duke, we are laughing at Jesse, not with him)?  Let the voice of the people be heard.

[polldaddy poll=4805181]

Happy voting people.

The Road to the Anze Cup

What a Sunday that was.  Even the match that wasn’t even close ended 7-6.  First time I have ever seen a match end in a tie as well, with season head-to-head record being the tiebreaker.  Three of the matches came down to the last 2 minutes of the last game on Sunday, Calgary versus Anaheim.  In one match, a game winning goal by Glencross or Bourque would have given Anzoolander a win, but instead Pistol Hellcats took it on a tie.  In another, Teemu Selanne’s late third period assist pushed Jesse Loves Paymon into the lead, when a tie would have eliminated this team from the playoffs.  In yet another, if the final goal had been Visnovsky to Perry, Super Sperm might not be competing in the consolation bracket, also known as the Spanky Cup.

Lets look at this week’s semifinal matchups.  I was 2-2 in last week’s predictions, though I could just have easily been 4-0.

Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Malkin in the Middle – Can Jack Adams nominee Pete Shpak lead his team to the Anze Cup finals?  Based on how this team started the year, it would be pretty miraculous.  Both MITM and PH put up similar numbers this past week, so look for this to be a dead heat all the way to end.  Both have the same number of games offensively, though PH has one more from a d-man, and MITM has one more from a forward.  That could be the difference maker.  Prediction:  MITM goes to the finals and Sidney Crosby is in the starting lineup when he gets there….7-6-3

Jesse Loves Paymon vs. Everett Silvertips – Can  The magical ride continues for the come-out-of-nowhere Silvertips?  JLP won their season bout handily, but the Silvertips only have five players from that matchup on their active roster.  This is a matchup of the best team statistically during the year and the hottest team.  It is only a matter of time before performance returns to the statistical mean, so I gotta go with the powerhouse.  Prediction:  Everett Silvertip’s band of plugs in net spontaneously combust and JLP waltzes into the Anze Cup finals…10-4-2

For teams competing in the Spanky Cup, keep in mind that tournament has no bearing on your finish in league standings as far as the draft lottery is concerned.  You finish is calculated by the round you were eliminated and your playoff seeding; the higher the seed, the higher in the standings (i.e., Super Sperm was a one seed, and gagged like Jesse on Paymon’s pork sword, was knocked out in the first round with four teams remaining, so that team finished fifth).  The lottery for playoff teams who did not make the Anze Cup will be done after this week.  Contrary to what Bert thinks, because he is an idiot, teams not in the Anze Cup playoffs are locked out of free agency to make the most players available to teams still in the Anze Cup, and to stop shenanigans.

Good luck to all still in this beauty.

The Draft

As noted in the charter, the six teams that fail to make the playoffs are all fighting for the first six picks in the next year’s draft.  The probabilities for each team getting the number 1 pick are as follows:

Finish	Probability
9	5%
10	9%
11	14%
12	19%
13	24%
14	29%

Using those probabilities and the wonderful world of Excel, the first six draft picks in each round will be as follows:

Pick	General Manager
1	Scott Freeland
2	David Kitchen
3	Mike Gaunt
4	Chris Thomas
5	Cole Ballard
6	Matt Meier

After adjusting for trades made during the year, we have the following order for the first six of the first round:

Pick	General Manager
1	Scott Freeland
2	David Kitchen
3	David Kitchen (from Mike Gaunt)
4	Chris Thomas
5	Cole Ballard
6	Matt Meier

Be interesting to see what David does with those two picks.

Playoffs? You Want To Talk About Playoffs? Playoffs?!?

The regular season is over and Stupid Sperm has won the President’s Cup.  It is late, I have a shitty internet connection and had too many margaritas and too much BBQ down in Austin, TX tonight, so lets get right to the matchups.

1)  Super Sperm vs. 8)  Everett Silvertips

It is a miracle the Everett Silvertips are even in the playoffs, going from 14th to 8th in 5 short weeks.these teams split their last matchup despite the Silvertips having two starting players out with injuries.  With Super Sperm on fire and Everett Silvertips waning after the loss of Taylor Hall and Drew Stafford, I expect a bloodbath.   Prediction:  Super Sperm stays super and wins 10-5-1

2)  Malkin in the Middle vs.  7)  Captain Chinese

The rankings are flipped as a result of Malkin winning the Clarence Campbell conference; Captain Chinese actually has the better record.  Don’t let the record fool you, as Malkin may be peaking at the right time.  Malkin put up some very solid numbers this past week.  That is the beauty of fantasy hockey though, as one week’s golden boy is another week’s dog.  This matchup is gonna be a dog fight and should be the most interesting of the week.  Prediction:  Captain Chinese gives his goaltenders a few pointers, and they lose, 7-5-4

3)  Pistol Hellcats vs. 5)  Anzoolander

This matchup will be decided on how the Vancouver Canucks play this week.  If it is well, Pistol wins, if it isn’t, Anzoolander wins. Prediction:  Anzoolander walks away with a win, further enhancing Pete’s unfiltered, obsessive, idolization of Jesse, 10-5-1

4)  Not Poodle!!! vs.  Jesse Loves Paymon

I can’t figure out whey JLP is a five seed. I also can’t figure out why Milan Lucic and Zdeno Chara are not suspended, instead they are just piling on PIMs and points for not poodle.  I really think this matchup has no business being close, but what the fuck do I know?  Prediction:  Jesse Loves Paymon continues to be a statistical wonderchild, but somehow falls, 7-6-3

Reminder that all those no longer in the Anze Cup playoffs have their rosters locked, they can still tweak their starting lineups, but cannot utilize free agency or waivers.  Teams will be allowed to trade subsequent to the completion of the Anze Cup playoffs based on the rosters at the end of the year.  Two weeks prior to the draft will be the offseason trade deadline, and general managers must declare their four keepers.

Good luck Roy.