Managed to get the Duke in the broadcast today, and had him agree to an ongoing spot. Pretty big news, he typically does leave his parents’ house…where he lives.
It can only get better.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
In Studio
Just finished filming my first show. The potential could be astounding….
A Big Thank You
Just wanted to thank all of my readers (I think there are 6). Because of you clicking on ads or utilizing the search bar within this blog, I have made a cool $1.45. Retirement, here I come.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 9
It’s been a while since we last saw power rankings. Mainly, this is because there are a lot of teams and this is annoying to do. Also, early to middle of the season just isn’t that exciting; the newness has died down, teams are starting to show their true colors, and the playoff race hasn’t begun to heat up yet. The funny thing is though, right about this time is when the teams just riding hot starters start to fizzle out, and the teams that made solid draft picks but started slow are starting to comeback. Also, aww fuck it, I am talking out of my ass right now, lets get to the power rankings.
1. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (previous: 1) – Took on the best team in the Wales Conference and looked good, despite the slowdown in production from the team stud, Anze Kopitar, subsequent to Ryan Smyth hitting the IR. Look for this team to pick it up offensively, as Smyth can’t be out much longer.
2. People Know Me (8) – If this team had anything in net, they would be dominating the league. Instead, they don’t. And they aren’t. One thing to note is that this team for the most part has avoided the injury bug, something that has decimated other teams in the league. Once other teams get healthy, this team might not be as intimidating as it is right now.
3. Fun While It Lasted (2) – Who would have thought that when the Atlanta Thrashers didn’t play well, this team’s offense went into the pooper. Oh wait, it was me. Goalies hold this team together. In fact, combine this team with the team above and you have a great fantasy team. But they aren’t. And you don’t.
4. Suck It Trebek (3) - This team actually had a pretty good week, and just got caught by a team that was really hot in fringe categories. +/- is a concern for team, as well as aging goaltenders, but the crafty veteran card should hold them up for at least a little while.
5. Bizzarohawks (7)
6. Texans (6) – Solid effort this past week. I am scared to death of this team’s goalies (by that I mean I wouldn’t want them on my roster), but they seem to be doing the job. If only the NHL teams in front of them would help out.
7. Amish Rake Fighters (9) – 4 guys on the IR, talk about a team decimated by injuries. Yet, this team still prevailed this past week mainly because of Kiprusoff being awesome. Offense is a concern, players will need to pick it up, or this team’s two best players need to come off of IR.
8. Malkin In the Middle (10) – At the start of the week, I would have said that this team has as good of a chance of beating Suck It Trebek as the Oakland Raiders do against the Pittsburgh Steelers. At the end of the week, I guess this is still true.
9. Dave‘Killer’Carlson (5) – Lost to one of the bottom feeders of this league the past week. Crosby out with a penis injury at the end of the week hurt, since he was 30% of the entire teams offense. Having a hat trick on the bench in Matt Moulson didn’t help either, but I don’t see any big weaknesses in this team.
10. Kanucks (4) – With the exception of shooting percentage, nothing this team did this past week was notable. GM Dave Kitchen is trying to revamp his team, but is having a tough time recovering from his draft.
11. Montreal Wanderers (14) – Has quietly moved up 4 and 6 spots in the total goals and assists categories respectively in the past 3 weeks. Oddly, this team is in the top 5 of all goalie categories but has yet to post a shutout, the only team in the league without one. With a near healthy roster, it will be interesting to see what this team can do in the next few weeks, but as of right now, it is a miracle if they make the playoffs.
12. $0.20 Kane (12) – This team won this past week, but would have lost against almost any other team in the league. The trade for Luongo is starting to pay dividends, but nothing else on the team looks good. This team needs some active management. GM Steve McIntyre is active at nothing.
13. Swedish Old Balls (13) – I can’t think of one reason I like this team.
14. Andre Poodle Lussier (11) – Ovechkin being out hurts this team. It misses him like the desert misses the rain, like peanut butter misses jelly, like Jesse misses Paymon’s swass salt.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Worst Moves
In light of the Chicago Blackhawks wheeling and dealing to sign three very good players to build a franchise around (though, what kind of franchise you can build with how little money they have left is a contentious debate), I figured it was time to look at the moves made up to this point in the Puck You fantasy league. Specifically, the shitty moves. The task was simple. Each GM would submit, in order, their top (or bottom?) three worst moves of the year. Each selection would get points based on their rating, (3 for being the 1st pick, 2 for the second pick and 1 for a third pick), and the results are compiled here. Thanks to the 8 managers that responded to the pole and a big go fuck yourself to the rest. Without further adieu, I present the top 3 moves considered to be the worst…
3. People Know Me drops Jimmy Howard right before he becomes a stud – Since being dropped by People Know Me, Jimmy has won 8 games on 12 starts, boasted a 2.40 GAA and a .914 save percentage. Luckily, GM Jesse Cook has filled the gaping void left by Paymon’s cock in his ass Jimmy with the phenom know as Brian Elliot, who sports a 3.09 GAA. 2 wins on 7 starts and a .891 save percentage. Moves like this are good for the entire league, save People Know Me.
2. Kanucks drafting Pavel Datsyuk over Sidney Crosby - Even with Sidney sitting out because his penis is sore from banging all the lovely ladies of Steel town, when you have the chance to take potentially the GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME vs. anyone a very, very good Russian, you draft him. Even worse, Kanucks later dealt Datsyuk for Joe Pavelski and Devon Setoguchi. Is there anyone out there that would take those two butt pirates and give up Crosby? Bert doesn’t count.
1. Drafting Jimmy Howard in the first round – We all saw it, we all dropped our jaws in shock, and we all pointed and laughed. As GM Steve McIntyre observed, “that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. How he can make fun of me for not knowing how to use a computer after that stunt is beyond me. Jesse is a joke, or an idiot, or both. Yeah, he is a joke idiot.” Goalie management is the only reason this team isn’t in first by a country mile (and is also the only reason Cole Ballard’s team is currently in first…goalies do matter a lot) and while People Know Me has taken advantage of the Kanucks dropping the starting goalie for Anaheim and keeping the backup in Boston, it may not be enough, since the rest of his goalies suck the balls.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A Word From Our Defending Champion
Some of you thought he was a robot or a supercomputer, because he does nothing all year…nope, he is real, and he has submitted a guest blog for us to enjoy.
A recent Puck You! blog asked this question, “What does it take to win a fantasy hockey league?”
To answer this, let us start at the beginning. A log in ID to yahoo and a password is a great start. I know this may be stating the obvious, but from the idiotic moves I have seen in this league by some of the particpants (GM Jesse Cook claims that Jimmy Howard was drafted 9TH OVERALL on accident), it must be stated and probably has been done for some of our friends from the 
All in all, probably the best bet for most of our league’s hockey savants is to just leave their teams alone except when someone gets hurt. All of you think you are an expert, but you are not. Watching hockey has nothing to do with doing well at Fantasy Hockey. Fantasy sports were designed by nerds (why doesn’t Bert Fong win every year then?). It requires some analytical math skills and a presence of mind to look at what is coming. No, not Semin, but schedules, number of games played, and head to head matchups. By changing or trading your team every week you are trying to time the market. None of you are Jim Cramer, but you do look like him….“LOSERS”.
Lastly, it helps to be an American. We have no civic pride or tradition related to hockey. We do not get emotionally or physically attached to this sport. The one exception is GM Cole Ballard who does and loses every year. (Hint: he will trade his entire team for Ovechkin and the Semen guy). He loves to think about getting Semin on his face team.
Who knew the Borg could be so eloquent.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Listen Up Grasshoppers
Today with have a special guest post from one of our GMs. Today is a good day.
What does it take to win a fantasy hockey league?
It takes time, dedication, and a willingness to commit yourself to everything hockey. You need to read a blog or two weekly so that you can keep track of who is hot, cold, and injured. You need the rest of the people in your league to know substantially less than yourself to make a trade go through and if it does go through in our league you may want to ask yourself, am I smarter than the other person? Or did I just get screwed? If you want to know what kind of dedication is required to win ask Montreal Wanderers GM Court Watson; He is your 2005, 2006, and 2007 champion and your 2008 runner-up. Court Watson may be dead last in the standings after six weeks but don’t count him out as he works harder than anyone at this and here is proof.
Where were you November 6th, 2009 at 4:12am? L
Keep up the good work Court and I am looking forward to your inevitable rise to the top!
Ninja (Turd Ferguson GM Scott Freeland)
Roster Updates
Marian Hossa is returning shortly, and will be on a line with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews (forever referred to as the the TKHo line). Alexander Ovechkin is back, and looks like he hasn't missed a beat, same with Evgeni Malkin and Sheldon Souray. David Krejci is back from the flu, and Boston still sucks. Alexander Semin went on IR like a ninja from too much furious masturbation a sore wrist. Rumors are Chicago's contracts with the big three (Kane, Toews and Duncan Keith) are all but finalized, with salary points still in negotiations with Kane. At the root of a heated discussion; Chicago offered Kane $4,999,999.80 and Kane wanted $5M...apparently he wasn't laughing.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 6
As the league gets further along and the bottom feeding teams drop even further, I am hoping that some of you will submit guest posts to this blog. I will give you the title and all I ask if for a response….”Why I hate my fantasy hockey team.” With that, here are this week’s power rankings.
1. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (previous: 3) – Anze Kopitar continues to look good, Ryan Getzlaf, Cristobal Huet and Carey Price have all stepped it up. All this team really needs is some solid d-men. This team is looking strong.
2. In Over My Head (2) – Eeked out a win against the worst team in the league this week. What does GM Cole Ballard do to fix the issues? Adds another Atlanta Thrasher. For those of you keeping score, that is 4 players from one team on the starting roster. Works when they play well, leads to decimation when they get shut out. The active offensive roster on this team is almost comical, with representation of only 6 of the 30 teams in the NHL.
3. Suck It Trebek (6) – Another steamrolling week to take the top spot in the Prince of Wales conference. This team will have its hands full this week against the underrated Texans, and the result will show if this team is more than smoke and mirrors.
4. Kanucks (5) – Solid performance this week. Can’t really say what will happen this coming week; only 4 players remain on the starting roster. Some concern over whether one of the goalies on this team; Jean-Sebastien Giguere has lost his starting job and isn’t interested in being a backup. Giguere pointed a finger almost solely to the time wasted in his new training fad regime, fashionably called Crossfit. As Giguere put it, “it was a complete waste of fucking time.”
5. Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – The Borg lost a week, there is hope yet.
6. Texans (4) – Quietly hanging around like they have alligator blood in their veins. Goalies have stepped it up, now the rest of the team has to as the 4 Canucks on this squad only play twice this week.
7. Turd Ferguson (7)
8. People Know Me (12) – Clearly this team is a fluke, as discussed in a previous post, but GM Jesse Cook has managed to stay out of his own way this season to date, lets see how long that lasts.
9. Amish Rake Fighters (9) – Roster management makes this team a contender, shameless self promotion and excessive use of hash tags on twitter does not.
10. Malkin in the Middle (8) - “Hoodey...hoodey...hoodey tink gonna beat dem Bengals?”
11. Andre Poodle Lussier (11) – Eeked out a win against arguably the worst team in the league. This means they are only slightly better than arguably the worst team in the league, which means this team is now included in the argument for the worst team in the league.
12. $0.20 Kane (10) – I wanted to reach out to you as a concerned friend: the phone number for the battered women’s shelter is 604-875-4924. Give them a call, after last week you may need some help.
13. Swedish Old Balls (13) – From People Know Me’s GM Jesse Cook. “Two words Bert….YOU SUCK.”
14. Montreal Wanderers (14) – Nothing is going right for this team, 2nd in the league in total points this past week and still got waxed. No real hope in sight. GM Court Watson has turned to the bottle as a source of relief and has begun making trade offers that other GMs have said “looks fair, which means I am getting screwed somehow.” Unfortunately, this team is so bad and desperate that the trade offers actually are fair. How the mighty have fallen.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
House Special: OverCooked Roster
Slash to the top of the helmet of Red McIntyre for the initial observation
Six weeks into the season, something we may never, ever see again has occurred. YTD, one team has 9 offensive players ranked in the top 78, and 10 ranked in the top 105. This is unheard of, and of course this team has a comfy lead sitting atop the standi..wait, what? 8th?!?!
People Know Me has a dynamite team this year, which we know from the debacle during the first round of the draft where GM Jesse Cook drafted Jimmy Howard, has zero to do with Cook’s drafting skills. Clearly, it has to be complete, dumb, blind luck. But what about his standings in the league? Is that luck? A quick analysis, which involves pulling my thumb out of my ass, licking it and holding it up to the screen (known in the statistical analysis community as “Cooking the books”), gives me a 95% confidence level that there is no luck involved. With a r-squared of 0.98, I can confidently conclude that the reason People Know Me sits in 8th has to do with the idiocy team mismanagement of GM Jesse Cook. Lets take a look at 5 possible reasons for his poor mismanagement, with input from various GMs from the league contributing thoughts (anonymous, of course).
1) He consults with Paymon on roster changes, but often times mishears him because Paymon’s cock is on one of his ears, and a tube of toothpaste is in the other. “Very, very plausible. Most likely true,” says one GM, named Ryan Schauble. “He may even consult on roster changes with Paymon as well…oh, I thought you were just asking me about the cock in ear thing.” Indeed.
2) He is fighting with his lover Paymon, which is why he has been distracted in the league. “Nah, the fighting just make the sex better,” says $0.20 Kane GM Red McIntyre. “What Jesse really likes is when Paymon brings a friend and they both try to wrestle him, one gets his upper body, one gets his legs, and the whole time his pet gerbil Hansel is in his ass.” Wow, TMI.
3) He is dumb. Montreal Wanderers GM Court Watson: “Yup”
4) He has trouble using a mouse and keyboard. “That big, dumb white, fuck says he has the best hands in Richmond, but they are such gorilla hands he has no touch on a computer at all, what a buffoon.” Old Swedish Balls GM Bert Fong
5) He is a cock-blocker. “Heck yeah he is.” This response was actually unanimous, coming from all GMs.
So there you have it, I don’t know about you, but after this analysis I walked away getting a pretty good understanding of why Cook sucks.
UPDATE: After reading this post, GM Steve McIntyre pointed out that Jesse’s goalies suck even worse than he does. This further supports the notion that Cook is an idiot; anyone with that many players ranked that highly who has been able to translate them into zero trades for better goaltending clearly doesn’t know what he is doing. Even Bert Fong has made a trade this year.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 5
Scary moment this week. Nope, it wasn’t the laceration Cam Ward received, it was when Paymon almost didn’t get it up for pulverizing Cook. Luckily, Jesse relied on his gay porn fluffing skills and the night ended fantastically for him. When you take a look at the standings, with the exception of two teams, everyone is lumped together in the standings. However, rarely do the standings actually reflect how good or bad a team actually is.
1. Dave’Killer’Carlson (Previous: 4) – Want to know how to excel in this league? Autodraft, rank goalies high, and pick up 1 player who is on fire. 60% of the time it works every time.
2. In Over My Head (2) – Jarome Iginla was drafted on accident when his system disconnected, he will potentially have 3 Toronto Maple Leafs and 3 Atlanta Thrashers starting…no way does this team take the 1 or 2 seed this year unless there are big changes. It defies logic. It can’t happen, it just can’t.
3. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – My mild case of turrets comes out every time I look at this team. I keep screaming “ANZE FUCKING KOPITAR?!?!?” Played down two because of injuries this past week. Odds are, he will forgot to move those guys out of his roster until tomorrow, which means he will be short again this week. Unlikely to be manager of the year any time this millennia.
4. Texans (5) - Elias is back, Backstrom hasn’t had any drop off since the Ovechkin injury, and the Canucks are playing pretty decent. As long as the goaltenders can stay decent, this team can compete with anyone.
5. Kanucks (3) – To be honest, I am not exactly sure who is on this team right now, as a lot of trades by manager Dave Kitchen went through. In the surface, I think I like them, which could be a bad omen, cause I don’t know what I am doing anymore. On a side note, Dave is participating in Movember this year, growing a mustache to raise awareness for prostate cancer. Highly worthy cause, and you can support him here. If there is one thing funny about professional male sports, it is how they all dress up in pink to put their full effort behind breast cancer but completely ignore a cancer that will affect 1 in 6 men...higher than the rate of breast cancer among women. I guess the NFL pissed away a bunch of money on pink shoes and doesn't care that about 18%% of their alums will piss and shit in a bag...go figure. Not saying professional sports shouldn't support breast cancer, but they should have equal if not more support behind prostate cancer.
6. Suck It Trebek (12) – Dominating performance this week , with amazing goaltending and some of the most well rounded offensive prowess we have seen so far this year. Tough to tell if this is something that will continue or if the stars were aligned this week. Since I am a pessimist, I think I saw Schauble 3 putt on the 14th hole yesterday.
7. Turd Ferguson (9) -
8. Malkin in the Middle (8) – I am still trying to figure out how this team won 4 offensive categories in their matchup when they had the fewest points of any team this week. Definitely not something that can be maintained the entire year.
9. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Look at that, you put your best player into the starting roster, you win…weird.
10. $0.20 Kane (7) – Bizarro week, lost in PIMS and had solid goaltending for a change. I don’t expect that to last long.
11. Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – Nothing went right for this team this week, losing Ovechkin and Ward for extended periods of time. If manager Matt Welsh ever figures out that IR works exactly like it did last year, the team might improve in the interim.
12. People Know Me (14) – Surprisingly, this team held it’s own this week in a tough matchup. As a result, I will give it some credit, at least one week. I expect nothing more from this team though.
13. Swedish Old Balls (11) – Nothing has happened with this team that has proved me wrong, except it has gotten worse this week after losing Roberto Luongo.
14. Montreal Wanderers (13) – Ryan O’Reilly is their best offensive player, and the top two fantasy draft picks had a combined, COMBINED, 2 points. This team is in a hole, and is going to have to find a way to dig itself out. Manager Court Watson got so drunk on Friday night he started talking to random strangers about potential trades at a Seattle bar. Yup, your 2009-10 Montreal Wanderers, ladies and gentlemen.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Rusty, Much?
No power rankings this week, too busy with the real world and I don’t get paid enough to do this (Umm, lets see, zero over zero, carry the zero….). Anyway, first podcast of the year is up in iTunes, or you can download it here. It is bad…I mean, real bad.
Enjoy.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween from the NHL
Spotted: One NHL commissioner in Glendale, AZ, dressed up pretending to own the Phoenix Coyotes and green in the face from envy of the NBA.
Oops, that wasn’t Halloween, that is everyday. Suck it, GB.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 3
Today is the day the NBA season starts, and the NHL falls to number 8 (NFL, MLB, NBA, PBA, PBR, NASCAR, WSOP, NHL)among professional sports viewership in the United States. Lets take a look at the rankings for this week.
1. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 5) – This team continues to dominate despite a very slow start from both Eric Staal and Ryan Getzlaf. Perhaps this is because NHL’s leading scorer, Anze Kopitar, was stolen in the late rounds by GM Matt Meier. Matt made a great comparison when asked on his rationale for picking Anze, “he is the Larry Fitzgerald of the NHL, how can you not take him?” Probably one of the most accurate comparisons I have ever heard. Ever. With Huet heating up in net, all this team needs to do is find a second goaltender and we have a favorite to win it all.
2. In Over My Head (3)– This team owns the best overall record in the league, propelled by the phenomenal play of Patrick Marleau and Ilya Kovalchuk. GM Cole Ballard’s secret to success? “Two words, no ‘Caps.” However, the devasting loss of Kovalchuk for 4 weeks may hurt this team badly (sidenote: line mate Nik Antropov did not practice on Monday as well) . It doesn’t help that goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov seems to be feast or famine, looking like the goalie he should be in Coyotes’ wins but looking like Red McIntyre in Coyotes’ losses (Oddly enough, Ilya did spend time with Red as a teenager…true story). This team could theoretically start 3 Atlanta Thrashers on any given week, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.
3. Kanucks (7)– How convinced is GM Dave Kitchen that Pavel Datsyuk is going to have an amazing year? So much so he is trying to trade him for your best player plus your hottest player. One wonders why Dave doesn’t just keep him if he is that good. By the way, how many of you out there realize that it is tough to trade a player who is slumping and injured for a player who is careering it so far this season, on a dynamite line with loads of talent and had a pretty good campaign last year? If you said that you did, then you are smarter than a piece of cow dung David Kitchen.
4. Dave’Killer’Carlson (7) – This team continues to plod along, despite an overflowing injured reserve. One can’t help but wonder how long players like Matt Moulson can continue their torrid pace. If the offense can keep together, it looks like the goaltenders are returning to form and that means this team is poised for the long run.
5. Texans (10) – Impressive win this past week despite the weak goaltenders and having Andrei Markov out. There is actually quite a bit of talent on this team, it will be interesting to see if GM Chris Thomas manages it properly (he won’t). Despite losing to the Texans this week, $0.20 Kane’s GM Red McIntyre was still positive, retorting, “my stairs - 1, his pants - 0.”
6. Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous – 1) – With the exception of Ovi, this is probably the most boring team in the league. How do you get excited about any team that starts three D-men? On another note, did anyone know that Del Zotto is Italian for fag tattoo? Well it is.
7. $0.20 Kane (2) – While I originally thought this team was stacked, I think we may be seeing some players who aren’t performing because they are in bad situations and some players who just aren’t performing. Furthermore, we are seeing some questionable moves by GM Red McIntyre. Specifically, benching his hottest player, David Perron, this week even though he isn’t playing any less games than his replacements. It could be that subtle moves like this moved this team into a battle for last in the previous year. We will see what happens this year.
8. Malkin in the Middle (8)– Almost clean swept this week if it wasn’t for the minimum 2 starts rule to wipe out Grand Rapid T-Hawks goalie stats. This team is struggling to get anything going, but gets extremely lucky and takes advantage of poor rules or officiating. Sounds like another team from Pittsburgh I know. Hint: their QB is a rapist.
9. TBD (2) -
Enough said.
10. Amish Rake Fighters (11) – Despite benching the team’s best player in Ryan Smyth, somehow this team is still right in the thick of things. I liken GM Peter Burns to a fantasy version of Jim Zorn; a whole lotta hoopla, but not alot of substance. Mainly just hot air. Perhaps a mental midget of sorts.
11. Swedish Old Balls (13) – The star player on this team’s offense is Henrik Sedin. Drink it in. This team is actually a lot like the Vancouver Canucks; Luongo isn’t going to get much help from the offense.
12. Suck It Trebek (9) – Of the new GMs in this year’s, Ryan Schauble is struggling this most. Having snipers Marion Gaborik and Corey Perry just isn’t enough to carry a team starting two New York Islanders. The Monster is back for Toronto, but I don’t think that will be enough for this team to mount any sort of charge. Ryan was disappointed at the Power Rankings in week 1, but I think I may have been too generous. This team sucks.
13. Montreal Wanderers (12) – How the mighty have fallen. Continued success year after year in this league may come to an end this year, as injuries and flu decimate this team week in and week out. With both Thomas Vanek and Alexander Semin back this week, this team might get the big win they need badly to prevent failing behind by a significant deficit, but the future of this team will be contingent on role players stepping up, and Henrik Zetterberg and Marian Hossa both returning to form.
14. All For Paymon (14)– 8 of 10 starting offensive players are playing above their O-ranks. It is only a matter of time before the player’s return to their statistical means. For this team to maintain it’s performance, it will have to be through the waiver wire, as GM Jesse Cook is black balled by a 350 pound NFL lineman named JaHenry by the rest of the league. Said one GM who asked to NOT be anonymous, Red McIntyre, “I wouldn’t trade them Kyle Beach, a prime example of how shitty Chicago is at drafting, even if Jesse paid me beyond the 8 pack of Lucky lager he owes me for the Canucks shit-kicking the Blackhawks. You suck Cook!” Enough said. P.S. with the goalies this team has, there is a very realistic chance this team might not meet the minimum 2 starts and forfeit all goalie categories in the coming weeks. Look for an “interesting” trade offer from Jesse to laugh at and reject soon as he tries to remedy his goalie situation. And by “interesting”, I mean shitty.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 2
If there is one thing the NHL does better than the NBA, it is that they don’t have rapists, drug dealers, crips, bloods, and juicers scheduling; no games on Sunday, competing with the NFL. Smart move. Because of this, the week was over on Saturday.
1. Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous: 3) – Solid offense and solid goaltending notched this team a victory this week. Other teams keep stepping up there game to play this team, and this team doesn’t back down. The scary thing is that both Mike Richards and Chris Pronger rode the pine all week long. It will be interesting to see if Simeon Varlamov can handle the rigors of the lone starter with Jose Theodore down and out from back spasms. If he can, this team should keep on chugging. Steve McIntyre An unidentified source hinted that GM Matt Welsh would use the proceeds to remove his gay bull's-eye tattoo should he win this league. I now know who I am rooting for.
2. $0.20 Kane (5) – A dominating performance from a very, very good roster. There is a little cause for concern when your leading goal scorer is Sean Avery, but luckily for GM Steve McIntyre, this is not an indication of a lack of talent on this team. As All For Paymon GM Jesse Cook stated, it was a “dead fluke (he) was able to even compete with this team, and this was the clear frontrunner.” Indeed.
3. In Over My Head (4) – A win this week to take top spot in the Campbell Conference almost solely due to outstanding goaltending. There are reasons for concern though, as both goalies are playing well above historical statistical averages and the offense could only muster 12 points. Perhaps the offensive struggles have something to do with the messy divorce of injured D-man Sheldon Souray and Baywatch hotty who cares what her name is Angelica Bridges. Nobody outside the locker room knows for sure, but GM Cole Ballard has to do something to get a stir from this offense.
4. TBD (2) – Riding the strong play of Mike Knuble, this team continues to looks good despite the fact that sniper Phil Kessel sits on the IR. Craig Anderson continues his solid play and if sausage pasta can get his game under control this team should be a contender the whole year.
5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – Not the finest performance this week as this team struggles in net and the offense was sluggish. Look for this to team possibly make some trade offers in an attempt to strengthen up in net now that Cristobal Huet is all but assured a starting spot…in the AHL.
6. Kanucks (7) – Walked away with a win this week despite having an injury to Pavel Datsyuk. The scary part about this win was that no one player really overachieved, each player is playing right around their historical career averages for the season. Lucky for this team, the loss of Datsyuk will not be too sorely missed as a hot Andy McDonald is ready to step up. Oh wait, GM Dave Kitchen dropped him. Ouch.
7. Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – Good offense and great goaltending helped this team to a tie this week. Could we be seeing a repeat of last year? For the love of fucking god, I hope not.
8. Malkin in the Middle (10) – Solid performance this week as the team moved above .500. One wonders what this team could be if GM Dave Dugan could figure out how to use IR; he would be able to pick up two more players. Dave, please figure this out, it isn’t rocket science.
9. Suck It Trebek (8) – A good performance this week, but not a great performance. Having Milan Michalek on the bench the game he buried two shorties sure did hurt. Goaltending needs to improve, but not by much. This team might be jumping up the standings (and power rankings in the weeks to come).
10. Texans (12) – Held its own against a very good team. The only thing missing from this team is goaltending, and it is missing in the worst way. Looks like GM Chris Thomas is gonna have to put down the chicken-fried steak and make some trade offers to shore up the net.
11. Amish Rake Fighters (13) – Sometimes timing is everything, and this week, everything went wrong for this team. Uncharacteristically bad goaltending and horrible plus/minus puts this team in the cellar, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if this team mounts a comeback. The key will be GM Peter Burns management style.
12. Montreal Wanderers (11) – The team has struggled and wound up with close losses the last couple of weeks, but it looks like things might be turning as Tim Connolly and Henrik Zetterberg picked things up a bit this week. An injury to Thomas Vanek will hurt the team this week as it struggles to find its identity and desperately needs a winning week.
13. Swedish Old Balls (9) – Bad offense, bad goaltending, and indecisive management. This team has it all. 1st decent move only took after 2 weeks and 8 moves into the season; that trend will get this team far.
All For Paymon (14) – GM Jesse Cook changes the team name so many times that the reason can only be that he is sexually confused and has deep, repressed feelings for male model Paymon Torabian. I liken this team to its most recent pickup; not very talented and making the most of others’ injuries. GM Jesse Cook was also credited as being the single reason for blowing a 5-1 third period lead for Two In The Box of the Coast Hockey League, with two own goals, colliding with his own defenders to give the other team 2 breakaways, and then getting a game misconduct for tomahawking the opposing goalie on the head during a stoppage in play. What a winner.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Power Rankings: Week 1
If anyone thinks this week gave any indication who has a strong team and who has a weak team, they are wrong, unless it is regarding which team sucks, it which case they are right. Some game changing injuries to start off the season; sucked in to all those who lost players. For newbies, keep in mind that there are IR spots that can be utilized to save a hurt player and free up a roster spot. If you were in this league in previous years, you know this. If you are Matt Welsh, you are an idiot.
1. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 4) – As predicted last week, this team has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, riding the stealthy late pick of Anze Kopitar, the offense covered what could be gently described as weak goaltending. It will be interesting to see if the offense has the staying power to keep this up throughout the year.
2. TBD (3) – I said I liked this team, and it didn’t disappoint, strong showing in the past week making up for the lack of participation from the general manager, whose has been a mute with the exception of calling Montreal Wanderers’ GM Court Watson a “dick.”
3. Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – An example that diversification works, this team started hot right out of the gates. Dropping Franzen for no reason will keep the rest of the league scratching their heads like they got crabs from a Kardashian. Hopefully, the dumbness of that move won’t come back to bite him, like a crab from a Kardashian.
4. In Over My Head (11) – Tough to get to excited about this team yet; they beat team auto-draft, so it isn’t necessarily a good indication of what this team has. In other news, GM Cole Ballard recently completed the 60 mile walk over 3 days for breast cancer awareness, well done. You can still donate to cancer research and support him here. The good news is that you know he will finish and your money will be well spent, because he has already done it. The funds will go along way in finding a cure for breast cancer and keep puck bunnies looking good. Next year, Cole is planning on doing 100 miles in 2 days. TBD GM Scott Freeland did 100 miles this morning before work.
5. $0.20 Kane (2) – A slow start, but GM Red McIntyre isn’t too worried about the offense coming around. Goalies are suspect though, and one can’t help but wonder if Stevie Franchise is about to enter a sophomore slump. Red expressed potential interest in Turco when he couldn’t figure out how to read league transactions, going off the record to say that Ray Emery sucked more dick than Red himself does.
6. Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – This just in, GM Mike Gaunt logged in for the first time yesterday.
7. Kanucks (7) – All that pilates GM Dave Kitchen had Paul Kariya doing paid off right out of the gates. Discretion must be taken when valuing this team however, they beat a team whose GM saw ice for the first time a month ago.
8. Suck it Trebek (9) – A healthy Gaborik makes this team deadly. How long the goaltenders will last will be crucial to this team’s success.
9. Swedish Old Balls (13) – The veterans played pretty well last week, but they are still old and now a Sedin is out for a week. The goalies are off to a rough start, but they should come around right about the time the rest of the team dies retires slows down.
10. Malkin in the Middle (5) – Lost the first of many battles of Gannon State Alums. For 100 fun points, can anybody find that school on a map without help? Hint: They give scholarships to golfers who can’t break 90. That isn’t actually a hint, I just wanted to point that out.
11. Montreal Wanderers (8) – Slow start could be concerning, then again, he may have just played a hot team. Either way, this team needs to pick it up this week to stop the free fall into the cellar.
12. Texans (12) – Painful loss of Andrei Markov really, really hurts this team, along with shoddy goaltending from the Tomas Vokoun that needs to change quickly. I would tell other GMs to expect trade feelers headed their way from GM Chris Thomas, but I am not sure he knows how to propose a trade.
13. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Doesn’t look like a Cinderella story here folks. Decent netminding and slow offense produced lackluster results. The only thing that may save this team is the general sports fantasy prowess of GM Peter Burns.
14. Bite Me (14) – Question: which team is the first to drop its first round draft pick? Why, the worst team in the league of course! Not only that, but the first rounder was dropped for a player who won’t see the starting line up until the third or second last week of the the fantasy hockey league schedule. The best part is that GM Jesse Cook made his moves so poorly that he gave up two healthy players for one IR player and one healthy player…retarded, to say the least. The very fact that he hasn’t filled the empty roster spot he now has by moving Johan Franzen to IR is further evidence Cook realizes how stupid he is and is hoping nobody claims O’Sullivan on waivers (or he is trying to get Bertuzzi as a handcuff for Franzen) so he can re-add him to his roster. Smooth Cook, smooth.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Preseason Power Rankings
The draft has come and gone and only one manager didn’t make it. That strategy may pay off for him, since he used the same strategy last year and won it all. That being said, lets take a look at the preseason rankings. These rankings are solely based on the opinion of…me.
1) Dave’Killer’Carlson – It worked last year, and until knocked off this year, this team remains atop the power rankings. Strong at center, as Sidney Crosby dropped to #4 in the draft, but may be slightly lacking in the Defense and Wing positions. Somehow managed to pickup two very strong netminders. Maybe this autodraft strategy is ninja-like; nobody even noticed GM Mike Gaunt auto-grab Henrik Lundqvist and Marty Brodeur
2) $0.20 Kane – Very solid draft for GM Red McIntyre, who could once again lead every offensive category and still come near the bottom because of poor management. Real weakness may come in the form of Ray Emery, coming off a stint in the KHL that can best be described as suck.
3) TBD – As much as we laugh at the drafting of Nikolai Zherdev, who may never set foot on the ice in an NHL game this season, there is quite a bit of talent on this team. Look for manager Scott Freeland to make some moves to shore up his wingers. One thing is for sure, this team has the funniest picture of Jesse in his ugly years, which is now best jersey…ever.
4) Grand Rapid T-Hawks – Has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, with the Achilles heel potentially being what is in net. Both goalies are projected to be backups by week 4, because both are on shitty teams that suck, especially the French asshole.
5) Malkin in the Middle – Wisdom, youth, snipers, specialty players…I like this team, with the exception of the Native American on the team who keeps yelling at GM David Dugan, “Your not the boss of me now!”
6) Andre Poodle Lussier – Moved away from the Detroit Red Wings only strategy last year, now has a pretty solid team. Ovechkin will be the backbone of this team, Varlamov will break the back of this team. Go fuck yourself, Fatty.
7) Kanucks – If anything, GM and aerobic instructor David Kitchen should be able to keep Paul Kariya in excellent condition and healthy for a record 2 games.
8) The Montreal Wanderers – Will sit in the middle of the power rankings until the youth and band-aids decide what they want to do. 4 players who are either rookies or 2nd year players, and 3 players who often miss more games with injury than they play. If everything clicks, which it most likely won’t, this team could be a force to reckon with…doubtful.
9) Suck it Trebek – 2 questionable goalies and an unproven rookies are the 3 legs of this stool; originally it was a chair, but the 4th leg was Gaborik and it collapsed in the breeze.
10) Amish Rake Fighters – The push to get goalies early may have been a good move; then again, Mikka Kiprusoff could continue the slow painful death that is his career, with statistics getting worse every year. Offense on this team is made up of a sandlot of players that probably won’t do much.
11) In Over My Head – Too many Thrashers, and an Islander defensemen. When their average goalie on an average team or a good goalie on a brutal team need replacing, they have Jon Quick. Next.
12) Texans – Give GM Chris Thomas credit, it was his first draft, and he went with what he knew, which was local talent. Don’t think it will pay off, but props for supporting the new hometown team.
13) Cut From Coed Soccer – His fetish for old people is getting downright creepy. Drafted Teemu Selanne and spent half the draft looking for Forsberg. They were good in 1999, get over them.
14) Havlat OWNS Huet – Wow. Draft SNAFU. GM Jesse Cook claims that Jimmy Howard was drafted 9TH OVERALL on accident, in an attempt to draft Nabakov. $0.20 Kane GM Red McIntyre responded most eloquently, “Accident? How was it an accident? Cook meant to draft Howard. Cook's so dumb he probably thought Howard would be starting for the Wings this year and labelled Howard as a sleeper pick. Clearly, the only one sleeping here was Cook. Nice one Anzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze.” Yes, nice one.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Upcoming NHL Season, Virtually
Two much anticipated releases this year in the virtual world, NHL 2K10 and NHL 10. I personally go with NHL 10, because of the GM mode which as close to real life as there is, having to manage the salary cap and all. I wonder if things would be different in the windy city is Dale Tallon had a copy of this prior to the offseason? Clips for both below.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Stage Is Set
At about 12:30 pm PST, managers Mike Gaunt, Cole Ballard and Court Watson completed the lottery to determine draft picks? Why did it take three? Because nobody trusts anyone else, that’s why. I think somewhere in there is the first light bulb/fantasy manager joke. Below is the order of the upcoming draft, with reverse order in even numbered rounds.
#1. $0.20 Kane (Steve) – Which of the big 3 does he take? My bet is on Crosby, because Steve is a jew.
#2. Andre ‘Poodle’ Lussier (Matt) – This might not even be a big 3 pick, this one might go with Zetterberg or Datsyuk, since he would blow either given the chance.
#3. Kanucks (Dave K) – most likely pick the last of the big 3, my bet is Malkin
#4. Dave ‘Killer’ Carlson (Mike) – We could see the first goalie go here. Standard wisdom says Luongo, but Gaunt wisdom says Nabakov.
#5. Texans (Chris) – Your guess is as good as mine on what this pick will be. Maybe Hunter Pence or Roy Oswalt.
#6. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Matt) – Should be interesting this draft, as both APL and this team are managed by Red Wings fans.
#7. Suck It Trebek (Ryan) – Already completed one draft for a keeper league so has a leg up on the rest of us, look for some sleeper pick that one of his fantasy guidebooks tipped him on, like Leino.
#8. RoBERTo LuFONGo (Bert) – Bertmetrics should be in full force here, and the end result will be Gaborik.
#9. Oversized Gerbils (Jesse) – Gonna be a shame to waste such a high draft pick on a fuck face who punched a cabbie over 20 cents Blackhawk (see said homo below).
#10. TBD (Scott) – I think we all know this isn’t going to end well.
#11. Malkin in the Middle (Dave D.) – Both Malkin and Crosby will be gone, who’s next on the Penguins for this Pittsburgh native? The guy who looks like he eats babies, Jordan Staal?
#12. Amish Rake Fighters (Peter) – Three words for you, Yahoo! Auto Draft.
#13. Montreal Wanderers (Court) – Gonna have to find someone who has breakout potential that isn’t overrated to compete in this spot. Good luck.
#14. The Moose Knubles (Cole) – I think it is safe to say that whoever this team takes in this pick, they will gladly deal them straight up for Semyon Varlamov, so grab Varlamov while you can.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Its A New Dawn, Its A New Day
Its a new year in fantasy hockey, and we have alot of new faces in the league. Lets get things started by introducing the managers.
Court Watson - Claim to fame is owning shants and playing house league soccer. Previous 4 years of fantasy hockey includes 3 championships and one runner up.
Jesse Cook - Claims to have once been a male model, is believed that that job title was a cover for being the catcher in gay amateur porn. Best known for his obsession and likeness to Anze Kopitar
Steve McIntyre - Player most resembling humpty dumpty. Never seen a happy meal he could say no too. Mismanaged a talented team to last in the previous year.
Peter Burns - New to hockey, attempting to broaden his horizons as he lives in a one trick town, and that trick is the NBA, which isn’t very good. Thinks the two line pass rule has something to do with talking to girls with fake boobs for only so long before they put out.
Chris Thomas - New to Vancouver, attempting to assimilate as quickly as possible, though may never get rid of the accent when saying “Patrick Kay-un.” Also has the ultimate comeback when Jesse makes comments during the season about other people’s sisters.
Matt Welsh - Recently married so expected to spend much more time on fantasy hockey. Arguably the most boring person I know at all times (Court is more boring sober, but less boring wasted).
Ryan Schauble - Quilchena Club Champion, 2008 (after everyone decent has left).
Cole Ballard - Diehard fantasy sports nut, die hard Caps fan. Draft shitty Caps late and trade him for his first rounders…he will probably bite.
Scott Freeland - Fantasy ninja. Best known for not understanding the simplest of rules, unintentionally doing everything possible to come dead last, threatening to do everything to destroy Court Watson at least three times a season, and then getting blackout drunk and sleeping it off in a closet for three days.
Bert Fong – Stupid Asian. Doesn’t defy the stereotype that Asians lack street sense, but does defy the stereotype that they are good at math.
Dave Kitchen - Soon to be Dave McIntyre. Some sort of aerobics instructor, big puffy socks and all. If he can’t take that joke, good luck with his new father-in-law.
Mike Gaunt - The silent defending champion. Put your crosshairs on this one boys.
David Dugan - Likes to say that he lives in Titletown; tough to argue with him. Is also openly gay, though only mentally, because he “blows your mind.” Also believes the only reason women say half of what they do is because they know they won’t be punched. I like him.
Matthew Meier – Another accounting geek, located in Spokane, Washington. Hesitant to sign up for the league because he believes he “will get rolled” by more knowledgeable players. When you are right, you are right.
Gonna be a great season.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Offseason Mail Bag
For a couple months, I have not know what to do with myself. I spent a lot of time drinking, a lot of time eating, and a lot of time trying to build the tallest structure out of playing cards, ever.
So it is late on a Friday night, the heat is stifling, and I am watching my puppy lose his innocence Last Tango in Paris like with a stuffed version of the Obama dog. It gives me a little bit of pleasure seeing Winston (Churchill, of course) dumbledorfing Obama’s dog…almost ironic.
Fantasy hockey wise, I really have nothing to say. NHL teams have made lots of moves, but lets save the analysis for people whose livelihood is to provide small penis bullshit insightful commentary on the fantasy impact of said moves.
Instead, I think this post will be my first official mailbag. Stealing yet another idea from the Sport’s Guy. Aaaaannnnnnd here we go.
Jonah, you are such a loser and have zero friends. Go fuck yourself – Jesse
You bring up a fantastic point. True, you love Paymon. False, you don’t have a full head of hair. True, you drive a girl car. False, you don’t have the best hands in Richmond. It takes a big man to admit all these things. I am guessing that isn’t your style and you were coerced; Steve must have threatened to tell everyone of that ugly girl that one time…oops.
Look at my numbers, they are the best in the league. I don’t know how I am not in first – Steve
Funny thing about numbers, they often lie to you when you are a fucking idiot. Yeah, you started out the first four weeks on top of the numbers game, but by the end of the season, you had dropped to middle of the pack. Do you realize how much you have to shit the bed to do that? It is similar to Jean Van De Velde on 18 at Carnoustie, Ron Burgundy on air right after Baxter died, Roberto Luongo in Game 7 (we all know which one)…it is tragic. So to answer your question, if there was one, it is: yes, I do see how you aren’t in first.
Jonah, can you get sick drinking piss? – Baio
Yup, even if it is your own.
Jonah, I am getting married to an actual woman this year. Does that cancel out my gay bullseye? – Fatty
No, it looks like a cover. Stop living in the 1952s and just come out already.
Jonah, I am concerned there is a direct correlation between penis size and fantasy hockey performance. Thoughts? – Bert
I have thought long and hard (I know you get it) about this. I don’t think so. I think you make bad decisions because you are Asian. Get an Asian involved with math that isn’t pure math and involves words, and they are fucked. I mean like Nagasaki towards the end of World War II fucked. Michael Jackson before his comeback tour fucked (too early?). You get my drift. Now excuse me while a pour a fresh drink.
Monday, April 13, 2009
In The End, There is Only One
Well, that’s it, the fantasy hockey season is officially over. Congratulations goes to Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop and GM Mike Gaunt, as they overtook the red hot Ottawa HC, who broke down with injuries and suspect goaltending in the end. A special shout out goes to Red McIntyre, for leading his team to a solid dead fucking last. One can only hope Red is heading back to the drawing boards for next season.
In the real world, the matchups are set, and the playoffs are starting shortly. See the schedule below (oddly, it coincides with my beer drinking schedule) and I leave you with greatest professional sports playoff advertisement of all time:
2009 EASTERN CONFERENCE QUARTER-FINALS
No. 1 Boston Bruins vs. No. 8 Montreal Canadiens
Thursday, April 16 7 p.m. Montreal at Boston CBC, RDS
Saturday, April 18 8 p.m. Montreal at Boston VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Monday, April 20 7 p.m. Boston at Montreal CBC, RDS
Wednesday, April 22 7 p.m. Boston at Montreal CBC, RDS
*Saturday, April 25 7 p.m. Montreal at Boston CBC, RDS
*Monday, April 27 TBD Boston at Montreal CBC, RDS
*Wednesday, April 29 TBD Montreal at Boston CBC, RDS
No. 2 Washington Capitals vs. No. 7 New York Rangers
Wednesday, April 15 7 p.m. NY Rangers at Washington TSN
Saturday, April 18 1 p.m. NY Rangers at Washington NBC, TSN
Monday, April 20 7 p.m. Washington at NY Rangers VERSUS, TSN
Wednesday, April 22 7 p.m. Washington at NY Rangers VERSUS, TSN
*Friday, April 24 7 p.m. NY Rangers at Washington VERSUS, TSN, RDS
*Sunday, April 26 2 p.m. Washington at NY Rangers NBC, TSN, RDS
*Tuesday, April 28 TBD NY Rangers at Washington VERSUS, TSN, RDS
No. 3 New Jersey Devils vs. No. 6 Carolina Hurricanes
Wednesday, April 15 7:30 p.m. Carolina at New Jersey TSN, RIS
Friday, April 17 7:30 p.m. Carolina at New Jersey TSN, RIS
Sunday, April 19 7:30 p.m. New Jersey at Carolina TSN, RIS
Tuesday, April 21 7:30 p.m. New Jersey at Carolina TSN, RIS
*Thursday, April 23 7:30 p.m. Carolina at New Jersey TSN, RIS
*Sunday, April 26 TBD New Jersey at Carolina TSN, VERSUS
*Tuesday, April 28 7:30 p.m. Carolina at New Jersey TSN
No. 4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. No. 5 Philadelphia Flyers
Wednesday, April 15 7 p.m. Philadelphia at Pittsburgh VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Friday, April 17 7 p.m. Philadelphia at Pittsburgh VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Sunday, April 19 3 p.m. Pittsburgh at Philadelphia NBC, CBC, RDS
Tuesday, April 21 7 p.m. Pittsburgh at Philadelphia VERSUS, CBC, RDS
*Thursday, April 23 7 p.m. Philadelphia at Pittsburgh VERSUS, CBC, RDS
*Saturday, April 25 3 p.m. Pittsburgh at Philadelphia NBC, CBC
*Monday, April 27 TBD Philadelphia at Pittsburgh VERSUS, CBC
2009 WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTER-FINALS
No. 1 San Jose Sharks vs. No. 8 Anaheim Ducks
Thursday, April 16 10:30 p.m. Anaheim at San Jose VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Sunday, April 19 10 p.m. Anaheim at San Jose VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Tuesday, April 21 10:30 p.m. San Jose at Anaheim VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Thursday, April 23 10:30 p.m. San Jose at Anaheim VERSUS, CBC, RDS
*Saturday, April 25 10 p.m. Anaheim at San Jose VERSUS, CBC, RDS
*Monday, April 27 TBD San Jose at Anaheim VERSUS, CBC, RDS
*Wednesday, April 29 TBD Anaheim at San Jose VERSUS, CBC, RDS
No. 2 Detroit Red Wings vs. No. 7 Columbus Blue Jackets
Thursday, April 16 7 p.m. Columbus at Detroit VERSUS, TSN
Saturday, April 18 6 p.m. Columbus at Detroit TSN
Tuesday, April 21 7 p.m. Detroit at Columbus TSN
Thursday, April 23 7 p.m. Detroit at Columbus TSN
*Saturday, April 25 7 p.m. Columbus at Detroit VERSUS, TSN
*Monday, April 27 TBD Detroit at Columbus TSN
*Wednesday, April 29 TBD Columbus at Detroit VERSUS, TSN
No. 3 Vancouver Canucks vs. No. 6 St. Louis Blues
Wed., April 15 10 p.m. St. Louis at Vancouver CBC, VERSUS, RDS
Friday, April 17 10 p.m. St. Louis at Vancouver CBC, VERSUS, RDS
Sunday, April 19 7 p.m. Vancouver at St. Louis CBC, VERSUS
Tuesday, April 21 8 p.m. Vancouver at St. Louis CBC, VERSUS
*Friday, April 24 10 p.m. St. Louis at Vancouver CBC, VERSUS, RDS
*Sunday, April 26 8 p.m. Vancouver at St. Louis CBC, VERSUS, RDS
*Tuesday, April 28 TBD St. Louis at Vancouver CBC, VERSUS, RDS
No. 4 Chicago Blackhawks vs. No. 5 Calgary Flames
Thursday, April 16 8:30 p.m. Calgary at Chicago TSN, VERSUS
Saturday, April 18 TBD Calgary at Chicago TSN
Monday, April 20 9:30 p.m. Chicago at Calgary TSN, VERSUS
Wednesday, April 22 TBD Chicago at Calgary TSN, VERSUS
*Saturday, April 25 10 p.m. Calgary at Chicago TSN, RIS
*Monday, April 27 TBD Chicago at Calgary TSN
*Wednesday, April 29 TBD Calgary at Chicago TSN
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
What are they doing in South Africa?
By no means is this story legit, but Guess who’s golfing team GM Jesse Cook pulls this gem out of the great blue sky. Apparently Ovechkin and Andrei Markov decided to take a stroll to Rivonia, South Africa and enjoy the local scenery at Teazers Rivonia, to the tune of roughly $4k USD. Tough to put these two pictures together (well, not that tough when you think about it) but you never know. At what point do you think the U S N Energy drinks where ordered? Chalk it up to another layer to the Ovi legend.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Holy Crap, A Monstrous Controversial Win
The first week of the playoffs just came and went, and just like that KA-Booooom, the 6th seed, Andre Poodle Lussier has upset HANK’S AUTOSHOP to advance to the second round of the playoffs.
The match ended in a tie, but a review of the the Yahoo! Fantasy Sports playoffs tiebreaker shows that the first tiebreaker is total goals, and the second tie breaker is total assists. Milan Michalek’s game winning goal in San Jose tonight is the most important goal of the season for APL, giving him a tie in total goals, total game winning goals, and APL advanced by having more assists.
So what does this do the playoff picture? Instead of Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop playing HANK’S AUTOSHOP and Ottawa HC playing Best Goalies Ever, we may see Ottawa HC playing Andre Poodle Lussier and Reggie ‘Reg’ going against the very hot Best Goalies Ever. That would all make logical sense, but alas, Ottawa HC will end up playing the higher seed in Best Goalies Ever. How does that work? I have no idea.
In other news, the consolation bracket moves to round 2 as well. The good news is, all the losers finally got through one week with a win, since they all had byes. Nice job.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Another GM Realizes the Pen Is Mightier Than the Sword
I am starting to like this whole GM’s submitting guest columns; it adds a new dimension. This last submission comes from Ottawa HC GM Court Watson, and appears to be addressed to nobody in particular.
Dear Mr. Cook,
I was quiet while you posted a note in the league message boards about how bad I am at fantasy hockey.
I was quiet when you left smack messages in our first matchup and you beat me soundly.
I was quiet when you sat on my couch and laughed at my fantasy hockey management style.
Now, I am the 1 seed in the playoffs and you didn’t even make them, and I am quiet no longer.
YOU FUCKING SUCK COOK!
Regards,
Court
Two words…price and less
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Holy Crap, This Is Exciting
No words, just the standings:
| Ottawa HC | 471 |
| HANK'S AUTOSHOP | 436 |
| Reggie 'Reg' Dunlop | 432 |
| Fucking embarrasing | 412 |
| RoBERTo LuFONGo | 405 |
| Guess who's golfing? | 405 |
| Andre Poodle Lussier | 404 |
| GM Anze Backup | 403 |
| Mystery Eskimos | 398 |
| Bizzarohawks | 374 |
Another Podcast, This One is Really Bad
Wait For It….
We are so close to the end for some…
| Ottawa HC | 470 |
| Reggie 'Reg' Dunlop | 435 |
| HANK'S AUTOSHOP | 433 |
| RoBERTo LuFONGo | 411 |
| Andre Poodle Lussier | 407 |
| Guess who's golfing? | 406 |
| Fucking embarrasing | 406 |
| GM Anze Backup | 403 |
| Mystery Eskimos | 395 |
| Bizzarohawks | 374 |
Yup, Guess who’s golfing gets the last spot based on wins…I think that is a tie breaker…so many teams need a big week tomorrow. Podcast on all of this coming very, very soon.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Little More….
If I could make a prediction now, and since it is my blog and I control what goes on it I can, I would say that the playoff picture below is almost perfect, save Guess who’s golfing? replacing either Fucking embarrasing (no, GM Cole Ballard does not know how to spell) or RoBERTo LuFONGo as the final playoff spot; their match is almost dead even and one team will eventually pull away. This with Guess who’s golfing? gaining a few more points will eliminate the loser of that matchup from the playoffs. With 3 days left, here is the playoff picture:
| Ottawa HC | 470 |
| Reggie 'Reg' Dunlop | 436 |
| HANK'S AUTOSHOP | 432 |
| Fucking embarrasing | 409 |
| Andre Poodle Lussier | 408 |
| RoBERTo LuFONGo | 408 |
| Guess who's golfing? | 406 |
| GM Anze Backup | 403 |
| Mystery Eskimos | 394 |
| Bizzarohawks | 374 |
Getting closer….
Just 4 more days left of play, and it just keeps getting closer. This is exciting. Disappointing play last night by Luongo kept GM Anze Backup from jumping over Guess who’s golfing? for the 6th and final playoff spot. Guess who’s golfing? finally got on the board last night and is hoping that may spark something, anything, for their team.
| Ottawa HC | 475 |
| Reggie 'Reg' Dunlop | 439 |
| HANK'S AUTOSHOP | 433 |
| RoBERTo LuFONGo | 419 |
| Andre Poodle Lussier | 407 |
| Guess who's golfing? | 401 |
| GM Anze Backup | 400 |
| Fucking embarrassing | 398 |
| Mystery Eskimos | 391 |
| Bizzarohawks | 377 |
Bizzarohawks still have no chance.
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