Power Rankings: Week 4

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape.  Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think).  Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon.  As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team.  After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league.  #AllinOrBust

2.  Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it.  I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds.  He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price.  The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM.  His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long.  Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble.  #WhereIsTheDepth

3.  Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM.  With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay.  We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'.  If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling.  #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated 

4.  Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league.  He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe.  All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe.  I tend to like this team.  #MovingOnUp

5.  Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one.  Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs.  #HeadedToTheTop

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end.  #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7.  Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits.  "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?"  Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law.  Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist.  #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8.   Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks.  It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year.  The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for.  A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on.  Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs?  This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value.  I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though.  Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9.  Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10.  Everett Silvertips  (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long.  Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league.  And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?".  I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day.  #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11.  Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation.  An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs.  I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round.  Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past.  Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12.  Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen.  For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it.  Its painful to watch.  Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week.  The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved.  #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13.  Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes.  I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...?  I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!!  Why are they so bad.  Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some."  Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt.  I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note:  and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl.  #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here: 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something).  All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com.  All payments in USD.  All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees.  Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends.  Payment is due by Nov. 1.  After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay.  Got it?  Don’t care.  Figure it out.

JM

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM

Annual Awards and Choosing the Draft Date

Welcome back sheepfuckers!



How has your summer been?  From what I hear, everyone has been busy, usually as a result of their stupid mistakes (drinking, marriage, kids, home ownership).  I am really excited to hear all about it.¹

Alright, first things first; awards voting!  Every year, we award three awards to well deserving recipients.  Lets revisit each of the awards and what they represent.

Jack Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s success

Eugene Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s failure

Andy Kordyban award – awarded annually the to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Named after this clown:



The Uniduke

Let's look at the nominees:

Jack Adams award:  Luke Mackinnon, Jesse Cook and Court Watson - The two teams in the Anze Cup Finals last year, and the team that went from out of the playoffs to third place.  Luke took over the team early in the season and turned it into an instant contender, though that may have been the result of being new and therefore being able to fuck the shit out of Bert Fong over and over in a series of trades (He traded away Max Pacioretty and in return received Max Pacioretty and Ryan Getzlaf...what the fuck?!?!?).  So maybe it was a fluke.  Mr. Cook did a fine job last season in his first Anze Cup win, but leveraged his team's future significantly in the process, will be interesting to see what he will do.  Court is just here because I needed three.  He sucks and deserves no votes, (and neither does anyone else in the league).

Eugene Adams award:  Bert Fong, Dave Kitchen and Matt Welsh - Perennially and consistently, the worst three teams in the league.  In standings, in roster management, in trades, in playing hurt players, in life, in everything.  Somehow amazingly, all three made the playoffs in 2011-12.  Since then, now they are known as Tres Descansos Semanales.²

Andy Kordyban award:  Jesse Cook, Luke Mackinnon, and Matt Welsh.  Spends an inordinate amount of time on fantasy hockey, vocal, bit of a loudmouth know-it-all but still funny, ultimately fucks things up.  Gotta admit, got a bit nostalgic when Luke joined this league, almost thought Kordyban was with us.  God bless him.

Get your votes in on the side bar at right.

Now onto the draft.  We need to pick a date.  This is arguably my favorite part of the season.  The complaining, the accusations, the basic dumbfuckery.  Some people don't want weekends, some people don't want weekdays.  Some people want earlier, some people want later.  Some people are on the east coast, some people aren't.  No time is perfect, suck it up.  With that in mind, Here are some dates I am throwing out there:

Thursday, September 17 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Friday, September 18 at 9 PM PST/12:00 AM EST
Wednesday, September 30 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Saturday, October 3 at 1:30 PM PST/4:30 PM EST

PLEASE RESPOND VIA EMAIL WHAT YOUR PREFERENCE IS, IN ORDER.  DO NOT SEND ME ONE DATE.  For example.  Here is an actual email from a moron:

"18th works"

Here is an email from a value added member of society:

"1. 18th, 2. 17th, 3. 30th, 4. 3rd.  Headed to college football game on the 3rd, so I would miss"

Inevitably, someone will miss the draft.  Unless they are a winner, like Jesse, who managed to do the draft WHILE ATTENDING THE BALLET.  If he can do it then, you can do it while doing whatever the fuck you are doing.  I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit about the draft times not being to your liking, so save it.³

I await all your responses.  Also, you may see your roster from the end of last year.  It will be updated over next week or so to reflect trades in the offseason.  Be patient.  Again, I don't get paid enough.⁴

Let's get this season rolling.  Put the women and children to bed, and lets go hunting for dinner.  At Jack In the Box, preferably.  And don't kill a famous lion; makes life awkward.

JM

---

1 I couldn't care less^↩
2 Three Weekly Byes (I think)^↩
3 I get paid nothing. FML.^↩
4 Still nothing. Still FML.^↩

Playoff Eulogy: The Bizarrohawks

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the seventh in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to the Bizarrohawks.

Bizarrohawks – RIP 2015

This team finished first loser.  Not bad.

I am not sure what to make of this team, nor the rookie GM, Luke Mackinnon.  Certainly he showed his time in the other JV leagues he is in has given him some skills, but what skills are those?    It isn’t like he inherited a bad team, with Tarasenko, Giordano, Bishop, Crawford, Zetterberg and Pacioretty all handed to him on a silver platter.  He made some great trades along the way, but were they great trades, or is he the beneficiary of the new guy phenomenon?  He certainly used his newness to take advantage of Bert, trading Pacioretty for Getzlaf and Pacioretty.  One wonders if those kind of trades will be available to him in the future (knowing Bert, the answer is probably yes). 

One just has to look at Luke’s active posting on the message board and emails exchanged with GMs in trade negotiations and they quickly get this image in their heads:

Maybe his best skill is sitting right beside a guy who is also in this league and working the hard sale all season long on someone with maybe a bit less knowledge of fantasy hockey (side note, Luke made zero trades with any team in the playoffs).  Having a boss in this league who allows you to spend as much time running hypothetical trade scenarios as Luke does is a great thing.  Maybe he can keep this up, taking advantage of those teams at the bottom.  Maybe Fatty will set his lineup one day.  Solid maybes.  Except the last one.  Quit Fatty.

Regardless, winning the President’s Trophy and Anze Cup is the same year is an amazing feat.  A feat that Luke failed to accomplish (it has only happened once, ahem, thank you).  But I enjoyed his passion, his random bizarre posts when he was off his ADHD medication, and his lengthier rants when he was on it.  While Scott Freeland may be have been quiet, he still spent a lot of time on this league, so I wouldn’t say having Luke is better, it is just different.  And maybe in a good way, because fantasy leagues all have expiry dates; they run their course over time.  New blood can help keep them going, similar to machines keeping a technically dead person alive in a comatose state.  Jesus, that was a horribly depressing analogy. 

Speaking of horribly depressing, the performance by Bizarrohawks in the finals was about as bad as it gets in a championship.  Like Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl bad.  The only logical conclusion from watching that match is that Luke was horribly out managed by Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook.  It was like a Shaolin Master teaching his pupil by beating him with a stick.  I hope Luke took notes and learned something from that embarrassment.  Blaming injuries of guys on the bench?  Just sad. 

Better luck next year.  Looking forward to seeing you in action again.

Court