Power Rankings: Week 12

Canada lost tonight because they suck.  Similar to Jesse Loves Paymon.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) – I am keeping this team here just to jinx them.  Is there anyone who thinks they actually belong here?  I thought so.  The team went to shit when GM Jesse Cook let his emotions get the best of him and dealt Eberle for Kane.  Boom.  Roasted.

2.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Just keeps churning along.  I don’t know what will stop them.  I wonder if GM Matt Meier knows his team is doing so well?

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (3) – I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I put this team any higher, because I strive to be as deadly accurate as I can on this list.  Also, know what team only has two games the first week of Puck You’s playoffs?  Yup, the Vancouver Canucks.  Pistol’s Hellcats, please exit stage left, and you are paying for the pole stains.

4.  Everett Silvertips (6) – This team might have alligator blood.  Statistically, not a very good team, but keeps either winning or keeping matches close.  The Carter trade hasn’t worked out, and GM Court Watson has considered taking the Black for his betrayal of his Grace, Joffrey (1% of you will get that).

5. Captain Chinese (4) – Other teams should be scared of this team, but only if they are in the top 6 in the power rankings.  Why?  Captain Chinese is 4-1 against the other 5 in the top 6.  If only this wasn’t a shitty team that loses to bottom feeders regularly, it might have an actual chance.

6. Kanucks (5) – Silvertips GM Court Watson tried to give Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen a heads up on how to use IR.  Said Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble, “Your job is to police collusion, not stupidity.”  Good point, nice Kessel trade, idiot.

7.  Texans (8) – I can’t tell if Texans GM Chris Thomas gets the nod as the Taco of this league.

8.  Crosby’s Concussions (10) – When Crosby is out Bylsma still makes his team a winner…what the fuck is your excuse?

9. Not Poodle (9) – GM Matt Welsh is my favorite right now for the Taco of this league.

10. Bizzarohawks (7) – Has taken a battering as of late as this team goes through the top teams in the league.  Not sure what this team can do to turn it around, but it definitely needs an offensive spark.

11. Clarence Swamption (14) – Watch this team, I am a little nervous about how they are quietly coming back.

12. Flowers In The Cage (12) – Took advantage of an injured team last week, looks to be holding its own this week against another good team. Dare I say comeback? I dare not.

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – GM Steve McIntyre loves his iPhone so much he doesn’t call it a phone, just an iPhone.  He had the following conversation with his iPhone’s voice assistance app, Siri, this past weekend.

Steve:  “What does my fantasy hockey team look like this week?”

Siri: “I don’t know, I have gone blind from looking at it it is so ugly”

Steve: “What can I do to fix it?”

Siri: “How can you fix a fantasy hockey team that looks as bad as Team Canada at the World Juniors.  What the fuck are you, the modern day sphinx?  What kind of riddle was that?”

Steve: “Good day, Siri.”

Siri: “Has anyone told you how ugly you are today. Mr. McIntyre?  Well, let me be the first.”

14.  Super Sperm (13) – Now statistically the worst team in the league.  Proving the regular season run of last year was a total and complete fluke.  P.S. Nice six week losing streak.