Playoffs? You Want To Talk About Playoffs? Playoffs?!?

The regular season is over and Stupid Sperm has won the President’s Cup.  It is late, I have a shitty internet connection and had too many margaritas and too much BBQ down in Austin, TX tonight, so lets get right to the matchups.

1)  Super Sperm vs. 8)  Everett Silvertips

It is a miracle the Everett Silvertips are even in the playoffs, going from 14th to 8th in 5 short weeks.these teams split their last matchup despite the Silvertips having two starting players out with injuries.  With Super Sperm on fire and Everett Silvertips waning after the loss of Taylor Hall and Drew Stafford, I expect a bloodbath.   Prediction:  Super Sperm stays super and wins 10-5-1

2)  Malkin in the Middle vs.  7)  Captain Chinese

The rankings are flipped as a result of Malkin winning the Clarence Campbell conference; Captain Chinese actually has the better record.  Don’t let the record fool you, as Malkin may be peaking at the right time.  Malkin put up some very solid numbers this past week.  That is the beauty of fantasy hockey though, as one week’s golden boy is another week’s dog.  This matchup is gonna be a dog fight and should be the most interesting of the week.  Prediction:  Captain Chinese gives his goaltenders a few pointers, and they lose, 7-5-4

3)  Pistol Hellcats vs. 5)  Anzoolander

This matchup will be decided on how the Vancouver Canucks play this week.  If it is well, Pistol wins, if it isn’t, Anzoolander wins. Prediction:  Anzoolander walks away with a win, further enhancing Pete’s unfiltered, obsessive, idolization of Jesse, 10-5-1

4)  Not Poodle!!! vs.  Jesse Loves Paymon

I can’t figure out whey JLP is a five seed. I also can’t figure out why Milan Lucic and Zdeno Chara are not suspended, instead they are just piling on PIMs and points for not poodle.  I really think this matchup has no business being close, but what the fuck do I know?  Prediction:  Jesse Loves Paymon continues to be a statistical wonderchild, but somehow falls, 7-6-3

Reminder that all those no longer in the Anze Cup playoffs have their rosters locked, they can still tweak their starting lineups, but cannot utilize free agency or waivers.  Teams will be allowed to trade subsequent to the completion of the Anze Cup playoffs based on the rosters at the end of the year.  Two weeks prior to the draft will be the offseason trade deadline, and general managers must declare their four keepers.

Good luck Roy.