The parity of last week is gone. It is getting pretty clear who the contenders are and who has no fucking chance.
1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) – Another solid week by this team, despite brutal working conditions and minimal pay. I don’t see this team falling as long as Bert’s currency is pegged to the USD.
2. Not Poodle!!! (2) - Here is probably the best way to describe this team’s offense this week:
Ottawa HC had no shot after the first night, and Not Poodle!!! never looked back.
3. Texans (5) - Another week of prolific offense that is starting to fire on all cylinders. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook best described Texans’ manager Chris Thomas strategy: “He is such a lucky son of a bitch.” Agreed.
4. Super Sperm (7) – Keeper Phil Kessel and crew had a solid week despite keeper Phil Kessel. Solid goaltending and continued offense should have this team in good position come playoffs. Hopefully GM Ryan Schauble doesn’t fuck it up, some of his logic is stupid.
5. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) - GM Steve McIntyre has done a great job getting solid goaltending but didn’t have the offense to keep up with Super Sperm. Trades may be difficult for this team, as the GM is getting the reputation of asking absurd amounts for his players.
6. Sultan HC (6) – Didn’t have the firepower to keep up with the Texans this week, but some decent goaltending (and an off week for the Wall) helped this team to hold its own. One wonders if this team has what it takes to win a playoff week should the 17 Capitals on his team be off.
7. Malkin in the Middle (4) – The goaltending is a bit of concern, as Dwayne Roloson’s 1) not on the greatest team, 2) is not the future of that team and 3) is not very good. At least his numbers aren’t as bad as Roberto Luongo’s.
8. Me So Vyborny (8) – Tim Thomas continues to carry this team. The lack of offense is a bit of a concern, as is the nagging injury to Martin Brodeur.
9. Pistol’s Hellcats (10) – I don’t think this team would have beat any of the team’s ranked above it here, but I am too lazy to actually run the numbers, so I am just gonna say it is true.
10. This Space for Rent $5 (9) – Paid way to much for Luongo. Second trade rape of the year.
11. Anzoolander (12) – Not really sure how Steve Mason is still employed, but Mathieu Garon is making enough of an impact help this team out. The offense still isn’t quite where it needs to be, but it has been making improvements and isn’t out of the playoff race yet.
12. Bizzarohawks (11) – Bizzarohawks GM abandoned his team to get certified in Crossfit this weekend. Please feel free to add the next sentence yourself. I imagine that they will range from “That is awesome” from Kitchen to “Hahahahahahahahaha” from Cook.
13. Kanucks (13) and 16. Ottawa HC (15) - Why explain their misery when this video analogizes it perfectly (with Ottawa HC being in the white and Kanucks in the red):
Quote of the week comes from Dave Kitchen:
“Wow, Jessie actually paid $5 to change his team name”
Yeah, that could have got him 1 whole minute of Crossfit. What a waste.
Rejected trade of the week
Any of the trades that included keeper Phil Kessel.
Ah Court... I see you are still bitter about trade rape. FYI, I would have murdered you this week, and I would have beat the team that beat you.
ReplyDeleteMy favourite part of this weeks write up is 16 seconds in to the first video when that Asian bird departs the bathroom after doing a massive line of coke and doesn't even notice the chick sinking balls, like balls down Courts thoat when the Sailors are in port.
Short Todd,
ReplyDeleteOf course you would have murdered me. My team sucks. I imagine that is why they are ranked 16th.
Doubt you would have beat Not Poodle!!! Joe McGrath is pretty wise in his power rankings.