Power Rankings: Week 14

Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog;  In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole).  This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law.  After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).

1.  Bizzarohawks (4)

2.  Not Poodle!!! (10)

3.  Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)

4.  Flower’s In the Cage (3)

5.  Anzoolander (14)

6.  Everett Silvertips (2)

7.  Kanucks (T-5)

8.  Texans (9)

9.  Super Sperm (1)

10.  Dr. Hook (13)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)

12.  Captain Chinese (12)

13.  Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)

14.  Me So Vyborny (11)

1.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea.  There is a reason why this team is bad.

2.  The team with the most points is in last.  Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.

3.  Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior.  GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.

4.  Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other.   Oddly, neither of them have noticed.  Somehow, neither of them are last.  God have mercy on us all.

5.  Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.

6.  Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs.  Expect some selling, and soon.

7.  15% of all statistics are made up.

8.  If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it.  This is first class.  Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.

9.  Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference.  Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.

10.  Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan.  Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.

11.  Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.

12.  Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena.  I love karma.

13.  The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week.  There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now.  Right this second.

14.  Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful.  Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris.  Vaginal hubris.

15.  You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong.  Instead, they looked brutal.  I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19. 

16.  Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo.  Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie.  Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.

17.  The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means.  Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.

18.  Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).

Forging elite fitness.

19.  Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?

20.  What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on?  He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup.  Fuck that Leland Irving clown.  Go Giants.

21.  Best pickup of the waivers so far this year?  Mikkel Boedker by the Texans.  Well done sir.

22.  God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies.  The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.

23.  Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid?  I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short.  We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.

24.  When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.

25.  GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout.  Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:

But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.

26.  The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.

27.  Islanders.  Playoffs.  Guaranteed.

Thoughts on the Draft

It is Thursday night, I am in an airport, and I have had a few…too many.  Perfect time to share some thoughts on the draft.

1.  Bert Fong is the worst general manager of any organization, real or fantasy, I have ever seen.  Nobody can submarine an organization like he can.  It is so bad it I am actually impressed.

2.  Chris Thomas almost one upped his brother in law, GM Jesse Cook, by drafting Anton Khudobin in the third round.  You may recall the great draft of 2009.  I say almost, because Thomas didn’t select him 9th overall.  Lets see if he continues in his brother-in-laws footsteps by trading Khudobin for peanuts one day before Tuukka Rask goes down with an case of European pussiness.

3.  The 1st overall pick in the actual NHL draft continues to be drafted in our league in my mind, way, way to early.  Factoring in how much later the 2nd overall pick has gone, those players are a bargain (Hall, 6th, Seguin, 13th in 2010.  RNH, 1st, Landeskog, 11th).  Bad GMs are paying quite a premium in the draft, and it isn’t really paying off.

4.  GM Court Watson, who has drafted the 2nd overall NHL pick the last two years, continued that trend by drafting the 2nd forward taken in the 2012 draft in Alex Galchenyuk in the 8th round.  It will be interesting to see who performs better between Yakupov and Galchenyuk in relation to where they went in the draft, as critics believe Galchenyuk is physically the most ready for the NHL (similar to the opinion on Landeskog).

5.  The first trade has already happened, and involved a heavyweight.  The Bizarrohawks are clearly making a run this year, though they may lack the goaltenders to make it far.   You got jam Ninja.  The Everett Silvertips could no longer use the rookie rule on Landeskog, which means something had to give, and trading a forward with D-man minutes entering his 30s isn’t the worst move.  Both teams might benefit from this.

6.  GM Jesse Cook really likes his team.  This is no different than the last 4 years, where Anzoolander’s best performance has been a 1st round exit, and required multiple moves during the season to make the team half decent.  Awful.

7.  Ryan Schauble only complained about the time of the draft 76 times, a new low for him.  This was probably due to the fact he only realized what time the draft was the day before, despite it being on the fantasy home page, posted on the blog, and sent to him in the form of a calendar invite.  Baby steps I guess.

8.  ‘Dr. Hook’ once again autodrafted and will probably beat half the teams in the league, just like every other year.  That would normally prove that the draft is a fluke, except this team beats the same teams every year, which shows some people are super bad at fantasy hockey.

9.  The stewardess on my plane could probably lose a few lbs.

10.  And serve drinks faster.

11.  And get in the kitchen.

12.  If you are offended by the term stewardess and think they should be called flight attendant and I am sexist, I disagree.  I call all the employees in the cabin stewardesses, because regardless of gender, they are still a vagina.  And if you are offended, so are you.

13.  Seriously, Bert Fong is awful at Fantasy Hockey.  Like as bad as this car crash.

This is awful and tragic, but I did laugh at the title.

14.  The team that is the scariest is Crosby’s Concussions.  A very solid draft, and I am expecting big things from this team this year.  Varlamov will be more valuable than Kiprusoff, and might replace Letang as a keeper on this team.  You heard it hear first.  Don’t fuck it up Dave.

15.  For multiple reasons, farting on a plane is hilarious.

16.  The best value pick in the draft was David Perron in the ninth.  Unless Bernier gets traded and becomes a starter.  Then it was that pick in the 12th.

17.  The Islanders will make the playoffs because they are awesome.  Hockey with heart.

18.  A nine week fantasy season means any team can win.  If Captain Chinese wins, I will shut down the league and destroy the Anze Cup.

19.  The Anze Cup has aged nicely this season and is excited for its new home.  Even defending champion and GM Court Watson acknowledges it might have a new home, guessing “two inches from where it currently rests.”

20.  This isn’t the year Matt Meier becomes an inspirational story like Rudy and wins it all.  This is the year where his story is like the guy that accomplished nothing and nobody knows about.

21.  That Notre Dame football player and Jesse Cook share something in common; they made up a girl that nobody else ever saw.  Jesse met his in Australia.  Sure you did buddy.  Also, they share something else; they made it up to keep hiding in the closet.

22.  Bryan Little should be required to be on Pistol’s Hellcats.  He looks like GM Pete Shpak, is the same height (5’11”) and his last name is little, which makes me chuckle pretty good. 

23.  The heartwarming story of the draft is BFFs Duncan Keith and Court Watson reunited (and it feels so goooooooood).

24.  I just saw that Vincent Lecavalier went in the second round…wtf?!?!?

25.  Who is fatter?  Lucic or Byfuglien?  Both will be liabilities to their respective fantasy teams.

26.  Ryan Schauble had the best set of keepers in the league and came dead last.  He sucks at this.  So, he brought in a co-manager to help him run his team.  Everyone, Sean Stock.  I like to think of this as being as stupid as the co-dependency between Mayim Bialik and her kids.  I can only imagine who sucks on who’s tits.  I don’t know who Sean is, so that means I hate him, but Steve says he is easy to trade rape, so of course, he is welcome.

27.  I just got cut off by the stewardess, I am done.

Let’s Get it On!

Three U18 World Championships in a row and an U20 World Championship just wasn’t good enough for the ol’ U.S. of A.

We even won the World Inlines.  Imagine if the U.S. used their best athletes in hockey games, or their second best, or their third best, or their fourth best?  Canada would have to just quit and stop pretending they ever invented hockey.

Anyhoo, from the great casino that brought you beer pong on their main gambling floor, the kind Sirs at O’Shea’s Casino kindly provided opening odds on the Anze Cup Champion futures.  What better way to start off the power rankings?!?!  There are some interesting picks by these gentlemen, but they are very good at what they do, so lets take a look.

Super Sperm (8/1) – Probably the biggest group of “names” in the keeper stable and with high draft picks to boot. This will be a critical year for Rick Nash, as we will learn how valuable he really is, now being on a team with actual offense. GM Ryan Schauble is pretty good at screwing things up, but until that happens, the boys at O’Shea’s like this team to take it all.

Everett Silvertips (10/1) – Returning the youngest stable of keepers, and the only group of keepers where all players are on the first page of the Yahoo! O-rankings, with two first round and second round draft picks, this team has the potential to repeat.  Concern around the return of Ilya Kovalchuk casts a cloud over this team, but recent indications are Kovy will be back in action.  All signs indicate a strong year for all keepers, with the biggest question mark being whether or not Tuukka Rask can handle the role of the true #1 goalie.  GM Court Watson was asked to join the GMs with kids group within the league, but after hearing the non-stop whining and gay excuses they make related to their kids for poor fantasy hockey performance, he wanted none of it.  Excuses are for crossfitters losers.

Flowers in the Cage (15/1) – The Inglorious Backes and Co. return after a near miss. GM Cole Ballard has now finished runner up 17 times in this league. That has to be some sort of record. He probably would have won, had he not declined Seguin for Couture, but oh well, ya win so…wait, this team never wins, nevermind.  This team didn’t keep an NHL goalie, so Cole will have to find one in the draft or through trades.  Yes, I know Anderson is on the team, but I said NHL goalie.  Hey Cole, I think Brodeur is available.

Bizarrohawks (20/1) –  Like a ninja, this team snuck into the semifinals last year, which is fitting, because GM Scott Freeland is an actual ninja (party, if you are curious to the type of ninja).

   Party ninjas always sleep with their eyes open. Always.

This team’s keepers sound like they came from the island of misfit toys, but they all quietly produce, at least they did last year.  No first round picks will hurt this team, but like a Ninja, they should always be watched closely.

Crosby’s Concussions (30/1) – Anyone else on eggshells just talking about Crosby? All signs point to healthy, which is great for hockey, good for this team, and bad for all the other teams. A couple of interesting keepers, but a good year and this team can definitely compete. Not Steelers compete, I mean actually be good.

Kanucks (30/1) – Made a big push last year to win and fell short. It might cost them this year, with their first pick in the draft coming in the third round and 39th overall. Half the keepers are question marks, including both in net, but if they play to their ability this team will compete. Luckily, GM Dave Kitchen likes to espouse the same priorities as you would read in books like “What to Expect When You are a Gay Father who doesn’t watch or play sports” so I expect very little from this team beyond relying on sheer talent.

Pistol’s Hellcats (35/1) – Traded his best player for a goalie that just lost half of his defense. Can the Red Wings pull off their amazing magic again by finding hall of famers in the 7th round? Probably unlikely, which means last year’s trade rape will probably continue to be a disaster for this team. With the Sedins production falling off last year for the first time and Swedish players propensity to retire early, Iginla and Lundqvist being old, this team may be down to Ottawa Senators as its core nucleus by next year’s draft. Yes, you read that right. Okay, I will give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Jesse Loves Paymon (35/1) – Overrated: Ward, Thornton, Hossa. Old: Thornton, Hossa. Average: Lucic, Ward. See a trend here? GM Steve McIntyre recently decided to add a third child to his stable, which means he will have even less time to do any work on his team. He is technologically retarded, reads slow, and makes decisions even slower, which, given the time crunch, means he has no chance. Unless of course, he flukes out by drafting a team he thinks is awful and makes almost no moves, similar to what he did when he won the forever tainted* 2011 Anze Cup.

Texans (50/1) – A lot of uncertainty on this team. How will Parise do in Minnesota? Will Schneider get the bulk of the starts or time share? How the hell did Dustin Brown become a keeper? Ever? Will Eric Staal go gangbusters playing with his brother? Will Heatley finally just fall over and die on the ice from old age? All this uncertainty means the first overall pick will be huge, but the boys at O’Shea’s don’t think it will be enough.

Not Poodle!!! (60/1) – I wasn’t even sure that GM Matt Welsh even knew he had a team last year, and with the additional of this cute little miracle guy (btw, let me know if you need some clothes for him, my 4 month old is now in 12 mos + clothing), O’Shea’s sports book thinks this team doesn’t stand a chance. You will note that Andrew Ference did not agree to plant 50 trees for every goal scored by Patrice Bergeron, because that would mean almost no trees are planted. Good luck this year Fatty, and go fuck yourself.

Me So Vyborny (70/1) – A new job for GM Matt Meier where the previous person did nothing will keep him so busy he will be even more indecisive with his team. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either, and somewhere, GM Jesse Cook is throwing his hands up in exasperation. I am not wild about his keepers, nor am I really negative on them. O’Shea’s appears to be, and don’t like his chances.  We gave you a shot in the league Rudy, figure it out and prove that you earned it.

Captain Chinese (80/1) – Depending on who you talk to, either Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein declared compound interest to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.  Well, compound years of sucking at fantasy hockey is the Largest Blunder of the World.  Can someone tell me why offensive juggernaut Shea Weber wasn’t more sought after in last year’s draft?  In fairness, the keepers aren’t that bad, the boys at O’Sheas just expect Bert Fong to be Bert Fong and destroy this team somehow.

Dr. Hook (80/1) – This team needs to make a few more moves than the last 4 years combined. This team revolves around two players, and has repeatedly demonstrated that is not enough. GM Mike Gaunt is probably not aggressive enough to make any big changes, lets see if his New Year’s Resolution was to revamp his fantasy hockey team. I know it would be if I was him.

Anzoolander (90/1) – It takes GM Jesse Cook several months of wheeling and dealing to repair the damage done at the draft lead his team to first round exits, and with the shortened season, he won’t have enough time.  Anze Kopitar is looking to miss almost a quarter of the season with a knee injury, and Jamie Benn may choose to sit out until he has a contract in place.  The boys at O’Shea’s added another future to their books; 20/1 that he implodes into a hissy fit because he can’t figure out the rules of the league that haven’t been changed in years, and drops his fantasy team for Blackhawks plugs.

Yup, it is good to be back.

*Pistol’s Hellcats and Jesse Loves Paymon split the payout 50/50 between first and second, forever putting a black mark on that year.  I would expect it from a real estate agent, given the lack of ethics in that entire industry, but not from Steve.