Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!

Remembering the Bizarrohawks

In what is hopefully a new tradition, today’s featured post is a eulogy of sorts for a team recently eliminated from the Anze Cup finals.  The eulogy is written by Dave Dugan, GM of Crosby’s Concussions and a close friend and confidant of Bizarrohawks GM Scott Freeland.  And now, I present Dave. 

Surprise!!!  Another year and another non-championship team in Cleveland.  Did anyone really think a team in Cleveland could win anything that is sports related? The Bizarrohawks looked like an early season favorite, but thanks to the managing skills of Scott “Ninja “Freeland they limped into the playoffs losing 4 of the last 5 weeks with a record of 23 – 42.

For those of you who do not know, my involvement in this league is because of Scott.  I remember years ago before my first draft, Scott making me sit on his lap (I was uncomfortable and he was hard) and giving me some sage advice “goaltending is the most important thing in this league”.  Too bad he didn’t take his own advice; his goalie stats were some of the worst in the league and last week he lost by 6 points, 4 of which were Goalie Stats.  Who would have though Jacob Markstrom would let the team down?

Much like their GM the Bizarrohawks are a blah team that is there 1 minute and just absolutely gone the next.  Literally, you turn around and they’re gone, and you’re left walking home from the bar only to see them reappear in a courtyard making out with a 50 year old.  It would be just like this team is drunk walking around Old Vegas and next thing you know they’re not there anymore, only to reappear at a craps table in an All-Asian casino surrounded by a gaggle of Bert Fongs cheering on “white boy #1” and his legendary heater.

This eulogy as the ultimate tribute to Ninja Freeland will just……..

Well said.

Welcome to the Anze Cup Finals

This is what everyone worked for, but only two teams have a chance of obtaining.

I can only imagine that for both, the emotions are similar to this:

There is no better sport for commercials about the playoffs. None.

Fuck, are NHL playoff commercials the best or what?

Don’t know if anyone was watching, but with 42 seconds left in the last game of the week, Super Sperm needed either a GWG that was also a PPG or the team’s +/- to increase by 2, or else they were out.  And sure enough, Mike Richards to Jeff Carter at even strengh in overtime provided that boost, and into the finals Super Sperm goes.  Lets take a look at the final matchup

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Super Sperm

Between these two teams you have the last three President’s Trophy winners and the top overall scoring team versus the top goal scoring team in the league this season.  In what looks to be a shoot out, this matchup will come down to three key facets:

1. Goaltending – Both teams have struggled to show consistent goaltending, though as of late the Everett Silvertips have consistently been one of the best teams in the league.  GM Ryan Schauble, in what can only be another demonstration of his GM prowess (or lack thereof), failed to make any significant moves to improve his goaltending before the trade deadline, and it almost cost him in the semifinals.  Their numbers last week were embarrassing.

2.  Power play points – Although Everett Silvertips outscored Super Sperm 353 to 328 in total points, the ‘Tips lack in points with the man advantage.  28.3% of the ‘Tips points came on with the man advantage, while Super Sperm saw 37.2%.  In a tight matchup, those two extra scoring categories could be the difference maker.

3.  Terrorists – Those two fucktards in Boston almost cost the Everett Silvertips this past week as a result of the Bruins’ games being postponed, but that could end up being a benefit this week, as the Bruins extend their season one extra day.  That could be one extra goalie start, and the ‘Tips have 34 offensive starts to Super Sperm’s 31 in the final week.

In the end, I am going to make a John Madden like prediction and say that the team that scores the most points usually wins.  Given the hot streak of Super Sperm as of late, I think they are going to take the Anze Cup for the first time.  Super Sperm over Everett Silvertips, 8-5-3.

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Cook has changed jobs and become a Real Estate Agent.  This will probably mean an increased focus on fantasy hockey, now that he has the same amount of free time as a teacher, or Pete Shpak, which is to say that it is a lot.

2.  Speaking of which, with all that free time, why is Pete Shpak so bad at fantasy hockey?

3.  If Super Sperm wins, GM Ryan Schauble should probably award Adam Oates the MVP trophy.

4.  Pekka Rinne looked like sausage pasta this past week. 

5.  Brian Elliot, aka “The Wall” finally hit one of his own.  Thank god.  If Bert won, I would flip the table and exit the room.  Bert was 42 seconds from the Anze Cup finals, and if that had happened, it would have been all but a lock.

6.  Cole Ballard, in the true spirit of anyone who has just been eliminated from the playoffs, went golfing this week in Phoenix.  Lucky.

7.  It will be interesting to see if the shitty teams stay silent during the offseason trade period; in speaking with a lot of the GMs, they have this notion they can rebuild using the draft.  This must be based on the fact that in theory that 1) the best 84 players are already held by the teams in the league and 2) their past track record indicates great drafting.  Yeah, that is why they suck.

8.  I do know there will be some absolute gems in the draft next season, but I think the teams at the bottom won’t know who they are.

9.  Remember when GM Steve McIntyre said he had a really good team at the start of the year.  About that….

10.  I need nominees for the Andy Kordyban, Jack Adams and Eugene Adams awards this year.  Please leave any potential nominees in the comments below.  Again, I stress nominees, not winners.  One year, I posted nominees for the Jack Adams, and Steve McIntyre flipped shit over one of the nominees like they were the winner.  I guess that makes sense, when your entire life you only walk accidentally ass backwards into any victory in your life, and don’t understand what winning actually is.

11.  The Masters.  If only it was every week.

12.  The four teams in the semifinals all had weak goaltending, which may indicate that goaltending doesn’t matter, but when you look closer, 3 of the 4 had winning records in almost all goaltending categories throughout the season.  Goaltending matters.  Significantly.

13.  Of course, that means GM Steve McIntyre recently pondered aloud if he would be keeping any of his goalies.

14.  To which, GM Court Watson pondered aloud if there is any player on Steve’s team who is worth keeping at all.

15.  I just found out the NBA playoffs have already started.  What a bad sport.  So boring.

16.  Rumor has it a jersey was delivered to Matt Duchene this past week.  That jersey was a Gabriel Landeskog jersey, and was at the request of Court Watson.  One can only guess what it might come back saying.

17.  Court hopes that it comes back this week, for some good ju-ju.

18.  I wish I still received drunken voicemails about the league.  Like this one:

19.  I debated making a coffee table book of the best of this blog, but then I realized it could never top Cosmo Kramer’s book.

20.  In all seriousness, it is amazing that Sean Stock has been able to repair the damage done by Ryan Schauble and take Super Sperm to the finals.

New Season Starts Now

Happy playoffs everyone!  What an exciting week, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game, the Masters, and our playoffs.  I couldn’t be more excited.  Man, there were some shitty teams this year, but they are no longer involved, and good riddance.  The bulk of those teams will probably be golfing this time next year as well.  Here are my usually highly accurate to the point they are almost Nostradamus like predictions for the quarterfinals.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Not Poodle!!!

After missing the playoffs last year, Not Poodle takes on the back to back President’s Trophy winner.  A big week got Not Poodle into the playoffs,  but keeping a concussed Patrice Bergeron in the starting lineup puts this team at a disadvantage.  The Everett Silvertips first in points but with suspect goaltending and battling injuries to key players.  The curse of the President’s Trophy may rear its ugly head this week, and an eight seed will move on.

Prediction:  Not Poodle squeaks out a win, 8-6-2.

2. Captain Chinese vs. 7. Anzoolander

Two words:  The Wall.  This matchup was over before it started.  I would be absolutely shocked if Brian Elliot lets in a single goal, and expect him to lead Captain Chinese in wins, shutouts, game winning goals, power play goals, etc.

Prediction:  Brian Elliot is nominated for the role of God, Captain Chinese wins 10-4-2.

3.  Flowers in the Cage vs. 6.  Bizzarohawks

Bizzarohawks started the season off on fire, but has cooled down substantially.  But, they are playing the team of misfit goalies;  For some reason, GM Cole Ballard dropped arguably his best goalie with a season record of 14-1.   Arguably the dumbest move of the year, I hope David Legwand is the missing link you hope he is (he isn’t).

Prediction:  Craig Anderson is still rusty, and Bizzarohawks move on to next week when Kovalchuk returns to action, winning 9-5-2.

4.  Kanucks vs. 5.  Super Sperm

I am already laughing at the shit-kicking this is going to be.   Fuck is this going to be funny.  Hottest team in the league looks like they aren’t slowing down, and the Kanucks suck.

Prediction:  Super Sperm wins 14-0-2.

Two thoughts:

1.  GM Steve McIntyre says he likes where his team is going into next year.  First person I have met who openly admits to liking being horrible and finishing last every year.

2.  To the rest of you, you embarrass me.  Yuck.

Power Rankings: Week 22

We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner.  You suck.  Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video).  Actually, maybe your team is worse.

1. Kanucks (2)

2. Super Sperm (3)

3. Bizzarohawks (1)

4. Captain Chinese (8)

5. Anzoolander (7)

6. Everett Silvertips (4)

7. Not Poodle!!! (10)

8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

9. Texans (9)

10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

14. Me So Vyborny (14)

Some thoughts:

1.  Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week.  The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins.  I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.

2.  Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.

3.  Like redhead muff stank.

4.  Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season.  Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?

5.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:

6.  Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:

7.  Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.

8.  This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy.  GM Court Watson is not happy about this.  Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.

9.  Except the Everett Silvertips last year.  Court is feeling a bit better now.

10.  Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.

11.  Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson

12.  The lowest seed to ever win?  The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.

13.  True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey.  In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove.  That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old.  Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001.  The person on that ID?  Phineas Page.  Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with?  Phineas Page.  Coincidence?  Yes.  Fantasy Hockey implications?  Absolutely.

14.  If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun.  WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league?  Watch baseball?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

15.  If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.

16.  After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.

17.  Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP.  Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.

18.  Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.

19.  For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.

20.  Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.

21.  Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page.  Halak and Elliot are both terrible.  Madness.

22.  With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup.  I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right.  We are in for a perfect storm.

23.  Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup.  Unfucking berievabre.

24.  A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years.  I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects.  I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome.  Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.

25.  There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.

26.  Like last year, it probably won’t.  The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.

27.  Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists.  He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters.  The team is imploding at the wrong time.  Craig Anderson really needs to come back.

28.  I still believe Cole, I still believe.

29.  The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.

30.   Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.