A Champion's Message - A Repeat, and even more overdue.

 As is tradition in this league, the winner shares a few thoughts about the season, life, anything he damn well pleases. This year, Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan successfully defended his title, and was thoughtful enough to share the below:

My cup runneth over, gentleman.  So I won a goddamn ‘nother.  Back to back, baby.  Ass to ass. 

Most you don’t know this, & will sadly never get to know it, but 2 cups perfectly fit 3 cans of beer.  There is absolutely nothing in this world like cracking a holy trinity of pilsners, turning on the ole Connor & Leon show, & cutting down fridge trips by 33%.  That energy savings goes straight into the Molson muscle.  A sign of wealth, they say...measure your success in belt loops, not bank accounts.

On Halloween you can duct tape them on & be Edward Steinhands.  Kids love it.  During road trips cars will literally speed up to get pics of guy pulling trailer double fisting Anze the giants, ripping the hip & living the Canadian dream.

 The thing I’ve learned about life is it’s about balance, boys.  2 kids.  2 testicles.  2 hands.  2 cups.  A thing of beauty. And lllllllet me tell hue someting pandejo, the job ain’t done.

Mitch Please is buzzing.  Boys are snapping it around.  We’re eating fruit.  Drinking green juices.  Off the hooch & firing the sauce.  The Russian wall is doing what the 2 best goalies in the world do & the man behind the curtain has assembled what very well should be the fortifying run of a dynasty.  We’re gonna take 3.  We’re gonna go for 4.  We’re getting cups for all the king’s horses & all the king’s men by the time this core hangs up the jocks. 

 

Speaking of jocks, you perverts let me know anytime you wanna come sniff the champ’s.

 

In all seriousness, Mitch Please rules.  Also, be better. 

 

In actual all seriousness, thanks for the banter you goddamn degenerates, thanks for the unsolicited takes, the bad jokes & even worse examples of human character you’re pumping out on the daily.  Thanks for telling me how much you all worship the Oilers & funneling a never-ending stream of reasons not to do any actual work throughout the week.  The Zupermensch have love for you all, which is weird considering I’ve taken more shits in Cabo today than hours spent with some of you in person. 

 

Gaunt, we’ll always be thinking of ya buddy.  Enjoy the view up there & laugh it up at all our disgusting behaviors & horrible GM moves.  We’re a cesspool of humanity.  Anywhere but this league is a better place so rest easy & send a little sugar down ole Mitch Please’s way.  I’d sure love to bookend the Anze chapter & welcome the Gaunt Cup into eternity.  The “Gaunt handshake.”  Gripping the cup for the 1^st time & touching Elysium. 

 

Life’s short boys.  Make it count today.  Zupermensch out.

    

Playoff Preview: Round One

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2

2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3

3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3

4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3

Good luck to everyone.

A Champion's Message, Long Overdue

As a result of multifactor authentication hell, forgotten past words, unrecognized devices, and generally fuckery on behalf of myself, we FINALLY have the Champions message to share. At least he got his Anze Cup somewhat timely.  Enjoy this bit of poetry from defending champion, Mitch Please's Ryan Zupan:

There are few key moments in a man’s life that he takes to his grave & savors with the final exhale… his first beer, first bang, first threesome, first tag team threesome, his first time out with Combo, first fish, first kill, first Swedish kill, first Asian kill, first kill in a hot tub on the field of an Edmonton Eskimos game (don’t cancel!), and at the top of the list, the first championships…

With some men the list of wins fills up an entire lifetime that’s relived & savored like a dripping piece of brisket on a Sunday smoke sesh.  With some men that final moment has enough wins to last for eternity.  Some call it heaven. 
 
For the 13 degen GMs who lay beneath Mitch Please, on their death beds they shall see this face when they scroll past 2021.  The face of a champion:

Winners fucken win, boys.

 

Seven years.  Seven goddamn years it took to draft & trade & waiver wire pickup my way out of the trash squad I inherited when I joined this league of shitbags.  Todd inherited Sidney Crosby.  I inherited Mikko Koivu.  Life ain’t fair but winners don’t care. 

 

14 GMs, one cup.  I like my cups Anze’d, hows about you? 

 

I actually felt bad so splurged & got you all one of your own:

It took a global pandemic to take last season’s championship run from me (and I will most certainly be etching 2020 onto this year’s cup, you can bet on that).  This season, not even the Fauci fiends themselves could stand in the way.  I’ll take my coronas.. WITH A LITTLE BIT A' LIME IN MY ANZE BABY.

 

Consider this, the Deutsch dangler Leon (the Professional) Draisatl & Meeeech Mahnah, franchise cornerstones, were picked up off the goddamn waiver wire.  Whaaaaat a bunch of idiots.  Jerry Seinfeld once said, ‘Adjacent to refuse is refuse.’  I am here today to tell you that I ate that éclair & lllllloved every minute of it.  The only refuse here IS the 13 GMs who will watch me guzzle pilsners from this beauty for the next lifetime. 

 

Shout out to the greasy cogs who keep this trash machine churning.  Except you, Court.  You suck.

 

This cup shall never runneth over (because I drink like a goddamn man & stay on top of that shit).

-Z

The Champion’s Message, Finally.

Every year, as is tradition, the champion of our league addresses all the losers. Our current champion, Hatrick Swayze’s Todd Toothill, did as much as that in April. However, I am have been tardy in posting it, because I don’t have time and have lost interest in this blog and league. So, without further adieu, here is Todd’s deep thoughts:

Sweet Victory indeed. Each and every one of you should be very proud of your accomplishment this year. You battled hard all year, and in the end, was a very successful season.

I’m of course talking to the players on the Championship roster of Hatrick Swayze, and not you loser GMs. You guys are terrible.

As I reflect on the year it was, the path to winning pretty much followed my path in life. That is, do the absolute least to get the absolute most. The definition of Value Based Success:

• Overtake the Chumps in the final week of the season for First place; Just enough.
• Nudge out the Silverchips in round 1 with an 8-6 victory, losing G,A,P,+/-,PPG,PPA; Just enough.
• Beat Anzepoolander on the final day of the semis 8-5, losing every goalie category except starts; Just enough.
• And in the finals, inching by on meaningless categories to secure victory 8-4;

Just enough.

Imagine if I put any time and effort into this thing at all, what we could accomplish? 9-3! 10-2! Sky’s the limit I say, but please GMs, continue doing what you’re doing as I much prefer to win in the style I’ve become accustomed to. And by the way, I know what you’re thinking. Thinking of calling me the “L” word. But you’re wrong, it’s not lazy, it’s selective participation.

As I was looking for inspiration in writing this Champion’s Message, I happened to take a gander at last year’s message. As I waded through the grammar inconsistencies and lack of parallel structure, I happened across this little nugget:

“*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning” 

The answer, Luke, is Under. The fastest GM victory in the history of Puck Yourself from start date (not including the first 4 years of the league of course). Suck on that, and for fuck sakes, can you please find yourself a good team name. How about this one:

And, as I make my way off the parade float, some parting shots to a few of my fellow Puck Yourself combatants:

ChingChongBingBong: Hey! Look at you! You made your first post season appearance in a decade (or more??)! Thanks to that stellar couple of weeks that Markstrom got you, you made it in. And if I recall correctly, that was a trade that you and I made. So while other GM’s (Luke) take advantage of the meek, your champion boosts them up. You’re welcome, Bert, for helping you achieve your goals. And you’re also welcome, rest of league, for creating parity.

Everett Silvertips: Thanks for all you do in running this great league. Kudos on a job…done.

Hellcunts: Jesus what happened to you. No really, what happened. You used to be fun. Now you’re just, done.

Philosopher Mcdavid Chumps: Somebody help this team find a name. Anybody. Can’t wait for the lunch. Where in Vancouver can you get Wagyu Steak again?

Anzepoolander: Ape.

All jokes aside, thanks for letting me be part of this league, it’s a ton of fun with awesome owners, and I look forward to doing next to nothing next year whilst sipping from the Anze Cup!!

Swayze out.

Great stuff.

JM

The Season Starts Now

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser.  The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality.  Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close.  Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner.  Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips.  Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot.  The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure.  They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league.  Sad.

Prediction:  Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4.  Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on.  None of that matters, wanna know why?  Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan.  If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose.  This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset.  Or is that the oil sands.  Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week.  I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously.  Nice President’s Trophy collapse).  I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist.  That would be justice.  Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw).  Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still.  The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing.  I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road.  I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one.  Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl.  Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls.  Except you Jody, welcome.  Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future.  For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year.  YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM.  Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place.   On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league.  As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick Team Dues Owed 1 Super Sperm (had 19 balls) $71.50 USD 2 2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls) $62.80 USD 3 Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls) $85.05 USD 4 Hellcunts (had 29 balls) $101.00 USD 5 Fresh Action (had 9 balls) $63.00 USD 6 Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls) $64.50 USD Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs. JM

Another Season in the Books

What an Anze Cup Final.  What started out looking like a boring blow out did a complete 180, and the Combo Classic Champs came roaring back to utterly dominate Anzoolander.  I don’t think i have ever witnessed such a disparity in fantasy hockey management skills.  The better team won.  More importantly, the better GM won.  Well done Luke.

And with that, here is the traditional letter from the Anze Cup Champion, Luke “Iambic pentameter is my spirit animal” Mackinnon:

At last . At long last.

I hear the beers just taste better when drinking from an Anze Cup. This is something that I am really, really, really, looking forward to. The other thing would be that moment when GM Poolander starts to boast about his cups, and how delicious the cold beer goes down in them … now I will sit smugly with my own pint and say “yes… yes indeed Poolander.” One of the best things this league has done is to allow Champions to keep their crowns.

When I came into this league, I thought to myself, ‘what a bunch of chumps – this should be easy… what could an Asian, a Texan, a couple of over the hill Americans, some arrogant rich kid, and an Ape, possibly know about fantasy hockey. A couple of years later and a couple of first place finishes but getting the boot in the playoffs, was becoming frustrating to say the least.* Not as easy as it might seem. What has made up for it is the witty banter and night time reading I get from the WhatsApp chat… that alone makes this pool worth being a part of. You are a good group of characters, and I love being in this hockey pool!

*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning 

via GIPHY

When I look back at this year’s draft, I begin to wonder how this was the year. I see what a disaster I made of the draft. Seriously disgusting. Most of my picks did not make the final roster, and I only had one trade all year long that I can remember. My keepers carried the weight, like they should, leading to being undefeated in the last 7 weeks of the year. My goalies went 13 wins in 15 games in the playoffs. I stole the PPP categories from my opponent’s grasp.

The only team worth the battle this year is the team I met in the finals, as it should be. Kudos to GM Cook and his Poolander squad. 3 GWG, 1 SHG, and 2 shutouts, all by day two is a heck of a way to start the week. My team knew what was on the line, and they were relentless every night in their comeback effort. Watching Mcdavid get 10 points in the week, and take over the NHL scoring race was something else to watch. Mcdavid for President. Combo Classic Champs for life.

GM Mackinnon out, and open for business. Who wants a champ on their team?

Great stuff Luke, enjoy those cold beers.

The Championships are here.

This is it, the Anze Cup finals.  The two teams in the finals are hardened warriors, going through the gauntlet to get here.  The teams knocked out in the playoffs, congratulations, your reward is zero praise, worse draft picks than if you missed the playoffs, and nobody will remember a damn thing about you.  Not dissimilar to your life.

As always, lets get started with a good championship week speech, probably what Jesse is giving his team right now:

Now lets go over to see what Luke is saying to his team:

And with that, lets look at the two teams in the finals:

Fat Ugly Version of Anze Kopitar aka Anzoolander:

The President’s trophy winner looks for his third title and has brought a cast of characters that are in pure veteran all-star mode.  With an average age of 35 (estimated) this team is looking to go out as a dynasty before imploding from old age.  In an unprecedented move, GM Jesse Cook is starting three d-men, going for volume versus stats.  Granted, this is the same person that basically failed Grade 12 math, so lets do a quick calculation based on the last 14 days’ stats.

0.51 average points x 4 games = 2.04 points

0.83 average points x 3 games = 2.49 points

Final answer  = Palmieri > Ekman-Larsson.

Hope it works out for you.  Also, who doesn’t want Luongo to win something?  Anything.  Love that guy, I am routing for you.

Henry McDavid Thoreau aka Cryrant aka Combo Classic Champs

Luke Mackinnon has finally made the Anze Cup finals, after being eliminated in the semifinals the past two years and losing in the Anze Cup finals three years ago.  This team is stacked, and should be considered the heavy favorite.  But lets look at a few numbers:

.885, .893, 882.

Martin Jones’ last three games.  Other than Ben Bishop, the biggest headcase among starting goalies in the NHL.  Coupled with the fact that the other goalie is a Russian, and Russians fold like over-payed primadonnas cheap suits, the goalie categories may be a cause for concern in the finals.  Granted, goalie categories are only 33% of the total scoring, but the more you have to lean on your offense to cover for your defense, that is always a risk.  But Cook is starting three D-men, so I am sure it is fine:

Prediction:

A repeat of the 2014 finals.  Last time they met this season, Anzoolander dominated and guess what?  Cryrant put up absolute dumpster fire stats in net, getting swept in the goalie categories.  Yet, Anzoolander rode the “elite” skills of Josh Bailey, who has the exceptional talent of once being line mates with John Tavares.  Bailey had 8 points that week, but has 5 in the last 12 games, which shows Garth Snow didn’t want to overpay him in the future, took him off Tavares’ line, and now he sucks.

So the last match isn’t really a proxy.  My prediction is that Bad Poets Society comes out firing on all cylinders and dominates.  The team is stacked and for this team to win it doesn’t need a lot to go right. Rather, to lose, it needs a lot of go wrong.  That is an enviable position to be in, and is definitely an advantage.  My final call is Sailing When They Should Be at Work wins 8-4-2 and a new Anze Cup Champion is born.

Best of luck gentlemen.

JM

A Message from Our Champion

Another season is in the books.  Thanks to all of you who actively participated this season.  And you too Dave. 

With that, here is a the message from our Champion, Mike Gaunt, GM of the powerhouse Kane & she was Abel.  As always, the message is only edited for spelling and grammar.  Without further adieu:

I have made America great again.

The Anze Cup returns to the land of the free and non-birthplace of Barrack Obama.

So let’s dig in here to how/why/no fuckin’ way did he just win the Anze cup. I wrote my winning post back in 2009 and still holds true to today. Some of you dipshits should read it (Bert Fong):

http://puckyourself.blogspot.com/2009/11/word-from-our-defending-champion.html 

I broke all the rules of common sense and was tabbed an idiot by Joe McGrath for not having any decent goalies. Goalie points are rigged to that it doesn't matter who plays goalie. Goalies are like running backs, dodo birds, and Dave Kitchen in this league. 16 total points each week 5 by goalies. You could play zero goalies in a week and still win 11-5. Only 8 goalies started 60 or more games this year out of 30 teams. Second stupid mistake that I do is having too many players on the same team. 3 Keepers from the Flyers, oh well.  The irony is that if you held a lineup of my players in front of me I couldn’t even pick them out. I think Jakub Voracek is the guy on the right since he is wearing a uniform.

Lastly thank you to all of you in the league. You make hockey fun for this guy and I hope to god Seattle gets a team some decade. Lastly as some of you may know, I’m a cancer survivor and unfortunately it has come back. So in mid-July when I’m done with my chemo I will drink my first beer in over 16 weeks out of the cup, I can’t FUCKING wait.

Fuck Cancer.

JM.

The Playoffs!

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs.  Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck.  Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it.  One trade for very little.  Hashtag rebuild.  By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons.  Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it).  My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied.  If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey.  Wild boar hunting season starts early this year.  Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau.  You the man.  The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in.  If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere.  So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off.  With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets): 

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats.  Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close.   I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well.  I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction:  Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday).  Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs.  Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs.  The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill.  For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad.  Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible.  This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run.  In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process.  The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball.  In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs.  Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through.  Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey.  Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.  

Power Rankings: Week 2

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better.  With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists:  Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon.  Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist.  Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life.  One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it.  Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing.  Make ‘Merca great again.  Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong.  If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor.  I hate him.  Mess hates him.  Everyone hates Luke.  

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV.  Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993.  It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management.  Business is fucked, & so are we.  Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one.  Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around.  But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012.  If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong.  Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings.  A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core. 

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you.  This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender.  This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week.  I love Pete.  Pete is the greatest. 

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend.  Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train.  Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel?  More like, lead this GM out behind the stable.  Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders.  The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers.  The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf.  Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly?  To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page.  The greatest:

 

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read.  We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another.  Stay in school kids.  Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance.  You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese.  They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they?  You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster.  He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school.  Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall…  his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender.  Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind.  Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask.  For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13.  Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot.  I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor. 

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy.  Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed.  Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion.  Just fucking kill me already. 

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it.  That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake.  But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about.  Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand.  I am just fucking brutal.   

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Champion’s Message

Another year is in the books, and for the second time in league history, we have a back-to-back champion.  Well done to Anzoolader on this impressive feat, and well done to Philsopher King’s for getting worse.

Without further adieu, I present the final message of the season from Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook, the Anze Cup Champion:

What is better than one Cup? Two Cups obv.

Three Ane Cup Finals in a row and back-to-back Anze Cup Championships has solidified Anzoolander as one of the elite Fantasy Hockey GM's of all-time.

Who would of thought with no picks until the 4th round and Carey Price on the IR the entire season that there was even a chance to make the playoffs, let alone win? Well, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook did because his team is full of winners, including NHL All-Star Game MVP John Scott.

The core of Kopitar, Benn, Toews, Stamkos and Price will remain intact, however, it was the emergence of young superstars in Kuznetsov, Gallagher, Gibson and Panarin that paved the way for yet another Anze Cup.

There were some fantastic first round match-ups this year with most going down to the wire. If Hatrick Swayze GM Todd Toohill wasn't a retard and had kept Kris "with a mothafucking K" Letang instead of David "I'm old and terrible at hockey" Backes he might have upset the great Anzoolander. But he didn't.  And got smoked.

The semi finals were also close where Luke "I spend all day thinking about fantasy hockey and not working" Mackinnon lost to his boss, Chris "I have 20 of the first 22 picks and still almost missed the playoffs" Thomas. You gotta let your boss win, especially when he has 489 guns because he's aTexan.

Loko ran out of steam as the powerhouse that is Anzoolander flexed its muscle when needed and rolled into the finals the heavy favorite in the brother-in-law finals. Loko does have a very very very good shot at winning the Stanley Cup bet this year though....that team is stacked and I heart John Carlson.

Stamkos decided to make things interesting by intentionally having a blood clot to even the playing field in the finals. So, the newly picked up Silfverberg needed to remain hot and The Bread Man needed to keep up an insane pace. The match started off with a big Tuesday for Anzoolander, however the Texans were still close throughout the week until Anzoolander decided to lay the smack down on Saturday night with a monster evening which secured most categories. Still, Ghost Bear made it really interesting with a PPG to start the night off on Sunday but it was too little too late....goodnight Irene.

If you didn't make the playoffs you aren't worth mentioning as you are literally terrible human beings.

Some quick thoughts on the Top 8:

- Jesse Loves Paymon - you should spend less time on all fours taking it from Paymon and more time finding one goalie that isn't terrible.

- Kane and She was Abel...Hellcats!

- Philoph....terrible fucking name

- Hatrick Swayze...no clue what he is doing...its as if Stevie Wonder is running this team

- Lokomotiv....Carlson for your next 10 first rounders. Book it.

- Hellcats - The King is dead and your keepers are marginal at best.

- Texans - your team is the best of the losers.

Finally, thank you to Stupid Court for running such a fabulous league and pretending you spend zero time watching games when we all know you are full of shit. Also, thanks for making hilarious trades for marginal keepers such as Claude Giroux who you feel is better suited somewhere else and in his place, some guy I don't even know but hear he plays D for the Avs. Nice job. You suck. Burn.

The Anze Cup will remain in the hands of Anzoolander once again and located on a shelf much too high for Pete to reach even if he wanted to try and steal it.

Have a good summer lads, see you next season, and....Hellcats!

For those who don’t check Whatsapp and use an random email for yahoo, the draft order for the 2016-17 season is as follows:

 

1.	Me So Vyborny
2.	Kanucks
3.	Connor McSaviors
4.	ChingChong BingBongs
5.	Everett Silvertips
6.	Super Sperm
7.	Pistol's Hellcats
8.	Jesse Loves Paymon
9.	Hatrick Swayze
10.	Philosopher King
11.	Kane & she was Abel
12.	Lokomotiv 2138
13.	Texans
14.	Anzoolander

Order was set using Draftlotto.com and the probabilities specified in the league charter.   You can view results here.

Also, be on the lookout for voting on league awards this season, but in the mean time, please take the time to vote on the following league items that could impact the upcoming season and next year’s draft lottery”

• Revisiting the four starting d-men roster change; after a couple of years, a vote on whether we want to keep it long term
• Changing the draft for teams that finished 3-8 from a mini lottery to a fixed order based on finish, not considering consolation round, and a tie breaker for team eliminated in the same round being the overall regular season records
• Replacing PIMs with hits, as PIMs are really punitive to a team and shouldn’t count as an offensive category.

We need at least 11 GMs to vote on each issue, with a simple majority winning.  In the event of a tie, no change occurs.  I made both of those rules up right now, Schauble.

Changes would be effective this up coming season and the 2017-18 season draft lottery.

Thank you all for your spirited participation.

JM

Technorati Tags: Road to Anze Cup,Champion's Message. Jesse Rules League Vote

Power Rankings - Week 14

It is now 2016....hip hip whore-your're gay (Steve). It is only fitting that the 2015 Anze Cup Champion (Anzoolander) along with the only person who he has zero comebacks against (Texans) will write the first co-Power Rankings after the Holiday Season. With only a couple months before playoffs, we will look to review and predict with 100% accuracy the recent transactions that have took place as well as point and laugh at Court for being so absolutely terrible at Fantasy Hockey.

Finally, a shout out to my other brother (who the fuck is Anze Kopitar) for a solid 10 year, 80 million dollar contract. God is he good looking. Like an Adonis.

1) Anzoolander (1) -

Ranked no.1 is the tired new dad AnzePoooolander. Fortunately for this GM, every team he plays, the opposing goalies coward to his highly talented offence. His goalie stats are atrocious being bottom 6 in 4 of 5 statistical categories. Counteracting this goalie debacle is an offensive juggernaut that is top 4 in 7 of 11 offensive categories. Look out when Price returns as this team could look to repeat as the Anze Cup Champion. He will likely screw it up this year having to focus more of his time on his daughters pooh than hockey!

2) Texans (2) -

This team is overall one of the strongest top to bottom rosters of any in GPY, which is sad as this GM still has no clue what hockey is even though he lives in Canada. Everyone knows the Canucks lost a legit stud in Schneider, but Double D is proving to be a solid #2 tender for this squad. Johnny Hockey is the real deal, but he is so small he'll probably die soon so that won't be good. It is good to see the Texans decided to bench Kris with at K "Keeper Obv" Letang this week and that is already paying dividends with 2 apples on Monday. These terrible moves will make it next to impossible for this group of non-stars who collectively aren't a bad squad to make it to the top and claim the greatest trophy in sports. However, with yet another win against a big time opponent last week (Don't you know I'm Loko) this team could surprise everyone (including the GM) come playoff time. But probably not.

3) Lokomotiv 2138 (3) -

This team is older than Paymon's ball sack. If they don't die from old age or break their hips before the playoffs then this team can be pretty good. Not Great, see last weeks shit kicking by the second ranked team. The massive trade in the off season giving up Connor McDavid is paying huge in the short term. Time will tell how that pays off. Looking good so far.

4) Philosopher Kings (4) -

This is a very generous ranking after a terrible win against a bottom feeder last week. The Kings goalies are solid but 18 points is simply an offensive offense. 5 goals in 81 shots is on par with the % of chicks its GM picks up at a Las Vegas Night Club. This is not good considering every single female in Las Vegas is there to bang. All of them. God I love Vegas. While Connor McPussy will be back sometime soon, it might not add enough offense to take this team to the promised land. However, rest assured this GM will be looking to wheel and deal to make this squad better and in our opinion is ranked #1 in this category.

5) Kane and She was Abel (6) -

This team baffles me as to how he is ranked so high, then I scroll down the list of bad players and see Patrick Kane. He is worth at least 3 normal players on his own. His lackluster team can make up the rest of the point differential by being mediocre. In saying that, this team only has 4 players over 30 points this season and one is 20 cent Kane. With only 1 starter in net, this team is sure to fall.

6) Hatrick Swayze (5) -

Beating up on terrible teams in recent weeks has Hatrick Swayze's GM Todd Toothill overly confident for all the wrong reasons. This squad is one goalie deep, and unless Crosby has 10pts a week this lackluster squad has all the makings of a first round exit if they make the playoffs. This GM sees his team like a Victoria Secret Model when in fact it looks more like a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey like the ones he used to take down in the bathroom at Bimini's. To his defense these bangs were all consensual as the women were all sober thanks to round after round of milk & grenadine shots. Brilliant move, golf clap. I digress....this team is in shambles, just like Chubbs Peterson's hand, and his favorite Giants player Jason Pierre-Paul.

7) Jesse Loves Paymon (8) -

This team has given up on this season and may still make the playoffs. That says a ton about the teams ranked below this team. This GM's only hope of winning the Anze Cup again is to have more kids. Every time he has a kid, he pays less attention to his team thus making his team infinitely better. Way to be a great dad. I commend you for that. Go Portugal!

8) Super Sperm (10) -

The fact that this team isn't ranked 15th after losing to the lowly ChingChong BingBong's might have everyone scratching their heads, however, with Ovi this team can still squeak into the playoffs. It really is a one man show as both goalies are terrible, C's are awful, LW's and dreadful, D is embarrassing and don't get me started about the bench. It would be prudent for Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble to get off his ass, stop watching re-runs of Blind Date and make a move or two. A good start would be Michael Stone to Everett Silvertips for Tyler Seguin as this will somehow make mathematical sense to Court Watson...lol...what a terrible fucking fantasy GM!!!

9) Me So Vyborny (9) -

This team is bottom 6 in 8 of 11 statistical categories for his offence and bottom 3 in 3 of 5 goalie stats. Just Terrible. The recent trade will help a bit but not enough to make the playoffs. Better make some more trades. 10 should do the trick.

10) ChingChong BingBongs (13) -

This is a huge jump for ChingChong BingBong's GM Bert Fong after a solid thrashing of Super Sperm last week. This ranking is also due to the terrible display of GM'ing by Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson after the (horrible) trade heard around the world. I asked Bert Fong if he had any insight on this trade and he replied "I spoke to Me So Vyborny GM Matt 'Daniel' and he said he accidentally sent Court the trade with just Barrie and a pick but forgot to add Phil Kessel. He knew Court would auto-delete the deal and would simply re-send, but to his amazement Court accepted the deal which was fucking hilarious and Matt celebrated with hookers and blow all weekend!" Moving along, Bert's worst enemy is himself and this was once again on display by trading away a 4th pick and some bum for Colton Parayko (who???) who is awful and only has marginal points due to early injuries on the STL blue-line. Ruckiry for Bert, Hornqvist and Lack are lighting it the fuck up this season which makes the Eichel trade for him that much sweeter. Just kidding. You suck Bert.

11) Everett Silvertips (7)

No words.

12) Kanucks (12) -

When you have Brian "The Wall" Elliott you are a really really really bad franchise. Unless you play Anzoolander in which case he plays outside his mind which is a foreshadow to this weeks matchup where the Kanucks will somehow win. All the while Kanucks GM will not be spending time watching the match, rather, watching people who aren't good at sports wear hilarious clothes running around like Orangutang's. Business is good though, and for that I give GM Dave Kitchen much respect. His team on the other hand I have no respect for...an utter embarrassment to such a rich and historic league. Get your shit together.

13) Connor McSaviors (11) -

I am trying to find a positive about this team. 10 beers in and got it, this team has a couple of young decent players. That's it. Better luck next year. I raise another beer in your epic failure!

14) Pistol's Hellcats (14) -

It was funny at first to have Pistol's Hellcats GM Pete Shpak ranked #14 due to the fact his team picture did not represent his team name. In a very short time his team has tanked so far that it now deserves the cellar dweller blow job tag, especially after tying the Kanucks last week with 14 total points. Yes, Holtby should and will win the Vezina. Yes, Lundqvist is uncomfortably good looking. But no, these are not enough to carry such a bad team that not only Justin Williams IS on your team, but is carrying your offense. If you see a child throwing a tantrum at the Main and Terminal McDonald's this week, it is probably an under 6 foot Pistol Pete losing it in the bouncy castle as he tries to figure out how to right this sinking ship.

The End