How Champions Are Not Made

Nice moves…what a bad, bad team.

Power Rankings: Week 14

You know that saying a picture is worth a thousand words?  Well, this week the power rankings will be presented in the form of pictures.  These pictures represent the average ranking by total numbers for each category, and show through statistics which teams are doing well and which teams are hysterically bad.  Keep in mind that statistics can be manipulated to say anything, and 50% of all statistics are made up.  I tried really hard, but couldn’t get any of the tables below to spell out “Jesse is gay” with the various data lines.

The first chart shows which teams dominate on offense:

If you can’t see it, that top line is Jesse loves Paymon.  It is a little scary.  Even scarier is the offensive header into cement Sultan HC has taken.

The following chart is how teams’ goaltenders are faring:

As you can see (or maybe you can't), Captain Chinese is on the verge of a nosedive, failing to move any players when hot for talent and/or picks, and as a result, has diminished its chances of taking the Anze Cup.  This is expected when a team is managed by a Siamese.  Also of note is the sharp uptick on Me So Vyborny, a team that is finally healthy.  Lastly, the Everett Silvertips should just start nobody in net, as it wouldn’t have affected the outcome of any of the team’s last four matchups one bit.

Finally, lets take a look at the overall statistics:

Some observations;

This league is becoming a two horse race.  Super Sperm and Jesse loves Paymon are a cut above the rest, while the Kanucks and Everett Silvertips are clearly poo.

Me So Vyborny will be the dark horse come playoff time.  When healthy, they can spar with anyone.

Pistol Hellcat’s will live and die by the Canucks.  One cold week during our playoffs, and this team loses.

And with that, I bid you all a good night.  Except you Fatty.  Go fuck yourself.

Power Rankings: Week 13

It has been a while as I circumnavigated the globe in a lawn chair tied to hundreds of helium balloons.  I am back now, so here we go.

1.  Super Sperm (Previous: 3) – No. 2 offense + No. 2 defense = No. 1 team.  Keeper Phil Kessel and crew are firing on all cylinders.

2.  Jesse Loves Paymon (1) – Statistically, this team has one of the most prolific offenses in fantasy hockey history.  Defensively, this team can be streaky and that may be the downfall of the team.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (4) – Has rattled off six straight wins against mostly the bottom of this league while putting up some monster numbers.  It will be interesting to see how this team does when the schedule rotates back into the top tier of the league and if the Canucks go into a slump.  The team may suffer a bit from GM Pete Shpak starting up a blog about what to do in Vancouver, B.C.  From what I can tell so far, all there is to do is eat, drink, or listen to someone singing while you eat and drink.  If this blog doesn’t include Brandy’s at some point I can only assume GM Pete Shpak is gay.

4.  Malkin in the Middle (6) – I can’t figure out which team is gonna show up from week to week, but this team has shown it has what it takes to compete.  It also has shown it is awful.  I am just confused.

5.  Captain Chinese (2) – What does a team do with two goalies who are playing out of their minds and a mid-tier offense?  If the GM is Cambodian Bert Fong…nothing.  Now Halak and Price have cooled down, and this team is worse than it was.  I don’t see this team going far in the playoffs, and I don’t see Bert Fong winning GM of the year.

6.  Me So Vyborny (10) – Identity crisis in net right now with Martin Brodeur looking like Mike Brodeur.  Young buck Corey Crawford has carried the reigns and with Steve Downie and Marian Hossa back from injury this team could do some damage.

7.  Not Poodle (8) – The shit kicking this week exposed the weaknesses in this team.  I am not a big fan of this team, but I can’t place my finger on why.  Having only one starting goalie who is on an awful team might be why.

8.  Sultan HC (9) – Improvement in goaltending is being offset by a severe decrease in offense.  This team barely beats teams below it and loses to teams above it.  With Michael Neuvirth back, will this team move any of its goalies to generate some offense?  Or will GM Cole Ballard pull a George McPhee and think that the Capitals is enough to win it all?

9.  This Space 4 Rent $5 (7) – Has lost to some of the worst teams in the league the last few weeks.  GM Mike Gaunt is taking the Obama perspective on his team, blaming the problems on someone else, namely, Yahoo!.  It is a sound and logical argument.  You wouldn’t understand, only academics get it.

10.  Texans (11) - Stamped losing six straight weeks with an ass kicking this past week to make it seven.  Shit is falling apart, fast.  Chris Stewart and Zach Parise can’t get back fast enough.

11.  Kanucks (12) – Still awful, but better than the teams below it.  At least the D-men are producing, but that is about it.

12.  Bizzarohawks (13) – The trade for Spezza to stir things up didn’t really work out, and this team’s misfortunes over the year can really only be attributed to one thing…it is in Cleveland.

13.  Anzoolander (5) – Got absolutely pummeled by the worst team in the league (I could try and soften the loss by saying “arguably worst” but who’s kidding who?).  When you get ass pummeled so bad your anal bleeding is coming out of your ears, you earn a spot at the bottom.

22.  Everett Silvertips (18) – The only question for this team is which will be worse by the end of the year, its power ranking or its +/-, currently –66?  Try to say that Devan Dubnyk is a starting goalie on this team without chuckling, I dare you.

No trades or comments worth sharing.. you are boring.