Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!

Remembering the Bizarrohawks

In what is hopefully a new tradition, today’s featured post is a eulogy of sorts for a team recently eliminated from the Anze Cup finals.  The eulogy is written by Dave Dugan, GM of Crosby’s Concussions and a close friend and confidant of Bizarrohawks GM Scott Freeland.  And now, I present Dave. 

Surprise!!!  Another year and another non-championship team in Cleveland.  Did anyone really think a team in Cleveland could win anything that is sports related? The Bizarrohawks looked like an early season favorite, but thanks to the managing skills of Scott “Ninja “Freeland they limped into the playoffs losing 4 of the last 5 weeks with a record of 23 – 42.

For those of you who do not know, my involvement in this league is because of Scott.  I remember years ago before my first draft, Scott making me sit on his lap (I was uncomfortable and he was hard) and giving me some sage advice “goaltending is the most important thing in this league”.  Too bad he didn’t take his own advice; his goalie stats were some of the worst in the league and last week he lost by 6 points, 4 of which were Goalie Stats.  Who would have though Jacob Markstrom would let the team down?

Much like their GM the Bizarrohawks are a blah team that is there 1 minute and just absolutely gone the next.  Literally, you turn around and they’re gone, and you’re left walking home from the bar only to see them reappear in a courtyard making out with a 50 year old.  It would be just like this team is drunk walking around Old Vegas and next thing you know they’re not there anymore, only to reappear at a craps table in an All-Asian casino surrounded by a gaggle of Bert Fongs cheering on “white boy #1” and his legendary heater.

This eulogy as the ultimate tribute to Ninja Freeland will just……..

Well said.

Welcome to the Anze Cup Finals

This is what everyone worked for, but only two teams have a chance of obtaining.

I can only imagine that for both, the emotions are similar to this:

There is no better sport for commercials about the playoffs. None.

Fuck, are NHL playoff commercials the best or what?

Don’t know if anyone was watching, but with 42 seconds left in the last game of the week, Super Sperm needed either a GWG that was also a PPG or the team’s +/- to increase by 2, or else they were out.  And sure enough, Mike Richards to Jeff Carter at even strengh in overtime provided that boost, and into the finals Super Sperm goes.  Lets take a look at the final matchup

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Super Sperm

Between these two teams you have the last three President’s Trophy winners and the top overall scoring team versus the top goal scoring team in the league this season.  In what looks to be a shoot out, this matchup will come down to three key facets:

1. Goaltending – Both teams have struggled to show consistent goaltending, though as of late the Everett Silvertips have consistently been one of the best teams in the league.  GM Ryan Schauble, in what can only be another demonstration of his GM prowess (or lack thereof), failed to make any significant moves to improve his goaltending before the trade deadline, and it almost cost him in the semifinals.  Their numbers last week were embarrassing.

2.  Power play points – Although Everett Silvertips outscored Super Sperm 353 to 328 in total points, the ‘Tips lack in points with the man advantage.  28.3% of the ‘Tips points came on with the man advantage, while Super Sperm saw 37.2%.  In a tight matchup, those two extra scoring categories could be the difference maker.

3.  Terrorists – Those two fucktards in Boston almost cost the Everett Silvertips this past week as a result of the Bruins’ games being postponed, but that could end up being a benefit this week, as the Bruins extend their season one extra day.  That could be one extra goalie start, and the ‘Tips have 34 offensive starts to Super Sperm’s 31 in the final week.

In the end, I am going to make a John Madden like prediction and say that the team that scores the most points usually wins.  Given the hot streak of Super Sperm as of late, I think they are going to take the Anze Cup for the first time.  Super Sperm over Everett Silvertips, 8-5-3.

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Cook has changed jobs and become a Real Estate Agent.  This will probably mean an increased focus on fantasy hockey, now that he has the same amount of free time as a teacher, or Pete Shpak, which is to say that it is a lot.

2.  Speaking of which, with all that free time, why is Pete Shpak so bad at fantasy hockey?

3.  If Super Sperm wins, GM Ryan Schauble should probably award Adam Oates the MVP trophy.

4.  Pekka Rinne looked like sausage pasta this past week. 

5.  Brian Elliot, aka “The Wall” finally hit one of his own.  Thank god.  If Bert won, I would flip the table and exit the room.  Bert was 42 seconds from the Anze Cup finals, and if that had happened, it would have been all but a lock.

6.  Cole Ballard, in the true spirit of anyone who has just been eliminated from the playoffs, went golfing this week in Phoenix.  Lucky.

7.  It will be interesting to see if the shitty teams stay silent during the offseason trade period; in speaking with a lot of the GMs, they have this notion they can rebuild using the draft.  This must be based on the fact that in theory that 1) the best 84 players are already held by the teams in the league and 2) their past track record indicates great drafting.  Yeah, that is why they suck.

8.  I do know there will be some absolute gems in the draft next season, but I think the teams at the bottom won’t know who they are.

9.  Remember when GM Steve McIntyre said he had a really good team at the start of the year.  About that….

10.  I need nominees for the Andy Kordyban, Jack Adams and Eugene Adams awards this year.  Please leave any potential nominees in the comments below.  Again, I stress nominees, not winners.  One year, I posted nominees for the Jack Adams, and Steve McIntyre flipped shit over one of the nominees like they were the winner.  I guess that makes sense, when your entire life you only walk accidentally ass backwards into any victory in your life, and don’t understand what winning actually is.

11.  The Masters.  If only it was every week.

12.  The four teams in the semifinals all had weak goaltending, which may indicate that goaltending doesn’t matter, but when you look closer, 3 of the 4 had winning records in almost all goaltending categories throughout the season.  Goaltending matters.  Significantly.

13.  Of course, that means GM Steve McIntyre recently pondered aloud if he would be keeping any of his goalies.

14.  To which, GM Court Watson pondered aloud if there is any player on Steve’s team who is worth keeping at all.

15.  I just found out the NBA playoffs have already started.  What a bad sport.  So boring.

16.  Rumor has it a jersey was delivered to Matt Duchene this past week.  That jersey was a Gabriel Landeskog jersey, and was at the request of Court Watson.  One can only guess what it might come back saying.

17.  Court hopes that it comes back this week, for some good ju-ju.

18.  I wish I still received drunken voicemails about the league.  Like this one:

19.  I debated making a coffee table book of the best of this blog, but then I realized it could never top Cosmo Kramer’s book.

20.  In all seriousness, it is amazing that Sean Stock has been able to repair the damage done by Ryan Schauble and take Super Sperm to the finals.