Smack Talk. Drunk.

Periodically we are fortunate enough to have a league general manager dabble a little too much in the moon shine and give his thoughts on the current status of the league. 
Last night happened to be one of these nights, and I thought  quick break down of GM Jesse Cook’s drunken chirping was in order.  No grammar or spelling has been corrected (as you will clearly see).

1.  On his own matchup: “Fuck me losing to Fatty is like like losing to Steve at The Wild Coyote----Im terrible i should kill myself.”

As any teenager from Richmond in the late 90s would know, the Wild Coyote was a lower tier “nightclub” on the south border of Vancouver that was full of slutty, easy girls.  You could literally be dead, and still take a girl home from that place.  Steve never did, because standing in the corner talking to no one is apparently not the best strategy for getting laid, just the best strategy for having some alone time later to pound the meat whistle.

2.  On the Everett Silvertip vs. Texans matchup: “2 gamers dont make a right.” 

On the surface, this refers to the fact that both Silvertips’ GM Court Watson and Texans’ GM Chris Thomas own an Xbox 360 and entertain themselves playing it while they wait for their wives to get ready for outings.  A psychiatrist would say this is Jesse hiding the inadequacies he feels in dealing in the modern era of technology, as newer devices don’t lend themselves to the hands, and brain, of a semi-retarded gorilla.

While we are on this subject, can someone tell me why some guys complain when their significant other takes forever to get ready?  Are you an idiot?  Do you actually want to go to wherever you are supposed to be?  99% of the time it isn’t front row seats to a sporting event, it is probably to either 1) hang out with her friends, 2) hang out with other couples, which is also boring or 3) go to something super stupid, like the Juno awards or a Michael Buble concert.  I always encourage my wife to take as much time as she needs and try on as many outfits as possible, because, yes, those jeans do make your ass look huge.

3.  On the Flowers in the Cage vs. Jesse Loves Paymon matchup: “You both are terrible at Fantasy--just awful.” 

This one is actually on point, pretty lucid based on how drunk Cook seems.

4.  On the Pistol Hellcat’s vs. Crosby’s Concussions matchup: “What is the negro grimacing at? Grimace?” 

This refers to Crosby’s Concussions team picture.  I would like the think the negro is grimacing as a result of brain freeze from eating chilled watermelon.  If you think that is racist, you should see Santa:

Merry Fucking Christmas. Except you, Miguel.

5.  On Super Sperm vs. Me So Vyborny matchup:  “Boy Schwabbs ur twins have taken the shit out of our anus an dturned you into the worst fuck ever.” 

I am honestly at a loss here.  I think it has something to do with Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble having kids and not having enough time to pound the shit out of Jesse’s anus, which is most likely what Jesse was getting at.

6.  On Captain Chinese versus Bizzarohawks matchup: “bad bad bad bad.”

(nodding head in agreement)

7.  On Clarence Swampton vs. Kanucks matchup: “2 losers don’t make it a win.” 

They do if it is these two, at least for the rest of us:

Yay for losers.

I imagine Cook’s wife was both angry and impressed when she woke up to find Jesse looking like this (the Gorilla exhibited adaptive thinking!):

I strongly encourage all of you to get drunk more often and share your thoughts on the league openly.

Power Rankings: Week 9

We are almost half way through the season and there is beginning to be clear separation between the haves and have nots. If I was an Occupy Wallstreet douchebag, I would demand that the top two teams give me their players for nothing, demanding someone else pay my league dues and someone else pay my transaction fees, and then accuse everyone else of being greedy, because I am entitled, hypocritical douchebag. But I am not, so I say good on them.

1. Anzoolander (Previous: 2) – We have a new number one in the League. Ryan Miller is returning and just in time, as the Wall is starting to show cracks and Harding’s time is becoming more limited.

2. Me So Vyborny (1) – Goalies are a concern for this team, as the Bruins look like they are giving Thomas a rest, and Crawford sucks. Good thing this team has Vezina candidate Al Montoya waiting in the wings.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – This team is firing on all cylinders and shouldn’t miss GM Pete Shpak when he leaves to fulfill his holiday obligations.

You mean you didn’t know Pete was a elf? Wasn’t it obvious?

4. Captain Chinese (7) – Love the trade GM Bert Fong pulled off securing arguably the best sophmore player in the league in Jordan Eberle. This team will eventually self destruct, but I am in the holiday spirit, so I rank them here.

5. Kanucks (4) – Dave, hope you are feeling better after being sick, and that you learned a valuable lesson:

6. Everett Silvertips (5) – GM Court Watson, after watching both Taylor Hall and Mike Richards go on injured reserve this week:

7. Bizzarohawks (3) – GM Scott Freeland, upon seeing the how badly his team got beat by a team that lost two of its best players:

8. Texans (10) – 24 points with Zac Parise on the bench. WTF was Zac Parise doing on the bench, ever?

9. Not Poodle (12) – This is exactly the right role for Fatty, given how much value he adds to anything his fantasy hockey team:

10. Crosby’s Concussions (11) – We learned that Crosby can’t make a bad fantasy team good, or even average, or even slightly better than poor. Trade a goalie or something.

11. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Heading into this week, JLP was ranked dead last in four statistical categories, which is more than any other team, so it is the best at the worst, which is nice. The key to salvation? Tyler Ennis and Steve Mason. Yeah, I started chuckling too.

12. Flowers In The Cage (13) – I just looked at the stats and this team’s lineup. I think Brodeur might not be the best goalie in the league anymore; call me crazy, but I am gonna go with my instincts on this one. If I wasn’t so lazy, I would re-rank this team as last, but I am.

13. Super Sperm (8) – The team got pounded this week, and then tossed aside like a rag doll (click on the picture to make it move):

14. Clarence Swampton (14) – How bad has it gotten? Yes, this bad:

Power Rankings: Week 8

First, apologies to all for the lack of posts; hopefully things should pick up after the exam next weekend, CFA Level 1.  Not, not Crossfit Foundation Asshole Level 1, but Chartered Financial Analyst Level 1; the same exam I will probably take in June.

Luckily, we have a guest contributor who is helping out and I must say it is one of the finest posts this blog has offered.  I am pretty sure you will be able to figure it out who posted it, and all content, other than spelling and minor grammar, has not been modified.

“It is embarrassing how boring some of you are. This is a $20 pool based on bragging rights and trash talking...multiple cuts will occur to those of you who continue to hide behind your vagina's. I have faith in all of you...the same faith that Steve has in Paymon's cock being in Steve's anus every single week.

1) Me So Vyborny (Previous week: 1) – With Thomas and Crawford playing lights out, and a very well spread out offense, this is the type of team Ruxin would love to rub one out on:

(Editor’s note: if you haven’t seen “The League” on FX, do yourself a favor and watch season 1 and 2 in one sitting.  If you have, two words: vinegar strokes.)

2) Anzoolander (3) – This teams offense just continues to shit kick his opponents due to the Fantasy greatness that GM Jesse Cook possesses. The goalie situation could be worse if not for picking up the single greatest NHL goalie to ever strap on the pads---Brian "The Wall" Elliot. The Wall's so good he makes you wanna sing and dance!

3) Bizzarohawks (5) – Never once has Freeland been even close to the top of any Fantasy Rankings. Something smells odd...so when I received this text from his baby boy Sam it all makes sense. "Dear Uncle Jesse, as you can probably tell I am now the GM of Bizzarohawks, as after I saw Dad bend himself over with the first pick in the draft I had to take action. While he is great at running long distances, he is a fucking disgrace to NHL Fantasy hockey----fuck me if I ever have to be part of a basement dweller as long as I shall live. I look forward to meeting you soon, and want to dominate the Commodore in the future. 70's suits, Parachutes and Slewts. Your protégé, Sam.”

4) Kanucks (2) – This team could win with almost any GM. When GM Anzoolander commented last Saturday "wow---great match" the reply was "I haven't been able to check---I'm sick." This is why God (a man) invented apps for your iPhone (we know you have one) so you can check Fantasy Hockey and porn on a hand held device. I guess I'd be sick if I had to teach this though....

 

(Editor’s note:  Dave also has an Maxipad is his ass iPad.)

5) Everett Silvertips (8) – Thank you, Court for finally picking a fucking team and sticking with them---albiet the shittiest team in the league with no hope of making the playoffs. The league should know that the GM Anzoolander, Jesse Cook, will be $50 richer at the end of the season when the Isles fail to make the playoffs. This will most likely be by February....thank you in advance. By the way, did you cheat on your wife? This kid IS yours...

(Editor’s note:  Reached out to GM Court Watson for comment; “I have no words, I can only hope my son is half the man this kid is.”)

6) Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – Pretty solid overall team, but like most GM's is leaning on one stud goalie and relying on miracles by his 2nd/3rd terrible netminders to hold the fort. Curtis Sanford put up Vezina worthy numbers this week, but with the team in front of him how can this last? It's time for some trades to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Daniel Sedin for Taylor Hall-----I like it!  What...Hall is out with a shoulder injury? Oh, in that case sucked in Court!

(Editor’s note: best looking jersey around.)

7) Captain Chinese (14) – With by far the biggest leap of the week, GM Bert Fong has relied on pure ruck to get this team back in contention. Everyone else below you should most likely quit right now----seriously. For the out-of-towners in our league who may not know what Bert looks like, you bunch of fuck-ups are losing to this fucking guy:

(Editor’s note: ‘nodding head in agreement’)

8) Super Sperm (12) – This team is a bubble franchise at best (thanks to no Kessel keeper obv), and Brandon Dubinsky (Anzoolander's sloppy seconds) is not the answer (what the hell is wrong with this guy this season?). With Ryan Miller's return unknown, Enroth will help SS in the interim, but once Miller comes back SS will be back to 1 starter, 1 back-up and 1 AHL back-up. PS - is this guy gonna stop doing ads every 5 seconds and score a fucking goal?

9) Jesse Loves Paymon (4) – This entire team has Vertigo----Hiller----lol lol lol. When you are relying on your two Util players to make up for the lack of production of one of the best offensive teams on paper (in 2008), you are putting your team in the hands of pure evil.

10) Texans (10) – This ranking has nothing to do with hockey. First you marry my sister (rendering burns on you useless), then you go ahead and buy my dream truck. You've been shunned (nice truck though).

11) Crosby’s Concussions (13) – All you have is Crosby, and with him you have an actual chance to squeak thru to the payoffs----fuck me is he amazing (8 points in 4 games)!  He is the reason why Canada will always be better than the U.S. (remember this?):

(Editor’s note: well played sir.)

12) Not Poodle (7) – Better week by this sad sack of losers. I'd rather watch this movie one thousand times more than hang out with Fatty.

13) Flowers In The Cage (11) – In the battle of the bottom feeders you won, so you are not the worst, just 2nd worst. It is interesting how the curse of Anze has plummeted your team into the depths of despair. It is like you have a concussion that will never go away---fogging your thoughts like your brother, Peter Mueller. Please get better----we miss you.

14) Clarence Swamptown (9) – When you state " Anze may have the moves, but Clarence is Tappin that Kathryn Tappen," you must realize that she is a 5.5 at best (see below), a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey, and Anze takes down only the finest models the world has to offer. You "Tappin" this disgrace basically sums up your year this far...you'll drink 34 shots of Jack Daniels then manage an NHL Fantasy team/take home whatever is left in the bar. Luongo/Nabokov coming back won't help you, having shit players won't help you, not making trades won't help you....you're in trouble....you're in the Swamp.

(Editor’s note:  Well done, and I strongly encourage all of you to submit content anytime; you will find it to be almost therapeutic and actually kind of fun.)

Power Rankings: Week 6

Did you miss me?  I missed you.

1) Me So Vyborny (Previous week: 3) – This team continues to keep opponents at bay, lead by the strong play of Timmy Thomas and Zdeno Chara.  I don’t think this team has what it takes to be a champion, but I have been wrong before in my life.  I think once.

2) Kanucks (1) – Every person on this team was on fire to begin the year.  Gradually, the have returned to their statistical means.  Don’t tell GM Dave Kitchen that, because he is an idiot and will interpret that last sentence as me making fun of his newborn daughter.  On second thought, please tell him that.

3) Anzoolander (5) – Have I ever said how much I like Jamie Benn?   I love him.  The offense continues to hide a very, very weak goaltending squad, and Miller getting shitkicked by Lucic didn’t help.  I don’t see too much of problem though, as GM Jesse Cook stays active and makes the moves that need to be made.

4) Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – Team has come alive, though no credit is due to the GM.  Easily the worst GM in fantasy hockey existence.  Ever.

5) Bizzarohawks (13) – The netminder make up for the weak offense, but I like this team’s prospects.  Going to be up to GM Scott Freeland whether or not they make a title run, which they can if he makes the right moves.  You know, Loui Eriksson is turning out to be a decent number one pick when you compare him to Claude…shit, I tried.  Awful pick Freeland.

6) Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – One part offense, zero part defense.  This team has no chance.

7) Not Poodle (10) – Picked up Khabibulin while he peaked; in other words, he bought high.  Stupid trade Fatty.  You suck.

8) Everett Silvertips (4) – Smoke and mirrors.  While this team keeps up with the top teams, it can’t beat shitty teams, which is a better indicator of how bad this team is.

9) Clarence Swamptown (12) – Do you even remember you are in this league?

10) Texans (7) – Real life Eric Staal is indicative of this entire team.  Huge slump, nobody knows how to fix it.

11) Flowers In The Cage (14) – Making a great comeback to average.  Yay for average.

12) Super Sperm (8) – What a bad team.  At least Rinne is a keeper.

13) Crosby’s Concussions (2) – Has had a rough past 4 weeks in head to head matchups and has dropped off the map statistically;  Offense went from #2 to #12 and Goaltending went from #3 to #11.  The return of Crosby should turn both of those around, because he is a god.

14) Captain Chinese (9) – Exactly where this team should be.  Andrew Brunette was recently promoted to poster boy for this team.

Power Rankings: Week 2

Anyone else stare at stattracker like it is seductive naked temptress?  Here we go.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1):  Team keeps plugging along though there might be some warning signs in net.  As Bryzgalov tires, will his performance deteriorate similar to Crossfit North Vancouver’s profit as the supply curve shifts to the right?  Probably, but I don’t think we are there yet (for both).

2.  Crosby’s Concussions (5) – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre said that Thomas Vanek was riding Luke Adam’s coattails and that was the reason for his success.  Given last week’s performance, the league has begun to understand why Steve didn’t win GM of the year last year and his championship was a fluke. 

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Yes, this team beat the worst team in the league, but still put up decent numbers doing so.  Phil Kessel continues to light it up.  The concern on this team may be Al Montoya, who despite his clear Vezina candidacy, may see more of a time share with Evgeni Nabokov.

4.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Average offense hidden by stellar goaltending.  Hopefully the introduction of Martin Havlat, who seems to be gelling with Couture and Clowe quite nicely in his two games since returning from injury, can spark the offense.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Big win and an upgrade on defense this week (more on that later).  Starting Brian “The Wall” Elliot is always suspect though.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – As usual, tagging right along behind Jesse, his favorite spot.  Let’s see if he can finally rise above his idol mancrush dream lover hero friend.

7.  Texans (11) – Goaltending covered weak offense.  Waiting for this team to warm up, which is kind of scary since they are third overall.

8.  Super Sperm (7) – This team needs Phil Kessel.  Sergei Bobby is not the solution.

9.  Captain Chinese (4) – Holy shit, even before the Andrew Brunette debacle, this team set a near record for lowest points in a week.   Many of you noticed the trade this past week, in which Anzoolander stole an offensive defender in Christian Ehrhoff and dumped Andrew Brunette.  Here is how I envisioned it in GM Bert Fong’s little Japanese mind using the tried and true Bertmetrics:

“If I can get a LW slated to be the 301 best player in the league, and he is playing as though he is the 276^th player, is 38 years old, and he is only eligible for LW, and I have 4 others eligible for that position that are playing better, 2 others on IR that are forecasted to be better, giving me a total of 7 options at LW, and all I have to give up is an elite defender with offensive talent and will probably have more points this season than the LW’s best season of his 16 year career, and my third defender is great, but is also 36 and played 50 games last year, should I take that deal?

In a fucking heart beat.”

When I reached out to Bert to corroborate the thought process, he corrected one thing:

“Heartbeat is one word.”

And guess what, Pronger is now hurt.  Well played Bert.  You suck.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (14) – Stevie Franchise is no longer Stevie Franchise.  Fatty called it.  Duncan Keith is his best player.  That is sad.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – The only team in the league that has a keeper playing on the fourth line.

12.  Clarence Swampton (10) – Luongo sucks.  This team sucks.

13.  Bizzarohawks (12) – C’mon god, give this team a break.  Sounds like Max Pacioretty got dinged pretty bad and will be out for some time.

14.  Flowers in The Cage (13) – I can’t say it any better than GM Cole Ballard: “What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole team is this?”

Everyone has paid except Dave Kitchen and Fatty.  Rosters lock November 1 for you two clowns.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Has there ever been a year where the NHL scheduling has been such an impact than it will be this first couple of weeks?  We will have some teams with almost as many games this upcoming week alone as others will have played so far in this fresh young season.  It will be tough to get a good sense of the relative strengths of each team in this league until it evens out.  However, that won’t stop me from trying, and pissing everyone off in the process.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1) – This season may forever be remembered as the year of the Loui, as the clear best player in the draft magically didn’t get drafted number 1 and fell right into GM Dave Kitchen’s lap.  I said I liked this team at the draft, but I didn’t know how Dave would fuck it up.  I still don’t.  Having Michael Cammalleri and Evgeni Malkin out for at least this week will hurt, but not as much as one would think as this team relied on strong netminding and contributions from the entire team.  Dave recently went through an identity crisis, changing the team name at one point to “Crossfit Cuntfaces” which Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook accurately observed “is by far the best team name, Kitchen.”  It sounds like Dave offended himself in naming his team, but the name really couldn’t be any more accurate, as noted in the video below.  It may be a cartoon, but go to any CrossFit gym in the world and it will be scary how accurate this video is.

A real, live Cuntface.

2.  Me So Vyborny – Thanks to keeper Phil Kessel, this team touts the top offense in the league.  Four games this week for Kessel will certainly help this team continue its strong start.  What the fuck was Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble thinking trading away Phil Kessel?  What a retarded move.

3.  Everett Silvertips – It is very, very weird to see this team 1) with a winning record before late February, if at all and 2) with the second best goalie tandem in the league.  May get creamed this week with its biggest offensive guns sitting out because of only two games on the schedule, but GM Court Watson is beginning to realize that, so far this season, Drew Doughty on IR is better than Duncan Keith in the starting roster (and go fuck yourself, Fatty).

4.  Captain Chinese – Looked good this first week; but would you really want to brag that Shane Doan and Optimus Reim are carrying your team?  I wouldn’t.

5.  Crosby’s Concussions – Good week and Crosby has been cleared for contact…oh shit.

6.  Jesse Love’s Paymon – Man, the guy you are playing impregnates your sister and then humiliates you in fantasy hockey.  Top that off by losing $20 in the most moronic manner I have ever seen and this is one bad week for GM Steve McIntyre.  I will reenact how to lose $20, Steve McIntyre style.

Steve:  Tell me who you think will win the Stanley Cup this year.  I will be you $20 they don’t.

Jesse:  I think a team that plays in the NHL will win the Stanley Cup.  Ka-Boom.

Well played, Cook.

7.  Super Sperm – Pimping Nugent-Hopkins apparently isn’t easy, with all trades being rejected, from absurd to a bargain for the other team (I am looking at you, Clarence Swampton).  Maybe it will work out because the learning curve appears pretty steep with the young hockey Jedi, and the NHL gives him credit on goals he didn’t score.

8.  Anzoolander – Anze delivered and will be in the Rocket Richard race all year but this team needs more from Jaroslav Halak, who may go down in a long line of first round busts by GM Jesse Cook, arguably the Matt Millen of fantasy hockey.

9.  Pistol’s Hellcats – I think we can give the most assists in the league to this team.  Unfortunately, that is only one category of many.  Goalies may be a problem, with one concussed and one playing like he is over 40 (because he is over 40).  Hopefully he learned from last season and knows what to do (hint: sell high on Williams).

10.  Clarence Swampton – After this week’s performance, turning Stamkos into prospects might not be such a bad idea after all.

11.  Texans – Interesting to see if Schneider can help this team compete in goaltending categories; this team is the fantasy version of Roberto Luongo right now.  I still think this team can be a contender and is just having a slow start, but we shall see.

12.  Bizarrohawks – I have come to believe that GM Scott Freeland’s fantasy hockey karma is derived from hitting range balls with a brand new driver not yet paid for.  That is the only thing I can figure.

13.  Flowers in the Cage – GM Cole Ballard asked “should I be in panic mode yet?”  To which I respond; perhaps.

14.  Not Poodle!!! – At least you have Duncan Keith.  Jerk.

A reminder – payment is due by October 31.  Failure to pay by then will result in the suspension of your team from adding or dropping players.  Failure to pay by November 15 will result in the inability to adjust your roster week to week.  The preferred method is Paypal; it will take you two minutes to sign up and you can pay by credit card.  Payments can be sent to puckyourself at live dot com.  League dues owed can be found here.

The Draft

And the number one pick is…Loui Eriksson!

In the spirit of the season, with kids and teachers headed back to school, lets look at how the teams did in the draft and grade them accordingly. By the way, is there anything more annoying than facebook status updates from teachers complaining about having to go back to work after the summer off? The people with merit-based real jobs don’t want to hear that shit.

1. Texans (Previous: 4) – Really like where this team is headed. Lots of depth with plenty of players that are eligible at multiple positions, and a good chunk of talent. If this team stays healthy, it could be a title run. I can’t wait for GM Chris Thomas to rub the Anze Cup in brother-in-law and Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook’s face. Draft Grade: A

2. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) – A smart draft, not an exciting one and got some gems, some of them way later than I expected, especially Seabrook. Took a flyer on Jonas Hiller that I think will pay off. Wouldn’t be surprised if this team returned to the Anze Cup Finals. Draft Grade: B+

3. Anzoolander (5) – Very solid draft from Mr. Cook, a first for him. RW is a potential liability but with five players who could have great years you have to figure two of them will pan out. Draft Grade: A

4. Flowers in the Cage (6) – Very well rounded team talent wise, but a bit of concern as far as too many players on only a few teams. Also, not one goalie comes from a team that made the playoffs last year, with two of them absolutely awful. Hopefully those teams make a turnaround this year. Draft: B

5. Pistol’s Hellcats (2) – Not having a pick in the first 12 rounds really hurt this team. I think I see four players I would consider starting in this league (Sedin, Sedin, Lundqvist, and Iginla), and 7 guys who have been around so long I can see them retiring as a result of being fragile, old or sucking (Smyth, Cole, Williams, Corvo, Stoll, Timmonen and Roloson). Lets see what magic Jack Adams recipient Pete Shpak can do this year..should be fun to watch. Anyone see anyone on his team you want in a trade other than his keepers? Grade: C-

6. Super Sperm (1) – what the fuck was that train wreck of a draft strategy? Grade: F

7. Everett Silvertips (9) – Another young team with a starting lineup projected to be all ranked in the top 100, so look for this entire team to be ranked around 400 one month into the season. Better goalies than this team has had in years though (which isn’t saying much) and some new players, this team is a crapshoot. Grade: B-

8. Clarence Swampton (7) – Solid goalies, solid players, could be better though, could be worse. A lot of wait and sees (especially Nabakov). Grade: B-

9. Bizzarohawks (11) – The first pick will be remembered for sometime. As Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook put it “I still cannot get over Loui Ericksson….maybe Baio want’s to bone him just like Steve always enjoys a good boning from Paymon.” Other than that, I think there were a lot of good picks, and I hope this team can turn it around after nothing but depression since the league was founded. Grade: B-

10. Crosby’s Concussions (8) – Some potential talent, but very heavy on a few teams, which could be problematic. Crosby is obviously a huge question mark. The sooner he gets back, the better. Grade: C

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – I like a lot of this team, but I think health will be a concern. Expect Frolik to have a big year if lined up with Bolland; would almost think this it the team with the GM who loves the Blackhawks looking at the roster. Grade: C+

12. Captain Chinese (10) – You suck Bert Grade: C-

13. Kanucks (14) – If the Dave Kitchen wasn’t so bad at fantasy hockey, I would rank this team a lot higher. I expect this team to be a pretty good contender this season. Grade: B

14. Not Poodle!!! (13) – I feel like half the guys GM Matt Welsh drafted are staples on his fantasy teams, and since historically they have sucked, I am gonna continue to believe nothing will change. Grade: C

Welcome Back

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer, I know I didn’t. Without Fantasy Hockey, it was just plain boring. Lets start the season by doing a pre-draft power rankings, based solely on keepers and draft picks. Looking forward to another year of this, as I know all the GMs are. In fact, I believe Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland summed it up nicely back in 2009:

“The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Jonah, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.”

1) Super Sperm – After a stellar regular season and President’s Trophy, this team was stunned with an early, embarrassing, comical first round playoff exit. The keepers for this team are second to none, led by none other than Pekka Rinne, the best fantasy goalie of this upcoming year. Had to give up Tim Thomas, which apparently GM Ryan Schauble barely figured out at the end of the off season, while everyone else knew it was an inevitability and ignored his trade pleas.

2) Pistol’s Hellcats – Pete Shpak returns with the strongest set of keepers in the league, though he starts off the new season with a much uglier team photo. The keepers are some of the best, but also some of the oldest, and with his first two picks at #27 and #55, this team may struggle with depth. In the short term however, the strength of the keepers should make this a competitor.

3) Jesse Loves Paymon – Great mix of young and juggernauts, with 3 picks in the first two rounds. Look for this team to deepen the roster and could definitely repeat as the Anze Cup Champion in 2012.

4) Texans – A great stable of keepers if they can stay healthy. Walked into a great situation with Vokoun going to the Capitals. Little movement during last season and offseason has left this team with picks in every round. Hopefully GM Chris Thomas has grown one year wiser and can build his team in the draft.

5) Anzoolander – Why say anything when I can let GM Jesse Cook do all the talking (in which he trashes the entire league, the city of Milwaukee, and Andy Kordyban’s sister all in one glorious drunken voicemail in March of 2009)?

6) The Meat Whistles – Not bad, definitely some fire power in his keepers, could have been even better if he considered heavily lopsided trades in his favor, but, it prevents him from seriously competing for the title, so benefits the rest of us.

7) Clarence Swampton – Any team with Stamkos is in good shape, and Luongo will be the second best regular season goalie this year (and worst playoff goalie of all time). One of his keepers may never pan out, but I like the risk taken.

8) Crosby’s Concussions – Would be higher, but a lingering concussion to his best player keeps him middle of the pack. On a positive note, doctors today said that Crosby has one of the best vestibular system in the world. They also said that is why he isn’t returning to hockey just yet. Okay then.

9) Everett Silvertips – Talent is too young for the most part, this won’t be the year for his keepers. With five picks in the first three rounds, GM Court Watson better draft well.

10) Captain Chinese – The keepers on this team are actually pretty good, but somehow Bert-metrics will fuck it up.

11) Bizzarohawks – Something has to go right for this team at some point, doesn’t it? I mean, it can’t all be downhill all the time, can it?

12) Me So Vyborny – I disagree with almost every keeper choice he made. Good luck Matthew.

13) Not Poodle!!! – Not a lot going on with this team, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind the keepers…GM Jesse Cook had it pretty much summed up in his voicemail from two years ago above…and nothing has changed.

14) Kanucks – In case you have blocked Dave’s Facebook status updates as spam already (which I assume all of you have, as well as Pistol’s, unless you are in the market for a new house), Dave is the proud father of a baby girl, Grace. Congratulations (and you forgot to announce her two week birthday on Facebook, you jerk). What does this mean to the already helicopter parent? An even shittier team this year.

League Dues

Once again, league fees are $20 USD, with additional amounts for transactions from last year. Just like last year, transactions are $0.25 each, with $5 for a name change after Week 1. Amounts owed can be found on the league finance page.

To pay, you can either use credit card on PayPal (courtwatson at hotmail dot com), Interac email payment, or USD cash or cheque. Please contact me prior to making payment, especially Interac email in CAD so as to get the correct FX rates.

Just like last year, late payments will be penalized with roster freezes. Dues and prior year outstanding balances not received by October 1 will result in the inability to add or drop players from free agency. If amounts continue to be outstanding as of October 15, teams will lose the ability to adjust their starting lineups.

The draft is scheduled for Monday, September 26, 7:00 PM PST. Make sure you load it up early to make sure you get in before it starts. Good luck gentlemen. In the words of Clay Morrow of Sons of Anarchy, let’s make it ghetto, make it gangsta.

JM

Go Puck Yourself Goes Mainstream

Kudos to Court Watson for getting this league in the national media’s spotlight, right where it deserves to be.

See it here.

Awesome.

A New Champion

Congrats to Steve McIntyre on a great season.  Looking forward to the Raven Pub in North Vancouver to see Mr. McIntyre raise the Anze Cup and get so piss drunk he ends up crying in the bushes.  Potentially, the current Cup may be retired as a new Cup has to be created with all the current GMs on the side.

As is part of the tradition, I leave you with a message from our 2010-11 Anze Cup Champion.

I'd like to congratulate all the teams in GPY and in particular Pistol's Hellcats for a hard fought season. I look forward to looking into all of your eyes with an Andy Kordyban style shit eating grin on my face before I crush a rye and coke from the Anze Cup.

Pete - you were 1/4" away from winning this year. If only you were 6' tall.

Court - what rhymes with pine tree? 9-3! The score I crushed you by. Good luck with the Jack Adams award this year. You're the runaway favorite.

Bert - you may want to revamp Bert-metrics, or you could get a job with the New York Islanders and apply it there.

Jesse - your season foreshadows the Blackhawks and the 2011 NHL playoffs. Early first round exit to a superior team. I look forward to drinking 8 lucky lager this spring. You love Paymon.

Scott - your fantasy hockey management efforts are much like your penis... Short and to the left.

Dave K - you surpassed my expectations this year. Great job. I look forward to watching your team be competitive in the 2014-2015 season.

Fatty - it sure felt good sending you to the golf course this year. Make sure you don't break Dave K's driver again.

Cole - please change your team name to the Washington Generals.

Dave D - is your house made of steel? Pittsburgh sucks, Malkin sucks, and Roethlisberger chases high school girls.

Chris T - its hard to criticize a dude from Texas that is just learning about our great game. However, you went to the finals last year and managed to finish 3 Pts from last this year. Maybe you're better off going back to Texas to continue hunting empty beer cans.

Matt M - Congratulations on an unsuccessful year. Even Court beat you. Perhaps you should consider discontinuing your subscription to Bertmetrics.

Mike - see Matt M.

Ryan - you lost to Court.  Lol.  It sure feels good beating you in all three hockey pools we compete in together.  Next year save yourself the time and just write me a cheque.

Your Champ,

JLP

As always, the champion of this league shows true sportsmanship in the final message.

Now for some league awards.  What do you win for each award?  Nothing, just pride.  Good enough for many, just not Schauble.

Jack Adams Award – It was unanimous; Pistol Hellcat’s GM Pete Shpak takes the hardware home for acquiring both Sedin twins.  He will also have a couple of the oldest keepers in the league going forward, but that will be an issue in the years to come, not now.

Eugene Adams Award – With 75% of the vote, GM Bert Fong takes home this coveted prize.  One wonders if it would have been back to back had this award existed last year, but one is also convinced there is a good change it will be back to back wins for the Russian Bert Fong after the next fantasy year.

Andy Kordyban Award – Taking home 50% of the vote and doubling up on the next closest candidate is none other than Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook.  Like the Duke, Jesse now has funny hair.  Like the Duke, Jesse now owns a cat.  And, like the Duke, Jesse now is officially recognized for being thoroughly and inadvertently entertaining.

That’s all for this year gentlemen.  Thank you for a great season.  Periodic updates on league and draft status will be provided throughout the summer.  Have a good one, lets all get shitty drunk.

JM

Another New GM in the Halls of Greatness

Two juggernauts enter the Anze Cup finals this week, Jesse Loves Paymon squeaking by in a closer than it looked matchup, and Pistol’s Hellcats continuing to dominate.  Once again, a league virgin is in the playoffs, congratulations to GM Pete Shpak.  Just like in real life,  it took GM Steve McIntyre a ridiculously long time to lose his virginity; this time, it is fantasy hockey playoff virginity, as he takes his first playoff appearance ever into the finals.  The Anze Cup is being cleaned as we speak so that the winner will get to notice how much better beer tastes out of the Anze Cup versus a regular glass (hint: a lot).   This matchup is pretty evenly matched and will come down to one thing:  Pistol’s Hellcats has 60% of their offense from two teams.  If those teams go into a slump, the Anze Cup will be raised by Jesse Loves Paymon.  If they go gangbusters this week, GM Pete Shpak will be holding the Anze Cup high above his head (and at our eye level).  I love the final week of March.  The Anze Cup will be crowned, March Madness will come to an end, the Masters is one week away, and the Bigger Dance is about to start.  Prediciton:  Canucks and Red Wings have a slow week, and Jesse Loves Paymon raises the Anze Cup out of Pete Shpak's reach.  Best of luck, gentlemen.

For the most part, the 2011-12 draft has been figured out, and you can see it on the league transactions and trades workbook (see sidebar).  Changes to draft order as a result of trades have been referenced as applicable.  GMs are responsible for ensuring changes in draft order are correct.

As the year winds down, it is time to vote on a couple of awards.  Lets take a look at the awards and the nominees.

Jack Adams Award

This award is given to the GM adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success.  This year we have two nominees, Anze Cup finalist Pistol Hellcat's and the playoff dark horse and semifinalist Everett Silvertips.  Pete Shpak of Pistol's Hellcats deftly assembled a powerhouse through trades and waiver acquisitions.  The question is, did he overpay for a championship year and sacrifice his long term future?  With only two picks in the first four rounds next year, this team might be a little to reliant on too few players for years to come.  Meanwhile, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips made many moves that led to constant mockery and some pitiful statistics, but he stuck to his vision and ended up with a team that was top 3 in scoring in the last eight weeks of the league.   Juggling of plugs in net became an issue (but, ironically, did not lead to this team's downfall), but, with Hall and Tavares and half of this team's draft picks next year in the first four rounds, has Watson put this team in position to be a long term powerhouse?

[polldaddy poll=4805089]

Eugene Adams Award

This award is given to the GM who had the least to do with his team's success, or made the biggest impact in preventing them from being successful.  Named after Jack's retarded step brother who couldn't say no to a cool glass of antifreeze.  The first nominee, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon,  thought his team sucked at the draft, and wanted a redo.  He then made 8 moves.  So he had a shitty team (so he thought) and then did nothing about it, and is in the finals.  The other is Siberian Bert Fong of Captain Chinese, who sat on two overperforming goalies with decent (and by decent, I mean shitty) offense, and instead of selling high on either, did nothing and had a quick exit in the first round (Bert was last seen building a railroad in northern Canada).

[polldaddy poll=4805130]

Andy Kordyban Award (a.k.a "The Duke of Fantasy Hockey trophy")

This prestigious award can be given out for several reasons, because like its namesake, this trophy covers so many areas.  Should it go to Scott Freeland for incredible bad luck?  Should it go to Cole Ballard for his Eeyore like mentality?  Should it go to Ryan Schauble for studying the numbers like the Duke studies Hasting Park handicap and walking away still lacking any clue whatsoever?  Dave Kitchen for his complete lack of comedic timing or funny bone?  Or, should it go to Jesse Cook for his well timed humour at the expense of others (even though, like the Duke, we are laughing at Jesse, not with him)?  Let the voice of the people be heard.

[polldaddy poll=4805181]

Happy voting people.

The Road to the Anze Cup

What a Sunday that was.  Even the match that wasn’t even close ended 7-6.  First time I have ever seen a match end in a tie as well, with season head-to-head record being the tiebreaker.  Three of the matches came down to the last 2 minutes of the last game on Sunday, Calgary versus Anaheim.  In one match, a game winning goal by Glencross or Bourque would have given Anzoolander a win, but instead Pistol Hellcats took it on a tie.  In another, Teemu Selanne’s late third period assist pushed Jesse Loves Paymon into the lead, when a tie would have eliminated this team from the playoffs.  In yet another, if the final goal had been Visnovsky to Perry, Super Sperm might not be competing in the consolation bracket, also known as the Spanky Cup.

Lets look at this week’s semifinal matchups.  I was 2-2 in last week’s predictions, though I could just have easily been 4-0.

Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Malkin in the Middle – Can Jack Adams nominee Pete Shpak lead his team to the Anze Cup finals?  Based on how this team started the year, it would be pretty miraculous.  Both MITM and PH put up similar numbers this past week, so look for this to be a dead heat all the way to end.  Both have the same number of games offensively, though PH has one more from a d-man, and MITM has one more from a forward.  That could be the difference maker.  Prediction:  MITM goes to the finals and Sidney Crosby is in the starting lineup when he gets there….7-6-3

Jesse Loves Paymon vs. Everett Silvertips – Can  The magical ride continues for the come-out-of-nowhere Silvertips?  JLP won their season bout handily, but the Silvertips only have five players from that matchup on their active roster.  This is a matchup of the best team statistically during the year and the hottest team.  It is only a matter of time before performance returns to the statistical mean, so I gotta go with the powerhouse.  Prediction:  Everett Silvertip’s band of plugs in net spontaneously combust and JLP waltzes into the Anze Cup finals…10-4-2

For teams competing in the Spanky Cup, keep in mind that tournament has no bearing on your finish in league standings as far as the draft lottery is concerned.  You finish is calculated by the round you were eliminated and your playoff seeding; the higher the seed, the higher in the standings (i.e., Super Sperm was a one seed, and gagged like Jesse on Paymon’s pork sword, was knocked out in the first round with four teams remaining, so that team finished fifth).  The lottery for playoff teams who did not make the Anze Cup will be done after this week.  Contrary to what Bert thinks, because he is an idiot, teams not in the Anze Cup playoffs are locked out of free agency to make the most players available to teams still in the Anze Cup, and to stop shenanigans.

Good luck to all still in this beauty.

The Draft

As noted in the charter, the six teams that fail to make the playoffs are all fighting for the first six picks in the next year’s draft.  The probabilities for each team getting the number 1 pick are as follows:

Finish	Probability
9	5%
10	9%
11	14%
12	19%
13	24%
14	29%

Using those probabilities and the wonderful world of Excel, the first six draft picks in each round will be as follows:

Pick	General Manager
1	Scott Freeland
2	David Kitchen
3	Mike Gaunt
4	Chris Thomas
5	Cole Ballard
6	Matt Meier

After adjusting for trades made during the year, we have the following order for the first six of the first round:

Pick	General Manager
1	Scott Freeland
2	David Kitchen
3	David Kitchen (from Mike Gaunt)
4	Chris Thomas
5	Cole Ballard
6	Matt Meier

Be interesting to see what David does with those two picks.

Playoffs? You Want To Talk About Playoffs? Playoffs?!?

The regular season is over and Stupid Sperm has won the President’s Cup.  It is late, I have a shitty internet connection and had too many margaritas and too much BBQ down in Austin, TX tonight, so lets get right to the matchups.

1)  Super Sperm vs. 8)  Everett Silvertips

It is a miracle the Everett Silvertips are even in the playoffs, going from 14th to 8th in 5 short weeks.these teams split their last matchup despite the Silvertips having two starting players out with injuries.  With Super Sperm on fire and Everett Silvertips waning after the loss of Taylor Hall and Drew Stafford, I expect a bloodbath.   Prediction:  Super Sperm stays super and wins 10-5-1

2)  Malkin in the Middle vs.  7)  Captain Chinese

The rankings are flipped as a result of Malkin winning the Clarence Campbell conference; Captain Chinese actually has the better record.  Don’t let the record fool you, as Malkin may be peaking at the right time.  Malkin put up some very solid numbers this past week.  That is the beauty of fantasy hockey though, as one week’s golden boy is another week’s dog.  This matchup is gonna be a dog fight and should be the most interesting of the week.  Prediction:  Captain Chinese gives his goaltenders a few pointers, and they lose, 7-5-4

3)  Pistol Hellcats vs. 5)  Anzoolander

This matchup will be decided on how the Vancouver Canucks play this week.  If it is well, Pistol wins, if it isn’t, Anzoolander wins. Prediction:  Anzoolander walks away with a win, further enhancing Pete’s unfiltered, obsessive, idolization of Jesse, 10-5-1

4)  Not Poodle!!! vs.  Jesse Loves Paymon

I can’t figure out whey JLP is a five seed. I also can’t figure out why Milan Lucic and Zdeno Chara are not suspended, instead they are just piling on PIMs and points for not poodle.  I really think this matchup has no business being close, but what the fuck do I know?  Prediction:  Jesse Loves Paymon continues to be a statistical wonderchild, but somehow falls, 7-6-3

Reminder that all those no longer in the Anze Cup playoffs have their rosters locked, they can still tweak their starting lineups, but cannot utilize free agency or waivers.  Teams will be allowed to trade subsequent to the completion of the Anze Cup playoffs based on the rosters at the end of the year.  Two weeks prior to the draft will be the offseason trade deadline, and general managers must declare their four keepers.

Good luck Roy.

Power Rankings: Week 18

Lot of trade activity happening as teams make a last big push for a playoff spot (where we saw last year that anything, literally anything, can happen).  Will be interesting to see if any more moves are made before the trade deadline on March 10.  Let’s take a look at the fictional, highly inaccurate and extremely bias power rankings this week.

1.  Super Sperm (4) – Can Pekka Rinne carry this team on his own?  It worked this week, but who knows how long that can last, or how long Jonas Hiller is out.  The offense looks solid, despite the moronic Forsberg waiver wire pick up.  Who knows how much GM Ryan Schauble would have complained if he hadn’t picked him up, since he a keeper, obv.  Classic.

2.  Not Poodle (7) – Stellar goaltending carried this team this week.  GM Matt Welsh completed a whopper of a trade but has yet to see a payoff on offense.  The goalies can’t be this hot every week and the offense will need to show up come playoffs.  Luckily, this team’s last three matchups are with team’s in the bottom half of the standings.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon (2) – Back to back ties, this team is just sputtering along and not doing anything to move up in the playoff seedings.  This week could be a potential Anze Cup finals preview and will set the expectation level for this team in the playoffs.  The loss of Matt Duchene the day after trading for him was a massive blow…and hilarious.

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Had enough to secure a tie this week, but the numbers weren’t all that spectacular.  Never big on a team starting three defensemen.

5.  Captain Chinese (8) – Week 17 showed this team is slowly deteriorating, but luckily, the offense came roaring back this week to mask the sub par goaltending.  Japanese GM Bert Fong has given the Japan Custom’s inspection approach to his goaltending issues.  Like customs will ignore fresh produce from other countries until it has gone bad, Bert has ignored his goaltenders until they suck.

6. Anzoolander (6) – Sheer dumb, blind luck that this team dealt Matt Duchene for Jonathan Toews right before Duchene had a season ending injury.  But with captain serious comes a serious run in the playoffs.

7.  Sultan HC (11) – Big trade to give it one last try to make the playoffs, and it might have paid off.  Huge win this week for this team as it sits just outside the playoffs.  Last three weeks look pretty favorable for this team, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them as the dark horse in the playoffs (reverse jinx!  reverse jinx!).

8.  Malkin in the Middle (3) – GM Dave Dugan has been trying to make this team a playoff contender.  Solid moves in picking up Thomas Vanek and a rejuvenated Stevie Mason, but ultimately this team needs Sidney Crosby back fast.

9.  Me So Vyborny (5) – The return of Marty Brodeur is desperately needed as this team tries to hold onto a playoff spot.  The inability of GM Matt Meier to deal Brodeur or Thomas for anything has left this team with aging goalies and suspect offense.  The team will most likely increase their chances of making a playoff spot if they play a full roster going forward, however the last three matchups are gonna be tough ones.

10.  Everett Silvertips (25) – Has slowly moved up and the final playoff spot is now in site.  The addition of a hot Alex Tanquay (12 points in last 10) will bolster what is arguably the hottest offense in the league.  Two weeks of strong goaltending have given this team a chance, but I don’t see those goalies getting enough time going forward to give this team a real shot at the playoffs.

11.  Kanucks (13) – This team is feast or famine on offense, and the crushing loss this week all but assured this team will be on the outside looking in come playoff time.  The trades made in the past two weeks by GM Dave Kitchen show that he is planning for the future; wondered if he has started to look at RESPs yet.

12.  This Space 4 Rent $5 (12) – Uh, this team is in serious trouble, and I don’t know what will fix it.

13.  Bizzarohawks (9) – I just feel bad for this team and GM Scott Freeland; has to be the most unlucky GM with nothing ever paying off.  No wonder Lebron left.  I envision somewhere in the cold, dark abyss known as Clevenland, somewhere Freeland looks something like this:

14.  Texans (10) – Decimated by injuries and suffering the worst loss of the season to one of the worst teams in the league, this team finds itself at the bottom of this list.  One can only hope that Optimus Reim can turn this team’s fortunes for the better.  I personally believe he can.

Quote of the week comes from last week, and is from Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre regarding the trade between Not Poodle!!! and Kanucks and the possibility of one friend helping out another in that deal:

“…three years ago Poodle broke Kanucks Taylor Made driver on the 18th hole at Northlands G&CC.  I saw it happen before my eyes filled up with tears from laughing so hard.  Poodle didn't reimburse Kanucks and Kanucks has been pissed ever since.  Perhaps Malkin is Russian for "I'm sorry for breaking your driver.”

Power Rankings: Week 16

I am drunk.  Great game today.  I have no idea what teams were previously ranked, but I know what I think right now.

1)  Pistol’s Hellcats – Great goaltending, great offense.   I still think this team will be similar to our President’s trophy winner of yesteryear and lose when the Canucks have a slow week, but right now, this is clearly the team to beat.

2)  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to give GM Steve McIntyre credit, but he hated this team after the draft, and has a total of 6 moves.  So really, the GM has nothing to do with this team’s success.

3)  Malkin in the Middle – Despite missing their best player who was raped in a few hits that resulted in a concussion, this team still put up the third most points of this week and raped their opponent offensively.  Crosby sounds like he will be back shortly and be able to rape his opponents again.  Question is, will GM Dave Dugan leverage his future to get that last missing piece he needs in net to rape opponents defensively?  A-Ben.  Rape.

4)  Super Sperm – Me wanted Nabokov..

5)  Me So Vyborny – Standings be damned, this team can compete.  For fucks sake, leverage one of your goalies for either future picks or better offense; no way you can keep them all.

6)  Anzoolander -  Beat titan this past week, another one this week…two wins in a row will make this team hard to ignore.  Sergei Kostitsyn is in, he’s out, he’s in!  He also has tits in his name, which is GM Jesse Cook’s lucky charm.

7)  Not Poodle – This team, to be honest, got lucky that their opponent had a slow week offensively.  I am not big on this team, and I don’t see GM Matt Welsh making any moves for a playoff run. 

8)  Captain Chinese – I said that Tibetian GM Bert Fong wouldn’t sell high and buy low on players outperforming on this team, and now he loses to a cellar dweller.  Way to suck at fantasy hockey.  This team is the Yang in fantasy hockey management to GM Pete Shpak’s Ying.  All energy in circular, and for every action there is an simultaneous, opposite and equal reaction.  GM Bert Fong should have know this, but, he sucks.

9)  Bizzarohawks – Looks like they are making some moves for the future, so lets hope something pays off.  GM Scott Freeland tries, but really can’t get a break.  Almost like he lives in Cleveland or something.  Oh, wait….

10)  Texans – I can’t remember who is on this team, nor do I even know who they played this week…that isn’t a good sign…

11)  Sultan HC – Even with the caps playing well, this team still isn’t very productive offensively.  That isn’t a good thing.  I think this team will miss the playoffs, and only has one real keeper.

12)  This Space 4 rent $5 – This team has one keeper.  And that isn’t good.

13)  Kanucks – Some nice offense this week.  Has one legitimate keeper, but pretends to have four.  At least the strong showings will help ensure a middle of the pack draft pick.  GM Dave Kitchen – congratulations.  I expect to see 7 posts and 797 comments regarding this congrats on Facebook shortly (if we really wanted to fuck with him, we could show how he only thinks he has control over social media, but he really doesn’t.  I started, but didn’t have the heart to do it).  Side note:  GM Dave Kitchen will be so preoccupied he will be even worse than he is now, if possible.

25)  Everett Silvertips -  Despite outscoring half the teams in this league, this team once again just got killed.  Why do they even show up?  Who knows.  This team is like Andy Kordyban at a nightclub that doesn’t allow minors in…no chance and out of its element.

Quote of the week comes from GM Matt Meier of Me So Vyborny:

“I was thinking I would keep Sharp before I would keep Hossa, I am not sure yet.”

I’ll give you Neidermeyer for Hossa.

How Champions Are Not Made

Nice moves…what a bad, bad team.

Power Rankings: Week 14

You know that saying a picture is worth a thousand words?  Well, this week the power rankings will be presented in the form of pictures.  These pictures represent the average ranking by total numbers for each category, and show through statistics which teams are doing well and which teams are hysterically bad.  Keep in mind that statistics can be manipulated to say anything, and 50% of all statistics are made up.  I tried really hard, but couldn’t get any of the tables below to spell out “Jesse is gay” with the various data lines.

The first chart shows which teams dominate on offense:

If you can’t see it, that top line is Jesse loves Paymon.  It is a little scary.  Even scarier is the offensive header into cement Sultan HC has taken.

The following chart is how teams’ goaltenders are faring:

As you can see (or maybe you can't), Captain Chinese is on the verge of a nosedive, failing to move any players when hot for talent and/or picks, and as a result, has diminished its chances of taking the Anze Cup.  This is expected when a team is managed by a Siamese.  Also of note is the sharp uptick on Me So Vyborny, a team that is finally healthy.  Lastly, the Everett Silvertips should just start nobody in net, as it wouldn’t have affected the outcome of any of the team’s last four matchups one bit.

Finally, lets take a look at the overall statistics:

Some observations;

This league is becoming a two horse race.  Super Sperm and Jesse loves Paymon are a cut above the rest, while the Kanucks and Everett Silvertips are clearly poo.

Me So Vyborny will be the dark horse come playoff time.  When healthy, they can spar with anyone.

Pistol Hellcat’s will live and die by the Canucks.  One cold week during our playoffs, and this team loses.

And with that, I bid you all a good night.  Except you Fatty.  Go fuck yourself.

Power Rankings: Week 13

It has been a while as I circumnavigated the globe in a lawn chair tied to hundreds of helium balloons.  I am back now, so here we go.

1.  Super Sperm (Previous: 3) – No. 2 offense + No. 2 defense = No. 1 team.  Keeper Phil Kessel and crew are firing on all cylinders.

2.  Jesse Loves Paymon (1) – Statistically, this team has one of the most prolific offenses in fantasy hockey history.  Defensively, this team can be streaky and that may be the downfall of the team.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (4) – Has rattled off six straight wins against mostly the bottom of this league while putting up some monster numbers.  It will be interesting to see how this team does when the schedule rotates back into the top tier of the league and if the Canucks go into a slump.  The team may suffer a bit from GM Pete Shpak starting up a blog about what to do in Vancouver, B.C.  From what I can tell so far, all there is to do is eat, drink, or listen to someone singing while you eat and drink.  If this blog doesn’t include Brandy’s at some point I can only assume GM Pete Shpak is gay.

4.  Malkin in the Middle (6) – I can’t figure out which team is gonna show up from week to week, but this team has shown it has what it takes to compete.  It also has shown it is awful.  I am just confused.

5.  Captain Chinese (2) – What does a team do with two goalies who are playing out of their minds and a mid-tier offense?  If the GM is Cambodian Bert Fong…nothing.  Now Halak and Price have cooled down, and this team is worse than it was.  I don’t see this team going far in the playoffs, and I don’t see Bert Fong winning GM of the year.

6.  Me So Vyborny (10) – Identity crisis in net right now with Martin Brodeur looking like Mike Brodeur.  Young buck Corey Crawford has carried the reigns and with Steve Downie and Marian Hossa back from injury this team could do some damage.

7.  Not Poodle (8) – The shit kicking this week exposed the weaknesses in this team.  I am not a big fan of this team, but I can’t place my finger on why.  Having only one starting goalie who is on an awful team might be why.

8.  Sultan HC (9) – Improvement in goaltending is being offset by a severe decrease in offense.  This team barely beats teams below it and loses to teams above it.  With Michael Neuvirth back, will this team move any of its goalies to generate some offense?  Or will GM Cole Ballard pull a George McPhee and think that the Capitals is enough to win it all?

9.  This Space 4 Rent $5 (7) – Has lost to some of the worst teams in the league the last few weeks.  GM Mike Gaunt is taking the Obama perspective on his team, blaming the problems on someone else, namely, Yahoo!.  It is a sound and logical argument.  You wouldn’t understand, only academics get it.

10.  Texans (11) - Stamped losing six straight weeks with an ass kicking this past week to make it seven.  Shit is falling apart, fast.  Chris Stewart and Zach Parise can’t get back fast enough.

11.  Kanucks (12) – Still awful, but better than the teams below it.  At least the D-men are producing, but that is about it.

12.  Bizzarohawks (13) – The trade for Spezza to stir things up didn’t really work out, and this team’s misfortunes over the year can really only be attributed to one thing…it is in Cleveland.

13.  Anzoolander (5) – Got absolutely pummeled by the worst team in the league (I could try and soften the loss by saying “arguably worst” but who’s kidding who?).  When you get ass pummeled so bad your anal bleeding is coming out of your ears, you earn a spot at the bottom.

22.  Everett Silvertips (18) – The only question for this team is which will be worse by the end of the year, its power ranking or its +/-, currently –66?  Try to say that Devan Dubnyk is a starting goalie on this team without chuckling, I dare you.

No trades or comments worth sharing.. you are boring.