There have been many famous rapes in history. Britney Spears singing “I Love Rock and Roll” in Crossroads, Jesse Cook being bent over by Paymon..wait, that was consensual. Anyway, the list goes on and on, and this week we get to add another rape to the list. A trade rape.
Daniel Sedin is not even at his peak, he has a long career ahead of him. He is the #1 ranked player in fantasy hockey. You would think that any competent manager could trade him for almost anyone and get another player or two or improve a future draft. At the very least, a fair trade is straight up for anyone.
Instead, GM Pete Shpak dealt a crushing blow to the Hellcat’s and swapped him for Jimmy Howard. On top of that, he GAVE AWAY a bag of marbles. I am not kidding, Neuvirth is Czech for bag and Roloson is Ukrainian for marbles. I looked it up. It is true.
So this is a clearly a trade rape, but we will argue for minutes what kind of trade rape is it. Is it a trade rape to protect the team and make everyone stronger like Mary MacGregor taking it in Rob Roy? Or is it a trade like Bijou Phillips in Havoc with Anne Hathaway watching, where you almost think she did it for fun? The argument may be never ending, but trade rape is still trade rape, and Pistol got trade raped. Hard.
Let’s take a look at the power rankings this week, including what each manager said they would have given up for Daniel Sedin if GM Pete Shpak had not been shooting for the Eugene Adams award. As always, these are actual quotes from actual GMs.
1. Anzoolander (Previously: 1) - “I hate Vancouver, but I can’t say no to the best player in fantasy, I would have given up Henrique, Benn and Halak for him, all keepers obv.”
2. Everett Silvertips (4) - “Quick, Bernier and Mike Richards for Sedin.”
3. Me So Vyborny (2) - “Patrick Sharp. Wait, what? Patrick Sharp is old and hurt? Shoot, I don’t know then, how do I look at my team? Do I still have Kessel?”
4. Kanucks (6) - “Malkin and Lehtonen. And a free crossfit foundation course.” Ok, I made that last sentence up.
5. Captain Chinese (5) – I didn’t ask GM Bert Fong, because there is nothing of value on this team.
6. Not Poodle (9) – “Niemi and Keith, only because I am getting tired about Duncan talking about how Court is his best friend.”
7. Flowers in the Cage (12) – “I would give up every Capital I have for Sedin, that is how desperate I am. With my luck Sedin would blow out his knee first game I had him.” Ahh, Eeyore.
8. Clarence Swampton (11) – “Luongo and Schenn.”
9. Crosby’s Concussions (9) – “Have you ever seen Scott Freeland when he wins and hand in Poker or sees extreme violence on television and laughs hysterically like a complete asshole? I have done that at least once a day since this trade happened.”
10. Jesse Loves Paymon (13) – “Ward and Marchand. Maybe swap my 2nd for his 5th if he rejects the first offer.”
11. Bizzarohawks (10) – “Lupul and Mike Smith. Like I know what the fuck I am doing.”
12. Super Sperm (14) – “I would give up Ovie, maybe swap some picks. That trade was focking ghey.”
13. Texans (7) – “Heatley and Vokoun.”
14. Pistol Hellcats (3) - “Pass the Vaseline, please.”
I just might turn off commenting so Pete can’t get the last word (drives him nuts).
Side note: sucked in to all the teams that got dinged on pretty significant injuries this week, there were some doozies:
Me So Vyborny (Patrick Sharp, upper body, indefinite)
Everett Silvertips (Jeff Carter, separated shoulder, 4-6 weeks)
Jesse Loves Paymon (Marchand, suspended 5 games)
Captain Chinese (Eberle, knee, unknown)
Flowers In The Cage (James Neal, Foot, indefinite)
Not Poodle (Jordan Staal, Knee, 4-6 weeks)
Ouch.
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