The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.

Playoffs!

Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work.  I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire.  The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.

That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.

First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck.  Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing.  To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management.  You suck.  Bad.  Hashtag awful.

Now lets move onto the matchups.  If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.

1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself.  The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses.  Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.”   Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him.  Also, Cam Ward sucks.  Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks.  The numbers don’t’ lie.  Wives do.

Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.

2.  Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off.  Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster.  Well played, idiot.  When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose.  If you don’t lose, you should still lose.  Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them.  So, each team has handicapped itself for this week.  Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive.  I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.

Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes.  I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats.  The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game.  Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers.  Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals.  So just idiots.

Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory.  Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.

4.  Anzoolander vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):

“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”

It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22.  Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:

“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”

This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get.  On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time.  Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well?  Are you ignorant?).  This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.

Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.

Good luck to all, and lick my balls.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 6

Hello all!  I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season.  My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.

Lets get right to it.  As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team.  Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll!  Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!

2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.

3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.

4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.

Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.

5.  Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department.  Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason.  And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do.  As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….

6.  Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body!  There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate).  My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season.  Write that down.

7.  Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories.  Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts.  Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S”  You suck Court.

8.  Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring.  Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.

9.  The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone?  When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.

10.  Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying.  I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before.  Okay, I lied.  I haven’t.

11.  Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason.  Idiot.

12.  Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off.  When your first born is in high school, but still.

13.  Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off.  GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).

14.  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it.  Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression.  Case in point:  Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton.  At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild.  Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.