Power Rankings: Week 19

Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.

1. Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Kanucks (3)

3. Super Sperm (9)  

4. Everett Silvertips (4)

5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)

6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

7. Anzoolander (5)

8. Captain Chinese (7)

9. Texans (8)

10. Not Poodle!!! (10)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)

14. Me So Vyborny (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Super sperm is peaking too early.  And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.

2.  After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class.  And drunk.  Life is grand.

3.  After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team.  It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.

4.  Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”

5.  I chuckled when I heard that.

6.  Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm.  So far, I have heard nothing from him.  I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.

7.  Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you.  No I don’t, go fuck yourself.  Steve says you suck as a commissioner.

8.  His words, not mine.

9.  Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis.  This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term.   Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed.  Jake Allen just got a shutout.  Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.

10.  Still chuckling.

11.  GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me.  I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.

12.  The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.

13.  This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year.  Then again, it might be.  I am rooting for this team.

14.  Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon.  I could not be more bullish on this team.  The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.

15.  See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:

16.  Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored.  Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term.  Take note.

17.  In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.

18.  It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.

19.  No wonder one team has four championships.

20.  Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?

21.  Good times.

22.  The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes.  This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.

23.  Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named.  They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips.  Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of  the depth and shrewdness of the GM.  All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.

24.  That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.

25.  The meal in first class was exceptional tonight.  Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.

26.  For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league.  In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:

27.  If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?

28.  I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  All different genres.  They are ruining it.  Ruiners.

29.  I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey.  Why?  Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot?  Is that really your best option?  Are people that bad at this?

30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.

Power Rankings: Week 16

I have never watched or attended an awards show that I wasn’t either a lock to win or a heavy favorite to win one of the biggest awards.  The last time that happened I was seven and the awards show was held at PJ’s All Star café.  That our society as a whole wastes so much time watching Hollywood celebrities, who are the modern day version of the monkeys on the street with the cymbals in hand, is just depressing. 

1.  Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Flower’s In the Cage (4)

3. Kanucks (7)

4. Everett Silvertips (6)

5. Anzoolander (5)

6.  Crosby’s Concussions (3)

7. Captain Chinese (12)

8.  Texans (8)

9.  Super Sperm (9)

10. Not Poodle!!! (2)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (10)

13.  Me So Vyborny (14)

14. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Loves Paymon might be the worst fantasy hockey team I have ever seen.

2.  They are building quite a stable of defensemen, making sure some are filing active roster spots while on IR, because, you know, that is what great teams usually do.

3.  Since the draft of the 2009-10 season, when GM Steve McIntyre wished he could redraft (and then subsequently won that year’s Anze Cup), Jesse Loves Paymon has made a total of 21 moves and rapidly descended into shit.  Meanwhile, the Everett Silvertips have made 95 and appear to be a dynasty in the making.  This further shows that GM Steve McIntyre knows almost nothing about fantasy hockey beyond perfunctory actions and his Anze Cup title was a fluke.

4.  Jesse Loves Paymon is entertaining all offers.  I have a feeling, given how little this team has to offer, blow jibbers from the GM are on the table as well.  On Mondays, GM Steve McIntyre gives them for free.

5.  Today is Monday.

6.  Speaking of few moves and an awful team, go fuck yourself Fatty.

7.  It killed me to put Captain Chinese at 7.  That means 7 of you are currently worse than a team run by a moron.  Shape up.

8.  I just know this year Captain Chinese will somehow win, and I will spend the offseason figuring out what the hell else could go wrong with this world.

9.  After trying out one Nashville Predators former backup, GM Cole Ballard traded for another one in Anders Lindback.  Keep throwing your line into the pond, eventually you will catch something better than a old gumboot.

10.  Have you ever seen Cole Ballard do an imitation of WDarrell Hammond imitating Sean Connery?  It is delightful.

11.  As NHL teams start rounding into form, so do the better teams in this league.  I imagine the playoff picture should be pretty set within the next couple of weeks.

12.  GM Court Watson is going to miss the Anze Cup.  That is, if he isn’t able to take it home for a second straight year.

13.  The Anze Cup has been well used this year.  So much in fact that it is rumored if you just fill it with water and let it sit over night, you will get drunk of that water the next day.

14.  Putting the Anze Cup is the dishwasher is a offense worthy of execution, for future reference.

15.  I am kinda excited to see GM Scott Freeland lead the Bizzarohawks to an Anze Cup; he puts in a good effort despite being all alone in hell Cleveland, with some critical spreadsheets rationalizing his moves, and I like to see that type of effort rewarded. 

16.  Plus, Scott has jam.

17.  Cory Conacher and Vladimir Tarasenko have slowed rapidly and are on two fantasy teams that suck with GMs that think they know what they are doing.  They don’t, and this is the perfect example why.

18.  Dr. Hook:  please read this and do something.  Anything.

19.  Sometimes it is fun to go back and look at old message boards and blog posts.  This week,  noticed that in 2010, Jesse Cook offered Dave Kitchen a 16th round in three years for Craig Anderson.  Man, how far Mr. Anderson has come.

20.  Then I look at the trades between Jesse and Bert Fong last year, and realize some of us have gotten dumber.

21.  The guy beside me on the plane just ordered a double vodka coke as his complimentary beverage.  Vodka is made from potatoes.  Potatoes are vegetables.  Vegetables are good for you.  You’re welcome.

22.  No seriously, it is 6:30 AM.  Hats off to this guy.

23.  Travel points are never worth the travel required to earn them.

24.  Unless they are convertible to lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino.

25.  Someone actually picked up the Khabibulin Wall.  I thought this league was better.

26.  I always weep a little inside when the real Wall, Brian Elliot, isn’t playing up to snuff.

27.  If you are asking how he got the nickname, he had 3 shutouts in one week for the Texans when playing Anzoolander a few years back.  Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook lost his shit and dropped his entire team for Blackhawks plugs, and proclaimed Brian Elliot as the greatest goaltender that ever lived.

28.  The Islanders are probably the best team in the East.  Brad Boyes is this year’s P.A. Parenteau; marginally above average, racking up points beside Jon Tavares, the best player in the league presently.

29.  Imagine if your oldest keeper was 22 and the best player in the league?  You would be sitting pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

30.  Finally, let the Jonathan Drouin sweepstakes begin!

Power Rankings: Week 14

Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog;  In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole).  This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law.  After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).

1.  Bizzarohawks (4)

2.  Not Poodle!!! (10)

3.  Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)

4.  Flower’s In the Cage (3)

5.  Anzoolander (14)

6.  Everett Silvertips (2)

7.  Kanucks (T-5)

8.  Texans (9)

9.  Super Sperm (1)

10.  Dr. Hook (13)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)

12.  Captain Chinese (12)

13.  Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)

14.  Me So Vyborny (11)

1.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea.  There is a reason why this team is bad.

2.  The team with the most points is in last.  Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.

3.  Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior.  GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.

4.  Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other.   Oddly, neither of them have noticed.  Somehow, neither of them are last.  God have mercy on us all.

5.  Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.

6.  Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs.  Expect some selling, and soon.

7.  15% of all statistics are made up.

8.  If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it.  This is first class.  Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.

9.  Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference.  Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.

10.  Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan.  Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.

11.  Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.

12.  Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena.  I love karma.

13.  The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week.  There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now.  Right this second.

14.  Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful.  Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris.  Vaginal hubris.

15.  You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong.  Instead, they looked brutal.  I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19. 

16.  Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo.  Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie.  Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.

17.  The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means.  Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.

18.  Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).

Forging elite fitness.

19.  Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?

20.  What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on?  He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup.  Fuck that Leland Irving clown.  Go Giants.

21.  Best pickup of the waivers so far this year?  Mikkel Boedker by the Texans.  Well done sir.

22.  God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies.  The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.

23.  Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid?  I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short.  We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.

24.  When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.

25.  GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout.  Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:

But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.

26.  The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.

27.  Islanders.  Playoffs.  Guaranteed.