In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer. Here, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre pays his respects to Super Sperm.
Super Sperm – RIP 2015
This weeks performance by Super Sperm was outright embarrassing. The #2 seed was a clear favorite despite what that prick Joe MaGrath recently predicted.
Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble built quite an impressive team this season. It was loaded with multiple 30 goal scorers and soon to be 70 point players. Schauble was even active at the trade deadline, securing goaltending depth to support his hopeful run towards Lord Anze. His first round result? An 11-2 drubbing at the hands of the Everett Silvertips.
This match was never close. Super Sperm was shooting blanks. It was as though Tips GM Court Watson performed a 7 day vasectomy on Schauble and it wasn't using today’s no scalpel, no needle procedure. Watson chose to do things the old fashion way, leaving Schauble with a limp dick, multiple stitches and a scrotum that'll be black and blue for weeks. Watson will be watching this year’s Masters tournament live from Augusta National. Schauble will be watching it on TV from his couch while wearing an athletic supporter to hold his ice pack in place. And since he shoots blanks, he won’t need the cup. Which is good, because he still doesn’t have one. A cup, that is.
Good luck with your recovery, Schauble. Perhaps you should consider a name change for next season.
JLP
Every dog has its day
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