New Season Starts Now

Happy playoffs everyone!  What an exciting week, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game, the Masters, and our playoffs.  I couldn’t be more excited.  Man, there were some shitty teams this year, but they are no longer involved, and good riddance.  The bulk of those teams will probably be golfing this time next year as well.  Here are my usually highly accurate to the point they are almost Nostradamus like predictions for the quarterfinals.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Not Poodle!!!

After missing the playoffs last year, Not Poodle takes on the back to back President’s Trophy winner.  A big week got Not Poodle into the playoffs,  but keeping a concussed Patrice Bergeron in the starting lineup puts this team at a disadvantage.  The Everett Silvertips first in points but with suspect goaltending and battling injuries to key players.  The curse of the President’s Trophy may rear its ugly head this week, and an eight seed will move on.

Prediction:  Not Poodle squeaks out a win, 8-6-2.

2. Captain Chinese vs. 7. Anzoolander

Two words:  The Wall.  This matchup was over before it started.  I would be absolutely shocked if Brian Elliot lets in a single goal, and expect him to lead Captain Chinese in wins, shutouts, game winning goals, power play goals, etc.

Prediction:  Brian Elliot is nominated for the role of God, Captain Chinese wins 10-4-2.

3.  Flowers in the Cage vs. 6.  Bizzarohawks

Bizzarohawks started the season off on fire, but has cooled down substantially.  But, they are playing the team of misfit goalies;  For some reason, GM Cole Ballard dropped arguably his best goalie with a season record of 14-1.   Arguably the dumbest move of the year, I hope David Legwand is the missing link you hope he is (he isn’t).

Prediction:  Craig Anderson is still rusty, and Bizzarohawks move on to next week when Kovalchuk returns to action, winning 9-5-2.

4.  Kanucks vs. 5.  Super Sperm

I am already laughing at the shit-kicking this is going to be.   Fuck is this going to be funny.  Hottest team in the league looks like they aren’t slowing down, and the Kanucks suck.

Prediction:  Super Sperm wins 14-0-2.

Two thoughts:

1.  GM Steve McIntyre says he likes where his team is going into next year.  First person I have met who openly admits to liking being horrible and finishing last every year.

2.  To the rest of you, you embarrass me.  Yuck.

Power Rankings: Week 22

We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner.  You suck.  Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video).  Actually, maybe your team is worse.

1. Kanucks (2)

2. Super Sperm (3)

3. Bizzarohawks (1)

4. Captain Chinese (8)

5. Anzoolander (7)

6. Everett Silvertips (4)

7. Not Poodle!!! (10)

8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

9. Texans (9)

10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

14. Me So Vyborny (14)

Some thoughts:

1.  Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week.  The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins.  I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.

2.  Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.

3.  Like redhead muff stank.

4.  Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season.  Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?

5.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:

6.  Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:

7.  Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.

8.  This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy.  GM Court Watson is not happy about this.  Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.

9.  Except the Everett Silvertips last year.  Court is feeling a bit better now.

10.  Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.

11.  Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson

12.  The lowest seed to ever win?  The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.

13.  True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey.  In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove.  That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old.  Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001.  The person on that ID?  Phineas Page.  Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with?  Phineas Page.  Coincidence?  Yes.  Fantasy Hockey implications?  Absolutely.

14.  If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun.  WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league?  Watch baseball?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

15.  If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.

16.  After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.

17.  Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP.  Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.

18.  Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.

19.  For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.

20.  Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.

21.  Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page.  Halak and Elliot are both terrible.  Madness.

22.  With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup.  I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right.  We are in for a perfect storm.

23.  Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup.  Unfucking berievabre.

24.  A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years.  I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects.  I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome.  Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.

25.  There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.

26.  Like last year, it probably won’t.  The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.

27.  Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists.  He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters.  The team is imploding at the wrong time.  Craig Anderson really needs to come back.

28.  I still believe Cole, I still believe.

29.  The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.

30.   Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.

Power Rankings: Week 19

Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.

1. Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Kanucks (3)

3. Super Sperm (9)  

4. Everett Silvertips (4)

5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)

6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

7. Anzoolander (5)

8. Captain Chinese (7)

9. Texans (8)

10. Not Poodle!!! (10)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)

14. Me So Vyborny (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Super sperm is peaking too early.  And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.

2.  After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class.  And drunk.  Life is grand.

3.  After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team.  It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.

4.  Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”

5.  I chuckled when I heard that.

6.  Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm.  So far, I have heard nothing from him.  I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.

7.  Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you.  No I don’t, go fuck yourself.  Steve says you suck as a commissioner.

8.  His words, not mine.

9.  Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis.  This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term.   Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed.  Jake Allen just got a shutout.  Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.

10.  Still chuckling.

11.  GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me.  I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.

12.  The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.

13.  This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year.  Then again, it might be.  I am rooting for this team.

14.  Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon.  I could not be more bullish on this team.  The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.

15.  See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:

16.  Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored.  Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term.  Take note.

17.  In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.

18.  It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.

19.  No wonder one team has four championships.

20.  Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?

21.  Good times.

22.  The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes.  This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.

23.  Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named.  They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips.  Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of  the depth and shrewdness of the GM.  All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.

24.  That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.

25.  The meal in first class was exceptional tonight.  Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.

26.  For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league.  In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:

27.  If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?

28.  I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  All different genres.  They are ruining it.  Ruiners.

29.  I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey.  Why?  Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot?  Is that really your best option?  Are people that bad at this?

30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.