Power Rankings: Week 5

Like the NFL this year, we are seeing a lot of parity in this league. But, also like the NFL, there is a team that is not good, and like the NFL, that team is in Seattle.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) - Weak offense was carried by some solid goaltending this week. Probably the most well rounded of the top 3.

2. Not Poodle!!! (3) – Keep’s racking up the points, with the only weakness being in goaltending. Both goaltenders get worse and worse every year, hopefully they can hold on for this team.

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Great offense, will Cam Ward make the difference? Until he proves himself, this team won’t move up any further.

4. Malkin in the Middle (2) – Very solid on offense. Showed this week that this team can still win even without Cam Ward, who put up Dwayne Roloson type numbers this week. Roloson won’t be adding any wins to this team, but he does have better numbers season to date compared to Roberto Luongo, so picking up Paul Stastny in the transaction was not that bad of a move. However, so far to date, I think this team is just lucky, facing off against weaker competitors.

5. Texans (7) – The Wall, Brian Elliot, performed like only the wall can this week. That, along with solid offensive production, and playing a cellar dweller, is making this team look really good.

6. Sultan HC (5) – Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.

7. Super Sperm (10) – All around solid performance, but nothing that jumps out. Look for this team to potentially make some moves to get it into the upper echelon.

8. Me So Vyborny (4) – Marian Hossa and Steve Downie are back and not soon enough…look for this team to bounce back after a bad, bad week.

9. This Space for Rent $5 (8) – It is the teams from 7-10 that could go either way. This team relies a little too much on one player, so we will see how they do in the long run.

10. Pistol’s Hellcats (13) – The trades made by crafty little GM Frodo Baggins Pete Shpak have given this team solid offensive production, now this team either needs the goalies to come around or leverage some offense for better goaltenders. Maybe advertising his needs using giant squares with shapes will work.

11. Bizzarohawks (11)

12. Anzoolander (12) – some good trades have made this team better. Because of all the trades, I am not actually sure who is on this team other than Anze Kopitar, the only player in the NHL as ugly as GM Jesse Cook.

13. Kanucks (14) – Sending out an S.O.S., sending out an S.O.S…..

15. Ottawa HC (9) – After being the voluntary recipient of trade rape, the great storm of 1781 that sent John Jameson overboard is being matched by the epic fantasy hockey storm in 2010 featuring injuries and suckdom of nautical proportions forcing GM Court Watson to drink seawater. Marian Gaborik couldn’t come back sooner, but expect a gentle breeze to end his season this week.

Quote of the week

“Dave. kanuxks. Just got he de a wedding. Shot faced.”

Oddly, Steve had a cheeseburger or six shortly after this gem.

Rejected trade of the week

Was any trade rejected?

A Handle on Yandle

Great interview with GM Jesse Cook and his thought process on trades.

Power Rankings: Week 3

Today is the day the NBA season starts, and the NHL falls to number 8 (NFL, MLB, NBA, PBA, PBR, NASCAR, WSOP, NHL)among professional sports viewership in the United States.  Lets take a look at the rankings for this week.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 5) – This team continues to dominate despite a very slow start from both Eric Staal and Ryan Getzlaf.  Perhaps this is because NHL’s leading scorer, Anze Kopitar, was stolen in the late rounds by GM Matt Meier.  Matt made a great comparison when asked on his rationale for picking Anze, “he is the Larry Fitzgerald of the NHL, how can you not take him?”  Probably one of the most accurate comparisons I have ever heard.  Ever.  With Huet heating up in net, all this team needs to do is find a second goaltender and we have a favorite to win it all.

2.  In Over My Head (3)– This team owns the best overall record in the league, propelled by the phenomenal play of Patrick Marleau and Ilya Kovalchuk.  GM Cole Ballard’s secret to success?  “Two words, no ‘Caps.”  However, the devasting loss of Kovalchuk for 4 weeks may hurt this team badly (sidenote: line mate Nik Antropov did not practice on Monday as well) .  It doesn’t help that goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov seems to be feast or famine, looking like the goalie he should be in Coyotes’ wins but looking like Red McIntyre in Coyotes’ losses (Oddly enough, Ilya did spend time with Red as a teenager…true story).  This team could theoretically start 3 Atlanta Thrashers on any given week, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

3.  Kanucks (7)– How convinced is GM Dave Kitchen that Pavel Datsyuk is going to have an amazing year?  So much so he is trying to trade him for your best player plus your hottest player.  One wonders why Dave doesn’t just keep him if he is that good.  By the way, how many of you out there realize that it is tough to trade a player who is slumping and injured for a player who is careering it so far this season, on a dynamite line with loads of talent and had a pretty good campaign last year?  If you said that you did, then you are smarter than a piece of cow dung David Kitchen.

4.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (7) – This team continues to plod along, despite an overflowing injured reserve.  One can’t help but wonder how long players like Matt Moulson can continue their torrid pace.  If the offense can keep together, it looks like the goaltenders are returning to form and that means this team is poised for the long run.

5.  Texans (10) – Impressive win this past week despite the weak goaltenders and having Andrei Markov out.  There is actually quite a bit of talent on this team, it will be interesting to see if GM Chris Thomas manages it properly (he won’t).  Despite losing to the Texans this week, $0.20 Kane’s GM Red McIntyre was still positive, retorting, “my stairs - 1, his pants - 0.”

6.  Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous – 1) – With the exception of Ovi, this is probably the most boring team in the league.  How do you get excited about any team that starts three D-men?  On another note, did anyone know that Del Zotto is Italian for fag tattoo?  Well it is.

7.  $0.20 Kane (2) – While I originally thought this team was stacked, I think we may be seeing some players who aren’t performing because they are in bad situations and some players who just aren’t performing.  Furthermore, we are seeing some questionable moves by GM Red McIntyre.  Specifically, benching his hottest player, David Perron, this week even though he isn’t playing any less games than his replacements.  It could be that subtle moves like this moved this team into a battle for last in the previous year.  We will see what happens this year.

8.  Malkin in the Middle (8)– Almost clean swept this week if it wasn’t for the minimum 2 starts rule to wipe out Grand Rapid T-Hawks goalie stats.  This team is struggling to get anything going, but gets extremely lucky and takes advantage of poor rules or officiating.  Sounds like another team from Pittsburgh I know.  Hint: their QB is a rapist.

9.  TBD (2) - 

Enough said.

10.  Amish Rake Fighters (11) – Despite benching the team’s best player in Ryan Smyth, somehow this team is still right in the thick of things.  I liken GM Peter Burns to a fantasy version of Jim Zorn; a whole lotta hoopla, but not alot of substance.  Mainly just hot air.  Perhaps a mental midget of sorts.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The star player on this team’s offense is Henrik Sedin.  Drink it in.  This team is actually a lot like the Vancouver Canucks; Luongo isn’t going to get much help from the offense.

12.  Suck It Trebek (9) – Of the new GMs in this year’s, Ryan Schauble is struggling this most.  Having snipers Marion Gaborik and Corey Perry just isn’t enough to carry a team starting two New York Islanders.  The Monster is back for Toronto, but I don’t think that will be enough for this team to mount any sort of charge.  Ryan was disappointed at the Power Rankings in week 1, but I think I may have been too generous.  This team sucks.

13.  Montreal Wanderers (12) – How the mighty have fallen.  Continued success year after year in this league may come to an end this year, as injuries and flu decimate this team week in and week out.  With both Thomas Vanek and Alexander Semin back this week, this team might get the big win they need badly to prevent failing behind by a significant deficit, but the future of this team will be contingent on role players stepping up, and Henrik Zetterberg and Marian Hossa both returning to form.

14.  All For Paymon (14)– 8 of 10 starting offensive players are playing above their O-ranks.  It is only a matter of time before the player’s return to their statistical means.  For this team to maintain it’s performance, it will have to be through the waiver wire, as GM Jesse Cook is black balled by a 350 pound NFL lineman named JaHenry by the rest of the league.  Said one GM who asked to NOT be anonymous, Red McIntyre, “I wouldn’t trade them Kyle Beach, a prime example of how shitty Chicago is at drafting, even if Jesse paid me beyond the 8 pack of Lucky lager he owes me for the Canucks shit-kicking the Blackhawks.  You suck Cook!”  Enough said.  P.S. with the goalies this team has, there is a very realistic chance this team might not meet the minimum 2 starts and forfeit all goalie categories in the coming weeks.  Look for an “interesting” trade offer from Jesse to laugh at and reject soon as he tries to remedy his goalie situation.  And by “interesting”, I mean shitty.

Black Balls

DISCLAIMER: This article does not go into detail about the state of Jesse Cook’s testicles after dry humping his “coworker” Paymon. Instead it deals with something much more serious, or hilarious, or both.

With the flurry of trades that have occured in this year (Steve Mason for Martin St. Louis, Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury and Alexander Frolov, Bill Guerin and Dion Phaneuf for Bryan Little and Nicklas Lidstrom, etc), this league has shown to be one of the most freewheeling, strategic league in years. Unfortunately for one manager, he is spending most of the season on the outside looking in.

“I don't even care anymore...I say go for it,” depressingly resigns Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook after the staggeringly retarded trade between RoBERTo LuFONGo and George McPhee (manager Cole Ballard even said “This was a total fire sale. I don’t care about winning”) that saw Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk go to RoBERTo LuFONGo for Alexander Ovechkin. Jesse had made several offers for Carter and Datsyuk, but had had no such luck in coming to an agreement with George McPhee, or anyone else for that matter. What is it that prevent all other managers from dealing with Jesse Cook?

“The difference between me and Cook... I try to address other teams needs when proposing a trade,” says The Plumber’s manager Steve McIntyre. Anzoolander Killer manager Scott Freeland comments “I chirp Cook so much because he trade offers are so horrible.” Cole Ballard, the manager who Jesse offered so many, many proposals for and was able to get zero trades through the league office said the Jesse just kept offering the “same crappy deals” and had the managerial skills of an “ass clown.” When asked to comment on all the trades he has seen proposed by Jesse, League Commissioner and Ottawa HC manager Court Watson would only comment that the trades were “interesting” (and then proceeded to say right after that by interesting he meant shitty).

As you can see from the comments by other managers, there really is no good reason why Jesse can’t get trades to go through, it is just one of life’s pleasant mysteries. Will the rest of league see the true value of Anze Kopitar and help Anzoolander stop their downward spiral down the league standings?

“My team is getting an overhaul” monotones Jesse Cook. With nobody willing to trade with him, the league is definitely curious as to how.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Right after being traded to Mystery Eskimos, Bryan Little suffered a rib contusion and is day to day. Said former owner Cole Ballard, “flippin’ sweet.”

Rick Nash also banged himself up running into the boards, depleting Mystery Eskimos even further. Manager Caleb Widen believes that Nash is just “being self-preserving".”

Marion Gaborik is out again for an extended period. He is now officially the most talented pussy ever in the NHL.

Rumor has it that Roberto Luongo is close to return. This makes the Plumbers even scarier.

Andy McDonald is also close to returning off the IR. He will still be considered dead weight. Maybe Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook can offer him for Henrik Zetterberg. That sounds about right.