Welcome Back

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer, I know I didn’t. Without Fantasy Hockey, it was just plain boring. Lets start the season by doing a pre-draft power rankings, based solely on keepers and draft picks. Looking forward to another year of this, as I know all the GMs are. In fact, I believe Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland summed it up nicely back in 2009:

“The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Jonah, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.”

1) Super Sperm – After a stellar regular season and President’s Trophy, this team was stunned with an early, embarrassing, comical first round playoff exit. The keepers for this team are second to none, led by none other than Pekka Rinne, the best fantasy goalie of this upcoming year. Had to give up Tim Thomas, which apparently GM Ryan Schauble barely figured out at the end of the off season, while everyone else knew it was an inevitability and ignored his trade pleas.

2) Pistol’s Hellcats – Pete Shpak returns with the strongest set of keepers in the league, though he starts off the new season with a much uglier team photo. The keepers are some of the best, but also some of the oldest, and with his first two picks at #27 and #55, this team may struggle with depth. In the short term however, the strength of the keepers should make this a competitor.

3) Jesse Loves Paymon – Great mix of young and juggernauts, with 3 picks in the first two rounds. Look for this team to deepen the roster and could definitely repeat as the Anze Cup Champion in 2012.

4) Texans – A great stable of keepers if they can stay healthy. Walked into a great situation with Vokoun going to the Capitals. Little movement during last season and offseason has left this team with picks in every round. Hopefully GM Chris Thomas has grown one year wiser and can build his team in the draft.

5) Anzoolander – Why say anything when I can let GM Jesse Cook do all the talking (in which he trashes the entire league, the city of Milwaukee, and Andy Kordyban’s sister all in one glorious drunken voicemail in March of 2009)?

6) The Meat Whistles – Not bad, definitely some fire power in his keepers, could have been even better if he considered heavily lopsided trades in his favor, but, it prevents him from seriously competing for the title, so benefits the rest of us.

7) Clarence Swampton – Any team with Stamkos is in good shape, and Luongo will be the second best regular season goalie this year (and worst playoff goalie of all time). One of his keepers may never pan out, but I like the risk taken.

8) Crosby’s Concussions – Would be higher, but a lingering concussion to his best player keeps him middle of the pack. On a positive note, doctors today said that Crosby has one of the best vestibular system in the world. They also said that is why he isn’t returning to hockey just yet. Okay then.

9) Everett Silvertips – Talent is too young for the most part, this won’t be the year for his keepers. With five picks in the first three rounds, GM Court Watson better draft well.

10) Captain Chinese – The keepers on this team are actually pretty good, but somehow Bert-metrics will fuck it up.

11) Bizzarohawks – Something has to go right for this team at some point, doesn’t it? I mean, it can’t all be downhill all the time, can it?

12) Me So Vyborny – I disagree with almost every keeper choice he made. Good luck Matthew.

13) Not Poodle!!! – Not a lot going on with this team, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind the keepers…GM Jesse Cook had it pretty much summed up in his voicemail from two years ago above…and nothing has changed.

14) Kanucks – In case you have blocked Dave’s Facebook status updates as spam already (which I assume all of you have, as well as Pistol’s, unless you are in the market for a new house), Dave is the proud father of a baby girl, Grace. Congratulations (and you forgot to announce her two week birthday on Facebook, you jerk). What does this mean to the already helicopter parent? An even shittier team this year.

League Dues

Once again, league fees are $20 USD, with additional amounts for transactions from last year. Just like last year, transactions are $0.25 each, with $5 for a name change after Week 1. Amounts owed can be found on the league finance page.

To pay, you can either use credit card on PayPal (courtwatson at hotmail dot com), Interac email payment, or USD cash or cheque. Please contact me prior to making payment, especially Interac email in CAD so as to get the correct FX rates.

Just like last year, late payments will be penalized with roster freezes. Dues and prior year outstanding balances not received by October 1 will result in the inability to add or drop players from free agency. If amounts continue to be outstanding as of October 15, teams will lose the ability to adjust their starting lineups.

The draft is scheduled for Monday, September 26, 7:00 PM PST. Make sure you load it up early to make sure you get in before it starts. Good luck gentlemen. In the words of Clay Morrow of Sons of Anarchy, let’s make it ghetto, make it gangsta.

JM