Power Rankings: Week 8

First, apologies to all for the lack of posts; hopefully things should pick up after the exam next weekend, CFA Level 1.  Not, not Crossfit Foundation Asshole Level 1, but Chartered Financial Analyst Level 1; the same exam I will probably take in June.

Luckily, we have a guest contributor who is helping out and I must say it is one of the finest posts this blog has offered.  I am pretty sure you will be able to figure it out who posted it, and all content, other than spelling and minor grammar, has not been modified.

“It is embarrassing how boring some of you are. This is a $20 pool based on bragging rights and trash talking...multiple cuts will occur to those of you who continue to hide behind your vagina's. I have faith in all of you...the same faith that Steve has in Paymon's cock being in Steve's anus every single week.

1) Me So Vyborny (Previous week: 1) – With Thomas and Crawford playing lights out, and a very well spread out offense, this is the type of team Ruxin would love to rub one out on:

(Editor’s note: if you haven’t seen “The League” on FX, do yourself a favor and watch season 1 and 2 in one sitting.  If you have, two words: vinegar strokes.)

2) Anzoolander (3) – This teams offense just continues to shit kick his opponents due to the Fantasy greatness that GM Jesse Cook possesses. The goalie situation could be worse if not for picking up the single greatest NHL goalie to ever strap on the pads---Brian "The Wall" Elliot. The Wall's so good he makes you wanna sing and dance!

3) Bizzarohawks (5) – Never once has Freeland been even close to the top of any Fantasy Rankings. Something smells odd...so when I received this text from his baby boy Sam it all makes sense. "Dear Uncle Jesse, as you can probably tell I am now the GM of Bizzarohawks, as after I saw Dad bend himself over with the first pick in the draft I had to take action. While he is great at running long distances, he is a fucking disgrace to NHL Fantasy hockey----fuck me if I ever have to be part of a basement dweller as long as I shall live. I look forward to meeting you soon, and want to dominate the Commodore in the future. 70's suits, Parachutes and Slewts. Your protégé, Sam.”

4) Kanucks (2) – This team could win with almost any GM. When GM Anzoolander commented last Saturday "wow---great match" the reply was "I haven't been able to check---I'm sick." This is why God (a man) invented apps for your iPhone (we know you have one) so you can check Fantasy Hockey and porn on a hand held device. I guess I'd be sick if I had to teach this though....

 

(Editor’s note:  Dave also has an Maxipad is his ass iPad.)

5) Everett Silvertips (8) – Thank you, Court for finally picking a fucking team and sticking with them---albiet the shittiest team in the league with no hope of making the playoffs. The league should know that the GM Anzoolander, Jesse Cook, will be $50 richer at the end of the season when the Isles fail to make the playoffs. This will most likely be by February....thank you in advance. By the way, did you cheat on your wife? This kid IS yours...

(Editor’s note:  Reached out to GM Court Watson for comment; “I have no words, I can only hope my son is half the man this kid is.”)

6) Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – Pretty solid overall team, but like most GM's is leaning on one stud goalie and relying on miracles by his 2nd/3rd terrible netminders to hold the fort. Curtis Sanford put up Vezina worthy numbers this week, but with the team in front of him how can this last? It's time for some trades to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Daniel Sedin for Taylor Hall-----I like it!  What...Hall is out with a shoulder injury? Oh, in that case sucked in Court!

(Editor’s note: best looking jersey around.)

7) Captain Chinese (14) – With by far the biggest leap of the week, GM Bert Fong has relied on pure ruck to get this team back in contention. Everyone else below you should most likely quit right now----seriously. For the out-of-towners in our league who may not know what Bert looks like, you bunch of fuck-ups are losing to this fucking guy:

(Editor’s note: ‘nodding head in agreement’)

8) Super Sperm (12) – This team is a bubble franchise at best (thanks to no Kessel keeper obv), and Brandon Dubinsky (Anzoolander's sloppy seconds) is not the answer (what the hell is wrong with this guy this season?). With Ryan Miller's return unknown, Enroth will help SS in the interim, but once Miller comes back SS will be back to 1 starter, 1 back-up and 1 AHL back-up. PS - is this guy gonna stop doing ads every 5 seconds and score a fucking goal?

9) Jesse Loves Paymon (4) – This entire team has Vertigo----Hiller----lol lol lol. When you are relying on your two Util players to make up for the lack of production of one of the best offensive teams on paper (in 2008), you are putting your team in the hands of pure evil.

10) Texans (10) – This ranking has nothing to do with hockey. First you marry my sister (rendering burns on you useless), then you go ahead and buy my dream truck. You've been shunned (nice truck though).

11) Crosby’s Concussions (13) – All you have is Crosby, and with him you have an actual chance to squeak thru to the payoffs----fuck me is he amazing (8 points in 4 games)!  He is the reason why Canada will always be better than the U.S. (remember this?):

(Editor’s note: well played sir.)

12) Not Poodle (7) – Better week by this sad sack of losers. I'd rather watch this movie one thousand times more than hang out with Fatty.

13) Flowers In The Cage (11) – In the battle of the bottom feeders you won, so you are not the worst, just 2nd worst. It is interesting how the curse of Anze has plummeted your team into the depths of despair. It is like you have a concussion that will never go away---fogging your thoughts like your brother, Peter Mueller. Please get better----we miss you.

14) Clarence Swamptown (9) – When you state " Anze may have the moves, but Clarence is Tappin that Kathryn Tappen," you must realize that she is a 5.5 at best (see below), a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey, and Anze takes down only the finest models the world has to offer. You "Tappin" this disgrace basically sums up your year this far...you'll drink 34 shots of Jack Daniels then manage an NHL Fantasy team/take home whatever is left in the bar. Luongo/Nabokov coming back won't help you, having shit players won't help you, not making trades won't help you....you're in trouble....you're in the Swamp.

(Editor’s note:  Well done, and I strongly encourage all of you to submit content anytime; you will find it to be almost therapeutic and actually kind of fun.)