Power Rankings: Week 6

The parity of last week is gone. It is getting pretty clear who the contenders are and who has no fucking chance.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) – Another solid week by this team, despite brutal working conditions and minimal pay. I don’t see this team falling as long as Bert’s currency is pegged to the USD.

2. Not Poodle!!! (2) - Here is probably the best way to describe this team’s offense this week:

Ottawa HC had no shot after the first night, and Not Poodle!!! never looked back.

3. Texans (5) - Another week of prolific offense that is starting to fire on all cylinders. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook best described Texans’ manager Chris Thomas strategy: “He is such a lucky son of a bitch.” Agreed.

4. Super Sperm (7) – Keeper Phil Kessel and crew had a solid week despite keeper Phil Kessel. Solid goaltending and continued offense should have this team in good position come playoffs. Hopefully GM Ryan Schauble doesn’t fuck it up, some of his logic is stupid.

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) - GM Steve McIntyre has done a great job getting solid goaltending but didn’t have the offense to keep up with Super Sperm. Trades may be difficult for this team, as the GM is getting the reputation of asking absurd amounts for his players.

6. Sultan HC (6) – Didn’t have the firepower to keep up with the Texans this week, but some decent goaltending (and an off week for the Wall) helped this team to hold its own. One wonders if this team has what it takes to win a playoff week should the 17 Capitals on his team be off.

7. Malkin in the Middle (4) – The goaltending is a bit of concern, as Dwayne Roloson’s 1) not on the greatest team, 2) is not the future of that team and 3) is not very good. At least his numbers aren’t as bad as Roberto Luongo’s.

8. Me So Vyborny (8) – Tim Thomas continues to carry this team. The lack of offense is a bit of a concern, as is the nagging injury to Martin Brodeur.

9. Pistol’s Hellcats (10) – I don’t think this team would have beat any of the team’s ranked above it here, but I am too lazy to actually run the numbers, so I am just gonna say it is true.

10. This Space for Rent $5 (9) – Paid way to much for Luongo. Second trade rape of the year.

11. Anzoolander (12) – Not really sure how Steve Mason is still employed, but Mathieu Garon is making enough of an impact help this team out. The offense still isn’t quite where it needs to be, but it has been making improvements and isn’t out of the playoff race yet.

12. Bizzarohawks (11) – Bizzarohawks GM abandoned his team to get certified in Crossfit this weekend. Please feel free to add the next sentence yourself. I imagine that they will range from “That is awesome” from Kitchen to “Hahahahahahahahaha” from Cook.

13. Kanucks (13) and 16. Ottawa HC (15) - Why explain their misery when this video analogizes it perfectly (with Ottawa HC being in the white and Kanucks in the red):

Quote of the week comes from Dave Kitchen:

“Wow, Jessie actually paid $5 to change his team name”

Yeah, that could have got him 1 whole minute of Crossfit. What a waste.

Rejected trade of the week

Any of the trades that included keeper Phil Kessel.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Like the NFL this year, we are seeing a lot of parity in this league. But, also like the NFL, there is a team that is not good, and like the NFL, that team is in Seattle.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) - Weak offense was carried by some solid goaltending this week. Probably the most well rounded of the top 3.

2. Not Poodle!!! (3) – Keep’s racking up the points, with the only weakness being in goaltending. Both goaltenders get worse and worse every year, hopefully they can hold on for this team.

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Great offense, will Cam Ward make the difference? Until he proves himself, this team won’t move up any further.

4. Malkin in the Middle (2) – Very solid on offense. Showed this week that this team can still win even without Cam Ward, who put up Dwayne Roloson type numbers this week. Roloson won’t be adding any wins to this team, but he does have better numbers season to date compared to Roberto Luongo, so picking up Paul Stastny in the transaction was not that bad of a move. However, so far to date, I think this team is just lucky, facing off against weaker competitors.

5. Texans (7) – The Wall, Brian Elliot, performed like only the wall can this week. That, along with solid offensive production, and playing a cellar dweller, is making this team look really good.

6. Sultan HC (5) – Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.

7. Super Sperm (10) – All around solid performance, but nothing that jumps out. Look for this team to potentially make some moves to get it into the upper echelon.

8. Me So Vyborny (4) – Marian Hossa and Steve Downie are back and not soon enough…look for this team to bounce back after a bad, bad week.

9. This Space for Rent $5 (8) – It is the teams from 7-10 that could go either way. This team relies a little too much on one player, so we will see how they do in the long run.

10. Pistol’s Hellcats (13) – The trades made by crafty little GM Frodo Baggins Pete Shpak have given this team solid offensive production, now this team either needs the goalies to come around or leverage some offense for better goaltenders. Maybe advertising his needs using giant squares with shapes will work.

11. Bizzarohawks (11)

12. Anzoolander (12) – some good trades have made this team better. Because of all the trades, I am not actually sure who is on this team other than Anze Kopitar, the only player in the NHL as ugly as GM Jesse Cook.

13. Kanucks (14) – Sending out an S.O.S., sending out an S.O.S…..

15. Ottawa HC (9) – After being the voluntary recipient of trade rape, the great storm of 1781 that sent John Jameson overboard is being matched by the epic fantasy hockey storm in 2010 featuring injuries and suckdom of nautical proportions forcing GM Court Watson to drink seawater. Marian Gaborik couldn’t come back sooner, but expect a gentle breeze to end his season this week.

Quote of the week

“Dave. kanuxks. Just got he de a wedding. Shot faced.”

Oddly, Steve had a cheeseburger or six shortly after this gem.

Rejected trade of the week

Was any trade rejected?

Power Rankings: Week 15

Next year, we are making the league smaller.  Why you ask?  Is it because Jesse only like’s to be in one big thing, and it is Paymon’s mouth?  Nope, it is because this weekly update is takes too long with this many teams.  Speaking of which, here they are for this week.

1.  The 2009 SJ Sharks (Previous: 1) – When I first put this team atop the rankings, I hoped it was a bad omen.   They lost that week.  Last week, no power rankings and they won.  This week:  I just had Jobu put a curse on you.

2.  2 mins for Whining (4) – This offensive juggernaut traded away some top talent, and in the process made his offense and goaltending worse.  Cellar dwelling goaltender stats will be the demise of this team, and judging by the recent flurry of moves to put this team on top of the transaction list, GM Jesse Cook knows it.  He was even spotted at a Canucks game courting Roberto Luongo to join his squad.

3.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – The Borg is back.  By the way, does anyone else think it should be a requirement that this team acquire Alexandre Picard?  I do.

4.  Malkin In the Middle (8) – This team has been on a torrent pace the past month and is getting all the right breaks; a Monday morning stat correction gave this team the narrow victory this week.  The recent trade to dump a brutal goalie for a decent center only made this team better.  I pity the team that finishes atop the standings that battles this team come playoff time.

5.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (2) – Clobbered last week, this team lives and dies by goaltending, of which it starts two of the streakiest in the game.

6.  Bizzarohawks (3) - 

7.  Texans (12) – He may be whinny, but Alexandre Burrows has more goals in the past two weeks than every player on the Calgary Flames…combined.   With Alfredsson coming back hot and Vokoun turning it one, this team could make a strong push through the playoffs.

8.  Montreal Wanderers (7) – Consistently in the top 5 week to week in points the last month and a half and with a solid stable of goaltenders, this team just hasn’t had the breakout win it needs to advance into playoff contention.  Potential back breaking loss this past week, as GM Court Watson stated that the scoring adjustment to Steve Sullivan was “a kick in the nuts, I had the win, then I woke up and it was gone.  Now I know how USC will feel.”  Needs to destroy a team one week to gain any ground in the playoff hunt.  With Fleury hurt, that might not happen.

9.  Amish Rake Fighters (5) – Outplayed by a better team this week; this team just doesn’t have what it takes to be a playoff contender.  I don’t see that changing anytime soon, even with GM Peter Burns sitting at home all day every day now.

10.  Kanucks (9) – This team won last week, but would have gotten smoked by almost every other team.  Bad trades haven’t helped this team, though GM Dave Kitchen gets an ‘A’ for effort.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – Canucks score, this team does well.  If only they still had Luongo, what a dumb fuck GM Bert Fong is.

12.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – See dumb fuck above, this team is the benefactor.  Do we blame the shitty team on the fact that GM Red McIntyre just had a kid, or do we blame it on the fact that his track record of sucking speaks for itself?

13.  Suck It Trebek (10) – Never seen a sophmore slump start 1/3 of the way into a GM’s freshman year…well done.

14.  Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – Another sophomre slump, only this slump is coma inducing.

Power Rankings: Week 13

First, I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas, because as long as Muslims continue to try to blow up airplanes, I have no inclination to be politically correct. Second, we are just past the half way mark and every team has played each other at least once; the playoff push is beginning for the teams at the bottom, and the trade deadline is fast approaching. Third, somebody tell the fat kid to put his shirt back on. With that said, lets take a look at this week’s power rankings. I know, it has been a while.

1. We’re Still Here (previous: 3) – Keeps winning week in and week out. I am not convinced this team is a playoff ready team, as so much relies on his goalies. But given the fact GM Cole Ballard is now at home all day everyday enjoying the sweet life and studying stat sheets, it is inevitable that he has the edge on all of us. I am hoping ranking him #1 will be a bad omen for his team.

2. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (previous: 1) – Won handily this week with his star center on injured reserve yet still on the active roster. Passive management is all that really hurts this team. Oddly, without much effort, went from having a horrible goalie tandem to having one of the best, just by picking up Carey Price, who was on waivers. What idiot dropped Price?

3. Bizzarohawks (5)

4. People Know Me (2) – The hot start by an overachieving team has started to cool, with only 2 wins in the last 5 starts. The confusing recent transactions on the league home page show that GM Jesse Cook is concerned about it…or retarded.

5. Amish Rake Fighters (7) – What did we learn about this team last week? That Fatty’s team sucks. Bad.

6. Dave’Killer’Carlson (9) – This team is like the Borg from Star Trek. Just hovering in the solar system, not doing much, and nobody is sure if they are gonna kill us all or go away.

7. Montreal Wanderers (11) – Has quietly won 5 of the last 6 weeks, including wins against the top three teams in the Prince of Wales Conference. This team needs to stay healthy and cannot afford a large loss if it has any chance at the playoffs though.

8. Malkin In the Middle (8) – Picking up Jimmy Howard made this team instantly better. Who is the idiot that dropped him? GM Dave Dugan pwned Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen in two trades, giving up a goalie he would never, ever start for a startable center, and then added an upgrade at D and two very good wingers, losing a #3 d-man on the 2nd power play unit for an offensively impotent team and a guy who got the shit kicked out of him last week. Fuck, was that funny. If lost faceoffs was a stat to have, Toews would be the player to keep. That, and ugly playoff beards.

Update: I was incorrect, Malkin traded a worthless goalie to People Know Me, not to the Kanucks.

9. Kanucks (10) – Nice trades….LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Update: Nice trade....LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

10. Suck It Trebek (4) – This team has lost 5 straight weeks…officially entering planet suckdom.

11. $0.20 Kane (12) – The win-loss record for this team is a goddamn roller coaster. I can’t figure them out. GM Steve McIntyre says they suck, but has done nothing to improve them since stealing Luongo from the retarded chinaman, so suck is what they shall be.

12. Texans (6) – Another team reeling in losses, dropping 6 of the last 7 weeks, and having only 2 wins in past 9. Do something about it.

13. Swedish Old Balls (13) – How did that trade work out for you?

14. Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – Ground control to Major Fatty, I repeat, ground control to major fatty, you think your spaceship knows which way to go, but you are, regrettably, dead fucking wrong.

Can't We All Just Get Along

Forgot How To Win's manager, Cole Ballard, is struggling in his effort to work trades with the Canadian teams that have joined the league in the first year of Puck Yourself's expansion efforts.

"I can't figure it out, I make a reasonable trade, and they counter with some clown I have never even heard of" notes a frustrated Ballard. "I am a diehard Caps' fan, ever since the days of Pete Peters, and am willing to give up a little just to get Caps', but this is ridiculous."

One trade Ballard points to is his recent effort to acquire Alexander Ovechkin. "I offered Jeff Carter, Pavel Datsyuk, and Nicklas Lidstrom for just Ovechkin, and not only does it get rejected, he comes back with Todd Bertuzzi for Milan Lucic. How the #@!$ are those two related to the initial trade offer and why would I want that cheap shot moron?"

But Ballard says the cake goes to Steve Loves Paymon (SLP). "Does that guy think that I know nothing about hockey?" Cole asks sarcastically. "I offer Carter, the #4 player in the league, for (Nicklas) Backstrom. The he counters by offering Anze Kopitar with Backstrom for Carter and Datsyuk? Is he high? who the hell is Anze Kopitar?"

One thing is clear; Kopitar sure is ugly.

Ballard says the trade was withdrawn, "But the next offer wasn't any better. He swapped Kopitar for Doug Weight. I mean, he doesn't have to insult me."

When asked to comment on the offer, SLP manager Jesse Cook was vague, only to say "This trade is fair...big names yes, but fair. Both of us are trying to make our clubs as well rounded as possible, and fill any gaps we have." A quick look at recent Yahoo! Sports season rankings show Weight at 72 and Backstrom at 28 respectively for the year, Carter is at 10 and Datsyuk is at 34, respectively. Clearly, Cook has been eating Elmer's glue more often than his usual twice a week.

When asked to comment on Cook's trade proposals, The Plumbers manager, Steve McIntyre, commented "(Cook) uses Paymon's swass salt on (his) corn."

Yes, yes he does.

SAY IT AIN'T SO

Blue Jackets Rookie Derick Brassard is out 3-4 weeks after injuring his shoulder in last night's overtime loss to Dallas, depleting an already weak Ottawa HC roster.

Capitals goalie Jose Theodore has been activated off IR this week, but from a fantasy perpective he is still expected to suck.

The Vancouver Canucks have signed a 1 year deal with Mats Sundin which could show immediate benefit to Roberto Lufongo. The addition still does not address the fact that Roberto Lufongo is still managed by an Asian.

Tim Thomas showed indications of returning to his former self in the scoring melee last night in beantown. Phenom Manny Fernandez stepped in midway through the 2nd period to save Thomas' arse for what likely won't be the last time this season.